Category: One Life Only Blog

How to prevent fights from escalating in your relationship

by Nathan Chua

Since I began to sense some dissatisfaction over the counseling approaches I have been using for the first nine years of my practice, I went in earnest to find better and more modern approaches to working with couples.  It didn’t take long for me to listen to a podcast from a couple of psychologists from Oxford University, raving about the efficacy of mindfulness to psychological well-being.   

Most of the approaches I had tried before for couples, were rules-based.  These rules made sense and they didn’t take a genius to understand how these rules can work.  Unfortunately, the drawback of this approach is that couples would then tend to use such rules to bash one another.

How do I now translate the mindfulness approach to dealing with couples?  Do I have my couple sit in front of me for 10 minutes and meditate?  It turns out there is a way to counsel couples to become more mindful in their relationships.  

Mindfulness allows couples to de-escalate fights, prevent fights, and recover more easily from their fights.  Most couples end up separating because their negative interactions have become hard to tolerate.  As a result, these negative exchanges can lead to a lessening of positive interactions that contribute to the couples’ opting to end the relationship.

Dr. Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson have come up with a memory aid for couples to remember.  This helps couples take a more mindful approach to de-escalating fights.  The mnemonic is START:

“Stop what you are doing for the moment.”  Pause to notice what is going on at the moment.  Notice if this is something familiar that you and your partner have gone through countless times in the past.

“Take a deep breath.”  This focus on the breath and being able to breathe in and out of the body part that feels tension in this exchange, can get you off the automatic reactions that lead to escalation.  

“Attend to what is going on with you emotionally in the moment.”  One skill you will learn in mindfulness is to be able to identify or label the emotion that you are feeling.  Couples tend to more easily show a hard emotion over a soft hidden emotion. 

“Reveal your emotional state to your partner.”  Once you have identified the deeper emotion, you may now be more open to tell your partner about these vulnerabilities that have remained hidden for so long.

“Take an interest in what is going on emotionally with your partner.”  If you can be in touch with your feelings without defense, you can be more open to understanding your partner’s feelings as well.

I hope this short blog post will help you and your partner become more equipped when disagreements arise.  Committing to act on these skills is your key to developing a better relationship.    

How language can affect your mental health

by Nathan Chua

Ah, the functions of language!  Until recent years, I have never thought about how language played a role in our ability to sustain our mental health.  As the theory behind this new approach that I am using is framed upon language and how we use it, I would like to introduce you to a few terms that we use in a way that can cause us to experience unnecessary depression, excess anxiety, and even attempts at suicide!

The first expression we use quite a lot in the field of counseling is the word, “healing.”  I remember in the years I spent in graduate school, this word was used quite liberally.  In fact, there was even a book that had, as part of its title, the words, “wounded healer.”  Healing though connotes the idea that we are somehow broken and that we need to be put together like a puzzle or a broken vase in a clinical setting.  

Reality though would tell us that this can be nothing more than a figure of speech that at the least, could be considered unhelpful.  Because nothing inside of us is really broken.  It is rather a form of learning to resort to certain strategies that provide instant relief from emotional pain that end up unproductive and futile; and thereby rendering us feeling more ineffectual and deserving of our sad fate.  We are whole and complete.  What we suffer when we are said to be having some psychological problems is that of being stuck in a pattern of behaviors that do not serve our best interests.

The next phrase or term I have learned to be used in unhelpful fashions is the idea that comes from stories of people who supposedly went from being dead to surviving a coma. It is often said that they see a great white light and felt immense peace!  Attempts at suicide are basically logical responses to removing the difficult feelings brought on by our attempts at living what comes as meaningful to us.  It is better to die, since one:  it will remove the painful emotions we experience from our pursuits for meaning and purpose, and two:  there will be unimaginable bliss thereafter.  Unfortunately, allow me to paraphrase an expert in behavioral analysis who said in jest that there has so far been no one on record to have answered a survey from death that talks about how much better it is on that side.

