by Nathan Chua
Don’t judge yourself!
Well, how’s that done? Unfortunately, once we decide to not judge ourselves for judging ourselves, then what are we doing? We are judging ourselves for judging ourselves. It is not just that we judge, but we judge the judging. So we are judging “judging!”
Let’s do this well-loved exercise to discover how our minds work. If I tell you that you are a pretty okay person, notice what your mind does to that thought. If I tell you that you are the nicest, most wonderful person on the planet that ever lived, notice what your mind does with that thought. Finally, if I tell you, you are the worst and least kind person on the planet, notice what your mind does with that. If you notice, your mind will come up with different thoughts with every comment. It’s like it is arguing with itself and it will not stop!
In its earlier days, ACT was called comprehensive distancing. This means that in ACT, we are not so much interested in the content of our thoughts as the function of our thoughts. In order to do that, we need to separate ourselves from our thoughts. The first step is to notice our thoughts as just thoughts. They don’t have to be gotten rid of or believed or followed.
The key to more psychological freedom is to notice how the mind works. By freedom I don’t mean that we will eventually be free of our thoughts, but rather that we will become more capable of saying no to the dictates of our thoughts. Some of those dictates lead to compliance, while some lead to resistance and judging! In other words, noticing how our minds work helps us to become more capable of making effective choices for a better life.
Now let’s get back to the judging. The mind is an excellent judging machine. It has to because otherwise we would not be as successful a species as we would like. Why is this so? Judging has its uses. In order to survive longer, our minds have to judge the surroundings and look out for threats. Therefore, to know which ones are a threat and which ones are not, our minds would have to judge!
As Dr. Russ Harris illustrates, back when we were cave dwellers, we needed our minds to judge the presence of a threat to our survival. Our minds are there as survival tools that get us through inclement weather, save us from predatory animals, or whatever threats there may be. Unfortunately, that same function of the mind is not limited to external threats only. The human mind translates all signals of threat as one. Regardless of whether it is a physical external threat or an internal one, the signals evoke the same urges to respond in a certain way. The fear of an approaching bear is construed as the same fear when we have thoughts of a bear.
The subject of the work of an ACT therapist is to help the client notice that these mental processes are just that, mental. The noticing is followed by an open stance or a willingness to have such difficult experiences in the service of doing what is important to the client.
So there you are! If there was anything that you and I know about ACT as an approach to therapy, this skill of noticing thoughts as thoughts and judgments as judgments is key! Now how about judging the “judging?” Notice the judging and remember that this is just another function of the mind. There is nothing inherently wrong with judging “judging,” for that is what the mind does. What we can practice is to notice the judging as what it is, not what it says it is.
Our minds are like an overzealous friend who wants to be helpful. It is not our enemy. Think of it as your child just wanting you to be a comfortable and safe parent. Therein lies one of the keys to being mindful and living the mindful life. These parts of you are not your enemies but your friends or your children. Love them for what they are, not as what they say they are, and we’ll soon be on our way to a more loving and more compassionate existence.