One Life Only Blog – Page 4 – One Life Only Counseling Services

What I didn’t get to ask Steve

by Nathan Chua

If you were me and you were about to talk to one of the living legends of the field you work in, you would probably be laser-focused on what you would ask them when the moment finally arrives. Well, lucky me, I got a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Dr. Steven Hayes, and my internet connection at home happened to be having problems for about a couple of months already. It was an interview, three months in waiting! My internet connection had been reliable for the most part of many years, and it chose the worst time to act up!

There were also severe financial challenges that had been surrounding me since the beginning of the year. And of course, I forgot to turn on the extension socket where my laptop was plugged so I could charge during what turned out to be a two-hour interview! It was, after all, akin to a live interview since I didn’t know how to edit video materials. So what could go wrong, did go wrong!

To avoid a monumental mishap, I woke up four hours (4 AM folks!) ahead of schedule, took a look at the speed of my internet connection and it was not even ten percent of the speed that I had been paying for. Having been prepared for the worst case scenario, I still had time to drive up to my office and do the interview there.

So as you can see I was flustered on the lead-up to the interview date most especially because I had been having connectivity problems since February of this year! I was so focused on getting the logistics right that I had forgotten to take down a question that I had in my mind as early as three months ago, when Dr. Hayes, through the kind assistance of David Lorscheid, gave me an affirmative response for the interview. That question could have been the last question I would ask and a fitting ending to the interview. It is related to what we do in the study of human behavior and what keeps us going even when it’s hard.

So for those of you who might be interested enough to follow what happens after a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this, here is the question, and probably the most important one, that I forgot to ask Steve!!!

Question I forgot:

I was particularly moved by the way you ended your book, “A Liberated Mind.” For those of you who have the audio version of the book, there is a bonus at the epilogue. The voice of the narrator suddenly changes into that familiar raspy voice of a wise man in his seventies as he reads what could be the main thing that he’s dedicated his life’s work to and how it could be summed up.

“Humanity is in a race, a race to create a kinder, more flexible and values-based world—to say it another way, a more loving world that is better able to face the challenges that our own scientific and technological developments present to us. Either we will learn how to create modern minds for this modern world of ours, or we will loom ever closer to disaster…

None of us knows how it will turn out, but based on human history, I put my bet on the human community evolving to meet the challenge. I put my bet on our capacity to choose love over fear. That can only happen one person, couple, family, business, and community at a time. When each of us learns how to put our own mind on a leash, and become more able to open up, show up, and move forward toward what we deeply care about, we shine a light into the darkness that helps others do the same. There is a good word for it: the word is love.

We know how important that is. The crying eight-year-olds within us know. Deep down, we all know that love isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

There you go my friends, for all their faults and follies, the work of Dr. Hayes and countless other scientists in human history, can at times be at best, misunderstood and at worst, neglected or even scorned at. The work that he does in the helping business is to make a better world for all of us to experience. A lot of it can be buried underneath these tail-chasing conspiracy theories that researchers and scientists have some kind of hidden notorious agenda in an age where people can be isolated in their own silos of information.

I had a follow up question in mind too: “Could I say that part where you say this is all about love is why you called it Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?” I have seen Dr. Hayes make a joke about the reason behind the name. He would say that he wanted it to be the first in the list of hundreds of approaches and models of therapy. My guess is, the name actually represents with a modicum of words, what love is all about. For love is after all about acceptance and commitment, isn’t it? Well, so goes my one and only chance to get confirmation about this idea.

Like Dr. Fauci or any other advocates for science you and I have seen across thousands of miles, Dr. Hayes has dedicated his life to his work because love matters to him. The bottomline behind the countless hours these people spend in their labs is love, because science is love. That’s what it’s all about lest we forget. Thank you Dr. Hayes for your love for science and the people that your work serves. We have a better, kinder world because of your dedication to something that could still use more appreciation from all.

Listen to this article on Spotify! Click here!

Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?

by Nathan Chua

It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures. If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end. Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority. In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together. The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.

A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds. It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are. One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct. One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.

Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content. The arguments remain on the surface. These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did. You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be. You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves. You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner.

It is hard and I recognize that. Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship. You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert.

There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences. The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects. They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you. In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what? One hundred percent!

Metaphor:

One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work. One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend. Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend. Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury. Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury? Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?

If you are like most people I know, you would. Why? Because you love your friend that much.

One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them. Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for. It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past. Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it. Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love. Relish and be mindful of those moments. Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis

by Nathan Chua

I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand. When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others. For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line. These situations don’t usually end up well. Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.

Now don’t get me wrong. Tunnel vision is not always harmful. There are plenty of times when you and I need it. If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation. In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child. If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive.

The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest. A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures. We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment. Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.

On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine. That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans. To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.

So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs. In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem.

Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you. Is it a heaviness in the chest? Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders? Tightness in your head? Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes. Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense.
Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this? Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion.
Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem. See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts.
Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future? Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?
See if you can find out why this is so painful for you. Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear. Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness. Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice. What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?
If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero? How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?
Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours? Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these?
If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way? Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them? What would you suggest they do?
You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have. Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no? Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person. Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life? Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.

That’s all for now folks. Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.

Listen to this post on Spotify! Click here!

Are you at war with sleep?

by Nathan Chua

It is not uncommon that I get complaints about sleep from my clients. It is understandable that when you come home with some major disagreement with someone at work, or try to sleep when you just had a major fight with your spouse, or experienced a panic attack while on your way home from work, sleep might be a problem.

If you’re one who believes that there is a way for you to have sleep on demand, I have news for you. You can’t demand sleep! Sleep comes when you get tired. If you haven’t yet caught the irony of this article’s title, here’s what it tells us, “You can’t sleep when you’re at war with sleep!” See if you can remember the last time you were primed for a fight or a competition. If your goal is to win the fight or the contest, then there’s that sympathetic nervous system that gets activated, whether you like it or not. It prepares you for action! And how do you think being prepared for action works to make you sleep? Probably impossible.

One of the more common pieces of advice that we get for falling asleep is to prepare for sleep with certain rituals. So much so that the preparation itself becomes so elaborate and the subject of our focus, that one thing is for sure, once something does not fall into its proper place, then you can’t sleep! Oh! I didn’t get the proper darkness right or the bathroom ritual went the wrong way. If sleep becomes something that you need to prepare for every night, then see if you manage to fall asleep when your sympathetic nervous system is primed for action! The sympathetic nervous system is what our bodies call upon for situations that demand action, like when we’re about to get hit by a bus. Try falling asleep while you see a bus hurtling down the street towards you. It’s called falling asleep for a reason…it’s not something within our control.

More often than not, you will struggle with sleep if you believe it is something you can get on demand! What the third wave of cognitive behavioral therapy or what some would call mindfulness-based cognitive therapies suggests is that we can be present in the moment and attend to whatever it is we are attending to. So instead of focusing on the struggle with sleep, or whatever it is that you need to do in order to sleep, we can choose to focus on what it is that we are doing at the moment. Metaphorically speaking, we can stop and smell the flowers.

For sleep problems, one can focus on how your pillow feels like behind your head, or the mattress on your back. You can even focus on your body sensations with a scan of your body from your toes up to the top of your head. Notice that when you do this exercise, your mind will come up with thoughts not just of what it is that is keeping you from sleeping, but also thoughts about what you are doing at the moment too! What’s this? This is crazy! This isn’t going to work! Notice those as thoughts as well, and then just go back to your body sensations.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness, “Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.”

Bottomline is the less willing you are to have these difficult thoughts and feelings, the more they will come to haunt you. Just notice it as part of how you have learned to cope with such thoughts and go back to what you intend to do on your bed at night. See where this takes you!

Listen to this post on Spotify! Click here!

How humor can save your relationship

by Nathan Chua

We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews. In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences. These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.

