Tag: Couples Therapy
ACT Matrix for Chronic Cheating or Infidelity
Successful But Unsatisfied
by Nathan Chua
Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless? Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential? Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do? Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?
This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT. The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms. Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time. Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:
- You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
- You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
- You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.
If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.
Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:
- “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?”
- “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?”
- “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”
If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed. If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.
Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you: How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success? Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child. Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent. Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security? If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life. It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.
Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick. When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction? If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction. Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup. Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.
Meet Our Second One Life Only Consultant for Couples and Family Counseling!
During a workshop with Dr. Steven Hayes, I badgered him about what approach to use for couples therapy that is consistent with functional contextual principles. One of them he mentioned was new to me and I haven’t tried before. The approach is called Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT)! With the kind heart of Dr. Andrew Christensen, one of the co-developers of IBCT, I was allowed to attend one of his workshops online. He eventually referred me to Dr. Blake Evans, one of his certified IBCT therapists, to help me with developing my skills in IBCT.
It has been a rich experience consulting with Dr. Evans and I find so much joy working with him.
Here’s a short bio of Dr. Evans, our One Life Only Consultant for Couples and Family Therapy:
Dr. Blake Evans is a Staff Psychologist at a satellite clinic of the St. Cloud VA HealthCare System in Alexandria, Minnesota. He obtained his doctoral degree in clinical psychology at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater, Oklahoma, internship at the Battle Creek VA Medical Center in Battle Creek, Michigan, and post-doctoral fellowship at the Minneapolis VA Medical Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
He holds a collateral position as a national trainer/consultant for the VA Family Services Division OMHS-SP for Integrated Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) and was previously a trainer/consultant for Behavioral Family Therapy (BFT).
His primary professional interests lie in the assessment and treatment of relationship difficulties as well as a variety of conditions including trauma-related disorders, affective and anxiety disorders, and personality disorders. Dr. Evans’ interests also include training, consultation, and program design/improvement.
His theoretical orientation is cognitive-behavioral, with an emphasis on contemporary behavioral approaches, including Integrated Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Motivational Interviewing (MI).
Thank you Blake! I have had so much enlightenment in our discussions. I count it a privilege to have you part of this One Life Only team!
Nathan
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy
I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.
Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ
Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:
Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC
Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E
Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?
by Nathan Chua
It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures. If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end. Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority. In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together. The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.
A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds. It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are. One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct. One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.
Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content. The arguments remain on the surface. These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did. You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be. You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves. You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner.
It is hard and I recognize that. Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship. You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert.
There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences. The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects. They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you. In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what? One hundred percent!
Metaphor:
One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work. One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend. Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend. Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury. Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury? Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?
If you are like most people I know, you would. Why? Because you love your friend that much.
One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them. Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for. It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past. Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it. Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love. Relish and be mindful of those moments. Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.
Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis
by Nathan Chua
I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand. When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others. For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line. These situations don’t usually end up well. Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.
Now don’t get me wrong. Tunnel vision is not always harmful. There are plenty of times when you and I need it. If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation. In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child. If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive.
The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest. A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures. We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment. Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.
On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine. That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans. To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.
So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs. In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem.
- Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you. Is it a heaviness in the chest? Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders? Tightness in your head? Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes. Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense.
- Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this? Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion.
- Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem. See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts.
- Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future? Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?
- See if you can find out why this is so painful for you. Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear. Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness. Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice. What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?
- If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero? How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?
- Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours? Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these?
- If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way? Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
- If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them? What would you suggest they do?
- You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have. Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no? Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person. Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
- If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life? Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.
That’s all for now folks. Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.
How to start Marriage/Relationship Number 2
by Nathan Chua
New year, new dear? Yes, you can, as a couple, start your relationship all over again! You might be wondering how in the world can I, as a counselor, help you change your partner? Oh he’s been like that for a good part of two decades now! What gives me the audacity to claim I can change your partner? Well, there is a way my friends! And the wonderful thing about it, is it’s up to you, not your partner. Let me tell you how to curtail your long wait.
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but paradoxically, the best way to change your partner is to accept him! Of course I’d be lying if I told you that this was guaranteed. But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried many, many ways to change your partner, and they all haven’t worked. In fact, the more you try to change your partner, the more rigid he becomes. Most of the time, you find yourselves stuck in a verbal skirmish that could put to shame some lawyers you know, in terms of the tenacity and adroit argumentation that both you and your partner display.
Let me explain what I mean with an example. If let’s say your partner is not as neat and tidy as you are. You are now exhausted with all the cleaning up to do and the reminders you have to make to help your partner remember to do her side of the bargain. You then come to therapy and learn that these things are better off accepted and can take a long time to change, especially with the way you have been heretofore dealing with the problem. Based on this new understanding or awareness that what you have been doing is part of what keeps you stuck, you start laying off on the reminders and become more accepting of the fact that your partner will be hard-pressed to turn into the neat and tidy person that you want. There is a likelihood that your partner will notice the change in your attitude. You no longer holler and complain as much as you used to. She may notice that and begin to see how hard it is for you to be left alone taking care of house chores. Pretty soon you see her performing some of the chores to please you, precisely because you have accepted her with these differences she brings into the relationship.
