by Nathan Chua
It’s that time of year again when many of us set out to become better people. We all have this internal yearning to be the best versions of ourselves. I often use the term our existential angst, a concern that we have not been living up to what we hoped to be. What do we want to be? A kinder friend? A more responsible husband? A more fun-loving person? Much of the troubles we feel have much to do with thoughts surrounding the people we strive to be and what our current reality indicates.
But what if this striving can start instead from a very simple skill that we can learn? Maybe the question could be phrased as what is it that we could get better at, rather than what we could be. Nothing is more demoralizing than realizing that even with all the work we try to do in becoming a better person, we fail. Why is this so? For one, our minds are very good at naming things we can or can’t do when faced with different circumstances. It feels like there is an upper limit to what we can or cannot achieve. It could be someone or something that could potentially stand in the way of such goals that keeps us from doing better.
Here’s a very simple tip on what to be better at this coming year in order for you to take some steps towards your most coveted aspirations. It’s so simple you might think it’s silly. Be better at: noticing. That’s it! It’s your first step towards making the change you’ve always seemed unable to reach. It could be hard at first but you and I can get better at it, if we practice.
But you might ask, what is there to notice? What should I notice? Should I start noticing what shirt my workmate is wearing everyday? Of course not. Firstly, notice what you tend to do when something happens and then notice the results of what you do. If what you do doesn’t help your relationship with your spouse then start noticing those that do. If what you do doesn’t give you the hardworking, addiction-free child that you want, then start noticing those that do. Notice what works and doesn’t work for you and your relationships.
Then notice what goes on inside of you when these challenges come along. Notice it just for what they are. Then notice what your mind tells you they are. Are there any judgments against those very feelings that make you and I, very human? And notice also how long these feelings last. Are they there permanently? Or do they come and go as they please?
Then notice what, in those moments, are most important to you. Here is where maybe your list of becoming can come along handy. Whatever our role in life is right now, we want to see ourselves becoming the best we can be in those roles. You and I can be a spouse, partner, friend, sibling, parent, child, and so on. In every situation that presents some kind of challenge to your emotional stability, go back to what you think will be representative of how you would have wanted to handle the situation. Go back to noticing the probable consequences when you do what you do, then notice what it is that goes on inside your thoughts and feelings as you experience these challenges, and finally, notice what is important for you in the moment. Then choose your best or better course of action from there.
And why notice? If you have gone through numerous self-help books or articles lately, I think that’s what the fuss about mindfulness is. Yeah! Simply put, mindfulness is really mostly about noticing! So just start noticing more this new year. And may I go just a step further. Maybe that’s what you go to see a counselor for, to become more noticing or mindful. Try and see for yourself and notice what wonders more noticing can do for you and the people you love. Happy New Year everyone!