Tag: Counseling

Noticing the “If Onlys” of Your Life

by Nathan Chua

This is the second part of a series of articles about rules that our minds give us that can lead us to ineffective behaviors.  In the ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy world, we don’t subscribe to the idea that a person is somehow damaged or broken.  We think this just leads people into their own prisons, seeing as if their limits are set in terms of what they can do about their inner experiences.  I have seen it so many times in therapy sessions, when people come armed with some diagnosis/diagnoses that a mental health practitioner just bestowed upon them.  What ACT advocates for is the notion that most of us end up in stuck patterns of relating to our inner world.  This is in contrast to the idea that we “have” something that we need to get rid of in order to live a rich and meaningful life.  One of these stuck patterns of thinking is the subject of discussion for this post.  These are the “if onlys” of life.  

Here are some examples that might help you see how this happens.  

  • If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, then I could be nicer to them.
  • If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could become the person I want to be.
  • If only I had chosen differently, life would be so much different today.
  • If only I didn’t have these urges, I would do things differently.

These are just some of what we call inapplicable rules that we follow.  They essentially make sense but when followed, they lead us into nothing because of their very nature.  They’re simply inapplicable.  

How then do these rules affect our behavior?  Before I get back to the examples above, I would like you to notice if you have any “if onlys” in your life.  Once you’re done, you can continue to read on.  

Here are potential ineffective actions that we end up doing if we get hooked by these if onlys:

  • If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, I would nag them less. 
  • If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could have started finding a job or creating a business.
  • If only I had chosen differently, I would not be stuck here in my room.
  • If only I didn’t have these urges, I’d be more focused on doing things that matter to my work or my partner.

As I go through more learning in ACT and Relational Frame Theory (RFT), I am beginning to see how important it is to let clients figure out the answers for themselves.  It is what makes the client therapist relationship so different from just coming to join a workshop or learning from an online workshop.  I don’t want this post to be just another set of rules for you to blindly follow.  I want you to come up with your own conclusions.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you start learning to notice such inapplicable rules taken verbatim from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte:

  • “If we just go with that thought, exactly what does it suggest you do right now?
  • Is this rule for you to follow, or is it one for others to follow?
  • What is the next step, then?”

If you find yourself answering with an I don’t know, or I guess I just have to wait for things to change to the first question, then it could get you to realize that this is an inapplicable rule that you might have been following to the detriment of pursuing the life you want.

If you answer that the rule is not for you to follow and just for someone else or no one to follow, then you may come to the realization that again, this is another inapplicable rule that has so far taken control of your actions.

If you find it hard to answer what would be your next step as you follow this rule, then you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change the results of the rule.

So as you notice these inapplicable rules, what then can you do even as your mind keeps reminding you of these rules?  In ACT, we don’t argue with them or try to get rid of them, but rather bring them along for the ride towards a more meaningful, purposeful life. 

Listen to this blog post on Spotify!  Click here!

Meet Our Second One Life Only Consultant for Couples and Family Counseling!

Dr. Blake Evans, One Life Only Consultant for Couples and Family Counseling

During a workshop with Dr. Steven Hayes, I badgered him about what approach to use for couples therapy that is consistent with functional contextual principles.  One of them he mentioned was new to me and I haven’t tried before.  The approach is called Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT)!  With the kind heart of Dr. Andrew Christensen, one of the co-developers of IBCT, I was allowed to attend one of his workshops online.  He eventually referred me to Dr. Blake Evans, one of his certified IBCT therapists, to help me with developing my skills in IBCT.

It has been a rich experience consulting with Dr. Evans and I find so much joy working with him.

Here’s a short bio of Dr. Evans, our One Life Only Consultant for Couples and Family Therapy:

Dr. Blake Evans is a Staff Psychologist at a satellite clinic of the St. Cloud VA HealthCare System in Alexandria, Minnesota.  He obtained his doctoral degree in clinical psychology at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater, Oklahoma, internship at the Battle Creek VA Medical Center in Battle Creek, Michigan, and post-doctoral fellowship at the Minneapolis VA Medical Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

He holds a collateral position as a national trainer/consultant for the VA Family Services Division OMHS-SP for Integrated Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) and was previously a trainer/consultant for Behavioral Family Therapy (BFT). 

