Tag: Counseling Manila

Not Everyone is a Zelensky, Not Everyone Ends Up a Hero

by Nathan Chua

How many times have you and I been discouraged at the results of our hard work?  How many times have you and I loved but failed?  Have you ever taken care of a stray puppy and ended up seeing that puppy die in just a few months?  Have you ever done something that you thought would benefit your organization but end up unappreciated?

Welcome to the club my friend.  This is something that you share with countless others who have lived long enough to experience the pain of the human condition.  Oftentimes, we get disheartened by the results of our hard work and our standing up for what we believe is important.  This could be mostly because we often miss seeing the value behind the goals that we set for ourselves.  Goals are guideposts that tell us that we are heading in the direction we want for our lives.  Goals are benchmarks we either look forward to or look back on with much pride and sometimes with mixed feelings.  Goals are also not a sure thing.  They can be elusive or even unachievable in our lifetimes.

Our values on the other hand, are qualities of being that we aspire to be about.  It is inexhaustible.  It does not have an end point that we either look ahead to or look back on.  It can be the fuel that burns the fire for our daily existence that could otherwise be meaningless or pointless.       

As we live our values and pursue those goals, not all of us will end up getting the acknowledgement we want.  Not all end up on the cover of Time magazine like the president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky.  Even in such challenging places like the Ukraine, many soldiers in the Ukrainian army or even civilians, have bravely stayed to fight for their territorial rights, but unlike their president, many of them will die unknown.  At best, their names might be engraved in some memorial one day, but how many of us really take the time to get to know each one of these heroes.   

Ask yourself this question, regardless of the results of your small but heroic endeavors, whatever your lot in life, would you still do what it is that you just did?  If you were to dedicate most of your adult life to something you want to do, and no one would know, what would you choose to do?  Maybe you can relate to these stories:

  • A security guard earning what can hardly be called a living wage, returns a bag full of cash to an unsuspecting tourist;
  • A homeless person rushing in to save another pinned underneath a burning car;
  • A dedicated worker who contributes daily to their organization without much recognition or reward but a measly salary.  

So let’s get back to the questions that I started this article with.  Read them again and ask yourself, would you have still done it?  Would you have still worked hard to help the group of people who toil with you everyday in the office?  Would you still have loved that person the way you did?  Would you still have taken that stray puppy?  Would you still have done that for your company regardless of the results? 

If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then welcome to the club again my friend.  You are in the company of the nameless soldiers who died in war for the sake of something bigger than themselves.  You may not end up a Zelensky or on the headlines of a broadsheet, but you stood for something you wanted to be for that moment.  

If you ask me why we do it?  Blame it on Darwinian evolution.  There is a part of us that has never left us in millions of years of evolution.  We are the most social of all primates.  We have that gene, that social gene that tells us that we are capable of doing caring things even at the highest of costs, with little reasons for these deeds than just being the creatures that we are.  That’s the kind of programming we have, fortunately or unfortunately.  We can do really big things, for nothing more than love.    

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Successful But Unsatisfied

by Nathan Chua

Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless?  Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential?  Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do?  Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?

This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT.  The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms.  Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time.  Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:

  • You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
  • You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
  • You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.

If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.

Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:

  • “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?” ​
  • “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?” ​
  • “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”

If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed.  If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.  

Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you:  How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success?  Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child.  Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent.  Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security?  If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life.  It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.  

Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick.  When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction?  If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction.  Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup.  Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.  

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Noticing the “If Onlys” of Your Life

by Nathan Chua

This is the second part of a series of articles about rules that our minds give us that can lead us to ineffective behaviors.  In the ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy world, we don’t subscribe to the idea that a person is somehow damaged or broken.  We think this just leads people into their own prisons, seeing as if their limits are set in terms of what they can do about their inner experiences.  I have seen it so many times in therapy sessions, when people come armed with some diagnosis/diagnoses that a mental health practitioner just bestowed upon them.  What ACT advocates for is the notion that most of us end up in stuck patterns of relating to our inner world.  This is in contrast to the idea that we “have” something that we need to get rid of in order to live a rich and meaningful life.  One of these stuck patterns of thinking is the subject of discussion for this post.  These are the “if onlys” of life.  

Here are some examples that might help you see how this happens.  

  • If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, then I could be nicer to them.
  • If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could become the person I want to be.
  • If only I had chosen differently, life would be so much different today.
  • If only I didn’t have these urges, I would do things differently.

These are just some of what we call inapplicable rules that we follow.  They essentially make sense but when followed, they lead us into nothing because of their very nature.  They’re simply inapplicable.  

How then do these rules affect our behavior?  Before I get back to the examples above, I would like you to notice if you have any “if onlys” in your life.  Once you’re done, you can continue to read on.  

Here are potential ineffective actions that we end up doing if we get hooked by these if onlys:

  • If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, I would nag them less. 
  • If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could have started finding a job or creating a business.
  • If only I had chosen differently, I would not be stuck here in my room.
  • If only I didn’t have these urges, I’d be more focused on doing things that matter to my work or my partner.

As I go through more learning in ACT and Relational Frame Theory (RFT), I am beginning to see how important it is to let clients figure out the answers for themselves.  It is what makes the client therapist relationship so different from just coming to join a workshop or learning from an online workshop.  I don’t want this post to be just another set of rules for you to blindly follow.  I want you to come up with your own conclusions.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you start learning to notice such inapplicable rules taken verbatim from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte:

  • “If we just go with that thought, exactly what does it suggest you do right now?
  • Is this rule for you to follow, or is it one for others to follow?
  • What is the next step, then?”

