Tag: Marriage Counseling

Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis

by Nathan Chua

I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand.  When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others.  For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line.  These situations don’t usually end up well.  Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.  

Now don’t get me wrong.  Tunnel vision is not always harmful.  There are plenty of times when you and I need it.  If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation.  In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child.  If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive. 

The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest.  A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures.  We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment.  Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.  

On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine.  That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans.  To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.

So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs.  In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem. 

  • Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you.  Is it a heaviness in the chest?  Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders?  Tightness in your head?  Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes.  Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense. 
  • Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this?  Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion. 
  • Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem.  See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts. 
  • Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future?  Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?  
  • See if you can find out why this is so painful for you.  Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear.  Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness.  Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice.  What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?   
  • If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero?  How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?   
  • Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours?  Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these? 
  • If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way?  Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
  • If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them?  What would you suggest they do?
  • You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have.  Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no?  Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person.  Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
  • If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life?  Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.

That’s all for now folks.  Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.

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How humor can save your relationship

by Nathan Chua

We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews.  In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences.  These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.

To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples.  A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts.  One might be slower than the other.  Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others.  This may or may not change in your partner.  They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot.  The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences.  It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with. 

Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences.  Let’s use the example we just used about waiting.  If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them.  See if you can understand what’s behind it.  Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious.  Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship.  You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions.  As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met?  Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other.  Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword.  The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside. 

The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article.  Humor!  First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise.  In other words, have some foresight.  Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly.  A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late.  I promise to keep it at four seconds next time.  I know four is okay, but five is a bit much.  My bad!”  Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone.  I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing.  Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!

If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions.  You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about.  Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits?  Why?  Because that’s what life and relationships are all about.  It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.     

Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week.  It will not drastically change who you are as individuals.  Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners.  They would cry and laugh throughout the wake.  Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided.  It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course. 

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Divorced? Separated? What can you do?

by Nathan Chua

It took quite a while, but after listening to a podcast interview between Steven Hayes and a couple of divorced individuals, I realized that there is a significant part of the population that I might have missed writing about in a while.  I mean we even have local laws that give this segment of our population the same perks as the elderly and differently-abled.  Like them, I have also had my share of failed relationships to say the least!  How could I?

One of the main problems that people in this segment find themselves in is the walls that they can build around them.  Borrowing from an illustration that Dr. Hayes used to describe what these walls signify in our language, it is like asking these clients who have chosen this path after a painful end to a relationship to fill in the blank in this statement, “I will never be that _________ again.”  The words that came out of your head tell you what these walls were meant to protect.  In the interview Dr. Hayes and the interviewers came up with the following:  trusting, innocent, and vulnerable.

Now don’t get me wrong though, there is a place to be mindful of red flags in a potential relationship.  But for many who become closed off to relationships and the risks of having one again, they usually end up lonely.  They substitute the pain of presence with the pain of absence.

Here’s my version of a little metaphor that Dr. Darin Cairns used in one of his demonstration counseling sessions.  If you were playing a therapist to a client named Joe, who decided after being dumped by the love of his life, to remain closed off from any future dates with other women, ask yourself a few questions about him.  Do you think that Joe would become safer and less vulnerable to getting hurt?  Of course.  In the long term though, if he remains unwilling to go out and date someone, do you think he’d be happier?  Would he be more or less lonely using this way of coping in the long run?  You’d probably say no to both.  

Recovering from a lost relationship takes a bit of a balance.  You and I still have that part of us that’s willing to go out there and try something different.  It is something we share with other animals.  We learn by trial and error.  We have a bonus though, we also have minds that can direct us to what really matters to us in the long run.  If we learn to open up to the pain of our past, we also learn that we care about relationships, or what it is that’s important to us.  If you sense the same negative feelings you have had with that abusive partner, then it’s probably time to say no to another one.  The problem happens when you and I close off to those painful memories of the past, then we are liable to become victims of the same problems in the future because we don’t learn from them.  We just run away from them.  

We might also cling on to the belief that somehow our relationship will change the person in front of us.  Our problem-solving minds really try to do us the service of staying away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings and clinging on to the pleasant ones, so much so that we are left unaware of the possibility that we are falling into the same traps in the past.  Yes, it may feel good to see how you changed the individual in front of you, but do wait for a while and see if it lasts.  As Dr. Russ Harris mentioned in one of his training modules, there is a difference between blind and mindful trust.

To summarize, if there was a rule that I can recommend you do in your future as a single individual looking for companionship or deciding to choose a life as a single, then it is this.  Be mindful.  Be mindful of what you see in front of you, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and be mindful of your dreams and aspirations.  Maybe then you’d come to see that whether you remain single or find that relationship that you’ve been looking for, you still have a full life in front of you that’s vital and challenging at the same time.    

You can regain that vulnerability and innocence all over again, but also be wiser and more mindful at the same time.       

