Tag: Marriage Counseling

Vulnerability: The Price of Admission to a Loving Relationship

by Nathan Chua

If you are one of my readers who is married, let me ask you this question, “Was there some little, small part of you that wondered if marrying this person, a right decision?”  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.  There’s a funny anecdote about what comes to the mind of a bride as she walks down the aisle to wed her fiance.  It’s a play with homonyms, “Aisle, altar, hymn,” turns into, “I’ll alter him!” 

If you are one of my readers who was making a big decision of buying a car or a home, was there a little, small part of you that questioned such a decision?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

If you are one of my readers who is deciding on whether to start a career or go back to school for higher levels of education, is there a little, small part of you that questioned such a choice?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

As you can see, all of us have one thing in common, that judging, comparing, and problem-solving part of us that is located in between our ears.  In some cases, it’s basically telling us that all choices have to be easy and that we can always hold on to both sides of a decision without sacrificing the other.  

As we get near Valentine’s day, I want you to start noticing what your mind tells you is not working in your relationship.  Are you starting to feel like the moments when you’re feeling resentful in your relationship are increasing while the pleasant ones are coming fewer and farther between?  If so, the next step is to notice what you do when these resentments take over your behavior.  Do you become aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive when these resentments show up?  Are you starting to see your partner as a problem to solve?  As someone who needs some psychological fix?  As someone who is incapable of doing certain things that you like?  On those occasions, what do you notice happens to your interaction with your partner?  Are your ways of interacting or communicating helping you get into a more intimate relationship, or is it making your relationship more distant and problematic?

Secondly, remember that that problem-solving part of your mind is there for a good reason.  It wants to protect you from harm and help you get through challenges to your personal comfort.  The least it wants to happen is to keep you in a vulnerable state.  When it’s time to check your finances because you seem to be losing part of your savings, your problem-solving mind will tell you that you need to find out what’s wrong and what’s making your finances vulnerable to the changing conditions in your work or career.  If you are being attacked by a dog, your problem-solving mind will help you get out of that vulnerable situation and into safety.  If your partner is physically abusive and verbally threatening, then your problem-solving mind can help you find ways to escape such vulnerable situations or find help from the authorities. 

When it is our inner experiences that are involved though, our minds still treat our thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations as external threats.  It’s part of the work that is done in therapy where people learn to recognize what is a mental or inner threat and what is an actual physical threat.  We can escape, fight, or surrender to a physical threat to stop the pain, but we cannot do the same to our inner experiences in order for them to go away, at least without severe consequences to our own vitality.  To paraphrase an expert, “Where are you gonna go where your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions don’t go?”  

Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, a parent, or some other loved one, the key to a connected and loving relationship is opening up to your more vulnerable feelings.  For those of you who are married, remember that your vows meant that you are opening yourself up to vulnerability.  No matter how perfect your partner may seem, he or she may suffer a debilitating disease or die anytime.  You are taking that step towards the risk of experiencing emotional pain, because love and vulnerability come in a package.  Vulnerability means you open up to the pain of possible loss, rejection, mistakes, and many others that come with what is called that state of being human by both you and your loved ones.   

Let me end with this quote from Ross White:

“Vulnerability is the price of admission for a vital and meaningful life.  If we are to be true to what is important to us, we will inevitably expose ourselves to some risk,” Ross White

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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How to start Marriage/Relationship Number 2

by Nathan Chua

New year, new dear?  Yes, you can, as a couple, start your relationship all over again!  You might be wondering how in the world can I, as a counselor, help you change your partner?  Oh he’s been like that for a good part of two decades now!  What gives me the audacity to claim I can change your partner?  Well, there is a way my friends!  And the wonderful thing about it, is it’s up to you, not your partner.  Let me tell you how to curtail your long wait. 

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but paradoxically, the best way to change your partner is to accept him!  Of course I’d be lying if I told you that this was guaranteed.  But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried many, many ways to change your partner, and they all haven’t worked.  In fact, the more you try to change your partner, the more rigid he becomes.  Most of the time, you find yourselves stuck in a verbal skirmish that could put to shame some lawyers you know, in terms of the tenacity and adroit argumentation that both you and your partner display.  

Let me explain what I mean with an example.  If let’s say your partner is not as neat and tidy as you are.  You are now exhausted with all the cleaning up to do and the reminders you have to make to help your partner remember to do her side of the bargain.  You then come to therapy and learn that these things are better off accepted and can take a long time to change, especially with the way you have been heretofore dealing with the problem.  Based on this new understanding or awareness that what you have been doing is part of what keeps you stuck, you start laying off on the reminders and become more accepting of the fact that your partner will be hard-pressed to turn into the neat and tidy person that you want.  There is a likelihood that your partner will notice the change in your attitude.  You no longer holler and complain as much as you used to.  She may notice that and begin to see how hard it is for you to be left alone taking care of house chores.  Pretty soon you see her performing some of the chores to please you, precisely because you have accepted her with these differences she brings into the relationship.