The last term for this post is the word, confidence.  We often combine this with the word, “feel.”  This means that confidence is a feeling that we need to achieve in order to do something of significance.  As Dr. Steven Hayes likes to use etymologies in his work, the word actually means having full trust or faith in Latin.  We have somehow in our modern usage of the term used it to mean that it is something we feel rather than something we do.  We can still put our full faith in ourselves even as we feel anxious about doing a certain task. 

Remember that the best way to live is to focus on what we do rather than what we feel, because there is the possibility of redemption in the former.  Our feelings are subject to change and outside of our control.  If we hang our hats on them, we will find ourselves stuck in a cycle of frustration, and eventually see ourselves as broken vessels that need to be pieced together, or brought to a place where we choose to end it all permanently for temporary relief from the varied emotions we experience that come with truly living.

Making Your New Year’s Resolution Work

by Nathan Chua

I think even without a new year to celebrate, many of us have often made certain commitments that we hope to accomplish beginning at a certain time.  Well, looking back, how many of those commitments have we fulfilled?  What is it that keeps us from getting from point A to point B?  

One way we end up not doing what we resolve to do has to do with reasons.  Our logical minds have evolved to find cause and effect relations.  This is an important function because in order to solve problems in our environment, we need to know what causes something to happen.  For instance, relevant to today’s issues, our minds needed to find out what causes the spread of the coronavirus in order for us to keep infections down and manage the extent of the pandemic.  The scientists needed to know how the virus causes life-threatening pneumonia, for them to find ways to counteract the process of fatal illness developing in people. 

The only drawback to this mental capacity is when the rule becomes inflexible.  They are applied across other domains when they don’t really put us on a path to where we want to be.  For example, we say, “I have to eat chocolate if I am sad.”  The rule here is sadness should be removed by eating unhealthy snacks.  However, we can reverse this statement and say, “I should not eat chocolate to stop me from feeling sad, because in the end, the lack of control of my behavior makes me even sadder and therefore the urge becomes stronger.”  

Now if reasons really have so much power over us, wouldn’t we be all following the reasons why we should not be eating chocolate when we feel sad?  The answer is no matter what the reasons our minds come up with, we still can opt to act one way or the other.  This only means that no matter how much we try to give ourselves reasons to do stuff, we can always make a decision that complies or doesn’t comply with the behavior we want to either stop or begin doing more of.

This means reasons are just thoughts that our minds come up with for us to make logical decisions.  Unfortunately, what may sound logical may not be what’s good for us.  Now, you might be thinking, what then do I do about this?  Well, one way to do it is to first notice your thoughts as thoughts.  They are not you.  Your mind is just a part of you and your bodily functions. 

One way to practice this ability to keep your thoughts separate from you, is to give your mind a name.  Thank him or her for the suggestion.  You’re not bad for having those thoughts, it’s just part of your minds’ functioning.  It is nothing more than a reason-manufacturing tool.  

You can also add in one more step.  You can notice what sticking to your diet is in the service of.  Maybe you’d like to become more attractive so you can start having more opportunities to find a date.  It could be that you’d love to see your kids grow old enough to see them go through different life stages.  Whatever your motivations are, it is best to come up with ideas that give you intrinsic motivation, rather than those that make you think that you are a bad or lousy person if you don’t follow your resolutions.  The latter only spirals into the negative feedback loop of emotions.

And finally, keep in mind that whatever life-enhancing habits we want to create, it takes time and patience.  Your road will not be a straight line.  Every time you fail at your commitments, you can always pick yourself up and keep going towards a direction you want.  We are creatures who want to create habits that work for our lives.  If we suffer an injury to our leg, we still want to stand up and walk again, don’t we?  And yes, you and I will fall to the ground as we rehab, but we pick ourselves up and keep going, with pain and all.  Because walking matters, just like living does too!  

When Anger Strikes

by Nathan Chua

Anger was a familiar foe to me.  As a child, I saw how anger in the family was able to get the giants at home what they wanted from myself and others.  And so I learned that albeit unpleasant and unbecoming, anger can be a means to a good end.  Anger for me was never an end in itself. People should understand the reason for my short temper, so I thought.  Yet, there would probably be very few occasions when I would realize that my angry behavior served me in good stead as I pursued the good ends.  