To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples. A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts. One might be slower than the other. Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others. This may or may not change in your partner. They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot. The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences. It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with.

Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences. Let’s use the example we just used about waiting. If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them. See if you can understand what’s behind it. Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious. Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship. You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions. As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met? Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other. Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword. The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside.

The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article. Humor! First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise. In other words, have some foresight. Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly. A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late. I promise to keep it at four seconds next time. I know four is okay, but five is a bit much. My bad!” Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone. I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing. Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!

If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about. Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits? Why? Because that’s what life and relationships are all about. It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.

Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week. It will not drastically change who you are as individuals. Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners. They would cry and laugh throughout the wake. Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided. It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Go to this link!

Divorced? Separated? What can you do?

by Nathan Chua

It took quite a while, but after listening to a podcast interview between Steven Hayes and a couple of divorced individuals, I realized that there is a significant part of the population that I might have missed writing about in a while. I mean we even have local laws that give this segment of our population the same perks as the elderly and differently-abled. Like them, I have also had my share of failed relationships to say the least! How could I?

One of the main problems that people in this segment find themselves in is the walls that they can build around them. Borrowing from an illustration that Dr. Hayes used to describe what these walls signify in our language, it is like asking these clients who have chosen this path after a painful end to a relationship to fill in the blank in this statement, “I will never be that _________ again.” The words that came out of your head tell you what these walls were meant to protect. In the interview Dr. Hayes and the interviewers came up with the following: trusting, innocent, and vulnerable.

Now don’t get me wrong though, there is a place to be mindful of red flags in a potential relationship. But for many who become closed off to relationships and the risks of having one again, they usually end up lonely. They substitute the pain of presence with the pain of absence.

Here’s my version of a little metaphor that Dr. Darin Cairns used in one of his demonstration counseling sessions. If you were playing a therapist to a client named Joe, who decided after being dumped by the love of his life, to remain closed off from any future dates with other women, ask yourself a few questions about him. Do you think that Joe would become safer and less vulnerable to getting hurt? Of course. In the long term though, if he remains unwilling to go out and date someone, do you think he’d be happier? Would he be more or less lonely using this way of coping in the long run? You’d probably say no to both.

Recovering from a lost relationship takes a bit of a balance. You and I still have that part of us that’s willing to go out there and try something different. It is something we share with other animals. We learn by trial and error. We have a bonus though, we also have minds that can direct us to what really matters to us in the long run. If we learn to open up to the pain of our past, we also learn that we care about relationships, or what it is that’s important to us. If you sense the same negative feelings you have had with that abusive partner, then it’s probably time to say no to another one. The problem happens when you and I close off to those painful memories of the past, then we are liable to become victims of the same problems in the future because we don’t learn from them. We just run away from them.

We might also cling on to the belief that somehow our relationship will change the person in front of us. Our problem-solving minds really try to do us the service of staying away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings and clinging on to the pleasant ones, so much so that we are left unaware of the possibility that we are falling into the same traps in the past. Yes, it may feel good to see how you changed the individual in front of you, but do wait for a while and see if it lasts. As Dr. Russ Harris mentioned in one of his training modules, there is a difference between blind and mindful trust.

To summarize, if there was a rule that I can recommend you do in your future as a single individual looking for companionship or deciding to choose a life as a single, then it is this. Be mindful. Be mindful of what you see in front of you, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and be mindful of your dreams and aspirations. Maybe then you’d come to see that whether you remain single or find that relationship that you’ve been looking for, you still have a full life in front of you that’s vital and challenging at the same time.

You can regain that vulnerability and innocence all over again, but also be wiser and more mindful at the same time.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Climbing the Mountain of Your Life

by Nathan Chua

Have you lost hope recently? Does it feel like you have hit a ceiling in your life? Does it feel like everything is just one dreadful day after another? Has life turned into a series of musts, shoulds, and can’ts? Are you tired of running away? Perhaps running away from a life that you had always wanted? What is left to pursue with your time?

