One Life Only Blog – Page 7 – One Life Only Counseling Services

Coming to An Acceptance of Your Partner or Loved One

by Nathan Chua

One of the things that our minds are really good at doing is judging. Our minds have developed this highly useful skill for the ultimate survival of our species that has very few qualities which can protect it from external threats. We don’t have large sharp teeth or claws and are said to be a species that has the longest gestation period among all creatures.

You might be curious to know how judgment can play any part in our survival, let alone the survival of a whole species. Isn’t it that we use judgment more to describe the ways we behave towards others? We are not used to using the term in light of its impact on our evolutionary history. Let’s do this little exercise to see how. If our minds didn’t know how to judge between a threat and a non-threat, we would be like the fish that get caught twice or more times by a fishing hook. Our minds are there to create rules that keep us out of harm’s way. If you see a line attached to a bait, that’s not dinner being presented to you, but you becoming somebody else’s dinner. Don’t cross the street without looking side to side. Stay indoors when your experience tells you that this is the time of the year when the weather can be harsh. This rule-following ability is what sets us apart from other species and gives us an edge of tremendous effect on who dominates the planet.

Unfortunately, this talent is double-edged. It can be useful to judge between a lion and a puppy but not when we use it to judge our internal processes. If our minds weren’t able to tell that the moving thing in front of us is a hungry lion, we could be its next prey! The mind applies the same rule to our feelings and thoughts, because the mind does what it does. Our difficult thoughts and feelings that naturally come by because of the life situations we face, are equated as bad, as in hungry lion-bad!

Couples and families often come to a judgment of their loved ones. Unfortunately, such judgments often get in the way of the loving relationships each party wishes to develop. One way of stepping out of these judgments is to consider your differences as they are and not as defects. Here’s one way to be more aware of this. Imagine if you had a loved one (either a romantic partner or a family member) who has suffered from a childhood impairment, let’s say, he or she is half-blind or has an injury that makes it difficult for them to walk at a normal pace. Would you demand that he or she be able to walk and do stuff as fast as you do? Probably not! You would most likely make adjustments to accommodate your loved one’s condition.

Given this, you and I can be more conscious of what our minds say are defects and begin to view them as conditions or differences around which we have to work. We can recognize our tendencies to see our loved ones as defective and therefore more like problems to solve rather than human beings who have learned a different way to tie a shoelace so to speak.

Another way of putting this into a clearer perspective is to notice the difference between describing a movie and judging it. A descriptive statement would be to say that the movie is an hour and 40 minutes long. While an evaluative statement would be that the movie was too long or too boring. Why don’t you try this at home? You can then experiment with a loved one that you have long judged to be defective. Just like a narrator for Nat Geo, see if you can objectively describe how your partner or child or parent behaves and say to yourself, “This is someone special who I would much rather choose to love with all his or her different behaviors that I have come to accept in the service of a truly honest and loving person that I wish to be in this and every moment.” That, my friends, is the key, not to feeling good, but to living well in spite of what your mind says are judgments to be made. It is up to you to look at those judgments and say, I choose not to run away from or struggle with my difficult experiences in dealing with this important person in my life, and to accept them above all. Be my guest and see peace arrive in your life.

Abandoning the Disease Model

by Nathan Chua

It pains me to see a number of people who come to me and say that they have spent so much time and resources trying to cure their “mental illness” with a handful of medications, only to find out that after years of their hard work and dedication to the treatment, they have come full circle to the same old problem. Maybe it was instinct, but in all my years in this field, I have always had an affinity to talking through rather than medicating out of psychological issues. I never thought the idea that there was some germ or biological impairment involved in psychological struggles was tenable. Contextual behavioral science seems to bear my hunch out.

I must admit, some parts of my work in the past, especially the ones that dealt with developing insight, may have sounded like there was something broken or wrong with someone’s history or biology. I can vividly remember part of my training in grad school where the class had to figure out what diagnosis/diagnoses to give a client. It was tough! Why? Because the diagnostic manual, the simplified version for that matter, was about 600 pages long, and there were so many overlapping symptoms among the hundreds of diagnoses that I frankly was amazed at how the professor was able to come up with one or two! I thought that only a genius with a freakish memory can come up with an accurate diagnosis, let alone making a diagnosis that matches that of the professor’s.