Much of what ails us with anger is not about the feeling itself, but rather the coping style that most of us use as we feel this difficult emotion.  You see, my biggest problem with my anger was precisely what I had just indicated in the opening sentence of this blogpost.  Anger had become a familiar foe, when all it was, was a part of my nervous system telling me that I just experienced frustration or disappointment or anxiety. 

For as long as anger remained my enemy, then it would continue to stand in the way of me becoming the person I wanted to be.  Back in my days as a businessman, anger got in the way of my acting in a manner that was most faithful to my deepest aspirations for my life.  My inner yearnings to help the people around me made me passionate about keeping the business healthy and viable.  Mistakes at work meant a step backwards and threatened to move the company away from this goal. My mind dutifully and persistently told me that the solution to avoiding mistakes, is to exert control over the people working for the business with my anger.  Unfortunately, gaining full control over other people is like keeping ocean water from being salty. 

The logical solution was to intimidate people into feeling motivated every day.  What’s worse is that my mind has learned this dictum to try and try the same thing over and over again until I succeed. Put in another more familiar way, my mind told me to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

Here are some tips for you my readers on what to do when anger pays you a visit:

  • Welcome your old friend and breathe into the feelings and body sensations that arrive with your anger.
  • Notice it and observe it in your body. Observe what it is egging you to do.  Notice it with a beginner’s mind.
  • Remind yourself that this is but part of a journey, a hero’s journey if you will, and you just encountered something that is getting in the way of the valued outcomes you want at this very moment.
  • Give yourself some compassion as you suffer through these obstacles and difficult feelings.
  • Remember what it is that you wish to stand for in your life.  
  • Notice the thoughts as thoughts and not as commands that will make you go in a different direction if you’re not aware. Remember the actions your mind will dictate can move you away from the valued outcomes you had imagined.    

We all have seen the unfortunate results of harsh behaviors in our midst.  We have also seen how it affects our sense of purpose and meaning as we go through the daily challenges of life and relationships.  Anger is neither bad nor good.  It’s just a feeling that we all can contain within us.  It is a part of us.  Not wanting it is akin to saying that you want your tongue to taste only food that is pleasant. Unfortunately, our tongues and other senses come in a package. We will feel both ends of the spectrum of emotions. 

And if you are like me, your anger might have something to offer you.  For many years, my anger had been telling me that I did care about the business, because its viability meant the well-being of the people involved. This realization has helped me see what was behind my frustrations and disappointments. I cared and I still do to this day. May we experience the benefits of accepting life for all the bitter-sweet experiences it presents. As an old ACT saying goes, “We care where we hurt and we hurt where we care.”

Pursuing the Happy Life

by Nathan Chua

When you raise your head to look ahead as you traverse the busiest streets of Manila, there will undoubtedly be dozens of billboards craning for your attention as you look into the distance and survey the sea of traffic ahead of you.  It sort of is a means to break the monotony of tail lights shimmering about several kilometers ahead.  Lots of cheery faces showing you how much more you can grab out of life if only you had that new car, home, outfit, hairstyle, and yes, even that new loan!  Yeah, that is the good life, the feel good life!

Positivity has become the antidote to much of what we experience in life as trials and misfortunes.  We can always just think about positive things and all will be alright as far as our internal mechanisms are concerned.  

Just recently heard Dr. Steven Hayes in one of his podcast interviews talk about the futility of this approach to life’s realities.  Once again he uses an interesting comparison of this “feel only the good” agenda to just wanting our fingers to feel things that we like.  Unfortunately, that is only doable if we totally remove the sense of touch from our fingers.  There is no way to teach our fingers to just feel the good ones and not the bad ones.  If you feel the soft touch of your pillow at night, you will also feel the roughness of sandpaper as you work on some cleaning project at home.  Removing what we dislike can only be done if we remove all the sensations our fingers can feel.  

It’s a pretty apt metaphor for not wanting to feel unpleasant emotions.  Our minds and our nervous systems come with the ability to experience both sides of the spectrum.  If we constantly wish to run away from difficult thoughts and feelings, we will also end up unable to feel pleasant emotions.  If we numb ourselves from feeling difficult emotions, we also by default have to remove ourselves from feeling the opposite.    