His primary professional interests lie in the assessment and treatment of relationship difficulties as well as a variety of conditions including trauma-related disorders, affective and anxiety disorders, and personality disorders.  Dr. Evans’ interests also include training, consultation, and program design/improvement. 

His theoretical orientation is cognitive-behavioral, with an emphasis on contemporary behavioral approaches, including Integrated Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Motivational Interviewing (MI).

Thank you Blake!  I have had so much enlightenment in our discussions.  I count it a privilege to have you part of this One Life Only team!

Nathan

I don’t know what I want to do with my life!

by Nathan Chua

I often hear this said to me by clients who feel like they can’t figure out how they want to spend their limited time on this planet.  I can understand how difficult it is.  Having spent much of my earlier years in my career doing stuff that I didn’t really like, it took me a midlife crisis to realize I was going on the beaten path that others expected of me.  In my studies in ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I have learned the importance of the plumbing underneath the approach that I am using.  The plumbing I am referring to is Relational Frame Theory or RFT.  In RFT terms, doing what is socially acceptable is called pliance.  Many of us do what other people expect us to do in our lives.  I have first hand experience!

There are also ways that our minds can get in the way of us finding more effective approaches to how we spend our time.  These happen when we follow certain rules that eventually lead us to dead ends.  Sometimes these rules are inapplicable or inaccurate.  Sometimes some of these rules lead us to short term gains to the detriment of our longer term goals for life.  Some rules keep us from breaking a glass ceiling so to speak, where we get rewarded with choices that ultimately limit what we are capable of accomplishing. 

This will be a long piece if I discuss them all.  Hopefully, I will be able to come up with a series of posts that can go through each one.  Let’s start first with something that I am sure many of you have experienced.  It is quite often that we hear stories of people going into careers only to get the authority figures around them off their case.  I am quite sure you would get it if I gave a few examples. 

  • The college student who is taking a major only to keep their parents happy and worry-free about their own futures, at least financially.
  • The employee who feels that their job is not what they expected it to be.  Very little satisfaction is obtained after a few years and sadly, this could stretch into decades.

These are examples of pliance.  We all at times make choices that are meant to please others or to be socially acceptable.  It is not always wrong to do so, but if brought to an extreme, it can lead to questions about life’s meaning and purpose such as that question posed in the title of this article.

If you find yourself dissatisfied with life and want to know if you are on the right track, here are some helpful hypothetical questions to ask yourself as written by Drs. Steven Hayes, Matthieu Villatte(my friend and consultant), and Jennifer Villatte in the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention.”  If you were an unhappy student and feel like you are just out there performing for your parents, here are some good questions to ask yourself:  

  • If your parents would approve your choice of major no matter what it is, do you think your current major will still be your choice?
  • If no one knew that you were going to school, what course would you take?
  • If you were successful at doing what your parents expected you to do but could not tell them about it, what would you do?
  • If you turned into somebody other than yourself, what would you want to be doing?

If you have answers to these questions, then this could mean something in determining how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Listen to this blog post on Spotify! Click here!

Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen

Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy

I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.

Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ

Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:

Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC

Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E

How to bring a loved one to therapy

by Nathan Chua

In my recent interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, Ph.D. I got the opportunity to ask him a most-pressing question that many, many people ask me over the phone.  If you are like many out there who have a loved one that you so desperately want to bring to counseling, you know how difficult that could be.  Here’s what, in my words, Dr. Hayes wants to advise you:

Your loved one is not crazy:

One of the biggest hurdles to seeking help is the idea that one is being blamed for problems that come along with mental struggles.  One of the risks of well meaning encouragement to seek help is the thought that everyone in your circle blames you for the problem.  What you can say to your loved one is that they are not broken as we often hear it said in a lot of self-help articles.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that needs fixing.  We both have evolved this human mind that works pretty much the same way as everyone else’s.  You are no different from me or any of your loved ones.  It is “normal” to struggle with our minds.  

