by Nathan Chua
What now? Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs. Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering. At times, there might even be physical altercations. No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.
Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on. In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship. This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner. There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair. I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.
For the offended party:
Tip 1: You will very likely have flashbacks. Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present. Suspicions show up regularly. On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed. Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt. In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms. The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication. They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication. Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories.
Tip 2: Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression. The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation. Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks. This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.
Tip 3: Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred. Think about what you want to stand for at this moment. Ask yourself, “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these? If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”
For the Offending Party:
Tip 1: Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say. Your partner is not doing this on purpose. It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner. Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion. Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.
Tip 2: Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments. Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying. It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.
Tip 3: The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring. Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal. However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.
Is it time to leave?
My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together. Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship. Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both. The betrayed partner is never to be blamed. At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.
Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal. For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted. Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other. The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.
In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here: When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.
Listen to the podcast version of this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!