What can help you become the New You in the New Year?

by Nathan Chua

It’s that time of year again when many of us set out to become better people.  We all have this internal yearning to be the best versions of ourselves.  I often use the term our existential angst, a concern that we have not been living up to what we hoped to be.  What do we want to be?  A kinder friend?  A more responsible husband?  A more fun-loving person?  Much of the troubles we feel have much to do with thoughts surrounding the people we strive to be and what our current reality indicates.  

But what if this striving can start instead from a very simple skill that we can learn?  Maybe the question could be phrased as what is it that we could get better at, rather than what we could be.  Nothing is more demoralizing than realizing that even with all the work we try to do in becoming a better person, we fail.  Why is this so?  For one, our minds are very good at naming things we can or can’t do when faced with different circumstances.  It feels like there is an upper limit to what we can or cannot achieve.  It could be someone or something that could potentially stand in the way of such goals that keeps us from doing better.   

Here’s a very simple tip on what to be better at this coming year in order for you to take some steps towards your most coveted aspirations.  It’s so simple you might think it’s silly.  Be better at: noticing.  That’s it!  It’s your first step towards making the change you’ve always seemed unable to reach.  It could be hard at first but you and I can get better at it, if we practice.  

But you might ask, what is there to notice?  What should I notice?  Should I start noticing what shirt my workmate is wearing everyday?  Of course not.  Firstly, notice what you tend to do when something happens and then notice the results of what you do.  If what you do doesn’t help your relationship with your spouse then start noticing those that do.  If what you do doesn’t give you the hardworking, addiction-free child that you want, then start noticing those that do.  Notice what works and doesn’t work for you and your relationships.    

Then notice what goes on inside of you when these challenges come along.  Notice it just for what they are.  Then notice what your mind tells you they are.  Are there any judgments against those very feelings that make you and I, very human?  And notice also how long these feelings last.  Are they there permanently?  Or do they come and go as they please?       

Then notice what, in those moments, are most important to you.  Here is where maybe your list of becoming can come along handy.  Whatever our role in life is right now, we want to see ourselves becoming the best we can be in those roles.  You and I can be a spouse, partner, friend, sibling, parent, child, and so on.  In every situation that presents some kind of challenge to your emotional stability, go back to what you think will be representative of how you would have wanted to handle the situation.  Go back to noticing the probable consequences when you do what you do, then notice what it is that goes on inside your thoughts and feelings as you experience these challenges, and finally, notice what is important for you in the moment.  Then choose your best or better course of action from there.   

And why notice?  If you have gone through numerous self-help books or articles lately, I think that’s what the fuss about mindfulness is.  Yeah!  Simply put, mindfulness is really mostly about noticing!  So just start noticing more this new year.  And may I go just a step further.  Maybe that’s what you go to see a counselor for, to become more noticing or mindful.  Try and see for yourself and notice what wonders more noticing can do for you and the people you love.  Happy New Year everyone!

Making the Hard Life-Changing Decisions

by Nathan Chua

There are a few crossroads we face in life.  Who to commit to in a long term relationship or when is it time to quit one, what course to take in tertiary education, where to live, what school to send kids to.  These are all part of what life presents to us.  Many of us can get caught up in the rigmarole of decision making.  Many clients come to therapy hoping to get an expert opinion on which path to take.  It is quite the common sight that clients come to therapy with the idea that they can consult as many therapists as they can, and come up with a logical and sensible decision.  That search for a failsafe choice can be a red herring.  Many people, and that includes me, can get really stuck for a very long time in indecision.  

Clients may find themselves weighing pros and cons with an expert in therapy.  Unfortunately, this normally ends up with what is called counterpliance or the client making a decision that goes in the opposite direction of what solution was arrived at with the expert, basically demonstrating what our minds do.  You can experiment on this by remembering how many times you have thought about how successful a decision can be.  Pretty soon, you will notice your mind reminding you about the other extreme result, which is failure.  This is why, although tempting to me, I do my best to avoid dwelling on content when a client comes to me with this kind of dilemma.  If I wasn’t conscious, I can get carried away by the back and forth in therapy.  I avoid this because it isn’t something that the client is not able to do on their own before they come.  So any kind of move in this direction will probably be nothing new for the client.  

Fundamentally, our lives can flow into these situations wherein we have to choose one way or another.  In a wonderful demonstration of how an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) therapist would work with someone who is going through some difficult decisions, Dr. Steven Hayes shows how our minds can trick us into thinking that we can make a difficult decision and not be scared.  The thought that hard choices should not be scary can creep into this process and paralyze us into not making them to our own detriment.  