As I have learned now from the philosophy behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), such a practice may not necessarily come up with the best results. Far be it for me to make an indictment on the whole diagnostic and classification system. There certainly is a place for such, but I guess the bottom line here is, finding out what works best for the client. In certain cases, such diagnoses can, for many clients, become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy or a crutch that is liable to be used in gaining the attention of others.

What attracted me to ACT is its pragmatism. If I was to join this field of work, I want it first of all to work for my own issues and struggles. Secondly, I want to see results that are meaningful and effective to my clients, which is precisely what pragmatism is after.

Moreover, seeing the world through ACT eyes means espousing not just the alleviation of human suffering but also the promotion of human prosperity. As Maslow had proposed with the coming of the humanistic approaches in psychology, humans have certain aspirations that no other creatures on this planet share with them…self-actualization.

My first nine years of work primarily was devoted to alleviating suffering, which is how the disease model “works.” Get rid of your difficult thoughts and feelings or learn to manage them, then all will be okay. One can just go back to the same tired old life that got them into therapy in the first place.

So why have I devoted my last two years of continuing education to ACT? Well it is a matter of asking myself if just managing my emotions was good enough to make me realize that I have lived a full and purposeful life. But life would be so much more fun and challenging if I went for not just managing my inner thought processes, but also being gungho to what for me means doing something out of my limited time on earth.

As of now, I think this is the best science we have for attending to our problems of living. The science has yet to determine that there is a certain biological cause to the effect of mental wellness. Otherwise, don’t you think that the world’s geniuses in the field would have come up with a drug that takes care of all of that?

Who knows? We might end up finding it in the future. But I go only as far as what the scientific evidence shows me to be useful in helping others better their lives, now! So I have chosen this route, until a better science proves this to be inadequate.

Why do people get hooked on gambling?

by Nathan Chua

It is quite often that people come to me to hear what my “expert” opinion is about their struggles or a significant other’s struggles. This usually has a judgmental quality to it, like whether what they are doing or intend to do, is considered good or bad. I am supposedly some shaman who has all the deeper insights into as many aspects of living as one could think of.

In functional contextualism (FC), the philosophy behind the science of contextual behaviorism however, no behavior whether overt or covert is judged as good or bad. This would no longer be consistent with the focus on process and would rather be a familiar mechanistic approach that has become the dominant approach in mental health care today as seen in the DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, that has turned up several editions that have become thicker and thicker through the years.

As a philosophy of science, FC deems that all behaviors as just behaviors. Please note that behaviors here cover not just visible actions, but internal processes as well, such as our thoughts and feelings. Thinking here is just another form of behaving, which in turn creates feelings. The focus in FC is whether these behaviors lead to workable outcomes and not whether they are determined to be individually dysfunctional or not. For example, I still remember in graduate school, there was considerable discourse about feelings like guilt or shame. Some argue that neither is good while some posit that guilt is good and shame is bad. In FC though, emotions are just emotions; behaviors, just behaviors. What matters is how these behaviors function which is seen in what we overtly or even covertly do with these internal processes. Do these internal processes get in the way of a vital and meaningful life?

Sorry for the long intro. Perhaps you are wondering what this has to do with the topic of gambling. This may be a bit jolting to some of you but since FC doesn’t really involve labels of dysfunction, there is nothing wrong with gambling as a behavior if it is done in certain contexts. You may play a card game for fun with your loved ones. A few tries at the slot machine for a few laughs with a visiting friend, does not make the act of gambling unworkable.

Gambling is a behavioral urge that people develop from past learning or socializing. Like anger, nobody ever got into trouble with urges. It’s what we do with such urges that gets us into trouble. Having these internal urges dictate what we do with our lives is what gets us stuck.

One way to get into what is behind such urges, is to start determining the reasons for these thoughts. Why is it that your mind suggests that you gamble? In my experience, asking these questions can bring us to a deeper yearning for something that is “good.” When I say “good” here, I mean it not in the sense of a moral judgment, but rather seeing them as motivated by prosocial reasons. If I dig into the why’s of this behavior from a client rigidly stuck in a pattern of addiction, he or she inevitably ends up with something that is life enhancing or enriching, and of course, prosocial.

