by Nathan Chua
Of course we do, that’s all there is to expect in married life, right? For those of us who have gotten married, I bet there’s plenty of thought of “living happily ever after,” especially in those moments when it was actually about to happen. Pretty much up to the time leading up to the wedding, everything spelled h-a-p-p-y. Pick any random year into a marriage, and we are likely to find about half of that on the brink of separation, because either one or both of the parties are bone-tired of having to suffer through the other’s insufferable ways.
We often get caught up in these all or nothing moments in our minds, where we believe that within our unhappiness, we can never have happiness. One or the other has to go. But here’s a good example to prove that this may not be necessarily so. Look back at those moments when you and your future spouse were just minutes away from exchanging vows. If I may so boldly predict, I am quite sure you had moments when thoughts like, “Am I making the biggest mistake of my life here?” were right there coming from the back of your head in the middle of your own wedding ceremony! He’s so clumsy he keeps stepping on my train! She’s turned from angel to t-rex in months! Further still, pick up any major decision you’ve made in your lifetime and tell me you never had thoughts about whether your choice was right or disastrously wrong, and I would be the first to congratulate you for being that rare master of your own mind.
Part of what can help your marriage is if you understand how your mind works that makes being married such a disappointment. We often get carried away with thoughts that we can’t have both positive and negative emotions at the same time inside us. Well, think about your dog or pet. How many times has your mind told you getting that dog is a big mistake and yet you still love him to death? So with the dog it goes, “I love him and sometimes I think getting him was such a big mistake.” There you go, both positive and negative emotions all in one situation.
Getting married to be happy is how our use of language tricks us into going to an extreme. The reality is more like getting married is meant to find purpose and meaning in your union, and many times it won’t be, just happy. Playing to win a championship game isn’t just about being happy, it is hard! Raising kids is not bound to be happy all the time, in fact it is the most challenging task for even the most notable names in history who have done seemingly harder and more exceptional deeds outside of raising a child! Why? Because the fact that it is hard and not very easy makes it challenging and fulfilling at the same time. The same is true with marriage. Your partner can sometimes be lovable and be challenging to live with. Learning how to accept this is something couples often have difficulty finding room for, because the mind suggests we can only have room for one.
Sometimes the best things in life are hard and painful, which is precisely what makes a life more purposeful and meaningful. We humans love solving problems even when it’s not always fun to do, or not always the happy thing to do. Come out of yourself and notice how your mind works; I bet you’ll see great wisdom.