Tag: Marital Therapy

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ACT Matrix for Anger

Interviewed by Jacob Martinez, ACT Matrix Expert and Professional Counselor from Wisconsin!

How humor can save your relationship

by Nathan Chua

We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews.  In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences.  These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.

To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples.  A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts.  One might be slower than the other.  Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others.  This may or may not change in your partner.  They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot.  The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences.  It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with. 

Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences.  Let’s use the example we just used about waiting.  If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them.  See if you can understand what’s behind it.  Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious.  Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship.  You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions.  As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met?  Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other.  Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword.  The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside. 

The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article.  Humor!  First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise.  In other words, have some foresight.  Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly.  A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late.  I promise to keep it at four seconds next time.  I know four is okay, but five is a bit much.  My bad!”  Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone.  I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing.  Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!

If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions.  You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about.  Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits?  Why?  Because that’s what life and relationships are all about.  It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.     

Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week.  It will not drastically change who you are as individuals.  Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners.  They would cry and laugh throughout the wake.  Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided.  It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course. 

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Divorced? Separated? What can you do?

by Nathan Chua

It took quite a while, but after listening to a podcast interview between Steven Hayes and a couple of divorced individuals, I realized that there is a significant part of the population that I might have missed writing about in a while.  I mean we even have local laws that give this segment of our population the same perks as the elderly and differently-abled.  Like them, I have also had my share of failed relationships to say the least!  How could I?

One of the main problems that people in this segment find themselves in is the walls that they can build around them.  Borrowing from an illustration that Dr. Hayes used to describe what these walls signify in our language, it is like asking these clients who have chosen this path after a painful end to a relationship to fill in the blank in this statement, “I will never be that _________ again.”  The words that came out of your head tell you what these walls were meant to protect.  In the interview Dr. Hayes and the interviewers came up with the following:  trusting, innocent, and vulnerable.

Now don’t get me wrong though, there is a place to be mindful of red flags in a potential relationship.  But for many who become closed off to relationships and the risks of having one again, they usually end up lonely.  They substitute the pain of presence with the pain of absence.

Here’s my version of a little metaphor that Dr. Darin Cairns used in one of his demonstration counseling sessions.  If you were playing a therapist to a client named Joe, who decided after being dumped by the love of his life, to remain closed off from any future dates with other women, ask yourself a few questions about him.  Do you think that Joe would become safer and less vulnerable to getting hurt?  Of course.  In the long term though, if he remains unwilling to go out and date someone, do you think he’d be happier?  Would he be more or less lonely using this way of coping in the long run?  You’d probably say no to both.  

Recovering from a lost relationship takes a bit of a balance.  You and I still have that part of us that’s willing to go out there and try something different.  It is something we share with other animals.  We learn by trial and error.  We have a bonus though, we also have minds that can direct us to what really matters to us in the long run.  If we learn to open up to the pain of our past, we also learn that we care about relationships, or what it is that’s important to us.  If you sense the same negative feelings you have had with that abusive partner, then it’s probably time to say no to another one.  The problem happens when you and I close off to those painful memories of the past, then we are liable to become victims of the same problems in the future because we don’t learn from them.  We just run away from them.  

We might also cling on to the belief that somehow our relationship will change the person in front of us.  Our problem-solving minds really try to do us the service of staying away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings and clinging on to the pleasant ones, so much so that we are left unaware of the possibility that we are falling into the same traps in the past.  Yes, it may feel good to see how you changed the individual in front of you, but do wait for a while and see if it lasts.  As Dr. Russ Harris mentioned in one of his training modules, there is a difference between blind and mindful trust.

To summarize, if there was a rule that I can recommend you do in your future as a single individual looking for companionship or deciding to choose a life as a single, then it is this.  Be mindful.  Be mindful of what you see in front of you, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and be mindful of your dreams and aspirations.  Maybe then you’d come to see that whether you remain single or find that relationship that you’ve been looking for, you still have a full life in front of you that’s vital and challenging at the same time.    

You can regain that vulnerability and innocence all over again, but also be wiser and more mindful at the same time.       

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Vulnerability: The Price of Admission to a Loving Relationship

by Nathan Chua

If you are one of my readers who is married, let me ask you this question, “Was there some little, small part of you that wondered if marrying this person, a right decision?”  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.  There’s a funny anecdote about what comes to the mind of a bride as she walks down the aisle to wed her fiance.  It’s a play with homonyms, “Aisle, altar, hymn,” turns into, “I’ll alter him!” 

If you are one of my readers who was making a big decision of buying a car or a home, was there a little, small part of you that questioned such a decision?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

If you are one of my readers who is deciding on whether to start a career or go back to school for higher levels of education, is there a little, small part of you that questioned such a choice?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

As you can see, all of us have one thing in common, that judging, comparing, and problem-solving part of us that is located in between our ears.  In some cases, it’s basically telling us that all choices have to be easy and that we can always hold on to both sides of a decision without sacrificing the other.  

As we get near Valentine’s day, I want you to start noticing what your mind tells you is not working in your relationship.  Are you starting to feel like the moments when you’re feeling resentful in your relationship are increasing while the pleasant ones are coming fewer and farther between?  If so, the next step is to notice what you do when these resentments take over your behavior.  Do you become aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive when these resentments show up?  Are you starting to see your partner as a problem to solve?  As someone who needs some psychological fix?  As someone who is incapable of doing certain things that you like?  On those occasions, what do you notice happens to your interaction with your partner?  Are your ways of interacting or communicating helping you get into a more intimate relationship, or is it making your relationship more distant and problematic?

Secondly, remember that that problem-solving part of your mind is there for a good reason.  It wants to protect you from harm and help you get through challenges to your personal comfort.  The least it wants to happen is to keep you in a vulnerable state.  When it’s time to check your finances because you seem to be losing part of your savings, your problem-solving mind will tell you that you need to find out what’s wrong and what’s making your finances vulnerable to the changing conditions in your work or career.  If you are being attacked by a dog, your problem-solving mind will help you get out of that vulnerable situation and into safety.  If your partner is physically abusive and verbally threatening, then your problem-solving mind can help you find ways to escape such vulnerable situations or find help from the authorities. 

When it is our inner experiences that are involved though, our minds still treat our thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations as external threats.  It’s part of the work that is done in therapy where people learn to recognize what is a mental or inner threat and what is an actual physical threat.  We can escape, fight, or surrender to a physical threat to stop the pain, but we cannot do the same to our inner experiences in order for them to go away, at least without severe consequences to our own vitality.  To paraphrase an expert, “Where are you gonna go where your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions don’t go?”  

Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, a parent, or some other loved one, the key to a connected and loving relationship is opening up to your more vulnerable feelings.  For those of you who are married, remember that your vows meant that you are opening yourself up to vulnerability.  No matter how perfect your partner may seem, he or she may suffer a debilitating disease or die anytime.  You are taking that step towards the risk of experiencing emotional pain, because love and vulnerability come in a package.  Vulnerability means you open up to the pain of possible loss, rejection, mistakes, and many others that come with what is called that state of being human by both you and your loved ones.   

Let me end with this quote from Ross White:

“Vulnerability is the price of admission for a vital and meaningful life.  If we are to be true to what is important to us, we will inevitably expose ourselves to some risk,” Ross White

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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How to start Marriage/Relationship Number 2

by Nathan Chua

New year, new dear?  Yes, you can, as a couple, start your relationship all over again!  You might be wondering how in the world can I, as a counselor, help you change your partner?  Oh he’s been like that for a good part of two decades now!  What gives me the audacity to claim I can change your partner?  Well, there is a way my friends!  And the wonderful thing about it, is it’s up to you, not your partner.  Let me tell you how to curtail your long wait. 

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but paradoxically, the best way to change your partner is to accept him!  Of course I’d be lying if I told you that this was guaranteed.  But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried many, many ways to change your partner, and they all haven’t worked.  In fact, the more you try to change your partner, the more rigid he becomes.  Most of the time, you find yourselves stuck in a verbal skirmish that could put to shame some lawyers you know, in terms of the tenacity and adroit argumentation that both you and your partner display.  

Let me explain what I mean with an example.  If let’s say your partner is not as neat and tidy as you are.  You are now exhausted with all the cleaning up to do and the reminders you have to make to help your partner remember to do her side of the bargain.  You then come to therapy and learn that these things are better off accepted and can take a long time to change, especially with the way you have been heretofore dealing with the problem.  Based on this new understanding or awareness that what you have been doing is part of what keeps you stuck, you start laying off on the reminders and become more accepting of the fact that your partner will be hard-pressed to turn into the neat and tidy person that you want.  There is a likelihood that your partner will notice the change in your attitude.  You no longer holler and complain as much as you used to.  She may notice that and begin to see how hard it is for you to be left alone taking care of house chores.  Pretty soon you see her performing some of the chores to please you, precisely because you have accepted her with these differences she brings into the relationship.

Another tip is also to be more noticing of your partner’s efforts to change.  If you notice that she has started doing some unexpected cleaning, be mindful enough to show her your appreciation.  Give her a smile or a hug or say some encouraging words of appreciation.  You’d know more than I do what makes your partner happy.  Show her that you’re not missing the forest for the tree…maybe for the first time in a long long while.

Now, do you notice also that in both of these pieces of advice that I just enumerated, who is in control?  Is it your partner or you?  It is you.  You have control over your actions of whether to accept your partner’s differences in the way she keeps her place tidy.  You also have control over your behaviors that involve encouraging her by your appreciation.    

So creating marriage number two is not about changing your partner, it’s more about changing you!  And the most accessible parts of you that can be changed, are those that involve your choices to act.  You may feel frustrated and uncomfortable, but in the end you have the option to keep whining and complaining and criticizing your partner, or start the process by coming to accept that certain things are hard to change.    

As a summary of what you can keep in mind to help you change the way you have been approaching your relationship or marital concerns, here are some immortal words from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve problems with the same thinking that we used to create them.”   

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After Infidelity

by Nathan Chua

What now?  Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs.  Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering.  At times, there might even be physical altercations.  No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.  

Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on.  In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship.  This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner.  There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair.  I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.     

For the offended party:

Tip 1:  You will very likely have flashbacks.  Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present.  Suspicions show up regularly.  On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed.  Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt.  In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms.  The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication.  They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication.  Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories. 

Tip 2:  Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression.  The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation.  Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks.  This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.  

Tip 3:  Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred.  Think about what you want to stand for at this moment.  Ask yourself,  “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these?  If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”       

For the Offending Party:

Tip 1:  Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say.  Your partner is not doing this on purpose.  It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner.  Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion.  Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.  

Tip 2:  Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments.  Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying.  It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.  

Tip 3:  The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring.  Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal.  However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.  

Is it time to leave?

My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together.  Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship.  Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both.  The betrayed partner is never to be blamed.  At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.

Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal.  For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted.  Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other.  The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.  

In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here:  When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.      

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