Tag: Couples Therapy

Is Love About Finding the Right Person–or Creating the Right Context?

By Nathan Chua

Have you ever noticed how often we promise ourselves, “When I finally find the right person, everything will be different”?

Movies tell us that love should come naturally. Social media tells us that happy couples simply fit together. Relationship advice often teaches us to find “the one.”

But if that’s true, why do so many loving couples end up feeling lonely, frustrated, or disconnected?

As a counsellor, I’ve sat with couples who genuinely love each other. They don’t want to hurt one another. Yet they keep repeating the same painful arguments.

The husband thinks, “She’s impossible to please.”

The wife thinks, “He doesn’t care about me anymore.”

Both are trying to explain the relationship by looking at the other person’s character.

But what if they’re asking the wrong question?

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from modern behavioural science is that behaviour always happens in a context.

A stressed husband is different from a relaxed husband.

A sleep-deprived mother is different from a well-rested mother.

A couple arguing after months of financial pressure is different from that same couple enjoying a quiet holiday together.

The context changes the behaviour.

That doesn’t excuse hurtful actions.

But it helps explain them.

And understanding is often the first step toward change.

This is the heart of my new book, Love, Contextually.

Rather than asking whether someone is a good partner or a bad partner, the book asks a different question:

“What is happening around this behaviour that makes it more likely?”

That simple shift changes everything.

Instead of endlessly blaming one another, couples begin solving problems together.

Instead of trying to win arguments, they begin understanding each other’s worlds.

Instead of chasing the fantasy of a perfect relationship, they learn how real love actually grows.

Love isn’t the absence of conflict.

Love is learning how to move toward each other even when conflict is present.

That’s why the book talks about acceptance and change.

Some things in every relationship should change.

Others never will.

Wisdom is knowing the difference.

If you’ve ever felt discouraged because your relationship isn’t turning out the way you imagined, I hope this book gives you hope.

Not because it promises easy answers.

But because it offers a different way of seeing.

Sometimes our relationships don’t change because we haven’t changed the lens through which we see them.

If you’d like to learn more, Love, Contextually is now available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.

For a personalized signed copy, order directly through One Life Only by calling +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE) or emailing info@onelifeonly.net.

If you think someone you care about would benefit from this perspective, please share this video or article with them.

I’m Nathaniel Chua, also known by my pen name Starfly Chua, counsellor, author, and speaker.

Helping people understand themselves, their relationships, and society—for better people, better relationships, and a better country.

Listen on Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7pjLS32N96TXN272NiTE1Q?si=wvvyIJKgSgiwIvUE9LifFA

@onelifeonlycounseling

Is Love About Finding the Right Person–or Creating the Right Context? Is love really about finding the right person — or creating the right context? Sometimes it isn’t only about who we love. Timing, communication, expectations, emotional safety, and the world we create together can change everything. That’s one of the central ideas behind my book, Love, Contextually. So what do you think: right person, right context, or both? LoveContextually Relationships Love Psychology RelationshipTok Dating Communication

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Chronic Infidelity? What if Your Urges Were Your Friend?

by Nathan Chua

No, I’m not suggesting you follow your urges. I’m suggesting you stop treating them like an enemy that must be eliminated. Ironically, that battle is often what keeps people trapped. What if your urges could become a signal—an opportunity to choose the kind of partner you want to be instead of the person your impulses demand?

One of the most frustrating experiences in therapy is working with someone who sincerely wants to change, yet keeps repeating the same behaviour. Few examples are more painful than chronic infidelity.

Many people assume the problem is simple. If only the attraction disappeared. If only the temptation went away. If only they stopped thinking about other people, then they would finally become faithful.

Unfortunately, years of trying usually prove otherwise.

They have prayed. They have made promises. They have sworn that “this time will be different.” They have tried distracting themselves, suppressing their thoughts, avoiding attractive people, and shaming themselves after every lapse.

Yet the urges return.

Perhaps the problem is not that they have failed to eliminate their urges.

Perhaps the problem is that they have made urge elimination the goal.

The Elevator Analogy

Imagine someone with a severe fear of elevators.

Their entire life becomes organised around avoiding elevators. They climb twenty flights of stairs. They arrive exhausted for meetings. They choose hotels based on whether they have elevators. They even turn down jobs located in high-rise buildings.

For years they believe:

“Once my fear disappears, then I can use elevators.”

But exposure therapy turns this assumption upside down.

The goal is never to eliminate fear.

The goal is to help people ride the elevator while fear is present.

Ironically, when people stop making fear reduction their primary mission, fear often becomes much less powerful over time.

The fear may still visit.

But it no longer controls where they go.

