by Nathan Chua
Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless? Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential? Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do? Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?
This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT. The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms. Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time. Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:
- You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
- You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
- You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.
If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.
Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:
- “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?”
- “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?”
- “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”
If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed. If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.
Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you: How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success? Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child. Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent. Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security? If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life. It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.
Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick. When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction? If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction. Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup. Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.