by Nathan Chua
One of the toughest decisions to make in a relationship is when you think enough is enough. I have seen quite a few clients agonizing over what to do with their partners. Is this issue enough of a reason to remove oneself from the situation? Am I doing what I think will be best for us or my family by ending it? Is it just me who is being impatient?
Before I go on though, there are situations where giving up on a relationship may be called for. For one, if you end up in a violent relationship where your life is in danger or your kids’ safety both physically and emotionally are at stake, leaving might be your best option. You might also be in a situation where there is repetitive cheating that is emotionally untenable and also endangers your physical well-being. When I say physical well-being, I am referring to chances of you becoming infected by a sexually transmissible disease. Perhaps there is substance abuse involved that makes it impossible to have a meaningful connection with your partner. Ending a relationship may even be more tenable if your partner is unwilling to seek therapy for violent behavior, cheating, substance abuse or a mental health concern.
Another caveat before you continue with this post or vlog, every couple is unique. You may have a situation where you are torn between giving up on the relationship or making an ultimatum. I recommend that you bring this concern to therapy. Maybe you will see the best option for you with the help of someone who can see your situation from an objective standpoint.
Nonetheless, this is about making a last stand in your relationship. If you believe there is something about it that you want to see a change in, here are a few tips on how to determine if your situation is worthy of an ultimatum:*
- You are determined to stick by what you decide when the ultimatum is not met. If you are not able to stick with your ultimatum, it will likely not be taken seriously by your partner.
- This is about one issue alone. It does not involve a number of steps or changes that have to happen over time. If your complaint behind your ultimatum is the way he handles household chores, then this may not be a place to make an ultimatum. This is because it involves a habit that will require time and patience to change. These will need moment to moment awareness on the part of your partner. Examples of one issue decisions may involve physical or verbal abuse of you or any member of your family, infidelity, or addictions that have gotten in the way of your relationship.
- The change you are after involves a short time frame. This is an elaboration of the previous point. Anything that may require an indeterminate amount of time, is likely not a condition for an ultimatum.
- The partner giving the ultimatum is not pressured to decide. It is not a game for the person making the ultimatum. It is rather a difficult and painful process to experience. You are not playing a game of chicken with your partner. This pains you to make. It is not a way for you to gain leverage in your relationship.
- The ultimatum will ultimately be for the benefit of the partners involved as well as the people around them. It can start off a change for the betterment of the relationship or for each of the couple. Examples of these would be deciding on getting married or not, having kids, getting therapy to address some of the more pressing concerns that could be a reason for ending the relationship as enumerated earlier.
Remember for as long as you have not left the relationship, you are already making a decision to stay. In the meantime, you are left to your own devices to live out those moments. If there is one great advice I can give you as you contemplate on whether you should leave or make a final stand, it would have to come from Viktor Frankl who wrote:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Ask yourself, when you look back to these moments when you made a decision to set an ultimatum, would you know that you’ve done what is consistent with your deepest parts? If your answer is a yes, then go for it.
*Source: Reconcilable Differences by Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson