by Nathan Chua
Most people come to therapy with goals that have to do with being in control of their emotions and also hoping to get some assurance from an old and wise person that they are doing the “right” thing. Some of these goals are like, “I want to feel more confident.” “I want to get rid of this depression so I can do things that I have been wanting to do but can’t.” “I want to know if I am making the right decisions with regard to my relationships.” Unfortunately, all of these are not within our control and the more we try to do so, the more ineffectual and undesirable we feel about ourselves.
You are not alone. I had long thought that psychotherapy and counseling were about achieving the goals mentioned above. After all, who wouldn’t want to make all the right decisions all the time? Who wants to feel anxious and have the people around them see their trembling hands? Who wouldn’t want to feel happy once they figured all of these out? I am the problem that should be fixed! Who wouldn’t want to be the smiling faces you see in the billboard ads?
Unfortunately, that is a difficult if not impossible task. No one alive can control emotions, thoughts, and outcomes. Only the dead can shut out feelings and thoughts and inevitably get the same results…nothing. Moreover, unless you suffer a major head injury, your mind is going to work up those thoughts and feelings multiple times every day. No matter how hard we try we can’t control our thoughts and emotions; and we most certainly cannot control the results of our efforts.
Here’s a paraphrase of Darin Cairns’ words, a therapist from Australia working with a client who has resorted to avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings by not engaging with others. He said this as he made his client realize the futility of his control agenda.
“I am not gonna promise you this [moving towards relationships] is not gonna hurt. In fact, I am gonna promise you it will hurt. I have no intention of making you happy. I’d like to help you have a meaningful life so that you can have all the feelings you want, because I don’t know about you but that sounds like an awesome outcome, compared to just being happy. If you want to be happy all the time, first of all you can’t do it, but if you do achieve something like it, we call it mania and we’d lock you up.”
Not everything that makes our lives purposeful and meaningful is about pursuing happiness and avoiding difficult feelings. Additionally, if we only did the things that we knew would have guaranteed results, think about how many of the things you would love to do, just does not present such outcomes.
I loved playing basketball when I was younger and I still love it now as a fan. Playing the game is not all fun. In fact, there will be anxious moments, times when you don’t like what your teammates are doing, and boring practices. It’s a microcosm of life. We play the game of life knowing we will come across anxious moments in the pursuit of what we want. We won’t be smiling all the time, but it sure beats watching funny movies all day just to feel happy. Like it or not, we enjoy doing hard stuff, not just happy stuff!
Many times our thoughts and feelings get in the way of us pursuing the things that we know will make our lives more meaningful. That job you’ve always wanted, that business you’ve dreamed of starting for so long, that date you always wanted to have with this person you met at your local fellowship group, and many more, are some examples of what can be scary but ultimately life-giving. Like a basketball player, you don’t know if you’d one day become a champion or just win the neighborhood pick up game. You don’t know if that date will say yes or no. You don’t know if you will get the job or that the business will succeed. But can you take all that uncertainty and anxiety with you in pursuit of something that’s truly important to you?
So the question is, will you take whatever these feelings are and still pursue what you want? Are these hopes and dreams worth the anxious moments, the sweaty palms, and racing heart rates? Are you willing to feel everything that comes with going for your best hopes for your life? Are you going to play the game regardless of the possibility that you would lose?
I learned this from Darin Cairns. It is not really about what the other people think about what you did or how well you did in the pursuit of something important, but how much you liked yourself as you did them. Did you like you in those moments as you pursued being you? You’d probably be surprised, because you’ll see from hindsight, that the times when you were most proud of yourself, weren’t really the happiest times at all. In fact, they were the most difficult and trying of times; and you probably liked the way you went through them. You liked you in those moments…and that was all that mattered, regardless of what you felt and what results you might have or have not gotten!