Some of the reasons I get for a gambling habit are being able to help significant people in one’s circles, or becoming a positive influence on others through financial success, or finding a place to belong and feel special (in order to belong!). Unfortunately, all these entail some short term costs to achieve long term payoffs. Gambling has the appearance of achieving such prosocial goals but has it the other way around. It provides short term rewards of pleasant feelings of belonging, being recognized for winning, or for the appearance of financial success, but prove ineffective in the long term. As you might already have guessed, gambling inevitably leads to “bad” or unworkable longer term outcomes, like ending up in debt due to the need to recover previous losses.

Next time you find yourself doing stuff that is making your life miserable in the long run, remember to ask yourself or your mind, what prosocial or self-protective survival reasons are behind these urges. It might surprise you that the cause is to accomplish a yearning to belong, to find one’s life direction, or to experience competency through your achievements. The means might seem to alleviate human suffering and promote human prosperity, but they ultimately end up achieving the opposite. Look from inside your deeper sense of awareness; you’ll see it.

Getting Married to be Happy?

by Nathan Chua

Of course we do, that’s all there is to expect in married life, right? For those of us who have gotten married, I bet there’s plenty of thought of “living happily ever after,” especially in those moments when it was actually about to happen. Pretty much up to the time leading up to the wedding, everything spelled h-a-p-p-y. Pick any random year into a marriage, and we are likely to find about half of that on the brink of separation, because either one or both of the parties are bone-tired of having to suffer through the other’s insufferable ways.

We often get caught up in these all or nothing moments in our minds, where we believe that within our unhappiness, we can never have happiness. One or the other has to go. But here’s a good example to prove that this may not be necessarily so. Look back at those moments when you and your future spouse were just minutes away from exchanging vows. If I may so boldly predict, I am quite sure you had moments when thoughts like, “Am I making the biggest mistake of my life here?” were right there coming from the back of your head in the middle of your own wedding ceremony! He’s so clumsy he keeps stepping on my train! She’s turned from angel to t-rex in months! Further still, pick up any major decision you’ve made in your lifetime and tell me you never had thoughts about whether your choice was right or disastrously wrong, and I would be the first to congratulate you for being that rare master of your own mind.

Part of what can help your marriage is if you understand how your mind works that makes being married such a disappointment. We often get carried away with thoughts that we can’t have both positive and negative emotions at the same time inside us. Well, think about your dog or pet. How many times has your mind told you getting that dog is a big mistake and yet you still love him to death? So with the dog it goes, “I love him and sometimes I think getting him was such a big mistake.” There you go, both positive and negative emotions all in one situation.

Getting married to be happy is how our use of language tricks us into going to an extreme. The reality is more like getting married is meant to find purpose and meaning in your union, and many times it won’t be, just happy. Playing to win a championship game isn’t just about being happy, it is hard! Raising kids is not bound to be happy all the time, in fact it is the most challenging task for even the most notable names in history who have done seemingly harder and more exceptional deeds outside of raising a child! Why? Because the fact that it is hard and not very easy makes it challenging and fulfilling at the same time. The same is true with marriage. Your partner can sometimes be lovable and be challenging to live with. Learning how to accept this is something couples often have difficulty finding room for, because the mind suggests we can only have room for one.

Sometimes the best things in life are hard and painful, which is precisely what makes a life more purposeful and meaningful. We humans love solving problems even when it’s not always fun to do, or not always the happy thing to do. Come out of yourself and notice how your mind works; I bet you’ll see great wisdom.

Coping With Covid

by Nathan Chua

It is hard to imagine how all of us have suffered through this pandemic for so long. None of us, except for a few elite scientists, could have known that this would happen in our lifetime. This situation has probably sent you through a whole gamut of difficult thoughts and feelings. From struggles with anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, relationships, boredom, and more; they are all understandable in these times.

Some of us may be saying, look what Covid has done to me? I’ve become more irritable, less tolerant, depressed, anxious, angry, and many more. You are not alone. You share these thoughts and feelings with anyone who has had a brush with all that this pandemic has been inflicting on us for over a year now.