I often give my clients a perspective towards the past and the future with a question.  I would ask them if they are familiar with scenes where people are gathered for one of those momentous occasions in life that are supposed to be filled with joy and anticipation.  If these were indeed just full of positive feelings and happy thoughts, then why the heck do we see people crying in these instances?  Isn’t that strange?  Just to refresh your memory, have you been to a wedding, a graduation, a debut (an 18th birthday party)?  More often than not, you and I will see people tearing up with smiles interspersing in their faces.  Why is this?  My client will often sit with mouth agape, not finding the right word to explain such a phenomenon.  I would tell them that the body language is precisely a description of what is going on inside of them. It is a mix of feelings.  It is not just purely happiness that is going on internally.  There could be sadness, fear, anxiety, and many more.  In other words, these are the bitter sweet moments in life.  You know, the ones that are eventually etched in our memories as the most meaningful.  For in life, the best moments are not the fun moments, although they can be, but they are mostly also those that are hardest.

I can still recall some of the happiest moments I had that I spent with a friend.  Although there was nothing but fun and joy at the time, there was still something bitter about it.  It had to end.  Life is sometimes bitter sweet or has to be, bitter sweet.  Otherwise, we could be missing it.  Making hard decisions usually forms part of living richly and meaningfully.  Being brave is not about having no fear.  It is rather doing what matters to us even when there is.       

Finding Your Purpose: A Behavioral Perspective

by Nathan Chua

In a recent article about Tim Cook, the current CEO of Apple computers, he had this to say about an old saying: 

“There is a saying that if you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life,” Cook said during the speech at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans.

“At Apple, I learned that is a total crock,” Cook said to a laugh from the crowd.*

How many times have many of us stared at the horizon to ask ourselves what our existence is for?  There have been many cases in the counseling room wherein people ask me why they have these feelings of emptiness, a lack of purpose or direction in their lives.  Believe me, I still ask myself the same questions.  I am not exempt from life’s difficult puzzles. 

I am quite sure that most of you reading or listening or watching this have browsed through countless articles that try to answer this question of finding purpose.  In this space, I would like to share my take on how this might look like, from a behavioral perspective.  

Here’s my understanding of the subject at this point in my journey inside the world of contextual behavioral science.  We all do things for a reason.  When you pick up your toothbrush in the morning, that has a purpose.  Deciding to use your time to go to the grocery store whether by foot or by the use of a vehicle is also based on reasons.  There are three ways of explaining why we do what we do.  We either think of them as activities that we should, must, or can’t do, that we have to do, and that we want to do.  Now, let’s break each one of them down.  

Musts, Shoulds, Can’ts:

As humans who enjoy being at the top of the food chain, we occupy this spot in part because of our capacity to follow rules without having to experience something first hand.  We can just be told about a rule and not have to test it.  You can imagine how helpful this ability can be if we go back to ancient times when a rule to follow might be, “Don’t go near a lion because it can be dangerous.”   Rules like washing our hands before we eat or avoiding certain places that can pose a danger to our safety are helpful in keeping us safe and alive.

However, this rule following capacity can otherwise be detrimental when applied to threats we sense from the inside.  If we yell and scream at our child or partner, sometimes following that rule can work. 

We get what we want, like a period of less frustration from someone we live with.  The rule here is I shouldn’t be getting to this level of frustration with my child or partner.  Or, I can’t stand this feeling any longer, I must do something to stop it.  Unfortunately, this can have detrimental long term effects on your relationship with the very people that mean most to you especially when done in a harsh manner. 

This can also translate into other consequential decisions in life.  Shoulds like you should be pursuing a career in a field only because it is what others say you should do.

A good example of this is, “I must be a doctor because that is what my family wants for me,” which often leads to burnout and poor performance.

The other extreme is to follow a rule that may not be available for us to follow at the moment.  An example would be, I must be an artist regardless of the fact that I am currently without any opportunities to be one.  

Another form is when we follow rules like I must have a drink when I am stressed; I can’t sleep without a sleeping pill; or I can’t speak before a crowd until I am relaxed.

This type of rule-following can lead to unhelpful and at times unhealthy behaviors where we don’t make advances in what we are capable of achieving within the finite amount of time that we have in our existence.

