by Nathan Chua
It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures. If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end. Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority. In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together. The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.
A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds. It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are. One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct. One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.
Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content. The arguments remain on the surface. These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did. You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be. You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves. You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner.
It is hard and I recognize that. Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship. You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert.
There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences. The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects. They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you. In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what? One hundred percent!
Metaphor:
One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work. One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend. Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend. Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury. Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury? Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?
If you are like most people I know, you would. Why? Because you love your friend that much.
One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them. Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for. It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past. Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it. Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love. Relish and be mindful of those moments. Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.