The key here is to know what is within or outside our control. With difficult situations come difficult thoughts and emotions, and sometimes it could be difficult relationships as well. Unfortunately, it is often that we find ourselves judging all of these as unwanted, unnecessary, and even harmful to us. We can’t be blamed for having these judgmental thoughts. In today’s “success equals feel good and happy” society, there is really nothing much that can explain why we feel miserable, except that there’s probably something wrong with us. We are defective in some ways compared to others. They all seem well put together and coping well in spite of everything.

You and I have minds that are quick to judge ourselves especially when times are rough. This is the hardware that we come with. The depression comes when we buy into the idea that we have something to do with the quality of our thoughts. We measure our sanity against the seemingly pristine and peaceful minds we see in TV ads, social media, and the gigantic, right on top of us, billboards. Eventually we discover how futile our attempts to suppress unwanted thoughts are, and begin to have a sense of powerlessness and of being ineffectual. We fight with the constant murmurs of our minds and get caught up in this struggle. Here’s the secret sauce, “Give it up!” It doesn’t matter how many pills or distracting activities we do, let’s come to an acceptance that our minds are simply wired that way. Next thing we do?

Commit to doing things that tally well with what we want to do with our limited time on this planet, and more so, with our short, precious moments with those who matter to us. Take these thoughts and feelings and bring them for the ride of our choosing. Come back to what truly matters to us with all the unwanted chatter! Be present with our kids even if our minds continue to remind us of that upcoming mortgage payment. Be kind and loving even as we feel frustrated with how people around the house are acting. Act calmly even if we aren’t feeling calm. We can do it if we are willing to do the hard work, because in the end, it only matters what we have done, not what thoughts and feelings we struggled with in our heads.

An Empowering Kind of Forgiveness

by Nathan Chua

As we live in a predominantly Christian country, forgiveness can take on a lot of meanings. You and I have heard numerous recommendations from well-meaning friends, relatives, clergy, and even mental health practitioners about the necessity of forgiveness in order for us to live richer, more purposeful lives. The edict to forgive at all times however, has the unintended consequence of pouring guilt on the victim for not being ready to forgive. Not only is it hard to forgive people who have caused us great harm through abuse, neglect, or abandonment, people around us make quick judgments on our choices.

Having received my education from Roman Catholic and protestant institutions, I have had my share of confusion and guilt over such matters. Does it mean I have to forgive everyone at all times? Am I going against my own values for not wanting to forgive? Is it inimical to my own peace of mind if I refuse to offer forgiveness? Is forgiveness about forgetting also? I know, cliche! However, they linger and perhaps for some, even haunting!

It was a long search, but I believe I have finally found something that corresponds to my personal experience with forgiveness. The ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) take on forgiveness stems from the etymology of the word, “forgive.” To forgive means to give ourselves what came before. Using this perspective, it is easy to see how we can liberate ourselves from our own resentments about past hurts. Playing the blame game for how our lives are, can be distressing and disempowering. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. We can be who we were before the harm was done even as we hold our offenders accountable.

There is more good news! I know many of you reading this have some interest in the subject because you have yet to forgive at least one person in your life. As yet, there is no science that indicates forgiving our offenders is beneficial to our psychological well-being. Forgiving someone who has deeply wronged us is not a precursor to living a meaningful and values-based life.

I hope this helps especially those who have suffered terribly in the hands of an abuser. It is liberating and it protects us from the victim-blaming culture that pervades. You are not alone.

Did you like you in your moments?

by Nathan Chua

Most people come to therapy with goals that have to do with being in control of their emotions and also hoping to get some assurance from an old and wise person that they are doing the “right” thing. Some of these goals are like, “I want to feel more confident.” “I want to get rid of this depression so I can do things that I have been wanting to do but can’t.” “I want to know if I am making the right decisions with regard to my relationships.” Unfortunately, all of these are not within our control and the more we try to do so, the more ineffectual and undesirable we feel about ourselves.

You are not alone. I had long thought that psychotherapy and counseling were about achieving the goals mentioned above. After all, who wouldn’t want to make all the right decisions all the time? Who wants to feel anxious and have the people around them see their trembling hands? Who wouldn’t want to feel happy once they figured all of these out? I am the problem that should be fixed! Who wouldn’t want to be the smiling faces you see in the billboard ads?