Have to’s: 

These activities fall under what Tim Cook was probably referring to.  Although we would like an ideal of working in jobs that give us the most fulfillment, we nonetheless would likely end up with aspects of the work that we don’t necessarily enjoy.  This is where some of that idealism has to wear off. 

If you are one who insists on being in that dream job, but can’t find any opportunities to land one, maybe it is time to think about the have to’s.  In the meantime, and we don’t know how long that meantime will be, you might have to work other jobs and pursue your passions through other avenues.  There are people who end up doing what they love on the weekends in a different setting.  Anyway what we love to do we can do even without compensation.  You’ll never know, you might even find it in whatever current job you have that puts food on the table. In other words, there can be parts of your job that allow you to do what you love to do even if it’s less than your ideal.

Want to’s:

Here is where most of us would like to be.  Unfortunately, not even the jobs that fit our passions are purely fun.  If you wanted to play a sport for a living, there’s also the hard part of long hours of practice in a very lonely gym.  So congratulate yourself if you are able to land a job wherein you are fulfilling your want to’s.  

Want to’s can also involve what we do for rest and relaxation.  To go back to an earlier example, your musts, like I must drink to remove my stress, can be changed to, I drink when I choose to remove my stress.  This is where we see the same form of behavior functioning differently in different contexts.

Here’s a quote from Ray Owen, that I believe is a helpful guide for us to know if ingesting something to relax from heavy stress is helpful or not:

“Remembering, planning, daydreaming, imagining, and so on–matter greatly to me too and I wouldn’t give them up.  However, I’d say that they’re good things when they’re chosen,” Ray Owen

You can add having some time off of work or other commitments with a drink or two (or whatever activity it is that you do for recreation) because you choose or want to, and not because you must, is a way to see if you are doing something with your time that is helpful or unhelpful to your sense of purpose.  It is probably something that works for you if you choose to do it rather than something you must do in order to achieve something, like relieving stress. 

So next time you do something that’s like following a rule, notice the rule first, then notice why you’re doing it and see if it is something you feel like you:

  • must, should, or can’t do,
  • or something you have to do,
  • or something you want to do. 

Maybe you will find your place in the sun or what we most of the time call, your purpose for living.  Nice rule of thumb, isn’t it?

*Source: IFL Science

Going Inside Your Grieving

by Nathan Chua

If there is one facet of our internal lives that can be quite a puzzle to many, it could be grieving.  This is a part of life that can be difficult to understand.  It’s one of life’s mysteries.  Many faiths have come about in order to explain the reality of our own finitude.  In therapy, there are millions out there seeking help for this process that has so often been misunderstood.  Frequently, much of the struggles come from how the grieving process is supposed to happen.  Here are some examples of the puzzlement in question form:  There must be something wrong with me for not “grieving” the loss as much as others I know.  Why can’t I get rid of the guilt so easily just as everyone around me has been advising me to do?  Of course, there is also that most common difficulty of all, why can’t I seem to get over it as quickly as some of the people I know?  Will this pain last forever? 

Some of the misconceptions about grieving is that all of us have to go through a series of stages in order to qualify our process as “normal grief.”  As with many other areas in life, we tend to compare ourselves with the people we share moments with.  As a consequence of this inevitable mental process of comparing, it is understandable that we would feel guilt whether we go through the stages more or less quickly than others.  Or if we have reached complete acceptance or not, which is what most construe to be the final stage of grieving.  

Another misconception about grieving is that it involves just one feeling, which is what is expected, sadness.  Many can question themselves if they don’t feel as much sadness as expected.  Grieving involves multiple emotions and not just sadness.  Depending on your relationship with the person you had lost, you can feel anything from a longing for the departed one or a sense of relief that the person is no longer there.  And of course, everything in between.  It is not a sign of being abnormal for you to think that the loss provided some relief from the past abuses that a close member of the family had brought.  Feelings are not there for us to command.  You and I can’t just will ourselves to feel a certain way.  However our problem-solving, comfort-seeking, overeager and logical minds believe that to be true.  Our minds are very good tools for eliminating discomfort.  But our feelings are not an inconvenience or like mosquitoes that we can just kill off with a slap of our hands.  Our feelings tell us that we have lost someone we cared for very deeply, or on the other extreme, someone who might have caused much pain in our life,       

Another thing our minds do is comparing.  One thing that we fail to do when we focus on comparisons as we rush ourselves out of the process, or when we rant about the what if’s, is what I indicated in the title of this article.  In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we frequently help move people to look inside their pain just as we do for our own.  Within our pain, there could be a gift that we don’t see.  The gift of really loving and caring for another.  I often ask my grieving clients to shift their perspective by imagining someone who comes to them with a similar loss and says that the experience is of no consequence to them emotionally.  Would you be more or less worried about this person?    

