By Nathan Chua
Have you ever noticed how often we promise ourselves, “When I finally find the right person, everything will be different”?
Movies tell us that love should come naturally. Social media tells us that happy couples simply fit together. Relationship advice often teaches us to find “the one.”
But if that’s true, why do so many loving couples end up feeling lonely, frustrated, or disconnected?
As a counsellor, I’ve sat with couples who genuinely love each other. They don’t want to hurt one another. Yet they keep repeating the same painful arguments.
The husband thinks, “She’s impossible to please.”
The wife thinks, “He doesn’t care about me anymore.”
Both are trying to explain the relationship by looking at the other person’s character.
But what if they’re asking the wrong question?
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from modern behavioural science is that behaviour always happens in a context.
A stressed husband is different from a relaxed husband.
A sleep-deprived mother is different from a well-rested mother.
A couple arguing after months of financial pressure is different from that same couple enjoying a quiet holiday together.
The context changes the behaviour.
That doesn’t excuse hurtful actions.
But it helps explain them.
And understanding is often the first step toward change.
This is the heart of my new book, Love, Contextually.
Rather than asking whether someone is a good partner or a bad partner, the book asks a different question:
“What is happening around this behaviour that makes it more likely?”
That simple shift changes everything.
Instead of endlessly blaming one another, couples begin solving problems together.
Instead of trying to win arguments, they begin understanding each other’s worlds.
Instead of chasing the fantasy of a perfect relationship, they learn how real love actually grows.
Love isn’t the absence of conflict.
Love is learning how to move toward each other even when conflict is present.
That’s why the book talks about acceptance and change.
Some things in every relationship should change.
Others never will.
Wisdom is knowing the difference.
If you’ve ever felt discouraged because your relationship isn’t turning out the way you imagined, I hope this book gives you hope.
Not because it promises easy answers.
But because it offers a different way of seeing.
Sometimes our relationships don’t change because we haven’t changed the lens through which we see them.
If you’d like to learn more, Love, Contextually is now available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.
For a personalized signed copy, order directly through One Life Only by calling +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE) or emailing info@onelifeonly.net.
If you think someone you care about would benefit from this perspective, please share this video or article with them.
I’m Nathaniel Chua, also known by my pen name Starfly Chua, counsellor, author, and speaker.
Helping people understand themselves, their relationships, and society—for better people, better relationships, and a better country.