Unfortunately, that is a difficult if not impossible task. No one alive can control emotions, thoughts, and outcomes. Only the dead can shut out feelings and thoughts and inevitably get the same results…nothing. Moreover, unless you suffer a major head injury, your mind is going to work up those thoughts and feelings multiple times every day. No matter how hard we try we can’t control our thoughts and emotions; and we most certainly cannot control the results of our efforts.

Here’s a paraphrase of Darin Cairns’ words, a therapist from Australia working with a client who has resorted to avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings by not engaging with others. He said this as he made his client realize the futility of his control agenda.

“I am not gonna promise you this [moving towards relationships] is not gonna hurt. In fact, I am gonna promise you it will hurt. I have no intention of making you happy. I’d like to help you have a meaningful life so that you can have all the feelings you want, because I don’t know about you but that sounds like an awesome outcome, compared to just being happy. If you want to be happy all the time, first of all you can’t do it, but if you do achieve something like it, we call it mania and we’d lock you up.”

Not everything that makes our lives purposeful and meaningful is about pursuing happiness and avoiding difficult feelings. Additionally, if we only did the things that we knew would have guaranteed results, think about how many of the things you would love to do, just does not present such outcomes.

I loved playing basketball when I was younger and I still love it now as a fan. Playing the game is not all fun. In fact, there will be anxious moments, times when you don’t like what your teammates are doing, and boring practices. It’s a microcosm of life. We play the game of life knowing we will come across anxious moments in the pursuit of what we want. We won’t be smiling all the time, but it sure beats watching funny movies all day just to feel happy. Like it or not, we enjoy doing hard stuff, not just happy stuff!

Many times our thoughts and feelings get in the way of us pursuing the things that we know will make our lives more meaningful. That job you’ve always wanted, that business you’ve dreamed of starting for so long, that date you always wanted to have with this person you met at your local fellowship group, and many more, are some examples of what can be scary but ultimately life-giving. Like a basketball player, you don’t know if you’d one day become a champion or just win the neighborhood pick up game. You don’t know if that date will say yes or no. You don’t know if you will get the job or that the business will succeed. But can you take all that uncertainty and anxiety with you in pursuit of something that’s truly important to you?

So the question is, will you take whatever these feelings are and still pursue what you want? Are these hopes and dreams worth the anxious moments, the sweaty palms, and racing heart rates? Are you willing to feel everything that comes with going for your best hopes for your life? Are you going to play the game regardless of the possibility that you would lose?

I learned this from Darin Cairns. It is not really about what the other people think about what you did or how well you did in the pursuit of something important, but how much you liked yourself as you did them. Did you like you in those moments as you pursued being you? You’d probably be surprised, because you’ll see from hindsight, that the times when you were most proud of yourself, weren’t really the happiest times at all. In fact, they were the most difficult and trying of times; and you probably liked the way you went through them. You liked you in those moments…and that was all that mattered, regardless of what you felt and what results you might have or have not gotten!

The Chess Game In Our Heads

by Nathan Chua

One of the awesome features of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is the use of metaphors that makes counseling work more experiential and interesting. One that has recently become my favorite is how an ACT therapist, Chris McCurry, uses the chess metaphor so effectively. Here’s how I remember some of the ways he describes the chess game and how it is similar to the way our minds work.

Our minds have different thoughts with varying degrees of importance and likeability. Some are quite important while others are part of our mundane thoughts, like our plans to go grocery-shopping for the day. The important ones can refer to our sense of meaning and purpose, our thoughts about how we can face life’s tragic aspects, or our important relationships that require our attention. Now, as chess is a game of two sides of a battle, one side can represent our more positive thoughts while the other will be our negative ones. In McCurry’s illustration, he says that even if we feel like the positive side may have the upper hand at any given moment, there will always be at least one piece of the negative side that remains. We can attest to this fact simply by checking in with our personal experiences. How many times have we enjoyed a vacation and said we don’t have any single negative thought in mind? Probably not! If you are married, did you do so with nary a negative thought? On the other hand, how many times have you been caught up in negative thoughts and still have that little tiny voice inside you that says: You’re alright, don’t worry! As you can see, neither one can totally eliminate the other.