Because of the constant barrage of information we get saying that, the meaningful life ought to make us feel good, we lose touch with what is truly important to us.  Maybe that very thing that you have been looking for to find meaning in your life is really contained in some activity that you wish you could do, if only your mind would stop telling you that it’s too hard!  Forget about it, you will end up just getting hurt.  

Maybe it is in that project you wished you could start because it is where you lose consciousness of time when you engage in doing it.  But you are afraid that you will end up being a laughing stock to your friends and family if you did.  Maybe it’s in that dating life that you wish you can resume after a painful divorce.  But your mind tells you, you better not, because it will hurt even more.  Maybe it is taking that step to talk to your child about something you wish he or she can see from your perspective.  But your mind tells you, you will just end up spoiling your kid and surrendering some of that power you have over him or her.  

All of these yearnings point to what truly matters to us and the existential anxiety we have about how we spend our time as we remain alive and conscious.  If it is important for you to have that career, then you will feel anxious pursuing it.  If it is important for you to have a good relationship, then you will feel terrified by the idea of meeting new people for romantic reasons.  If it is important for you to be loving to your child, then you will feel like you’re walking on eggshells raising one.  

As an old ACT saying goes, we care where we hurt and we hurt where we care.  Anything that is worth pursuing in life will hurt because we care about them.  It won’t always be happy.  There is no guarantee unfortunately.  The only thing that is sure is that if you pursue a life that matters rather than a life that’s happy, you will then know what it means to live meaningfully.  As one 19th century sage put it, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”     

How couples go from, “aisle, altar, hymn” to “I’ll alter him (her)!”

by Nathan Chua

If you are like most people who are frustrated with their partners’ incorrigible ways, here’s an option you might want to consider.  What if you and your partner can become more objective in the way you view each other’s peculiarities?  What if these defects were just your differences?  What if you view your differences more from your past perspective of why you two clicked in the first place?

Of course, this is always as we say, easier said than done.  That person you thought had all the complementary qualities you wish you yourself had, has now turned into a nuisance.  You fell in love with him because he was always cool, calm, and collected.  He was never frazzled by any of the crises you had to deal with in your months or years of dating.  Unfortunately, you realize that these same qualities when displayed in certain situations, are not the source of solace and comfort you wish they would be.  They now come across as snooty or insensitive, dismissive of how you feel about your current problems at work or at home.  You now complain and criticize, and your partner is flabbergasted.  He thinks it’s unfair for you to come up with new standards of how he should be.  Isn’t it that you loved me with all these qualities before?  Why do you want to change me completely all of a sudden?

Now, I have gone through so many approaches to couples counseling in my years of working with distressed couples and have found this so far to be the most intriguing of all and probably can turn out to be the most effective.  I call it the, Why Of Course You Do Therapy!  Why?  Because I realized that these are the very words I would be mentioning quite often in my work with couples!  Given the circumstances and given your histories, you will react in certain ways that are quite predictable and understandable.  

The problem starts when each of the parties in the relationship begin to demand, criticize, show annoyance, and reject attempts at connection or reconciliation.  What were qualities that each of you accepted early in your relationship, are now irritants that turn you into adversaries.  Your partner becomes a project to change.  As mentioned earlier, your partner will feel rather betrayed if what he or she thought were things you were willing to accept, have now become unacceptable.  The differences that you had once accepted have now turned into defects that can make or break the relationship.

The key is that through acceptance, your partner may in turn notice how much harder you are working to come to terms with what can be difficult to change.  The irony in psychology is that unless we learn to accept things as they are, then change can happen.  As the words of the great Carl Rogers remind us, “”The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”  This works well with couples too!  The more your partner senses that he or she is accepted, then they feel more motivated to change.  Why so?  It’s the paradox of the human mind, the paradox of being human!

Sunset Mode of Mind

by Nathan Chua

Happiness, contentment, gratitude, a look on the bright side.  These are just some of the terms that we throw around a lot like an old ad slogan, but find eternally elusive.  

