Tag: Couples Counseling

Is Love About Finding the Right Person–or Creating the Right Context?

By Nathan Chua

Have you ever noticed how often we promise ourselves, “When I finally find the right person, everything will be different”?

Movies tell us that love should come naturally. Social media tells us that happy couples simply fit together. Relationship advice often teaches us to find “the one.”

But if that’s true, why do so many loving couples end up feeling lonely, frustrated, or disconnected?

As a counsellor, I’ve sat with couples who genuinely love each other. They don’t want to hurt one another. Yet they keep repeating the same painful arguments.

The husband thinks, “She’s impossible to please.”

The wife thinks, “He doesn’t care about me anymore.”

Both are trying to explain the relationship by looking at the other person’s character.

But what if they’re asking the wrong question?

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from modern behavioural science is that behaviour always happens in a context.

A stressed husband is different from a relaxed husband.

A sleep-deprived mother is different from a well-rested mother.

A couple arguing after months of financial pressure is different from that same couple enjoying a quiet holiday together.

The context changes the behaviour.

That doesn’t excuse hurtful actions.

But it helps explain them.

And understanding is often the first step toward change.

This is the heart of my new book, Love, Contextually.

Rather than asking whether someone is a good partner or a bad partner, the book asks a different question:

“What is happening around this behaviour that makes it more likely?”

That simple shift changes everything.

Instead of endlessly blaming one another, couples begin solving problems together.

Instead of trying to win arguments, they begin understanding each other’s worlds.

Instead of chasing the fantasy of a perfect relationship, they learn how real love actually grows.

Love isn’t the absence of conflict.

Love is learning how to move toward each other even when conflict is present.

That’s why the book talks about acceptance and change.

Some things in every relationship should change.

Others never will.

Wisdom is knowing the difference.

If you’ve ever felt discouraged because your relationship isn’t turning out the way you imagined, I hope this book gives you hope.

Not because it promises easy answers.

But because it offers a different way of seeing.

Sometimes our relationships don’t change because we haven’t changed the lens through which we see them.

If you’d like to learn more, Love, Contextually is now available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.

For a personalized signed copy, order directly through One Life Only by calling +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE) or emailing info@onelifeonly.net.

If you think someone you care about would benefit from this perspective, please share this video or article with them.

I’m Nathaniel Chua, also known by my pen name Starfly Chua, counsellor, author, and speaker.

Helping people understand themselves, their relationships, and society—for better people, better relationships, and a better country.

Listen on Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7pjLS32N96TXN272NiTE1Q?si=wvvyIJKgSgiwIvUE9LifFA

@onelifeonlycounseling

Is Love About Finding the Right Person–or Creating the Right Context? Is love really about finding the right person — or creating the right context? Sometimes it isn’t only about who we love. Timing, communication, expectations, emotional safety, and the world we create together can change everything. That’s one of the central ideas behind my book, Love, Contextually. So what do you think: right person, right context, or both? LoveContextually Relationships Love Psychology RelationshipTok Dating Communication

♬ original sound – One Life Only Counseling – One Life Only Counseling

Beyond Good or Bad: Looking at Context

In counseling, I do my best to avoid labeling my clients’ behaviors as good or bad, right or wrong. Instead, I ask a different question: In this particular situation, is this behavior helping the person move toward the aspirations they have for their lives, or is it getting in the way?

Coping With Anger

Anger is a feeling.

It is not the problem.

Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong.

The question is not whether anger should be there.

The question is what happens when we follow it.

Can we express our anger with dignity?

Can we use it in the service of what matters?

It is never about perfection.

It is about becoming more aware of the consequences of our responses and choosing the path that works best.

When We Treat Ourselves and Others Like Things

The problem is not that we describe people.
The problem begins when our descriptions become explanations.
Personality becomes a thing.
Intelligence becomes a thing.
Diagnosis becomes a thing.
Attachment becomes a thing.
Before we know it, we stop asking what happened and start assuming we know what someone is.
We begin treating ourselves and others as things to be fixed rather than people to be understood.

Ano Ba Ang Love?

faKung ang love ay hindi pagiging bulag sa reality,
at hindi rin simpleng feeling na nawawala sa unang disappointment,
ano nga ba ito?
Love is a context where two people can build a meaningful life together.
Hindi ito dahilan para manatili sa takot, pananakit, o abuse.
Pero hindi rin ito isang bagay na basta na lang iniiwan dahil naiinis tayo, nadidismaya, o nahihirapan sa ating differences.
Every meaningful relationship will have moments when the distance between two people feels hard to cross.
Hindi kawalan ng mga moments na iyon ang love.
Love is creating a life where crossing that distance remains worthwhile.
Isang buhay na binubuo ng tiwala, respeto, at shared purpose.
Hindi perpektong buhay.
Hindi madaling buhay.
Pero isang buhay na maipagmamalaki nating ibahagi.
At isang buhay na may kakayahang magdagdag ng kaunting kabutihan sa mundong ating ginagalawan.

Is Love Blind?

We readily acknowledge chemistry on a first date because little is at stake.

But when the stakes become higher, we often stop asking whether a relationship is workable and start asking how to make it work at any cost.

Love requires effort.

But effort alone cannot turn every context into one where a meaningful life can be built.

When Doing Right Ends Up Feeling Wrong

There is a common assumption that change in therapy means stopping the wrong thing and starting the right thing.

But sometimes the very thing you’re trying to do to improve becomes a reminder of what you’ve struggled to stop doing.

The new habit reminds you of the old one.

The exercise reminds you of past failures.

The goal reminds you of how far you still have to go.

And when you inevitably stumble, it can feel less like learning and more like proof that change is impossible.

Why Avoiding Toxic People Doesn’t Always Work

Most advice says: “Just avoid toxic people.”

But what if you can’t?

What if that person is your boss, your spouse, your parent, or someone you can’t simply walk away from?

This is where most advice breaks down.

And this is where people start to feel stuck, confused, or even guilty.

If this is your situation, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

👉 Book a confidential session here.

We offer counseling sessions focused on helping you respond more effectively to complex relationship situations — without pressure, judgment, or one-size-fits-all advice.

The Problem with Oversimplified Advice

Advice like “avoid toxic people” works well on social media because it’s clear, direct, and emotionally satisfying. But it can also create guilt and confusion when people find that they can’t actually follow it.

You might start asking yourself:

“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just walk away?”
“Am I weak for staying?”

In many cases, the issue is not weakness — it’s context.

A More Workable Question

Instead of asking:

“Should I avoid this person?”

A more helpful question is:

“What is workable in this situation?”

This shifts the focus from rigid rules to practical, real-life solutions.

What You Can Do Instead

Depending on your situation, more workable options may include:

Setting clear but realistic boundaries
Limiting exposure rather than cutting off completely
Changing how you respond in difficult interactions
Building support systems outside the relationship
Gradually creating options if leaving is your long-term goal

Avoidance is sometimes the right choice — but it’s not the only choice.

A More Flexible Way to Think About Relationships

From a contextual behavioral perspective, the goal is not to follow rules perfectly, but to respond in ways that actually improve your life over time.

Some relationships require distance.
Some require boundaries.
Some require patience and strategy.

And some, eventually, may require letting go.

But the key is this:

The best choice is the one that is workable in your real-life context — not just what sounds good in theory.

Watch the Full Video

Watch the full discussion above to explore this idea in more detail and learn how to apply it to your own relationships.

If this is something you’re going through, you’re not alone.

👉👉 Book a session here to talk this through