In Russ Harris’ version of the chess metaphor for the mind, he shares that each white piece actually generates a black piece and vice versa. Positive thoughts remind us of our negative ones! You can test this with your own experience. See what you sense if someone like me told you that you are the nicest kindest person on the planet! See what your mind does with that information. I can also start with a negative judgment. You are the worst most unlikeable person on the planet! See what you mind does with that too.

Did you sense that in the former your mind tells you: Hogwash! I am a kind person but certainly not all the time or not compared to everyone else? On the other hand, did your mind do the same opposite-thinking while hearing me tell you that you are the worst person on the living earth! Your mind may say something that goes like this: Yeah, you’re right, sometimes I do feel that way, but that can’t be right all the time!

As you can see in these illustrations that there are no winners in this game that we play in our minds. It is unwinnable as McCurry describes it. So it is hopeless trying to be the positive pieces in this war in our heads. The negative pieces just aren’t leaving for as long as we are alive and with our nervous systems functioning as they are as I write and as you read this post.

The question now is: Then who could we be in this chess game so that we can get out of this war and move on with our lives? The answer is the chessboard! We are the containers of these thoughts but we are not them! And being the containers, we don’t really need to care who wins or loses in this game. We can remain as witnesses to this war!

If you are able to write down your thoughts, then this is a practice in metacognition! Noticing your thoughts and noticing that you are noticing them! That’s a part of you that notices everything that goes on in your life! And with this capacity, we can then choose the particular course of action that is most effective for what is unfolding in front of us!

Furthermore, I love that Chris McCurry also uses the chess game to illustrate life and its tragic elements. As we play the game, we will eventually lose pieces as we go through it. The object of the game is to keep playing with the pieces you have left. This is a bigger metaphor actually of not just our minds but of life itself. If we live long enough, we will experience the bitter sweetness that life presents. As Steven Hayes, the developer of ACT writes in his best-selling book,

“You have only so much time on this earth, and you don’t know how much. The question “Are you going to live, knowing you will die?” is not fundamentally different than these questions: “Are you going to love, knowing you will be hurt?” Or, “Are you going to commit to living a valued life knowing you will sometimes not meet your commitments?” Or, “Will you reach for success knowing you will sometimes fail.” The potential for pain and the sense of vitality you gain from these experiences go together. If your life is truly going to be about something, it helps to look at it from the perspective of what you would want the path your life leaves behind to mean.”

Life gives us but one chance and it doesn’t come without moments when we have to say goodbye to our youth, old friends, and loved ones. Like the game of chess, let’s make the most of what we have at present and live our One Life Only as well as we can.

Why do we end up fighting over my requests for change?

by Nathan Chua

You will never be like our friend Joe. He knows how to make Valentine’s day special for his wife. I clean your closet for you and you never even try! I need you to change or else I will never be happy in this relationship. I have done so much for this relationship so why can’t you do the same for me?

These are just some examples of how couples end up escalating their fights. They end up not just fighting about the issue at hand, but also the way they fight about it. In the following article I will be writing about a few common requests that couples make that usually backfire. Here is a short list of some of these ineffective petitions for change that couples use:

Did you notice how sweet Joe is to his wife? Why can’t you be more like that?

The problem with this type of request is that it immediately makes your partner defensive. Your partner, just like everyone else will then make comparisons to other people who are less thoughtful to their partners than him or herself. We all have the ability to make both upward and downward comparisons. Comparisons usually make way for even more comparisons that will defend your partner’s position and invalidate yours.

After all of the work I have done to keep this household clean, you can’t even pick up after yourself! When will you learn not to dump the dirty dishes in the sink and leave them there for hours?

The problem with this demand is that you turn your partner’s differences into defects. It may not take you much to clean up, but it can take quite a bit of effort for your partner. What may seem easy and logical for you, may not be as evident to your partner.

There are quite a few more of these, but I will now turn to ways in which you can make your requests more likely to be granted. Please note that I don’t claim certainty here. But at least these types of requests will be less likely to compound the issues by turning your fights into fights about the way you fight. You might be surprised at its simplicity.

Make simple requests for no other reasons but for the fact that such changes will make you happy! Most, if not all of us, go into a pair-bonding relationship for the simple reason that we want to make our partners happy. It gives us pleasure to know that we have done something that makes our partners smile.

In some cases though, you may find it hard to talk about these requests for change without ending up in a major altercation. In such instances, you might have to be a bit more creative. Do something different in the way you make your requests, like handwriting an open letter or sending an email.