And what do I mean about going inside our grief?  As I had indicated earlier in this piece, it is learning more about what is behind the pain.  This is part of our humanity.  The pain is part of what makes us deeply love and care while a person walks among us.  

Finally, there is probably something about the departed one that you treasure most.  Something that this loved one has taught you through their life,  Here’s one exercise you can do.  Write down all the wonderful things you experienced and learned from this person, and imagine this person sitting there beside you and you were reading this out loud to them.  What do you think this person would feel or say about what you just wrote or read for them?  And then ask yourself another important question.  Must this be that person’s legacy?  If your answer is yes, then what can you do to honor that?

And then look through what you have done in the past weeks, months or days, do these things that you do reflect a sense of honoring the life of this person who meant so much to you?  If not, then maybe it’s time to do something else that will.  You may end up doing something that involves either getting out of the pain, or carrying your pain with you while you live out a life worthy of your loved one’s legacy.  

When is it time to end a relationship or set an ultimatum?

by Nathan Chua

One of the toughest decisions to make in a relationship is when you think enough is enough.  I have seen quite a few clients agonizing over what to do with their partners.  Is this issue enough of a reason to remove oneself from the situation?  Am I doing what I think will be best for us or my family by ending it?  Is it just me who is being impatient?

Before I go on though, there are situations where giving up on a relationship may be called for.  For one, if you end up in a violent relationship where your life is in danger or your kids’ safety both physically and emotionally are at stake, leaving might be your best option.  You might also be in a situation where there is repetitive cheating that is emotionally untenable and also endangers your physical well-being.  When I say physical well-being, I am referring to chances of you becoming infected by a sexually transmissible disease.  Perhaps there is substance abuse involved that makes it impossible to have a meaningful connection with your partner.  Ending a relationship may even be more tenable if your partner is unwilling to seek therapy for violent behavior, cheating, substance abuse or a mental health concern.   

Another caveat before you continue with this post or vlog, every couple is unique.  You may have a situation where you are torn between giving up on the relationship or making an ultimatum.  I recommend that you bring this concern to therapy.  Maybe you will see the best option for you with the help of someone who can see your situation from an objective standpoint.       

Nonetheless, this is about making a last stand in your relationship.  If you believe there is something about it that you want to see a change in, here are a few tips on how to determine if your situation is worthy of an ultimatum:*

  1. You are determined to stick by what you decide when the ultimatum is not met.  If you are not able to stick with your ultimatum, it will likely not be taken seriously by your partner.    
  2. This is about one issue alone.  It does not involve a number of steps or changes that have to happen over time.  If your complaint behind your ultimatum is the way he handles household chores, then this may not be a place to make an ultimatum.  This is because it involves a habit that will require time and patience to change.  These will need moment to moment awareness on the part of your partner.  Examples of one issue decisions may involve physical or verbal abuse of you or any member of your family, infidelity, or addictions that have gotten in the way of your relationship. 
  3. The change you are after involves a short time frame.  This is an elaboration of the previous point.  Anything that may require an indeterminate amount of time, is likely not a condition for an ultimatum.    
  4. The partner giving the ultimatum is not pressured to decide.  It is not a game for the person making the ultimatum.  It is rather a difficult and painful process to experience.  You are not playing a game of chicken with your partner.  This pains you to make.  It is not a way for you to gain leverage in your relationship.
  5. The ultimatum will ultimately be for the benefit of the partners involved as well as the people around them.  It can start off a change for the betterment of the relationship or for each of the couple.  Examples of these would be deciding on getting married or not, having kids, getting therapy to address some of the more pressing concerns that could be a reason for ending the relationship as enumerated earlier.

Remember for as long as you have not left the relationship, you are already making a decision to stay.  In the meantime, you are left to your own devices to live out those moments.  If there is one great advice I can give you as you contemplate on whether you should leave or make a final stand, it would have to come from Viktor Frankl who wrote:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Ask yourself, when you look back to these moments when you made a decision to set an ultimatum, would you know that you’ve done what is consistent with your deepest parts?  If your answer is a yes, then go for it.    

*Source: Reconcilable Differences by Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson