by Nathan Chua
These words of wisdom can range from the general to the specific. How often have you and I heard some talk show hosts and even some clergy, tell us what to do in our relationships, only to find out that these seem to backfire or only give short term results but eventually fail us when we most need them in our most distressing moments.
Here are some examples that hopefully covers the general and the specific advice:
- Love your spouse.
- Do something to satisfy your partner’s love language everyday.
- Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
- Don’t be stingy with your apologies. Apologize as soon as you can whenever conflict ensues.
If these types of advice did work for the majority of us, then we would see a lot less marital discords and separations in our midst. Last I heard, the “divorce” rate in our country doesn’t veer away much from the averages in more economically-developed countries. Last I heard also, the divorce rates among therapists are even higher than the average in a developed country like the United States.
For example, let’s use the advice that one should immediately seek reconciliation with a partner to avoid drifting apart. One way to do that is to make an apology as soon as the conflict starts. This could end up with the couple not just fighting about what they fought about, but also fighting about how the apology was done! Double whammy! And then the couple goes off on a tangent with even more issues about the past or future worries about how the relationship will unfold.
Context Matters:
The types of advice we hear from talk shows and read about online are well-meant. I mean who could argue that you should make an apology or that you should address your partner’s love language. The reason this doesn’t qualify as the silver bullet for change in your relationship, is that we are all different based on our own histories, and also that not all situations are the same.
Going back to the earlier mentioned example, a highly conflict-avoidant partner may use quick apologies to appease situations. The offended party though has a history of ranting and in his or her view, being hit immediately by an apology doesn’t offer a chance to release some of that inner tension or start any kind of meaningful talk.
So for instance, they fight about one not being responsible enough to take out the garbage, Partner A is angry because this has become a constant irritant between them while Partner B uses his quick apology once again to keep the peace. A now becomes more annoyed because this was not the first time B has used his apology to avert a discussion. For A, this does not allow for them to have a constructive conversation or a moment when they are both open to arriving at a compromise. And there they go! A gets into a fit that B does this, and B retorts that A should be more receptive to his or her apologies. So the fight goes from a simple household chore, to their differences in the way they handle conflict. Sound familiar?
As you can see from this example, no advice however sensical they may sound, will be done in a vacuum. In other words, the solution becomes the problem so that the original problem remains while they fight about the solution that didn’t work because one did not live up to the expectation that the solution is supposed to provide!
So next time be mindful of the advice that you hear in popular media and psychology. Understand that your partner and you are unique and your situations, likewise. Try other ways to address these situations that have remained a concern for you for many months or years. Be aware of these situations as you see them coming. Look back and see how the situation unfolded, and understand why your relationship is vulnerable to such conflicts. In other words, be mindful of the context before you apply the advice.
Finally, remember that you love this person for so many reasons that make your life so much more meaningful. One of your vows you made rings a bit like the idea that you accept this person for who he or she is. As Christensen, Jacobson, and Doss have written, “Approach change in the context of acceptance [for] change is the brother of acceptance, but it is the younger brother.”
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