If all else fails, there are a few things that have less to do with how your partner is, but more to do with how you are in the relationship. One is being able to accept the fact that in all relationships, there are bound to be inequalities. Your partner will be unpleasantly surprised if you suddenly demand for something that was never there in the first place. Secondly, come to terms with the fact that change is bound to happen in any relationship. In fact, keeping things as they are will take more effort than accepting that change will happen over time. To use a metaphor, keeping a car or house in its original state is much harder than accepting the fact that they will eventually break down in certain areas.

Finally, the only thing that I can guarantee will make changes in your relationship, is a change in yourself. Do what your partner has been asking for. Do it without asking anything in return. Give your partner an incentive to do what you’ve been requesting for. Be kinder, sweeter, and show your partner that you have come to accept many of the differences that he or she brings into the relationship.

Attempts to change your partner by sheer force of command usually backfires. You can only influence change not demand it to happen in order for it to happen. If you change, there is a greater likelihood that your partner will notice how much you have come to accept him or her, and thus show changes too. It’s just up to you to be more mindful of the changes you see in your partner and appreciate your partner’s efforts. As humans we all harbor aspirations of becoming the best person we want to be, most especially in this one special relationship that is like no other. Your partner is no exception.

Are you alone this Valentine?

by Nathan Chua

I have a feeling you would say that this blog post may not be worth your time. Why? Because how many times have you read articles that tell you to weigh the pros and cons of being alone in this time made exclusively for couples. Well, this article will either amuse you or disappoint you. I am not here to talk about the usual good and bad of being single and alone on Valentine’s day. That battle in your mind will go on until the day you lose consciousness (well, for good, knock on wood). It will never end. It’s sort of like an old marriage joke I heard once from a clergyman, “Marriage is like flies on a screen door. Those who are out want in and those who are in want out!”

Well, that’s the mind for you! Sorry to sound trite, but your mind will always convince you that the grass is greener on the other side. It is a nonstop judgment machine!

So here’s the deal with being alone this Valentine’s day. You can either give up your search for a lover, or you can keep doing what you are doing now (rationalizing why you shouldn’t or why you should be extra picky, or why you should anyway), or you can give it a go! I know your mind will start barking off reasons for you to not even try. It’s going to be one out of a hundred chances that I get to meet someone interesting. It will be exhausting! Boring! Painful! I will just get rejected more times than I can bear.

You can either follow what your mind tells you to do or step back a little and say what is dating done in the service of? Is there a part of you that wants to be loving and caring to that one special person? If your answer is yes, notice the verbs I use here! It is about being loving and caring. It is not just about marrying the right person, or having a long term commitment. What’s the difference? The former is something you can do endlessly until the end of your last breath, while the latter are goals you make that tell you you’re partly on your way to be the former! Get it?

See if we focus on our goals, we set ourselves up for disappointment…whether we succeed or not. Why so? That doesn’t seem fair! Let’s see how goals work in our lives. Goals are mostly end points in a process of pursuing something we want out of our lives. If you fail to meet those goals, then you end up disappointed. If you succeed in achieving your goals, how long does the satisfaction last? Have you ever noticed that any new goals you achieve are instantly followed by a lack of satisfaction and an urge to pursue even more goals? (Ever wondered why some of the richest billionaires end up doing something else besides what they had been doing so well for decades?) So whether you achieve goals or not, you end up disappointed or at least unsatisfied. Remember your mind is a judgment machine!

So think of dating as part of your magic carpet ride! It will be scary at times for sure, but it will likely be worth it if you know what the activity done is in the service of. Think of a child who plays games like hide and seek! Isn’t that scary and anxiety-causing? But we still played the game for the sake of a more fun childhood! That was when we hardly knew the rules that our minds gave us! You shouldn’t feel this or that, or think this or that! At least that’s what the adults around us said! So the secret is to see your moves from a child’s eyes. This is going to be horrifying at times, but alive! Just like a movie! There will be challenging times, but that’s what makes a movie a movie worth watching, isn’t it?

So get in touch with the child in you and enjoy the ride. This is just part of your journey of being or becoming more like the loving you you’ve always wanted to be! Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! (and that includes the lonely ones!)