You also know deep inside you that you are struggling and that somehow you have not been living up to what you expect your life to be.

Someone on your side:

This is unlike other relationships that you have.  This is not another setting where you are being told about what you should or should not do.  Sometimes as you might have experienced, you get well meaning advice that tells you even what you should or should not feel.  

In recent years, I had the privilege of learning from Dr. Russ Harris in his workshop for teen counseling.  It was worth noting that if there was one thing that teens don’t like is another adult telling them what they should or should not do.  Your adolescent child or relative has most probably got enough of these types of advice that it has made them feel disempowered and self-blaming.

This should be farthest from their mind when you ask a loved one to come for therapy, most especially because it is often an elder in the family that wants it to happen.  On the contrary, you can emphasize that this will be done with someone who is paid to be your advocate, or someone who’s on your side willing to listen to things that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others.  

The foolproof way:

As Dr. Hayes said in my interview with him, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, there is still one way you can improve the situation that doesn’t involve you having to convince your loved one to come for help.  As you and I both know that the only thing you have full control over is what you do.  We can’t control what others do and as ACT therapists would say, not even what our minds do, but we can certainly control what we do in any given circumstance. 

It takes two to tango, to use another old saying.  Start with yourself.  Go get therapy and let your loved one know about it.  Show them that you use what you are selling them so to speak and you have personal experience doing it.  It only takes one small pebble to create ripples on the water.  A change in you through your hard work in therapy can be your best card in finally convincing your loved one to give this a try.  Why?  Because any change in you will mean a change in your relationship with your loved one.  Your behavior alone may convince them that this can work.  In fact, it may be that your own therapy will be all the therapy you need to change you and your loved one! 

Listen to this blog post on Spotify! Click here!

What I didn’t get to ask Steve

by Nathan Chua

If you were me and you were about to talk to one of the living legends of the field you work in, you would probably be laser-focused on what you would ask them when the moment finally arrives.  Well, lucky me, I got a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview Dr. Steven Hayes, and my internet connection at home happened to be having problems for about a couple of months already.  It was an interview, three months in waiting!  My internet connection had been reliable for the most part of many years, and it chose the worst time to act up!  

There were also severe financial challenges that had been surrounding me since the beginning of the year.  And of course, I forgot to turn on the extension socket where my laptop was plugged so I could charge during what turned out to be a two-hour interview!  It was, after all, akin to a live interview since I didn’t know how to edit video materials.  So what could go wrong, did go wrong!  

To avoid a monumental mishap, I woke up four hours (4 AM folks!) ahead of schedule, took a look at the speed of my internet connection and it was not even ten percent of the speed that I had been paying for.  Having been prepared for the worst case scenario, I still had time to drive up to my office and do the interview there.   

So as you can see I was flustered on the lead-up to the interview date most especially because I had been having connectivity problems since February of this year!  I was so focused on getting the logistics right that I had forgotten to take down a question that I had in my mind as early as three months ago, when Dr. Hayes, through the kind assistance of David Lorscheid, gave me an affirmative response for the interview.  That question could have been the last question I would ask and a fitting ending to the interview.  It is related to what we do in the study of human behavior and what keeps us going even when it’s hard.

So for those of you who might be interested enough to follow what happens after a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this, here is the question, and probably the most important one, that I forgot to ask Steve!!!

Question I forgot: 

I was particularly moved by the way you ended your book, “A Liberated Mind.”  For those of you who have the audio version of the book, there is a bonus at the epilogue.  The voice of the narrator suddenly changes into that familiar raspy voice of a wise man in his seventies as he reads what could be the main thing that he’s dedicated his life’s work to and how it could be summed up.      