I remember a former philosophy professor write this on the board once, “Humans are insatiable beings.”  I have pondered on this truth for so long but have long wondered what the reason for this is.  I am now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel in my long search for an explanation.  Maybe science has found the answer, the behavioral sciences that is.  

As far as this area of study is concerned, the culprit is really our human minds.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am not here to say how stupid our minds can get.  In reality, our minds are wonderful!  Without them we would not be where we are now as a species.  We’d be subject to what other species experience on a daily basis that we can only imagine in movies which depict our prehistoric existence. 

Pardon my writing nowadays as I adjust to talking more like a scientist than before when humanistic language came very easily to me.  So help me out here, I am struggling trying to get a more scientific message across.  Nonetheless, it is my hope that my blog remains as inspiring to you as it is for me to write my thoughts and share them with you, my visitors and subscribers.

I digress!

So here’s what our minds are very good at doing.  Our minds are judgmental machines.  They can churn out all kinds of criticisms anytime, anywhere.  You can try this at home.  Pick any object in your room wherever you may be (you can even be at a friend’s house, but just do this quietly in your head for your sake and your friendship’s!).  Now try to see everything that’s wrong with it.  Go ahead, try it.  When you’re done, do it twice more on two different objects you see in the room.  

If you’re like most everyone else, you would probably notice that your mind can really do a great job of this.  It gets better as you move from one object to another.  Do you see now what I am driving at?  That’s your friend Mind’s forte!

Ever noticed how some of the most successful, famous, and wildly attractive people in the world can’t seem to get to a point where they can say, “Hey, this is great!  I am happy where I am at!”  You would have probably noticed that in yourself too.  Look back about five years ago and think of the things you have now that you wished you had then.  Remember how unsatisfied you were with what you had and where you were at?  If you have been losing some stuff you used to enjoy, then it becomes all the more easier to let your mind go and tell you how much more stuff you still need.

That in a nutshell is what our minds do.  It’s natural and it also is the secret to why humans dominate the earth.  So don’t worry or don’t fret if you feel like a selfish person for thinking that you don’t have enough.  It is your mind, mind you, that’s doing it for you.  It thinks it is doing you a service by keeping you thinking about what you could be missing or what could go wrong when you’re missing what you’re missing.

But what you can learn here that your mind cannot get, is that you are a human being that is capable of noticing what your mind is doing.  All those judgmental critical thoughts of who you are and what you’ve accomplished are just part of the deal of being a human with a brain.  The key here is to know when it’s happening and make a pivot or shift towards what life has to offer in the moment.  For this moment is all we really have.  Neither can we change the past nor control our future.  It is this moment that we can change and we can control!  

It is that mode of mind that tells you you are watching the sun go down, and you look with wonder and surprise at how wonderful it can be.  You know, that sunset mode of mind, like the title of this blogpost?  I betcha you can’t appreciate the sunset and do the exercise we just did in this post!  I don’t think so!  For who wants to see the sunset and figure out what’s wrong with it?  Not me, and I guess neither do you.  

And guess what, science has come full circle to an old eastern tradition of being mindful.  The answer was found in the future, in the form of science that has gone to the past to find the answer!

Mindfulness gets us into that sunset mode of mind…everyday!  Do it while you’re brushing your teeth or walking around your neighborhood…and see how great it is to be alive just by being more present, more conscious, and more aware!  

Until the next (more scientific) blogpost.  See ya!  

Mind Rules

by Nathan Chua

Don’t touch that!  Don’t go there or you’ll hurt yourself!  These are just some of the rules that anyone who grows old enough will learn perhaps during the early childhood stages.  Such rules are important to ensure our safety and survival.  It is precisely this capability that allows us to not always have to rely on our experience to know that something can threaten our physical safety.  This has made us as a species such a success.  In fact, so successful that we dominate the planet!  Ever wondered why such helpless beings as we, with no enlarged fangs or sharp claws, can keep menacing predators away?  We have built cities to surround us and keep us away from such threats.  Otherwise we’d be dinner for some of them!