Another tip is also to be more noticing of your partner’s efforts to change.  If you notice that she has started doing some unexpected cleaning, be mindful enough to show her your appreciation.  Give her a smile or a hug or say some encouraging words of appreciation.  You’d know more than I do what makes your partner happy.  Show her that you’re not missing the forest for the tree…maybe for the first time in a long long while.

Now, do you notice also that in both of these pieces of advice that I just enumerated, who is in control?  Is it your partner or you?  It is you.  You have control over your actions of whether to accept your partner’s differences in the way she keeps her place tidy.  You also have control over your behaviors that involve encouraging her by your appreciation.    

So creating marriage number two is not about changing your partner, it’s more about changing you!  And the most accessible parts of you that can be changed, are those that involve your choices to act.  You may feel frustrated and uncomfortable, but in the end you have the option to keep whining and complaining and criticizing your partner, or start the process by coming to accept that certain things are hard to change.    

As a summary of what you can keep in mind to help you change the way you have been approaching your relationship or marital concerns, here are some immortal words from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve problems with the same thinking that we used to create them.”   

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After Infidelity

by Nathan Chua

What now?  Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs.  Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering.  At times, there might even be physical altercations.  No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.  

Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on.  In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship.  This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner.  There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair.  I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.     

For the offended party:

Tip 1:  You will very likely have flashbacks.  Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present.  Suspicions show up regularly.  On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed.  Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt.  In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms.  The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication.  They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication.  Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories. 

Tip 2:  Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression.  The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation.  Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks.  This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.  

Tip 3:  Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred.  Think about what you want to stand for at this moment.  Ask yourself,  “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these?  If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”       

For the Offending Party:

Tip 1:  Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say.  Your partner is not doing this on purpose.  It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner.  Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion.  Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.  

Tip 2:  Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments.  Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying.  It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.  

Tip 3:  The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring.  Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal.  However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.  

Is it time to leave?

My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together.  Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship.  Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both.  The betrayed partner is never to be blamed.  At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.

Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal.  For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted.  Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other.  The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.  

In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here:  When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.      

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The Surefire Way to Save Your Relationship!

by Nathan Chua

More often than not, couples come to counseling explaining their respective sides of the mess that has become of their relationship.  Each of them has turned into a lawyer for their respective cases to prosecute and defend.  For the trained eye though, they are engaging in a pattern of attack and defend.  They’ve come to therapy to find an advocate or the ultimate authority in the person of the counselor.  It is the therapist or counselor who will make the final determination of who is right and who is wrong.  In some cases, they see the therapist as the final arbiter who can determine the fate of their relationship. 

For those who are hoping to find some ways of resolving their differences, they face the dilemma of still loving and caring for their partner, but at the same time, can’t wrap their heads around why they end up fighting like mortal enemies over some trivial matters.  It’s like their partner turns into something else other than the person they fell in love with.  This while each shows glimpses of that lovable side in more sober moments.

Couples find themselves dealing with two dilemmas.  These twin dilemmas are what I described in the first paragraph of this blogpost.  The dilemma about who’s right and who’s wrong (i.e. who should back down and submit to the authority of the counselor), and the dilemma of whether the relationship is worth saving or not.

Fortunately, there is a surefire way to save your relationship.  I believe that no matter what you end up doing as a couple, a successful handling of your dilemma means that you retain a relationship with your partner regardless of whether it remains together or not.  With this silver bullet to all relationships, a couple may end up having a better way of handling their conflicts, or discover that they might be better off as separate individuals who can still learn to be friends after.  

The best way to find out what the ultimate fate of the relationship will be, is to change the only thing that each partner has the most control over:  Themselves!  In other words, if you change yourself for the better, you are more likely to enjoy a couple of possible results.  You either end up having a better relationship because your partner notices your positive changes, or you realize that no matter how much you change, your partner doesn’t.  

Let’s take the first possible result.  If your partner senses the positive changes you have made, there is a greater likelihood that they will change too.  For example, when, after years of trying, you decide not to badger your partner about how messy the room is.  Your partner may notice that sudden but welcome change.  Having felt relieved of the constant reminders, your partner may in turn show you their appreciation by, well, cleaning up the room!