“Humanity is in a race, a race to create a kinder, more flexible and values-based world—to say it another way, a more loving world that is better able to face the challenges that our own scientific and technological developments present to us. Either we will learn how to create modern minds for this modern world of ours, or we will loom ever closer to disaster… 

None of us knows how it will turn out, but based on human history, I put my bet on the human community evolving to meet the challenge. I put my bet on our capacity to choose love over fear. That can only happen one person, couple, family, business, and community at a time. When each of us learns how to put our own mind on a leash, and become more able to open up, show up, and move forward toward what we deeply care about, we shine a light into the darkness that helps others do the same. There is a good word for it: the word is love. 

We know how important that is. The crying eight-year-olds within us know. Deep down, we all know that love isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

There you go my friends, for all their faults and follies, the work of Dr. Hayes and countless other scientists in human history, can at times be at best, misunderstood and at worst, neglected or even scorned at.  The work that he does in the helping business is to make a better world for all of us to experience.  A lot of it can be buried underneath these tail-chasing conspiracy theories that researchers and scientists have some kind of hidden notorious agenda in an age where people can be isolated in their own silos of information. 

I had a follow up question in mind too:  “Could I say that part where you say this is all about love is why you called it Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?”  I have seen Dr. Hayes make a joke about the reason behind the name.  He would say that he wanted it to be the first in the list of hundreds of approaches and models of therapy.  My guess is, the name actually represents with a modicum of words, what love is all about.  For love is after all about acceptance and commitment, isn’t it?  Well, so goes my one and only chance to get confirmation about this idea.  

Like Dr. Fauci or any other advocates for science you and I have seen across thousands of miles, Dr. Hayes has dedicated his life to his work because love matters to him.  The bottomline behind the countless hours these people spend in their labs is love, because science is love.  That’s what it’s all about lest we forget.  Thank you Dr. Hayes for your love for science and the people that your work serves.  We have a better, kinder world because of your dedication to something that could still use more appreciation from all.

Listen to this article on Spotify!  Click here!

Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?

by Nathan Chua

It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures.  If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end.  Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority.  In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together.  The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.    

A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds.  It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are.  One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct.  One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.

Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content.  The arguments remain on the surface.  These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did.  You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be.  You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves.  You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner. 

It is hard and I recognize that.  Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship.  You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert. 

There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences.  The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects.  They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you.  In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what?  One hundred percent!

Metaphor:

One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work.  One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend.  Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend.  Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury.  Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury?  Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?

If you are like most people I know, you would.  Why?  Because you love your friend that much.   

One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them.  Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for.  It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past.  Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it.  Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love.  Relish and be mindful of those moments.  Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify!  Click here!

Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis

by Nathan Chua

I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand.  When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others.  For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line.  These situations don’t usually end up well.  Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.  

Now don’t get me wrong.  Tunnel vision is not always harmful.  There are plenty of times when you and I need it.  If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation.  In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child.  If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive. 

The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest.  A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures.  We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment.  Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.  

On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine.  That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans.  To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.

So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs.  In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem. 

  • Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you.  Is it a heaviness in the chest?  Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders?  Tightness in your head?  Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes.  Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense. 
  • Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this?  Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion. 
  • Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem.  See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts. 
  • Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future?  Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?  
  • See if you can find out why this is so painful for you.  Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear.  Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness.  Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice.  What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?   
  • If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero?  How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?   
  • Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours?  Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these? 
  • If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way?  Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
  • If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them?  What would you suggest they do?
  • You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have.  Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no?  Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person.  Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
  • If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life?  Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.

That’s all for now folks.  Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.

Listen to this post on Spotify! Click here!

We’re Back at our West Avenue Office!

Hello everyone!

We are very pleased to announce to you that we are back at our West Avenue office starting Wednesday, March 30, 2022! 

The address again is:

CMS Clinic

2nd Floor Back to the Bible Building

135 West Avenue, Quezon City, Philippines!

We can see there every Wednesdays between 10:00 am to 12:00 noon!

See you all there!