The Same Principle Applies to Chronic Infidelity

Many people caught in repeated patterns of infidelity hold an invisible rule:

“I can only be a loving partner if I stop feeling attracted to other people.”

That sounds reasonable.

It is also nearly impossible.

Attraction is part of being human. Noticing another attractive person says very little about whether someone loves their partner.

The real question is not:

“Can I eliminate attraction?”

The better question is:

“Can I experience attraction without allowing it to determine my behaviour?”

Those are two completely different goals.

The Trap of Fighting the Urge

When people desperately try to eliminate an urge, something interesting happens.

The urge becomes the centre of attention.

Every attractive stranger becomes a test.

Every intrusive thought becomes evidence that something is wrong.

Every temptation feels like an emergency.

Life slowly becomes organised around managing urges.

Ironically, this often strengthens them.

The struggle itself becomes part of the problem.

Acceptance Is Not Permission

This is where many people misunderstand acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean approving of infidelity.

It does not mean giving yourself permission to cheat.

Acceptance simply means making room for uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without treating them as commands.

“I notice attraction.”

“I notice excitement.”

“I notice guilt.”

“I notice the urge to send a message.”

None of these experiences force a behaviour.

They are experiences—not instructions.

A Different Kind of Pause

When urges arise, people often experience tunnel vision.

Their attention narrows until only one thing seems to exist.

The attractive person.

The excitement.

The fantasy.

The possibility.

Therapy creates a pause.

Not a pause to force yourself to be faithful.

Not a pause to prove your self-control.

Simply a pause to notice the whole picture.

“I notice excitement.”

“I notice fear.”

“I notice guilt.”

“I notice that I care deeply about my partner.”

“I notice the kind of person I want to become.”

From that wider perspective, behaviour is no longer completely automatic.

There is no passing or failing this exercise.

The goal is simply to weaken the automatic link between urge and action.

That pause can happen before sending a message.

While chatting online.

Before agreeing to meet.

Even during a date.

At any point in the behavioural chain, awareness creates the possibility of choice.

Living According to Values, Not Urges

People often tell me,

“I’m trying not to have these urges.”

I understand why.

But perhaps there is a more helpful goal.

Instead of asking,

“How do I stop wanting this?”

Try asking,

“What kind of partner do I want to be, even while these urges are present?”

That question changes everything.

Instead of living in constant battle with your own mind, you begin living toward something that matters.

Faithfulness becomes more than the absence of temptation.

It becomes the repeated practice of choosing your values in the presence of temptation.

The Real Freedom

Freedom is not reaching the point where unwanted thoughts never appear.

Freedom is discovering that they no longer have the final say.

Just as courage is not the absence of fear but moving forward despite fear, faithfulness is not the absence of attraction but repeatedly choosing the relationship you want to build despite attraction.

The person with elevator phobia does not wait for fear to disappear before entering the elevator.

Likewise, someone struggling with chronic infidelity may not have to wait for temptation to disappear before becoming the partner they aspire to be.

Real change begins the moment we stop asking our minds for permission to live according to our values.

Recovery doesn’t begin when the urges disappear. Recovery begins the moment you stop running from them.

If you or your relationship is struggling with repeated infidelity, One Life Only Counseling Services offers evidence-based counseling online and in person. Contact us at +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE) or info@onelifeonly.net to schedule an appointment.

If you wish to book online, please click here.

For books written by Nathan Chua under the pen name Starfly Chua, click here.

@onelifeonlycounseling

Chronic Infidelity: What if Your Urges Were Your Friend? What if the problem isn’t your urges? Many people trapped in repeated infidelity spend years fighting their thoughts and desires—only to feel even more trapped. A different path begins by learning to notice your urges without letting them decide your next move. Infidelity Relationships Cheating ACT AcceptanceAndCommitmentTherapy ContextualBehavioralScience Psychology MentalHealth CouplesTherapy RelationshipAdvice#fyp #foryou #counselingphilippines #onelifeonlycounseling #counseling #PsychologyVlog #ThinkDeeper

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Coping With Anger

Anger is a feeling.

It is not the problem.

Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong.

The question is not whether anger should be there.

The question is what happens when we follow it.

Can we express our anger with dignity?

Can we use it in the service of what matters?

It is never about perfection.

It is about becoming more aware of the consequences of our responses and choosing the path that works best.

When We Treat Ourselves and Others Like Things

The problem is not that we describe people.
The problem begins when our descriptions become explanations.
Personality becomes a thing.
Intelligence becomes a thing.
Diagnosis becomes a thing.
Attachment becomes a thing.
Before we know it, we stop asking what happened and start assuming we know what someone is.
We begin treating ourselves and others as things to be fixed rather than people to be understood.