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Vulnerability: The Price of Admission to a Loving Relationship

by Nathan Chua

If you are one of my readers who is married, let me ask you this question, “Was there some little, small part of you that wondered if marrying this person, a right decision?”  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.  There’s a funny anecdote about what comes to the mind of a bride as she walks down the aisle to wed her fiance.  It’s a play with homonyms, “Aisle, altar, hymn,” turns into, “I’ll alter him!” 

If you are one of my readers who was making a big decision of buying a car or a home, was there a little, small part of you that questioned such a decision?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

If you are one of my readers who is deciding on whether to start a career or go back to school for higher levels of education, is there a little, small part of you that questioned such a choice?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

As you can see, all of us have one thing in common, that judging, comparing, and problem-solving part of us that is located in between our ears.  In some cases, it’s basically telling us that all choices have to be easy and that we can always hold on to both sides of a decision without sacrificing the other.  

As we get near Valentine’s day, I want you to start noticing what your mind tells you is not working in your relationship.  Are you starting to feel like the moments when you’re feeling resentful in your relationship are increasing while the pleasant ones are coming fewer and farther between?  If so, the next step is to notice what you do when these resentments take over your behavior.  Do you become aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive when these resentments show up?  Are you starting to see your partner as a problem to solve?  As someone who needs some psychological fix?  As someone who is incapable of doing certain things that you like?  On those occasions, what do you notice happens to your interaction with your partner?  Are your ways of interacting or communicating helping you get into a more intimate relationship, or is it making your relationship more distant and problematic?

Secondly, remember that that problem-solving part of your mind is there for a good reason.  It wants to protect you from harm and help you get through challenges to your personal comfort.  The least it wants to happen is to keep you in a vulnerable state.  When it’s time to check your finances because you seem to be losing part of your savings, your problem-solving mind will tell you that you need to find out what’s wrong and what’s making your finances vulnerable to the changing conditions in your work or career.  If you are being attacked by a dog, your problem-solving mind will help you get out of that vulnerable situation and into safety.  If your partner is physically abusive and verbally threatening, then your problem-solving mind can help you find ways to escape such vulnerable situations or find help from the authorities. 

When it is our inner experiences that are involved though, our minds still treat our thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations as external threats.  It’s part of the work that is done in therapy where people learn to recognize what is a mental or inner threat and what is an actual physical threat.  We can escape, fight, or surrender to a physical threat to stop the pain, but we cannot do the same to our inner experiences in order for them to go away, at least without severe consequences to our own vitality.  To paraphrase an expert, “Where are you gonna go where your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions don’t go?”  

Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, a parent, or some other loved one, the key to a connected and loving relationship is opening up to your more vulnerable feelings.  For those of you who are married, remember that your vows meant that you are opening yourself up to vulnerability.  No matter how perfect your partner may seem, he or she may suffer a debilitating disease or die anytime.  You are taking that step towards the risk of experiencing emotional pain, because love and vulnerability come in a package.  Vulnerability means you open up to the pain of possible loss, rejection, mistakes, and many others that come with what is called that state of being human by both you and your loved ones.   

Let me end with this quote from Ross White:

“Vulnerability is the price of admission for a vital and meaningful life.  If we are to be true to what is important to us, we will inevitably expose ourselves to some risk,” Ross White

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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How to start Marriage/Relationship Number 2

by Nathan Chua

New year, new dear?  Yes, you can, as a couple, start your relationship all over again!  You might be wondering how in the world can I, as a counselor, help you change your partner?  Oh he’s been like that for a good part of two decades now!  What gives me the audacity to claim I can change your partner?  Well, there is a way my friends!  And the wonderful thing about it, is it’s up to you, not your partner.  Let me tell you how to curtail your long wait. 

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but paradoxically, the best way to change your partner is to accept him!  Of course I’d be lying if I told you that this was guaranteed.  But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried many, many ways to change your partner, and they all haven’t worked.  In fact, the more you try to change your partner, the more rigid he becomes.  Most of the time, you find yourselves stuck in a verbal skirmish that could put to shame some lawyers you know, in terms of the tenacity and adroit argumentation that both you and your partner display.  

Let me explain what I mean with an example.  If let’s say your partner is not as neat and tidy as you are.  You are now exhausted with all the cleaning up to do and the reminders you have to make to help your partner remember to do her side of the bargain.  You then come to therapy and learn that these things are better off accepted and can take a long time to change, especially with the way you have been heretofore dealing with the problem.  Based on this new understanding or awareness that what you have been doing is part of what keeps you stuck, you start laying off on the reminders and become more accepting of the fact that your partner will be hard-pressed to turn into the neat and tidy person that you want.  There is a likelihood that your partner will notice the change in your attitude.  You no longer holler and complain as much as you used to.  She may notice that and begin to see how hard it is for you to be left alone taking care of house chores.  Pretty soon you see her performing some of the chores to please you, precisely because you have accepted her with these differences she brings into the relationship.

