Tag: Marriage Counselor

Getting Married to be Happy?

by Nathan Chua

Of course we do, that’s all there is to expect in married life, right?  For those of us who have gotten married, I bet there’s plenty of thought of “living happily ever after,” especially in those moments when it was actually about to happen.  Pretty much up to the time leading up to the wedding, everything spelled h-a-p-p-y.  Pick any random year into a marriage, and we are likely to find about half of that on the brink of separation, because either one or both of the parties are bone-tired of having to suffer through the other’s insufferable ways.    

We often get caught up in these all or nothing moments in our minds, where we believe that within our unhappiness, we can never have happiness.  One or the other has to go.  But here’s a good example to prove that this may not be necessarily so.  Look back at those moments when you and your future spouse were just minutes away from exchanging vows.  If I may so boldly predict, I am quite sure you had moments when thoughts like, “Am I making the biggest mistake of my life here?” were right there coming from the back of your head in the middle of your own wedding ceremony!  He’s so clumsy he keeps stepping on my train!  She’s turned from angel to t-rex in months!  Further still, pick up any major decision you’ve made in your lifetime and tell me you never had thoughts about whether your choice was right or disastrously wrong, and I would be the first to congratulate you for being that rare master of your own mind.  

Part of what can help your marriage is if you understand how your mind works that makes being married such a disappointment.  We often get carried away with thoughts that we can’t have both positive and negative emotions at the same time inside us.  Well, think about your dog or pet.  How many times has your mind told you getting that dog is a big mistake and yet you still love him to death?  So with the dog it goes, “I love him and sometimes I think getting him was such a big mistake.”  There you go, both positive and negative emotions all in one situation.

Getting married to be happy is how our use of language tricks us into going to an extreme.  The reality is more like getting married is meant to find purpose and meaning in your union, and many times it won’t be, just happy.  Playing to win a championship game isn’t just about being happy, it is hard!  Raising kids is not bound to be happy all the time, in fact it is the most challenging task for even the most notable names in history who have done seemingly harder and more exceptional deeds outside of raising a child!  Why?  Because the fact that it is hard and not very easy makes it challenging and fulfilling at the same time.  The same is true with marriage.  Your partner can sometimes be lovable and be challenging to live with.  Learning how to accept this is something couples often have difficulty finding room for, because the mind suggests we can only have room for one.

Sometimes the best things in life are hard and painful, which is precisely what makes a life more purposeful and meaningful.  We humans love solving problems even when it’s not always fun to do, or not always the happy thing to do.  Come out of yourself and notice how your mind works; I bet you’ll see great wisdom.     

Why do we end up fighting over my requests for change?

by Nathan Chua

You will never be like our friend Joe.  He knows how to make Valentine’s day special for his wife.  I clean your closet for you and you never even try!  I need you to change or else I will never be happy in this relationship.  I have done so much for this relationship so why can’t you do the same for me?      

These are just some examples of how couples end up escalating their fights.  They end up not just fighting about the issue at hand, but also the way they fight about it.  In the following article I will be writing about a few common requests that couples make that usually backfire.  Here is a short list of some of these ineffective petitions for change that couples use:

Did you notice how sweet Joe is to his wife?  Why can’t you be more like that?  

The problem with this type of request is that it immediately makes your partner defensive.  Your partner, just like everyone else will then make comparisons to other people who are less thoughtful to their partners than him or herself.  We all have the ability to make both upward and downward comparisons.  Comparisons usually make way for even more comparisons that will defend your partner’s position and invalidate yours.

After all of the work I have done to keep this household clean, you can’t even pick up after yourself!  When will you learn not to dump the dirty dishes in the sink and leave them there for hours? 

The problem with this demand is that you turn your partner’s differences into defects.  It may not take you much to clean up, but it can take quite a bit of effort for your partner.  What may seem easy and logical for you, may not be as evident to your partner.  

There are quite a few more of these, but I will now turn to ways in which you can make your requests more likely to be granted.  Please note that I don’t claim certainty here.  But at least these types of requests will be less likely to compound the issues by turning your fights into fights about the way you fight.  You might be surprised at its simplicity.

Make simple requests for no other reasons but for the fact that such changes will make you happy!  Most, if not all of us, go into a pair-bonding relationship for the simple reason that we want to make our partners happy.  It gives us pleasure to know that we have done something that makes our partners smile.  

