by Nathan Chua
Having a long term relationship primarily involves two things. Can you guess what they are? The answer could be as simple as acceptance and change. Just like the lines in the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, a big part of the work I do in individual, couple, and family sessions can actually come to just these two options as people face challenges in their relationships with themselves and their significant others.
I often ask a few questions to my couples once they get to the feedback session, “If you’ve seen a few of those silver or golden anniversary celebrations, what do you notice is usually part of the ceremony? Do you see the couple face each other and say something about their relationship? What do you often see included in their speeches for one another?” After a few guesses and not hearing what I expect them to say, I would add that couples usually talk about the funnier parts of their history together. In fact, couples call each other by their pet names which, especially in Filipino culture, could be endearingly funny. So the answer to the question is humor.
Why is humor important? Because humor signifies a level of acceptance that couples have for each other, knowing that certain things are difficult for them or their partners to change. It also involves a greater awareness of their benign albeit hidden intentions. If one is messier than the other, the neater partner usually only sees a lazy and defensive partner. But once the messier partner feels accepted while the neater partner sees how much the former is trying their best to keep up with the neatness, the human compassionate side starts to kick in. Because like it or not, your partner will probably forget the way you want the stuff on the kitchen counter to be arranged. In other words, it’s not going to be perfect most of the time.
Acceptance:
Let’s first talk about acceptance and why it could be your road to change. Please note though that acceptance is never something that we can demand from each other nor from ourselves. Here’s a quote from Dr. Andrew Christensen et.al.:
“Change is the brother of acceptance, but it is the younger brother. When acceptance comes first, it paves the way for change,” Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson.
It is understandable for couples to come to therapy thinking that they’re there to follow certain rules about how to change their partners or how to change the way they communicate with one another. Anyway, isn’t this the reason why they came to see a trained counselor in the first place? Well, if you find your counselor providing simple solutions to many of your communication problems, then maybe that’s a sign you might have to go elsewhere. Why? Because those very same simple solutions are probably nothing new to what you are already doing. If psychology was done this way then there is no need for its study. All we would need is some good old common sense. For example, simple solutions like making plans for a partner to pick up their socks when they remove their shoes and put them in the hamper. Couples who agree to these types of interventions usually end up fighting about the rules learned in counseling. It can also breed resentment in the partner who is not sided with by the counselor. Moreover, these are new rules to again fight about. Well, one of you is not following the agreement which means another demand and another source of frustration.
It is through acceptance that what we see in our partners as defects turn into the differences they were between you from the very start. Humor is a big part of this process of accepting that your partner will not be your clone. It is also through acceptance that we humans feel moved to change. When others accept us in all our uniqueness, we find the space to feel compassion when we sense that our partner is accepting us even if we snore too loud at night, or cleaning up after us even when they had a long day at work. That compassion is what can trigger more lasting change. It is self-motivated and not coming from an outside expert who probably doesn’t know the full context of your relationship.
Change:
“If we want things to stay as they are, things will have to change.”
― Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa
The change we are looking for, is a change from within. If you go to a counselor and feel like he or she is taking either side of the equation, then that means your counselor is not doing anything that you and your partner haven’t already tried. Your counselor is just adding another voice to either side of the argument. You go home with a full set of rules that are hard to remember in flight and hard to maintain as old habits are difficult to eradicate. In other words, we slip into our old patterns just like all humans do.
Deliberate change can be done in order to avert cumulative annoyance. When I say deliberate it means that the change is coming from a more mindful partner who is capable of seeing the world behind your partner’s eyes. Knowing your partner’s sensitivities and unique history of past relationships with family, friends, ex-romantic partners and many more is your template to doing things more slowly in the face of challenging situations. In fact, if there is indeed a rule that universally applies to any relationship struggling or otherwise, it is simply to slow down and become more mindful or aware of your differences, sensitivities, context, and ways of communicating.
So slow it down and try to get a wider perspective in the heat of the moment. Remember what you wanted to be when you first said yes to the relationship. Can you say yes to the full package and continue to persevere towards your best aspirations you have for yourself in the context of a long term relationship? You can’t slice your partner in half because they come in one package. You only have to remember what you cared about deeply as you jumped into this relationship. Maybe that holds the key and having a good sense of humor about your differences can be one of those endearing things about your partner.