Whether it’s an addiction, anxiety, depression, or whatnot, it’s probably time to change your perspective on what’s going on with your life. If feeling safe is what you had been looking for in a long time, then you might notice that it is only a matter of time when your anxiety, depression, addictive urges, or anger catch up with you. It’s a fruitless endeavor. Why? Because you had been hardwired to have them. To what extent will depend much on your personal history. Unfortunately, no matter what, your personal history is going to be with you. Your memories are not your roommates that you can avoid by just picking another place to stay.

Clients who start gaining the ability to move forward in their lives would often run back for help whenever there are new challenges that come or when these obstacles feel insurmountable. Well, here is something that might encourage you. Let’s say you are a mountain climber. As you climb up that mountain, you would probably feel the challenges getting more daunting. Why? Because the higher you go the harder your fall will be. You also notice that you begin to have some bruises or more tired muscles as you reach one milestone after another. Your supplies may also show that you have less of what’s left as you climb. There may also have been unexpected delays or injuries that needed more time to heal.

Such is life when you go after what it is that gives it meaning and purpose. Success or no success, what’s important is the climbing. I mean you probably wouldn’t exchange the experience with just having a drive up the mountain in a nice SUV.

You might be reading this and think about what this has got to do with your problems. Let’s say you have the dream of finding a partner that you can love. You may fail along the way. Not all your relationships end up with an exchange of vows. The other end of this journey could be finding the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Either way there is one common denominator in this pursuit of a meaningful relationship. You want to be in a relationship because you want to love and care for someone. And this doesn’t change regardless of outcomes, but the challenges can change and become even more challenging.

Another example is, you might be working hard for your dreams of sharing the fruits of your labor with people you care for. Bottom line is you probably are not working for money for the sake of one day lying down on top of it. You probably want to use this money for the people that matter to you, including yourself and maybe that sense of being independent. Whether you succeed or not in making the level of income you want, it would not change the fact that you wanted to be generous with what you earn. So the outcome doesn’t really change who you are and what you want to be. That’s a constant companion. They are your dreams and aspirations of being the person you want to be and living the life you want to live.

So let that mountain that I just stuck in your mind be your guiding metaphor. As you climb higher towards your dreams, you will have new and more difficult challenges that will come. Learning how to embrace them as opportunities to continue with your mission is the key. It is not about results, it’s about you and your dream of just being what you want to be in every step of your way there.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Vulnerability: The Price of Admission to a Loving Relationship

by Nathan Chua

If you are one of my readers who is married, let me ask you this question, “Was there some little, small part of you that wondered if marrying this person, a right decision?” If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did. There’s a funny anecdote about what comes to the mind of a bride as she walks down the aisle to wed her fiance. It’s a play with homonyms, “Aisle, altar, hymn,” turns into, “I’ll alter him!”

If you are one of my readers who was making a big decision of buying a car or a home, was there a little, small part of you that questioned such a decision? If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

If you are one of my readers who is deciding on whether to start a career or go back to school for higher levels of education, is there a little, small part of you that questioned such a choice? If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

As you can see, all of us have one thing in common, that judging, comparing, and problem-solving part of us that is located in between our ears. In some cases, it’s basically telling us that all choices have to be easy and that we can always hold on to both sides of a decision without sacrificing the other.

As we get near Valentine’s day, I want you to start noticing what your mind tells you is not working in your relationship. Are you starting to feel like the moments when you’re feeling resentful in your relationship are increasing while the pleasant ones are coming fewer and farther between? If so, the next step is to notice what you do when these resentments take over your behavior. Do you become aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive when these resentments show up? Are you starting to see your partner as a problem to solve? As someone who needs some psychological fix? As someone who is incapable of doing certain things that you like? On those occasions, what do you notice happens to your interaction with your partner? Are your ways of interacting or communicating helping you get into a more intimate relationship, or is it making your relationship more distant and problematic?