In some cases though, you may find it hard to talk about these requests for change without ending up in a major altercation.  In such instances, you might have to be a bit more creative.  Do something different in the way you make your requests, like handwriting an open letter or sending an email.

If all else fails, there are a few things that have less to do with how your partner is, but more to do with how you are in the relationship.  One is being able to accept the fact that in all relationships, there are bound to be inequalities.  Your partner will be unpleasantly surprised if you suddenly demand for something that was never there in the first place.  Secondly, come to terms with the fact that change is bound to happen in any relationship.  In fact, keeping things as they are will take more effort than accepting that change will happen over time.  To use a metaphor, keeping a car or house in its original state is much harder than accepting the fact that they will eventually break down in certain areas.

Finally, the only thing that I can guarantee will make changes in your relationship, is a change in yourself.  Do what your partner has been asking for.  Do it without asking anything in return.  Give your partner an incentive to do what you’ve been requesting for.  Be kinder, sweeter, and show your partner that you have come to accept many of the differences that he or she brings into the relationship.  

Attempts to change your partner by sheer force of command usually backfires.  You can only influence change not demand it to happen in order for it to happen.  If you change, there is a greater likelihood that your partner will notice how much you have come to accept him or her, and thus show changes too.  It’s just up to you to be more mindful of the changes you see in your partner and appreciate your partner’s efforts.  As humans we all harbor aspirations of becoming the best person we want to be, most especially in this one special relationship that is like no other.  Your partner is no exception.  

Are you alone this Valentine?

by Nathan Chua

I have a feeling you would say that this blog post may not be worth your time.  Why?  Because how many times have you read articles that tell you to weigh the pros and cons of being alone in this time made exclusively for couples.  Well, this article will either amuse you or disappoint you.  I am not here to talk about the usual good and bad of being single and alone on Valentine’s day.  That battle in your mind will go on until the day you lose consciousness (well, for good, knock on wood).  It will never end.  It’s sort of like an old marriage joke I heard once from a clergyman, “Marriage is like flies on a screen door.  Those who are out want in and those who are in want out!”

Well, that’s the mind for you!  Sorry to sound trite, but your mind will always convince you that the grass is greener on the other side.  It is a nonstop judgment machine!  

So here’s the deal with being alone this Valentine’s day.  You can either give up your search for a lover, or you can keep doing what you are doing now (rationalizing why you shouldn’t or why you should be extra picky, or why you should anyway), or you can give it a go!  I know your mind will start barking off reasons for you to not even try.  It’s going to be one out of a hundred chances that I get to meet someone interesting.  It will be exhausting!  Boring!  Painful!  I will just get rejected more times than I can bear.

You can either follow what your mind tells you to do or step back a little and say what is dating done in the service of?  Is there a part of you that wants to be loving and caring to that one special person?  If your answer is yes, notice the verbs I use here!  It is about being loving and caring.  It is not just about marrying the right person, or having a long term commitment.  What’s the difference?  The former is something you can do endlessly until the end of your last breath, while the latter are goals you make that tell you you’re partly on your way to be the former!  Get it?  

See if we focus on our goals, we set ourselves up for disappointment…whether we succeed or not.  Why so?  That doesn’t seem fair!  Let’s see how goals work in our lives.  Goals are mostly end points in a process of pursuing something we want out of our lives.  If you fail to meet those goals, then you end up disappointed.  If you succeed in achieving your goals, how long does the satisfaction last?  Have you ever noticed that any new goals you achieve are instantly followed by a lack of satisfaction and an urge to pursue even more goals?  (Ever wondered why some of the richest billionaires end up doing something else besides what they had been doing so well for decades?)  So whether you achieve goals or not, you end up disappointed or at least unsatisfied.  Remember your mind is a judgment machine!  

So think of dating as part of your magic carpet ride!  It will be scary at times for sure, but it will likely be worth it if you know what the activity done is in the service of.  Think of a child who plays games like hide and seek!  Isn’t that scary and anxiety-causing?  But we still played the game for the sake of a more fun childhood!  That was when we hardly knew the rules that our minds gave us!  You shouldn’t feel this or that, or think this or that!  At least that’s what the adults around us said!  So the secret is to see your moves from a child’s eyes.  This is going to be horrifying at times, but alive!  Just like a movie!  There will be challenging times, but that’s what makes a movie a movie worth watching, isn’t it?  

So get in touch with the child in you and enjoy the ride.  This is just part of your journey of being or becoming more like the loving you you’ve always wanted to be!  Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! (and that includes the lonely ones!)