Another tip is also to be more noticing of your partner’s efforts to change.  If you notice that she has started doing some unexpected cleaning, be mindful enough to show her your appreciation.  Give her a smile or a hug or say some encouraging words of appreciation.  You’d know more than I do what makes your partner happy.  Show her that you’re not missing the forest for the tree…maybe for the first time in a long long while.

Now, do you notice also that in both of these pieces of advice that I just enumerated, who is in control?  Is it your partner or you?  It is you.  You have control over your actions of whether to accept your partner’s differences in the way she keeps her place tidy.  You also have control over your behaviors that involve encouraging her by your appreciation.    

So creating marriage number two is not about changing your partner, it’s more about changing you!  And the most accessible parts of you that can be changed, are those that involve your choices to act.  You may feel frustrated and uncomfortable, but in the end you have the option to keep whining and complaining and criticizing your partner, or start the process by coming to accept that certain things are hard to change.    

As a summary of what you can keep in mind to help you change the way you have been approaching your relationship or marital concerns, here are some immortal words from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve problems with the same thinking that we used to create them.”   

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After Infidelity

by Nathan Chua

What now?  Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs.  Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering.  At times, there might even be physical altercations.  No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.  

Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on.  In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship.  This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner.  There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair.  I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.     

For the offended party:

Tip 1:  You will very likely have flashbacks.  Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present.  Suspicions show up regularly.  On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed.  Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt.  In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms.  The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication.  They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication.  Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories. 

Tip 2:  Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression.  The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation.  Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks.  This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.  

Tip 3:  Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred.  Think about what you want to stand for at this moment.  Ask yourself,  “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these?  If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”       

For the Offending Party:

Tip 1:  Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say.  Your partner is not doing this on purpose.  It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner.  Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion.  Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.  

Tip 2:  Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments.  Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying.  It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.  

Tip 3:  The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring.  Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal.  However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.  

Is it time to leave?

My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together.  Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship.  Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both.  The betrayed partner is never to be blamed.  At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.

Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal.  For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted.  Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other.  The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.  

In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here:  When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.      

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The Surefire Way to Save Your Relationship!

by Nathan Chua

More often than not, couples come to counseling explaining their respective sides of the mess that has become of their relationship.  Each of them has turned into a lawyer for their respective cases to prosecute and defend.  For the trained eye though, they are engaging in a pattern of attack and defend.  They’ve come to therapy to find an advocate or the ultimate authority in the person of the counselor.  It is the therapist or counselor who will make the final determination of who is right and who is wrong.  In some cases, they see the therapist as the final arbiter who can determine the fate of their relationship. 

For those who are hoping to find some ways of resolving their differences, they face the dilemma of still loving and caring for their partner, but at the same time, can’t wrap their heads around why they end up fighting like mortal enemies over some trivial matters.  It’s like their partner turns into something else other than the person they fell in love with.  This while each shows glimpses of that lovable side in more sober moments.

Couples find themselves dealing with two dilemmas.  These twin dilemmas are what I described in the first paragraph of this blogpost.  The dilemma about who’s right and who’s wrong (i.e. who should back down and submit to the authority of the counselor), and the dilemma of whether the relationship is worth saving or not.

Fortunately, there is a surefire way to save your relationship.  I believe that no matter what you end up doing as a couple, a successful handling of your dilemma means that you retain a relationship with your partner regardless of whether it remains together or not.  With this silver bullet to all relationships, a couple may end up having a better way of handling their conflicts, or discover that they might be better off as separate individuals who can still learn to be friends after.  

The best way to find out what the ultimate fate of the relationship will be, is to change the only thing that each partner has the most control over:  Themselves!  In other words, if you change yourself for the better, you are more likely to enjoy a couple of possible results.  You either end up having a better relationship because your partner notices your positive changes, or you realize that no matter how much you change, your partner doesn’t.  

Let’s take the first possible result.  If your partner senses the positive changes you have made, there is a greater likelihood that they will change too.  For example, when, after years of trying, you decide not to badger your partner about how messy the room is.  Your partner may notice that sudden but welcome change.  Having felt relieved of the constant reminders, your partner may in turn show you their appreciation by, well, cleaning up the room!

Changing yourself can also solve the dilemma of whether you should stay in the relationship or otherwise.  If you have done your part to make changes in yourself and see a lack of response in your partner, then maybe it’s time to come to the realization that you no longer share the same ideas about who or what is important to both of your lives at this moment.  By getting yourself out of the attack and defend pattern, you will know that your partner’s unresponsiveness is not rooted in the way you handle conflict, but a difference in your life directions.