These rules however, only work when we are dealing with computer problems, external threats of a physical nature, and when we want to fix a leak in the house.  Our minds are pretty useful when it comes to such problems.  Unfortunately, our minds are also unable to discern when these rules are handy, and when they are less helpful or even unhelpful.  In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) linggo we call this phenomenon fusion.  It is when we fuse with our thoughts that we run into trouble.  Fusing means we either fight away these thoughts or we follow what these thoughts say we should do.  

In the first nine years of working in this field, I can see the parallels between this perspective and my work regarding emotions.  We need to be able to feel our emotions because they can serve as a guide for better living.  From a cognitive behavioral standpoint, it gives us another angle from which to view such phenomena.  Why do we explode in anger?  Or shrink our lives into depression and anxiety?  Where have we learned this strategy that the best way to live our lives is to shirk our unpleasant emotions and grab on to the pleasant ones.  The rule states that emotions are bad for your health; get rid of bad feelings.

Here are some ways that we fuse with our thoughts about emotions.  We fuse with the idea that some emotions are bad and that they need to be eradicated.  Feeling good is not a valued outcome in life.  There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, but our emotions shift constantly throughout the day.  Having that feel good target in our lives can only lead to one frustration over another.  

And because we have these evaluations about our feelings, we also derive a new rule that tells us that feelings can become causes of our behavior.  As children, it was quite normal for parents to believe that being able to predict their child’s feelings meant having more control of the child’s behavior.  They would not want the child to be angry because anger normally leads to physical altercations.  

Sadly the rule that some feelings are bad or that some feelings can cause us to do something bad takes its roots from here.  The results of such rule-based decisions about our behavior can be constricting to life.  Here are some examples:  

  • I need to feel confident before I can mingle with the people in this party.
  • I can’t exercise if I feel lazy.
  • I feel depressed so I have to go get some comfort food.

Dr. Russ Harris has a great example of how we can actually see that these rules aren’t true, and even if they were true, they’re not helping us live the lives we are aiming for.  If someone pointed a gun at you and told you that you should not feel anxious, how successful do you think you may be?  But if someone did the same thing to you and told you to sing and dance while a gun is pointed at your head, you’d probably be more successful.

So next time your mind gives you these thoughts that somehow you should get rid of “bad” feelings first before you can get on with your life, stop for a moment and see how helpful or unhelpful this thought is.  Are your feelings stopping you from applying for that promotion?  Are your feelings stopping you from calling that person you want to date?  Are your feelings telling you that you’re a loser when it comes to losing weight?

The key here is to learn how to handle such difficult feelings that come with life’s challenges, more effectively.  We normally do great when things are going well in our lives.  It is when we encounter the harsh realities of life that living our lives the way we want to, becomes a challenge.

Letting Go!

by Nathan Chua

It’s become a buzzword nowadays.  Let go!  And be free!  However, what does letting go really mean?  Where is the wisdom in this?  Does it mean that we should just throw up our hands in surrender?  Submit to whatever life throws our way?  Does it mean just going with the flow and not pursuing what we want?

In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a better life is one where the process is itself, the outcome.  Outcomes can be very unpredictable.   We may choose to develop a romantic relationship with someone but end up being rejected.  We can burn the midnight oil and yet fail in a job application, a promotion, or an important exam. 

The first step to letting go is to understand what we can and cannot control.  For example, an angry spouse, or a recalcitrant teenaged child with the accompanying unpleasant thoughts and feelings that these important relationships bring, are hard to control.  As our focus moves towards controlling our feelings and thoughts and the significant people in our lives, many of us eventually discover how far we have gone away from the person we had always wanted to be.  Some of us may have had experiences of these rude awakenings.  I know I have!    

Letting go means that we can drop the struggle with things that are outside of our control: our own thoughts and feelings, circumstances, and other people.  A popular metaphor is the tug of war that happens in our heads.  We are constantly drawn towards fighting this war between how we want to be and how we don’t want to be.  It feels like an angel and a devil taking up space inside of us, with each one pulling on either side of the rope.  We desperately want the angel in us to win this war!  We get trapped in this perpetual struggle, unaware about the only way we can end this war within, which turns out to be simply dropping the rope, or dropping the struggle, or letting go of the struggle!

