by Nathan Chua
There are a few crossroads we face in life. Who to commit to in a long term relationship or when is it time to quit one, what course to take in tertiary education, where to live, what school to send kids to. These are all part of what life presents to us. Many of us can get caught up in the rigmarole of decision making. Many clients come to therapy hoping to get an expert opinion on which path to take. It is quite the common sight that clients come to therapy with the idea that they can consult as many therapists as they can, and come up with a logical and sensible decision. That search for a failsafe choice can be a red herring. Many people, and that includes me, can get really stuck for a very long time in indecision.
Clients may find themselves weighing pros and cons with an expert in therapy. Unfortunately, this normally ends up with what is called counterpliance or the client making a decision that goes in the opposite direction of what solution was arrived at with the expert, basically demonstrating what our minds do. You can experiment on this by remembering how many times you have thought about how successful a decision can be. Pretty soon, you will notice your mind reminding you about the other extreme result, which is failure. This is why, although tempting to me, I do my best to avoid dwelling on content when a client comes to me with this kind of dilemma. If I wasn’t conscious, I can get carried away by the back and forth in therapy. I avoid this because it isn’t something that the client is not able to do on their own before they come. So any kind of move in this direction will probably be nothing new for the client.
Fundamentally, our lives can flow into these situations wherein we have to choose one way or another. In a wonderful demonstration of how an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) therapist would work with someone who is going through some difficult decisions, Dr. Steven Hayes shows how our minds can trick us into thinking that we can make a difficult decision and not be scared. The thought that hard choices should not be scary can creep into this process and paralyze us into not making them to our own detriment.
I often give my clients a perspective towards the past and the future with a question. I would ask them if they are familiar with scenes where people are gathered for one of those momentous occasions in life that are supposed to be filled with joy and anticipation. If these were indeed just full of positive feelings and happy thoughts, then why the heck do we see people crying in these instances? Isn’t that strange? Just to refresh your memory, have you been to a wedding, a graduation, a debut (an 18th birthday party)? More often than not, you and I will see people tearing up with smiles interspersing in their faces. Why is this? My client will often sit with mouth agape, not finding the right word to explain such a phenomenon. I would tell them that the body language is precisely a description of what is going on inside of them. It is a mix of feelings. It is not just purely happiness that is going on internally. There could be sadness, fear, anxiety, and many more. In other words, these are the bitter sweet moments in life. You know, the ones that are eventually etched in our memories as the most meaningful. For in life, the best moments are not the fun moments, although they can be, but they are mostly also those that are hardest.
I can still recall some of the happiest moments I had that I spent with a friend. Although there was nothing but fun and joy at the time, there was still something bitter about it. It had to end. Life is sometimes bitter sweet or has to be, bitter sweet. Otherwise, we could be missing it. Making hard decisions usually forms part of living richly and meaningfully. Being brave is not about having no fear. It is rather doing what matters to us even when there is.