Secondly, remember that that problem-solving part of your mind is there for a good reason. It wants to protect you from harm and help you get through challenges to your personal comfort. The least it wants to happen is to keep you in a vulnerable state. When it’s time to check your finances because you seem to be losing part of your savings, your problem-solving mind will tell you that you need to find out what’s wrong and what’s making your finances vulnerable to the changing conditions in your work or career. If you are being attacked by a dog, your problem-solving mind will help you get out of that vulnerable situation and into safety. If your partner is physically abusive and verbally threatening, then your problem-solving mind can help you find ways to escape such vulnerable situations or find help from the authorities.

When it is our inner experiences that are involved though, our minds still treat our thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations as external threats. It’s part of the work that is done in therapy where people learn to recognize what is a mental or inner threat and what is an actual physical threat. We can escape, fight, or surrender to a physical threat to stop the pain, but we cannot do the same to our inner experiences in order for them to go away, at least without severe consequences to our own vitality. To paraphrase an expert, “Where are you gonna go where your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions don’t go?”

Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, a parent, or some other loved one, the key to a connected and loving relationship is opening up to your more vulnerable feelings. For those of you who are married, remember that your vows meant that you are opening yourself up to vulnerability. No matter how perfect your partner may seem, he or she may suffer a debilitating disease or die anytime. You are taking that step towards the risk of experiencing emotional pain, because love and vulnerability come in a package. Vulnerability means you open up to the pain of possible loss, rejection, mistakes, and many others that come with what is called that state of being human by both you and your loved ones.

Let me end with this quote from Ross White:

“Vulnerability is the price of admission for a vital and meaningful life. If we are to be true to what is important to us, we will inevitably expose ourselves to some risk,” Ross White

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Listen to this article on Spotify! Click here!

Living with Obsessive Thoughts

By Nathan Chua

If you take a closer look at the title of this article, you might see that one word is not capitalized. First of all, it’s what I learned in English composition about how titles should be written. Prepositions are supposed to remain in the lower case when inserted into a title. Secondly and coincidentally, it is probably what would make the approach I use a bit different from what you would mostly encounter in other mainstream therapies. I used the word, “with.” I could have written something like, “Living FREE of your Obsessive Thoughts,” or “Living with LESS Obsessive Thoughts,” or “OVERCOMING Obsessive Thoughts,” or “MANAGING Obsessive Thoughts.” However, that would just take me to the same agenda that is, as I said, mostly what you would expect from the mainstream.

The “”with” part is a big part of what I do in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Training (ACT). You might now be worried or your mind is begging you to ask, “Are you into some kind of torture method?…Don’t you have a way of bringing me at least some relief from these obsessive thoughts? Well, of course we all want relief, and that’s pretty much why people come to see a shrink. But it’s in the “how” you get relief that makes it problematic.

The automatic reaction which is logical, reasonable, and sensible, is to come to therapy with the idea that I can somehow magically remove or lessen your obsessive thoughts. As a renowned psychologist would say, and I paraphrase, “You just happen to be doing what’s reasonable, logical, sensible, and by the way, pathological. It’s logical but it’s also nuts!”

Now before you come to me for help, I want you to notice what it is that you have tried to get rid of those thoughts. Have you taken pills? Have you tried to reason out to yourself to relieve yourself of those thoughts? Have you opted out of things you used to do, hoping that if you stop doing them, you wouldn’t be reminded of those thoughts?

So my next question is, “Have those attempts worked?” Have you been able to remove such obsessions that your mind gives you? Well, you could say yes they have, but if you come to me, then ask yourself, “What for?” Most likely, you are reading this or coming to see me because the thoughts have remained. Yes, they did leave you for a while, but they seem to catch up with you sooner or later.

So let’s do one of my favorite ACT exercises to help you live WITH your obsessive thoughts. On a piece of paper, write down all the difficult obsessive thoughts that you have. You may even include some feelings or bodily sensations that come with those thoughts.