The Chinese Finger Trap provides us with an excellent metaphor of letting go:

So in the psychological sense, letting go is about letting go of the struggle with our own thoughts and feelings that come with what life brings to the table for us.  Let life be as it is and treat it with a sense of wonder.  

Allow these unpleasant thoughts and feelings to go through you and start to choose what actions you would like to take in dedication to your lifelong values.  Values are shown by the choices you make that bring you to what you wish to stand for in any given moment.  Live according to what is in your control and let go of your struggles with pain, in order to find out how rich and meaningful life can be, even with all of its pains.       

Values vs. Virtues: What’s the difference?

by Nathan Chua

Have you ever felt like an outcast where people seem to have their morals in place and you have not?  Do you sometimes feel like a misfit in a deeply religious group?  Everyone around you seems sure of what is judged to be right or wrong, good or bad, and you are left out not knowing why you feel restless about such strongly held beliefs.  

The good news is, you are not alone.  How many of us have felt like we held certain values that go against what is commonly accepted as correct and acceptable to the culture and society?  Many!  

The key here lies in how we understand the terms that we use.  We often think that there must be something wrong with our values since they don’t jibe with what is held out to be correct by society.  I am not saying that I have the official definition of the terms I will be using here.  This post is only a means to help you, my dear readers, find a place of comfort where your values can find legitimacy no matter how outlandish you think they might be. 

Let me use a couple of terms that a foremost expert in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy uses to distinguish two words that are normally taken to mean the same: values and virtues.  

A value is something that can be summed up in one word.  If it needs to be said in more than just one word, then it turns into a rule or a virtue as we are using it here.  One can hold being loving, caring, compassionate, accepting, assertive, etc as a value.  Once it turns into, “I have to be loving all the time,” then it becomes a rule.  Values are meant to be held lightly and as a kind of being in every moment, but nonetheless, can be pursued determinedly.  

Here’s a metaphor to give you an idea what a value is.  If you ever liked mountain climbing, you would know that your goal of reaching the top is separate from the process of reaching it.  You climb a mountain with the goal of reaching the top, but the goal is not just about reaching the top but to experience the process of reaching the top.  In other words, you may or may not reach the top, as mountain climbing can be a rather risky activity, but it doesn’t matter as much as simply climbing the mountain.  If you hold on too much to the goal of reaching the top to gain a sense of accomplishment or belonging, then you lose the value of experiencing the journey itself or the activity of mountain climbing.

Virtues on the other hand, sound more like goals or rules to follow.  Again, I am not talking here about a dictionary definition.  This is about distinguishing two ideas to help us understand how values-directed and virtues-directed living can be distinguished from one another.  Virtues have a sense of conformity in them.  It can come in the form of a statement like, “I should be nice, otherwise people won’t like me.”

So here is how it works in our daily experiences, a value may not be accepted as a virtue in certain cultures.  For example, you may have the value of being assertive, but the culture may not see that as a virtue.  You and I can run into some conflicts with these types of long-held beliefs about what is acceptable or not.  

I am quite sure that you have been in some rather difficult situations before wherein you had this feeling that you were doing right by your own conscience, but seem to be unwelcomed by many.  Fear not!  Anything that we hold as important will come with the pain of not finding it manifested in our own lives as well as the others around us or in the larger community even.  If we care about equality of opportunity, we will find pain in seeing ourselves and others that are not given such opportunities.  When we care about life, we will find death fearful.  When we care about friendships, we will feel anxious and awkward in social situations.  When we care about people who have disabilities, we will care about accessibility of public places.  

So take heart my friends!  For anything that grieves you from the pain of past experiences, you will find something beautiful inside you that you may have failed to see.  You may care about the rights of oppressed groups because a part of your history tells you that there is a person there behind your eyeballs that saw that oppression in the past!  For any kind of past sufferings you have experienced, you will find a gift.  And that gift may very well be love, which in the end sums up much, or even all of what we’d like to live for anyway.