Changing yourself can also solve the dilemma of whether you should stay in the relationship or otherwise.  If you have done your part to make changes in yourself and see a lack of response in your partner, then maybe it’s time to come to the realization that you no longer share the same ideas about who or what is important to both of your lives at this moment.  By getting yourself out of the attack and defend pattern, you will know that your partner’s unresponsiveness is not rooted in the way you handle conflict, but a difference in your life directions.

To end this post, just remember that when all things seem hopeless, you still have yourself to count on for change.  

“Be the change you want to see in the world,” Mahatma Gandhi.

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Why some good advice may be bad for your relationship

by Nathan Chua

These words of wisdom can range from the general to the specific.  How often have you and I heard some talk show hosts and even some clergy, tell us what to do in our relationships, only to find out that these seem to backfire or only give short term results but eventually fail us when we most need them in our most distressing moments.

Here are some examples that hopefully covers the general and the specific advice: 

  • Love your spouse.
  • Do something to satisfy your partner’s love language everyday.
  • Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
  • Don’t be stingy with your apologies.  Apologize as soon as you can whenever conflict ensues.

If these types of advice did work for the majority of us, then we would see a lot less marital discords and separations in our midst.  Last I heard, the “divorce” rate in our country doesn’t veer away much from the averages in more economically-developed countries.  Last I heard also, the divorce rates among therapists are even higher than the average in a developed country like the United States.

For example, let’s use the advice that one should immediately seek reconciliation with a partner to avoid drifting apart.  One way to do that is to make an apology as soon as the conflict starts.  This could end up with the couple not just fighting about what they fought about, but also fighting about how the apology was done!  Double whammy!  And then the couple goes off on a tangent with even more issues about the past or future worries about how the relationship will unfold. 

Context Matters:

The types of advice we hear from talk shows and read about online are well-meant.  I mean who could argue that you should make an apology or that you should address your partner’s love language.  The reason this doesn’t qualify as the silver bullet for change in your relationship, is that we are all different based on our own histories, and also that not all situations are the same.  

Going back to the earlier mentioned example, a highly conflict-avoidant partner may use quick apologies to appease situations.  The offended party though has a history of ranting and in his or her view, being hit immediately by an apology doesn’t offer a chance to release some of that inner tension or start any kind of meaningful talk.  

So for instance, they fight about one not being responsible enough to take out the garbage,  Partner A is angry because this has become a constant irritant between them while Partner B uses his quick apology once again to keep the peace.  A now becomes more annoyed because this was not the first time B has used his apology to avert a discussion.  For A, this does not allow for them to have a constructive conversation or a moment when they are both open to arriving at a compromise.  And there they go!  A gets into a fit that B does this, and B retorts that A should be more receptive to his or her apologies.  So the fight goes from a simple household chore, to their differences in the way they handle conflict.  Sound familiar?

As you can see from this example, no advice however sensical they may sound, will be done in a vacuum.  In other words, the solution becomes the problem so that the original problem remains while they fight about the solution that didn’t work because one did not live up to the expectation that the solution is supposed to provide!

So next time be mindful of the advice that you hear in popular media and psychology.  Understand that your partner and you are unique and your situations, likewise.  Try other ways to address these situations that have remained a concern for you for many months or years.  Be aware of these situations as you see them coming.  Look back and see how the situation unfolded, and understand why your relationship is vulnerable to such conflicts.  In other words, be mindful of the context before you apply the advice.    

Finally, remember that you love this person for so many reasons that make your life so much more meaningful.  One of your vows you made rings a bit like the idea that you accept this person for who he or she is.  As Christensen, Jacobson, and Doss have written, “Approach change in the context of acceptance [for] change is the brother of acceptance, but it is the younger brother.”

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Get to know the difference in our approach to counseling…in 30 minutes!

I am quite sure that many of you think that all of the counseling practices being offered in the Philippines are just the same.  Pretty much about common sense advice to deal with your difficulties in the secret life you and I have in our minds.  You probably hear a lot of these in talk shows and see them online in your Google searches.  

I must admit that from 2009 up to 2019, my practice varied only slightly from what was and is still widely available in the Philippines, that of a syndromal and symptom-reduction approach to therapy.  

Since 2019 though, I have come across an approach that I believe jumps out as the most scientifically sound that I have ever experienced applying in my own life, as well as those that I have helped in the past two years or so!

In my zeal and excitement to share this with you, I am now offering a 30-minute session that is packed with enough information for you to see how this relatively new approach in the field of counseling and psychology works so well, and why it is now the most researched method in the world for the last 20 years! 

What you will be shown is what Dr. Kevin Polk calls the Psychological Flexibility Point of View, which can neatly sum up this approach to therapy in just 30 minutes!