Ano Ba Ang Love?

faKung ang love ay hindi pagiging bulag sa reality,
at hindi rin simpleng feeling na nawawala sa unang disappointment,
ano nga ba ito?
Love is a context where two people can build a meaningful life together.
Hindi ito dahilan para manatili sa takot, pananakit, o abuse.
Pero hindi rin ito isang bagay na basta na lang iniiwan dahil naiinis tayo, nadidismaya, o nahihirapan sa ating differences.
Every meaningful relationship will have moments when the distance between two people feels hard to cross.
Hindi kawalan ng mga moments na iyon ang love.
Love is creating a life where crossing that distance remains worthwhile.
Isang buhay na binubuo ng tiwala, respeto, at shared purpose.
Hindi perpektong buhay.
Hindi madaling buhay.
Pero isang buhay na maipagmamalaki nating ibahagi.
At isang buhay na may kakayahang magdagdag ng kaunting kabutihan sa mundong ating ginagalawan.

Is Love Blind?

We readily acknowledge chemistry on a first date because little is at stake.

But when the stakes become higher, we often stop asking whether a relationship is workable and start asking how to make it work at any cost.

Love requires effort.

But effort alone cannot turn every context into one where a meaningful life can be built.

Why Avoiding Toxic People Doesn’t Always Work

Most advice says: “Just avoid toxic people.”

But what if you can’t?

What if that person is your boss, your spouse, your parent, or someone you can’t simply walk away from?

This is where most advice breaks down.

And this is where people start to feel stuck, confused, or even guilty.

If this is your situation, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

👉 Book a confidential session here.

We offer counseling sessions focused on helping you respond more effectively to complex relationship situations — without pressure, judgment, or one-size-fits-all advice.

The Problem with Oversimplified Advice

Advice like “avoid toxic people” works well on social media because it’s clear, direct, and emotionally satisfying. But it can also create guilt and confusion when people find that they can’t actually follow it.

You might start asking yourself:

“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just walk away?”
“Am I weak for staying?”

In many cases, the issue is not weakness — it’s context.

A More Workable Question

Instead of asking:

“Should I avoid this person?”

A more helpful question is:

“What is workable in this situation?”

This shifts the focus from rigid rules to practical, real-life solutions.

What You Can Do Instead

Depending on your situation, more workable options may include:

Setting clear but realistic boundaries
Limiting exposure rather than cutting off completely
Changing how you respond in difficult interactions
Building support systems outside the relationship
Gradually creating options if leaving is your long-term goal

Avoidance is sometimes the right choice — but it’s not the only choice.

A More Flexible Way to Think About Relationships

From a contextual behavioral perspective, the goal is not to follow rules perfectly, but to respond in ways that actually improve your life over time.

Some relationships require distance.
Some require boundaries.
Some require patience and strategy.

And some, eventually, may require letting go.

But the key is this:

The best choice is the one that is workable in your real-life context — not just what sounds good in theory.

Watch the Full Video

Watch the full discussion above to explore this idea in more detail and learn how to apply it to your own relationships.

If this is something you’re going through, you’re not alone.

👉👉 Book a session here to talk this through

From Participant to Contributor: A Guest Segment for a PESI ACT Training

I was recently invited by Jacob Martinez, a licensed professional counselor from Wisconsin, to contribute to an international ACT training series in collaboration with PESI.

For many years, I’ve been on the other side of these trainings—as a participant, learning from international clinicians and trying to make sense of how these ideas apply in real-world settings.

This invitation marks a meaningful shift for me: from learning within that space to contributing to it.

In this 45-minute segment, I discuss a core distinction in contextual behavioral science:

Functional coherence vs essential coherence.

In simple terms:

Essential coherence asks: “Is this true? What is this really?”
Functional coherence asks: “Does this work? What does this lead to?”

Most of us—including many clinicians—are trained to think in essential terms: labels, traits, diagnoses, and fixed explanations about “what a person is.”

ACT takes a different approach.

Instead of focusing on what thoughts or emotions are, it focuses on what they do—how they function in context, and whether they help a person move toward a meaningful and workable life.

This shift may seem subtle, but it has wide implications—not just for therapy, but for how we understand relationships, culture, and social issues.

I’m sharing this here in the hope of making these ideas more accessible, especially within the Filipino context, where moral and label-based thinking are often emphasized.

Because the real shift is not just learning new techniques.

It’s learning to see behavior differently.

▶️ Watch the full 45-minute training here:

https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/bZHvvPXmV1b

 

Bakit Mabigat ang Payo ng Nakatataas? Why Advice from Authority Figures Feels So Heavy

https://www.tiktok.com/@onelifeonlycounseling/video/7594425580230102293?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7526745861453219348