If you find yourself answering with an I don’t know, or I guess I just have to wait for things to change to the first question, then it could get you to realize that this is an inapplicable rule that you might have been following to the detriment of pursuing the life you want.

If you answer that the rule is not for you to follow and just for someone else or no one to follow, then you may come to the realization that again, this is another inapplicable rule that has so far taken control of your actions.

If you find it hard to answer what would be your next step as you follow this rule, then you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change the results of the rule.

So as you notice these inapplicable rules, what then can you do even as your mind keeps reminding you of these rules?  In ACT, we don’t argue with them or try to get rid of them, but rather bring them along for the ride towards a more meaningful, purposeful life. 

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I don’t know what I want to do with my life!

by Nathan Chua

I often hear this said to me by clients who feel like they can’t figure out how they want to spend their limited time on this planet.  I can understand how difficult it is.  Having spent much of my earlier years in my career doing stuff that I didn’t really like, it took me a midlife crisis to realize I was going on the beaten path that others expected of me.  In my studies in ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I have learned the importance of the plumbing underneath the approach that I am using.  The plumbing I am referring to is Relational Frame Theory or RFT.  In RFT terms, doing what is socially acceptable is called pliance.  Many of us do what other people expect us to do in our lives.  I have first hand experience!

There are also ways that our minds can get in the way of us finding more effective approaches to how we spend our time.  These happen when we follow certain rules that eventually lead us to dead ends.  Sometimes these rules are inapplicable or inaccurate.  Sometimes some of these rules lead us to short term gains to the detriment of our longer term goals for life.  Some rules keep us from breaking a glass ceiling so to speak, where we get rewarded with choices that ultimately limit what we are capable of accomplishing. 

This will be a long piece if I discuss them all.  Hopefully, I will be able to come up with a series of posts that can go through each one.  Let’s start first with something that I am sure many of you have experienced.  It is quite often that we hear stories of people going into careers only to get the authority figures around them off their case.  I am quite sure you would get it if I gave a few examples. 

  • The college student who is taking a major only to keep their parents happy and worry-free about their own futures, at least financially.
  • The employee who feels that their job is not what they expected it to be.  Very little satisfaction is obtained after a few years and sadly, this could stretch into decades.

These are examples of pliance.  We all at times make choices that are meant to please others or to be socially acceptable.  It is not always wrong to do so, but if brought to an extreme, it can lead to questions about life’s meaning and purpose such as that question posed in the title of this article.

If you find yourself dissatisfied with life and want to know if you are on the right track, here are some helpful hypothetical questions to ask yourself as written by Drs. Steven Hayes, Matthieu Villatte(my friend and consultant), and Jennifer Villatte in the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention.”  If you were an unhappy student and feel like you are just out there performing for your parents, here are some good questions to ask yourself:  

  • If your parents would approve your choice of major no matter what it is, do you think your current major will still be your choice?
  • If no one knew that you were going to school, what course would you take?
  • If you were successful at doing what your parents expected you to do but could not tell them about it, what would you do?
  • If you turned into somebody other than yourself, what would you want to be doing?

If you have answers to these questions, then this could mean something in determining how you want to spend the rest of your life.

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Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen

Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy

I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.

Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ

Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:

Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC

Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E

How to bring a loved one to therapy

by Nathan Chua

In my recent interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, Ph.D. I got the opportunity to ask him a most-pressing question that many, many people ask me over the phone.  If you are like many out there who have a loved one that you so desperately want to bring to counseling, you know how difficult that could be.  Here’s what, in my words, Dr. Hayes wants to advise you:

Your loved one is not crazy:

One of the biggest hurdles to seeking help is the idea that one is being blamed for problems that come along with mental struggles.  One of the risks of well meaning encouragement to seek help is the thought that everyone in your circle blames you for the problem.  What you can say to your loved one is that they are not broken as we often hear it said in a lot of self-help articles.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that needs fixing.  We both have evolved this human mind that works pretty much the same way as everyone else’s.  You are no different from me or any of your loved ones.  It is “normal” to struggle with our minds.  

You also know deep inside you that you are struggling and that somehow you have not been living up to what you expect your life to be.

Someone on your side:

This is unlike other relationships that you have.  This is not another setting where you are being told about what you should or should not do.  Sometimes as you might have experienced, you get well meaning advice that tells you even what you should or should not feel.  

In recent years, I had the privilege of learning from Dr. Russ Harris in his workshop for teen counseling.  It was worth noting that if there was one thing that teens don’t like is another adult telling them what they should or should not do.  Your adolescent child or relative has most probably got enough of these types of advice that it has made them feel disempowered and self-blaming.

This should be farthest from their mind when you ask a loved one to come for therapy, most especially because it is often an elder in the family that wants it to happen.  On the contrary, you can emphasize that this will be done with someone who is paid to be your advocate, or someone who’s on your side willing to listen to things that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others.  

The foolproof way:

As Dr. Hayes said in my interview with him, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, there is still one way you can improve the situation that doesn’t involve you having to convince your loved one to come for help.  As you and I both know that the only thing you have full control over is what you do.  We can’t control what others do and as ACT therapists would say, not even what our minds do, but we can certainly control what we do in any given circumstance. 

It takes two to tango, to use another old saying.  Start with yourself.  Go get therapy and let your loved one know about it.  Show them that you use what you are selling them so to speak and you have personal experience doing it.  It only takes one small pebble to create ripples on the water.  A change in you through your hard work in therapy can be your best card in finally convincing your loved one to give this a try.  Why?  Because any change in you will mean a change in your relationship with your loved one.  Your behavior alone may convince them that this can work.  In fact, it may be that your own therapy will be all the therapy you need to change you and your loved one! 

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