Feel free to reach out to us and book yourself a quick 30-minute appointment that we are confident will change your life’s direction!  Yes, that’s all we ask!  Thirty minutes and you are free to decide if you wish to continue your work with us or not.

You can be an individual, a couple, or a family. Just take 30 minutes of your time and see if this is something that will explain best why you and I struggle within our mental worlds!

Call or message me now at 0917 886 LIFE (5433)!  I’d be more than excited to share my newfound knowledge with you, so you can start your journey towards creating that best version of you that you’ve always wanted!

What is One Life Only Counseling about?

Hi everybody! We have recently updated our definition of what One Life Counseling is all about. In our zeal and dedication to provide you with the best possible results in your quest to change your lives for the better, we began our new journey towards a process-based approach to our work. This applies to all our clients including couples and families.

We will never be satisfied unless we find the best possible and most effective approaches that empower you and help direct you to a path of growth and personal satisfaction in living the kind of life you have long wanted for yourself and your loved ones!

We have put the updates in italics.

Here’s what you can expect from One Life Only Counseling:

You can be assured that your information with be kept completely confidential.

You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values.

Your counselor will not impose his or her values and beliefs on you.

We use brief, scientific, and evidence-based approaches to address your concerns. These approaches are known to produce the best results that require only a handful to about a dozen sessions for you to experience life-changing results, as against years of seeing a therapist which can, at its worst, foster dependency.

Since 2019, we have adopted new therapy approaches that do not categorize people into sets of symptoms. They are process-based approaches to therapy that are now gaining appreciation from thousands of experts in the field who have found the current symptom-reduction, syndromal approaches less than adequate in addressing the human condition. The process-based approach has been found to be effective in many areas of concern ranging from common mental health concerns like depression and anxiety to even work and sports performance.

Since 2019, we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but rather helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.

This is content is the subject of our first podcast in our One Life Only Counseling Spotify Channel! If you wish to hear this on Spotify, click here!

What happens when we biomedicalize mental health?

by Nathan Chua

If we were trained to look at the ads we see everywhere from our mobile devices to the busy highways we go through in our regular commute, we can pretty much sum up what they’re selling us in one word.  Would you like to venture a guess?  That new car, that shimmering bottle of beer (that in reality is rather bitter and awful-tasting), that outfit, or even that loan that you have to pay off in a matter of a month to 20 years, are invariably supposed to make us feel good!  So what in one word are they selling us?  Happiness!

Having this in mind, the helping-people business has not been above the culture of the times.  It is understandable that for about a century now, the field of psychology has devolved into an endeavor of classifying us into a set of symptoms or syndromes.  The goal then becomes removing or lessening the four out of seven or the five out of nine signs that you are, for example, a borderline personality.  This is what experts have called symptom-reduction therapies.  Let’s remove your anxiety and depression so you can start moving on with your life, at least to the level of “normality.”  To borrow from one of the pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it’s sort of like looking at how a fountain works by trying to figure out the different colors and patterns, and seeing how these can be explained.  

Unfortunately, such endeavors have only left places where people have been almost literally drugged out of existence.  It turns out that removing these “negative” emotions has a costly side effect: not feeling at all!  There has been no science to determine that there is a germ or microbe or gene that causes mental problems.  The drugs only serve to numb us–something that dead people can do better than we who are alive.  

Too much anxiety?  Well, here’s a drug to keep you relaxed.  Too much depression, well here’s something to perk you up.  It can go so bad as to make those who take these medications dependent on them.  As another expert has said, it’s become so prevalent that in their country, the chemicals that are used in these antidepressants are now found in their water.  Moreover, there are now drugs to treat the very side effects that such medications can create.  And with trained eyes, you can sum up what these drugs are selling in one and the same word again–Happiness!  The objective is to remove those feelings and thoughts first before you can start living a worthwhile life.  

Fortunately, the group of people that Dr. Steven Hayes has assembled, have come up with something called process-based therapy.  Dr. Kirk Strosahl who likened the way symptom reduction therapies work to explaining or addressing the phenomenon of a water fountain by the numerous colors and patterns that it makes, explains it this way:  That if we were engineers studying how this fountain works, we will see that underneath it, is a simple combination of processes that a few tubes combine to do, to make it look intricate.

I have seen it in the people I have met in my work, where they come in with glassy eyes, looking enervated and lifeless.  It breaks my heart to see this.  In my work, I would love to see the exact opposite happening to my clients.  I would love to see them bubbling with energy and enthusiasm for what life has to offer.