Another tip is also to be more noticing of your partner’s efforts to change. If you notice that she has started doing some unexpected cleaning, be mindful enough to show her your appreciation. Give her a smile or a hug or say some encouraging words of appreciation. You’d know more than I do what makes your partner happy. Show her that you’re not missing the forest for the tree…maybe for the first time in a long long while.
Now, do you notice also that in both of these pieces of advice that I just enumerated, who is in control? Is it your partner or you? It is you. You have control over your actions of whether to accept your partner’s differences in the way she keeps her place tidy. You also have control over your behaviors that involve encouraging her by your appreciation.
So creating marriage number two is not about changing your partner, it’s more about changing you! And the most accessible parts of you that can be changed, are those that involve your choices to act. You may feel frustrated and uncomfortable, but in the end you have the option to keep whining and complaining and criticizing your partner, or start the process by coming to accept that certain things are hard to change.
As a summary of what you can keep in mind to help you change the way you have been approaching your relationship or marital concerns, here are some immortal words from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve problems with the same thinking that we used to create them.”
After Infidelity
by Nathan Chua
What now? Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs. Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering. At times, there might even be physical altercations. No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.
Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on. In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship. This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner. There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair. I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.
For the offended party:
Tip 1: You will very likely have flashbacks. Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present. Suspicions show up regularly. On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed. Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt. In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms. The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication. They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication. Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories.
Tip 2: Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression. The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation. Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks. This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.
Tip 3: Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred. Think about what you want to stand for at this moment. Ask yourself, “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these? If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”
For the Offending Party:
Tip 1: Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say. Your partner is not doing this on purpose. It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner. Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion. Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.
Tip 2: Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments. Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying. It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.
Tip 3: The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring. Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal. However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.
Is it time to leave?
My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together. Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship. Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both. The betrayed partner is never to be blamed. At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.
Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal. For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted. Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other. The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.
In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here: When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.
Listen to the podcast version of this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!
The Surefire Way to Save Your Relationship!
by Nathan Chua
More often than not, couples come to counseling explaining their respective sides of the mess that has become of their relationship. Each of them has turned into a lawyer for their respective cases to prosecute and defend. For the trained eye though, they are engaging in a pattern of attack and defend. They’ve come to therapy to find an advocate or the ultimate authority in the person of the counselor. It is the therapist or counselor who will make the final determination of who is right and who is wrong. In some cases, they see the therapist as the final arbiter who can determine the fate of their relationship.
For those who are hoping to find some ways of resolving their differences, they face the dilemma of still loving and caring for their partner, but at the same time, can’t wrap their heads around why they end up fighting like mortal enemies over some trivial matters. It’s like their partner turns into something else other than the person they fell in love with. This while each shows glimpses of that lovable side in more sober moments.
Couples find themselves dealing with two dilemmas. These twin dilemmas are what I described in the first paragraph of this blogpost. The dilemma about who’s right and who’s wrong (i.e. who should back down and submit to the authority of the counselor), and the dilemma of whether the relationship is worth saving or not.
Fortunately, there is a surefire way to save your relationship. I believe that no matter what you end up doing as a couple, a successful handling of your dilemma means that you retain a relationship with your partner regardless of whether it remains together or not. With this silver bullet to all relationships, a couple may end up having a better way of handling their conflicts, or discover that they might be better off as separate individuals who can still learn to be friends after.
The best way to find out what the ultimate fate of the relationship will be, is to change the only thing that each partner has the most control over: Themselves! In other words, if you change yourself for the better, you are more likely to enjoy a couple of possible results. You either end up having a better relationship because your partner notices your positive changes, or you realize that no matter how much you change, your partner doesn’t.
Let’s take the first possible result. If your partner senses the positive changes you have made, there is a greater likelihood that they will change too. For example, when, after years of trying, you decide not to badger your partner about how messy the room is. Your partner may notice that sudden but welcome change. Having felt relieved of the constant reminders, your partner may in turn show you their appreciation by, well, cleaning up the room!
Changing yourself can also solve the dilemma of whether you should stay in the relationship or otherwise. If you have done your part to make changes in yourself and see a lack of response in your partner, then maybe it’s time to come to the realization that you no longer share the same ideas about who or what is important to both of your lives at this moment. By getting yourself out of the attack and defend pattern, you will know that your partner’s unresponsiveness is not rooted in the way you handle conflict, but a difference in your life directions.
To end this post, just remember that when all things seem hopeless, you still have yourself to count on for change.
“Be the change you want to see in the world,” Mahatma Gandhi.