Tag: Wedding Vows

by Nathan Chua

“…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…”

This is for all the June brides and grooms out there!

When we hear this vow at wedding ceremonies, some of us can’t help but sense the daunting task ahead for the couple.  However, what’s lost in these words involves one of the main reasons why couples don’t end up fulfilling these promises: context or changes in the couple’s contexts.  Many marriages end not in particularly distressing times.  I don’t have the data on this, but just by my experience in working with couples, the best of times do not shield a relationship from conflicts that may lead to separation or an unhappy co-existence.   

Some changes in context come in the form of challenges to their dreams of what constitutes a happy marriage, or the rules that they thought would be followed faithfully.   For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, all describe a context wherein couples commit to standing their ground and being with each other in the most trying times.  These are changes in context that are descriptive of major crises that heighten the solemnity of the event.  Perhaps few couples realize that the moments when there are no crises can also set their course.  Maybe an in-law is coming for an unwanted visit, a child is having trouble at school, a car breaks down and a daily routine drive is disrupted.  Mundane as they seem, couples who are different, will want to handle these situations differently.  Ergo, we hear one of the most perplexing yet tragic complaints from couples.  Their fights seem to come from nowhere.  Trivial matters become issues that make or break the relationship.     

We all operate differently depending on the context.  I know I write better when I am in a secluded, well-lit, and quiet place.  You may work better when you hear white noise from your favorite mini-component stereo system.  Can you imagine how a young couple sharing a small space has to deal with the potential conflict in the context of important deadlines?  In other words, there is a confluence of stressful events.  

Let’s take another example of a young professional who came to like a partner who was highly responsible and hardworking as they were dating.  The eventual boyfriend who she ends up marrying, was very prompt on their dates but could only devote one night a week for a date.  She liked that about him as her previous boyfriend was usually just hanging around her, sleeping on the couch and occasionally, shooting drugs.  In the dating context, this new guy was an oasis.  That context however, changes when they begin to chart their course as a married couple.  All of a sudden, that once a week date feels like a concession.  The boyfriend and now husband is not addicted to drugs but addicted to work!  It’s now the couch surfing boyfriend that’s the oasis.  Well, at least he was present most of the time.  Another example is a partner you married or committed to because he was very close and loving to his family.  I remember some sayings that mothers would usually advise their daughters that however their boyfriends treat their mothers, is the way they can expect to be treated as wives.  In fact, your boyfriend was so close to his mom and family, he wanted you to all live in one place.  You know where this is going. 

So here’s my tip for all of you June brides (or grooms) out there.  Be aware that any positive quality about anything, which includes your fiance (fiancee), has a flipside not a darkside.  Take social media for instance.  They have a flipside depending on usage.  Your partner’s most likable qualities have a flipside depending on where you are in your matrimonial odyssey together.  To put it simply, not all qualities are likable in all contexts. The trick is to be aware of this and see how you can handle your differences effectively.  Remember that wedding vow represents not just your contexts in crises situations, but also your everyday ones.  So be more conscious of your everyday wedding vows to avert self-inflicted crises.