The culture nowadays provides for an environment where people (and that includes me) are unintentionally tricked into believing that life is about feeling good.  The meaningful life has become about having the right kind of car, job, or even partner.  Got this or that and you and I will be happy all the time.  Well, first of all, that goal is impossible.  Secondly, some of the most meaningful parts of life revolve around something we did that was hard and anxiety-causing.  

I often use the following vignette to give my clients a new perspective towards life and what it is that we come to therapy for:

“If you look back at a graduation ceremony of a child, or a wedding, or any of these momentous occasions, don’t you at some point want to shed a tear?  Why?  Is it because raising a child and putting them through school was always happy and joyful?  Is culminating a long-term relationship during a wedding all just about having fun?  Or was it more like, you went through a lot of hardship and trials and somehow made it through together?  The most meaningful and purposeful moments were hard, full of ups and downs, and of unpredictable and anxiety-causing moments!  The tears would mean you somehow pulled through and made it!  You did the hard thing, the brave thing!  That’s why you come to me for counseling.  Not just to be happy but always pursuing that which gives you purpose and meaning, until you breathe your last!  And that’s how that wiser part of you says you were meant to live.” 

Goals of Counseling: What is it all about anyway?

by Nathan Chua

I remember a person who shared with me that she had been with her therapist for several years.  She felt it helped her in terms of managing her anxieties and anger issues.  She went on to share that she needed her weekly sessions to get some relief from all the emotional struggles that go on during the week.  This type of counseling is called supportive counseling which certainly has its place in the field.  In my graduate studies, I can certainly attest to the fact that I used to do this type of work in dealing with my test cases to begin my training in listening or counseling skills.  With this person who shared her experience though, the weekly sessions have become a psychological crutch, just like taking a break from her cares for at least an hour a week. *

Counseling work is more than just being supportive.  The goal is more about having clients learn, as experientially as possible, skills that can be brought to their everyday lives.  The counseling room becomes the lab where these skills are introduced and tested.           

I don’t really mean to be simplistic here but I thought the title can help us focus on knowing what goes on inside the work I do and its ultimate goals.  If we come up with something that would make it simpler and more understandable, then we would have done a better job in assisting people in appreciating what all these working sessions are for.  

If you wish to change the way things are in your relationship with your partner, then you need to try different things.  In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy linggo, we call that expanding behavioral repertoire.  It is also referred to as flexibility skills.  If you start a conversation with your spouse with a criticism or a “You” statement every time, you are more than likely to get defensiveness in return.  And so on and on you go with the circular arguments that often lead you to ultimately just avoid each other or get into a massive shouting match.  

Unfortunately, we are the creatures who think that we can do the same things over and over again and come up with the results we want, even if the evidence clearly shows the contrary.  We like to follow rules and rule-following becomes the dominant reinforcer of our behaviors, and not the actual contingencies that show up.  We can see this if we break down the process of how people get hooked to the slot machine or some form of gambling addiction.  Although it is true that there is a one in a billion chance that you might hit pay dirt, the addicted person is not aware of the consequences happening as they continue this obsessive behavior.

Taken in these terms, we in this helping profession are after you getting out of your comfort zones.  Comfort zones are places where we want to end up that give us the short term feel-good moments.  Being able to analyze your spouse and find out what’s wrong with them, can give you that sense of accomplishment that you know something they don’t.  Getting that high in front of a slot machine when you win a small pot can be intensely rewarding at the moment.  However, the long term consequences eventually show up.  You no longer become the spouse you want to be.  The more you criticize your partner, the more they snap back.  Slowly eating away at the relationship you once thought will go smoothly through the years.  The more you gamble, the more you end up piling up debts and spending countless hours unable to do anything else that could have otherwise been spent more productively and meaningfully. 

I’d like to borrow a phrase from a book to help you, my readers, understand how counseling works.  The work is about being comfortable with the uncomfortable.  Maybe it’s time you tried another approach to your spouse, even if it feels embarrassing or extremely “so not you.”  Maybe you need to sit with those urges to gamble and find out what really is behind the pull towards the addiction so that you can find alternatives to spend all that energy on.  To paraphrase a well-known ACT therapist, Kirk Strosahl, maybe there’s something more important here than what you feel. 

If you are like the person I discussed in the first paragraph of this post, then be wary.  That’s because the counseling work is making you feel comfortable!  If you start to do things that are uncomfortable with the help of your counselor, then you might be on the road to being comfortable with being uncomfortable.  That’s also when you know that your work with your counselor is worth all that time and energy.  Maybe you’re on to trying something different that moves you towards what I regularly use in my discussions with my clients: being the person you want to be, and living the life you want to live.

*The example here is an amalgam of different cases that do not refer to any person in reality.