To end this post, just remember that when all things seem hopeless, you still have yourself to count on for change.  

“Be the change you want to see in the world,” Mahatma Gandhi.

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Why some good advice may be bad for your relationship

by Nathan Chua

These words of wisdom can range from the general to the specific.  How often have you and I heard some talk show hosts and even some clergy, tell us what to do in our relationships, only to find out that these seem to backfire or only give short term results but eventually fail us when we most need them in our most distressing moments.

Here are some examples that hopefully covers the general and the specific advice: 

  • Love your spouse.
  • Do something to satisfy your partner’s love language everyday.
  • Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
  • Don’t be stingy with your apologies.  Apologize as soon as you can whenever conflict ensues.

If these types of advice did work for the majority of us, then we would see a lot less marital discords and separations in our midst.  Last I heard, the “divorce” rate in our country doesn’t veer away much from the averages in more economically-developed countries.  Last I heard also, the divorce rates among therapists are even higher than the average in a developed country like the United States.

For example, let’s use the advice that one should immediately seek reconciliation with a partner to avoid drifting apart.  One way to do that is to make an apology as soon as the conflict starts.  This could end up with the couple not just fighting about what they fought about, but also fighting about how the apology was done!  Double whammy!  And then the couple goes off on a tangent with even more issues about the past or future worries about how the relationship will unfold. 

Context Matters:

The types of advice we hear from talk shows and read about online are well-meant.  I mean who could argue that you should make an apology or that you should address your partner’s love language.  The reason this doesn’t qualify as the silver bullet for change in your relationship, is that we are all different based on our own histories, and also that not all situations are the same.  

Going back to the earlier mentioned example, a highly conflict-avoidant partner may use quick apologies to appease situations.  The offended party though has a history of ranting and in his or her view, being hit immediately by an apology doesn’t offer a chance to release some of that inner tension or start any kind of meaningful talk.  

So for instance, they fight about one not being responsible enough to take out the garbage,  Partner A is angry because this has become a constant irritant between them while Partner B uses his quick apology once again to keep the peace.  A now becomes more annoyed because this was not the first time B has used his apology to avert a discussion.  For A, this does not allow for them to have a constructive conversation or a moment when they are both open to arriving at a compromise.  And there they go!  A gets into a fit that B does this, and B retorts that A should be more receptive to his or her apologies.  So the fight goes from a simple household chore, to their differences in the way they handle conflict.  Sound familiar?

As you can see from this example, no advice however sensical they may sound, will be done in a vacuum.  In other words, the solution becomes the problem so that the original problem remains while they fight about the solution that didn’t work because one did not live up to the expectation that the solution is supposed to provide!

So next time be mindful of the advice that you hear in popular media and psychology.  Understand that your partner and you are unique and your situations, likewise.  Try other ways to address these situations that have remained a concern for you for many months or years.  Be aware of these situations as you see them coming.  Look back and see how the situation unfolded, and understand why your relationship is vulnerable to such conflicts.  In other words, be mindful of the context before you apply the advice.    

Finally, remember that you love this person for so many reasons that make your life so much more meaningful.  One of your vows you made rings a bit like the idea that you accept this person for who he or she is.  As Christensen, Jacobson, and Doss have written, “Approach change in the context of acceptance [for] change is the brother of acceptance, but it is the younger brother.”

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Get to know the difference in our approach to counseling…in 30 minutes!

I am quite sure that many of you think that all of the counseling practices being offered in the Philippines are just the same.  Pretty much about common sense advice to deal with your difficulties in the secret life you and I have in our minds.  You probably hear a lot of these in talk shows and see them online in your Google searches.  

I must admit that from 2009 up to 2019, my practice varied only slightly from what was and is still widely available in the Philippines, that of a syndromal and symptom-reduction approach to therapy.  

Since 2019 though, I have come across an approach that I believe jumps out as the most scientifically sound that I have ever experienced applying in my own life, as well as those that I have helped in the past two years or so!

In my zeal and excitement to share this with you, I am now offering a 30-minute session that is packed with enough information for you to see how this relatively new approach in the field of counseling and psychology works so well, and why it is now the most researched method in the world for the last 20 years! 

What you will be shown is what Dr. Kevin Polk calls the Psychological Flexibility Point of View, which can neatly sum up this approach to therapy in just 30 minutes!

Feel free to reach out to us and book yourself a quick 30-minute appointment that we are confident will change your life’s direction!  Yes, that’s all we ask!  Thirty minutes and you are free to decide if you wish to continue your work with us or not.

You can be an individual, a couple, or a family. Just take 30 minutes of your time and see if this is something that will explain best why you and I struggle within our mental worlds!

Call or message me now at 0917 886 LIFE (5433)!  I’d be more than excited to share my newfound knowledge with you, so you can start your journey towards creating that best version of you that you’ve always wanted!