Now, do this. Put it in your pocket and answer a few questions.

Do you have to want to put this paper in your pocket, to put it in your pocket?
Does it take a lot of effort to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to change anything that you have written in this piece of paper in order to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to believe in what you wrote in this piece of paper to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to pretend to put the paper in your pocket in order to put it in your pocket?

If all your answers here are no, then put it in your pocket. If you answer yes to any, think about why your answer is yes. Are you trying to suppress these thoughts? Are you playing the role of another person you think will represent who you are? Are you trying to argue with such thoughts? How many of these have you already tried before? Have they worked to get you to live the life you want or be the person you want to be?

If you’re one who answered no, then put this in your pocket to remind yourself that you are willing to have this because it is in your own best interest to have all these thoughts in your pocket and still do what’s important to you.

Let me end with a quote from a book that also quotes a regular person who had attended an ACT group. This is one of a number who described what willingness meant to them and to their lives:

“Why willingness? Because it is a normal human process to feel pain, and it is inhumane and unloving to try to hold myself to a different standard,” from an anonymous ACT training participant, taken from a book co-written by Steven C. Hayes.

How to be a guide to your teenager

by Nathan Chua

Generation gap? What happened to my baby? I want the best for her but she seems to not understand! He’s not listening to my words anymore. She seems to spend more time in her room, on her phone than with us parents exactly when there are opportunities to connect and bond. These are just some of the common problems I see from parents who, for the first time, are feeling like they have lost control over their teenage child.

One of my favorite metaphors to share with parents who struggle with their teenagers is that of a mother bird who has a few grown up chicks that are just about ready to fly out on their own. Your teenager wants to take flight. They will have some unsuccessful attempts and this is the time you could be seen by your child either as a teammate or a big obstacle.

The teen years are like the toddler years. They can be really challenging. Remember how much you had to worry about your toddler hurting himself, or losing them in a mall? Your teenager is no longer a child but not yet an adult, just as your toddler is no longer an infant but not yet able to walk without falling badly at times. This can be a painful realization for the parents. If there was separation anxiety for kids, I think this could be the closest thing to it that parents experience.

One of the more frequent complaints I get from parents is that their kids are no longer listening to their admonitions and at times showing no fear of their sterner warnings. In some cases, one parent plays the good cop and the other the bad one. Not only does the conflict happen between the parents and the child, but also between the couple. One resents playing the bad cop and the other resents the other for being the bad cop. It’s quite a common issue for parents with kids, to disagree about how to parent.

But I get it. Parents have all the good intentions to keep their kids from harm and get them to a brighter future. The problem lies in the way they do it. Dr. Darin Cairns has come up with an interesting metaphor on how to help your relationship with your teenager get better. Dr. Cairns asks parents to choose if they wish to act as gatekeepers or guides.

More often, parents perform the role of gatekeepers. They determine for their children what they should or should not do. Of course, there are certainly some things that parents would not want their kids to try, like crossing the street without a care about vehicles coming toward them. Most of the time however, gatekeepers use rules of what to do or not to do for their kids without much of an explanation or giving the child a sense of some autonomy over their actions and choices. Guides, on the other hand, are parents who validate their teens, allow them to make choices, and let them see for themselves the consequences of these choices.

It doesn’t end there though, being a positive guide is also part of this equation. By positive I don’t mean that everything should be happy and joyful. This will give the impression to the child that it is bad to feel sad or anxious or angry or any of the unpleasant emotions. By positive I mean that you should focus on asking your child to do things rather than telling them what not to do. Why? Because through this your child will not feel criticized and will take your guidance as an opportunity to learn new things and give them a sense of agency.

Well, I am getting tired as I write this. Suffice it to say that I completely empathize with parents of teenagers. It is quite the chore but nonetheless it can be rewarding to be a guide and a friend to your teenager rather than a gatekeeper who is constantly on the lookout for what disaster your kid is up to now. Haha!