by Nathan Chua
“There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky
I recently heard a podcast interview of Kelly Wilson, one of the developers of ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. He had a well-known quote that the interviewer eagerly mentioned at the beginning of the program, which went something like this, “Values and vulnerabilities are poured from the same vessel.”
One thing that really drew me to ACT is it’s probably the only type of therapy I know of that blends values into a practice which used to be for me, more about symptom-reduction. Much of my work before ACT was focused on this. Getting clients to get over their problems or to understand the roots of their symptoms for them to finally start moving forward. For example, my goals were more about helping an angry person be less angry, or a depressed person become more engaged and alive, or a shy person to be more assertive. It was more of that feel-good about one’s self type of approach.
ACT however, therapy does not have such goals of symptom-relief. In fact, one of the best ways to start ACT in my experience, is to have people get back in touch with their values, or qualities of being that were and are still within them, and they still aspire to demonstrate in their daily living, but have long neglected due to this overemphasis of having positive thoughts and feelings, not just most of the time but at times even all the time! We often assume that our values leave us. The reality however is that they often get relegated to the background and are far from our consciously pursuing them.
So what you may ask has vulnerability got to do with our values? It is in our values that we find the scariest parts of ourselves. As the old ACT expression goes, we care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. If one of our deepest aspirations for ourselves is being honest, it will be very scary to be honest. Loving someone means getting in touch with that part of us that’s most vulnerable or hurtable. Aiming for success means feeling those anxious moments as we pursue uncertain ends. As one of the developers of ACT once expressed, it is about learning how to feel good rather than feel good.
We can choose our suffering. We can suffer because of all the efforts we make to eradicate our difficult thoughts and emotions. Kelly Wilson has a name for this that really struck me and served as my inspiration for this piece. He calls it valueless suffering. Put in other words, we can ask ourselves, “Do we really want a life dedicated to feeling better or getting rid of depression or anxiety or what not?” Now how is that going to look on top of our tombstones? Here lies Nathan, he worked really hard to feel good about himself!
The other option is that we suffer for what we believe in and what truly matters to us when we leave nothing but our memories behind. This is when we suffer because we choose justice over injustice, love over fear, freedom over safety, etc., in other words, our values over shortcuts.
Let me leave you with this quote from Viktor Frankl:
“Dostoevski said once, “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in the camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom — which cannot be taken away — that makes life meaningful and purposeful.” Viktor Frankl
Living our values is going to be hard, and we are bound to fail at times. But one thing I can guarantee, it will be rewarding unlike any other thing we may have experienced, and I can guarantee it will be rewarding…up to that very last breath we take