by Nathan Chua
We often hear that the key to a good relationship is understanding your partner.
And of course, understanding can help.
But what if understanding itself becomes a rule that both must follow?
What if we start believing that every disagreement has to be explored, explained, processed, and fully understood before we can move on?
Imagine you’re having dinner with your partner.
The service is bad.
You want to complain. Your partner says, “Forget it. Let’s just enjoy dinner.”
Now you could spend the next twenty minutes trying to understand each other.
“Why does bad service bother you so much?”
“Why don’t you speak up when something is wrong?”
Maybe you discover that one of you is particularly sensitive to being treated unfairly. Maybe the other hates confrontation. Maybe you even understand exactly where those differences came from.
That’s useful.
But then what?
Because understanding doesn’t necessarily resolve the disagreement.
And maybe it doesn’t have to.
Perhaps the more useful question is:
What are we trying to do together right now?
We’re having dinner.
We’re on a date.
Maybe this isn’t a problem we need to solve.
One partner might say, “I know this bothers you more than it bothers me. Go ahead and speak to the manager.”
Or the other might say, “You know what? Bad service really gets to me. But tonight isn’t about fixing the restaurant. Let’s enjoy our dinner.”
Nobody has to win.
Nobody has to adopt the other person’s perspective.
And nobody has to be completely understood.
Understanding is not necessarily the goal. Understanding informs the choice.
It’s like watching a sunset together.
You say it’s orange. I say it’s red.
We could argue about it. We could investigate why we see it differently. We could even find out who’s technically correct.
But if we came there to watch the sunset together, at some point we have to stop trying to solve the sunset…
and experience it.
Maybe relationships are sometimes like that.
Not every difference needs resolution.
Not every disagreement needs deeper exploration.
And not every moment needs more communication.
Sometimes the better question isn’t:
“Do you understand me?”
It’s:
“What matters to us right now—and what would help us do that together?”
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@onelifeonlycounseling When Understanding Becomes a Rule to Follow: Can “You need to understand me” become a problem in a relationship? Not every disagreement needs to be resolved. Not every difference needs deeper exploration. Sometimes we already understand each other well enough. The better question may be: “What matters to us right now—and what would help us do that together?” Understanding is not necessarily the goal. Understanding informs the choice. Relationships Couples RelationshipAdvice Communication CouplesCounseling OneLifeOnly
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