by Nathan Chua
In my recent interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, Ph.D. I got the opportunity to ask him a most-pressing question that many, many people ask me over the phone. If you are like many out there who have a loved one that you so desperately want to bring to counseling, you know how difficult that could be. Here’s what, in my words, Dr. Hayes wants to advise you:
Your loved one is not crazy:
One of the biggest hurdles to seeking help is the idea that one is being blamed for problems that come along with mental struggles. One of the risks of well meaning encouragement to seek help is the thought that everyone in your circle blames you for the problem. What you can say to your loved one is that they are not broken as we often hear it said in a lot of self-help articles. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that needs fixing. We both have evolved this human mind that works pretty much the same way as everyone else’s. You are no different from me or any of your loved ones. It is “normal” to struggle with our minds.
You also know deep inside you that you are struggling and that somehow you have not been living up to what you expect your life to be.
Someone on your side:
This is unlike other relationships that you have. This is not another setting where you are being told about what you should or should not do. Sometimes as you might have experienced, you get well meaning advice that tells you even what you should or should not feel.
In recent years, I had the privilege of learning from Dr. Russ Harris in his workshop for teen counseling. It was worth noting that if there was one thing that teens don’t like is another adult telling them what they should or should not do. Your adolescent child or relative has most probably got enough of these types of advice that it has made them feel disempowered and self-blaming.
This should be farthest from their mind when you ask a loved one to come for therapy, most especially because it is often an elder in the family that wants it to happen. On the contrary, you can emphasize that this will be done with someone who is paid to be your advocate, or someone who’s on your side willing to listen to things that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others.
The foolproof way:
As Dr. Hayes said in my interview with him, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, there is still one way you can improve the situation that doesn’t involve you having to convince your loved one to come for help. As you and I both know that the only thing you have full control over is what you do. We can’t control what others do and as ACT therapists would say, not even what our minds do, but we can certainly control what we do in any given circumstance.
It takes two to tango, to use another old saying. Start with yourself. Go get therapy and let your loved one know about it. Show them that you use what you are selling them so to speak and you have personal experience doing it. It only takes one small pebble to create ripples on the water. A change in you through your hard work in therapy can be your best card in finally convincing your loved one to give this a try. Why? Because any change in you will mean a change in your relationship with your loved one. Your behavior alone may convince them that this can work. In fact, it may be that your own therapy will be all the therapy you need to change you and your loved one!