Tag: Face-to-Face Counseling
Interviewed by Jacob Martinez, ACT Matrix Expert and Professional Counselor from Wisconsin!
ACT Matrix for Couples: How Couples Get Stuck in Circular Arguments
Not Every Hero Ends Up a Hero
Not Everyone is a Zelensky, Not Everyone Ends Up a Hero
by Nathan Chua
How many times have you and I been discouraged at the results of our hard work? How many times have you and I loved but failed? Have you ever taken care of a stray puppy and ended up seeing that puppy die in just a few months? Have you ever done something that you thought would benefit your organization but end up unappreciated?
Welcome to the club my friend. This is something that you share with countless others who have lived long enough to experience the pain of the human condition. Oftentimes, we get disheartened by the results of our hard work and our standing up for what we believe is important. This could be mostly because we often miss seeing the value behind the goals that we set for ourselves. Goals are guideposts that tell us that we are heading in the direction we want for our lives. Goals are benchmarks we either look forward to or look back on with much pride and sometimes with mixed feelings. Goals are also not a sure thing. They can be elusive or even unachievable in our lifetimes.
Our values on the other hand, are qualities of being that we aspire to be about. It is inexhaustible. It does not have an end point that we either look ahead to or look back on. It can be the fuel that burns the fire for our daily existence that could otherwise be meaningless or pointless.
As we live our values and pursue those goals, not all of us will end up getting the acknowledgement we want. Not all end up on the cover of Time magazine like the president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky. Even in such challenging places like the Ukraine, many soldiers in the Ukrainian army or even civilians, have bravely stayed to fight for their territorial rights, but unlike their president, many of them will die unknown. At best, their names might be engraved in some memorial one day, but how many of us really take the time to get to know each one of these heroes.
Ask yourself this question, regardless of the results of your small but heroic endeavors, whatever your lot in life, would you still do what it is that you just did? If you were to dedicate most of your adult life to something you want to do, and no one would know, what would you choose to do? Maybe you can relate to these stories:
- A security guard earning what can hardly be called a living wage, returns a bag full of cash to an unsuspecting tourist;
- A homeless person rushing in to save another pinned underneath a burning car;
- A dedicated worker who contributes daily to their organization without much recognition or reward but a measly salary.
So let’s get back to the questions that I started this article with. Read them again and ask yourself, would you have still done it? Would you have still worked hard to help the group of people who toil with you everyday in the office? Would you still have loved that person the way you did? Would you still have taken that stray puppy? Would you still have done that for your company regardless of the results?
If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then welcome to the club again my friend. You are in the company of the nameless soldiers who died in war for the sake of something bigger than themselves. You may not end up a Zelensky or on the headlines of a broadsheet, but you stood for something you wanted to be for that moment.
If you ask me why we do it? Blame it on Darwinian evolution. There is a part of us that has never left us in millions of years of evolution. We are the most social of all primates. We have that gene, that social gene that tells us that we are capable of doing caring things even at the highest of costs, with little reasons for these deeds than just being the creatures that we are. That’s the kind of programming we have, fortunately or unfortunately. We can do really big things, for nothing more than love.
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Successful But Unsatisfied
by Nathan Chua
Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless? Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential? Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do? Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?
This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT. The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms. Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time. Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:
- You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
- You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
- You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.
If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.
Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:
- “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?”
- “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?”
- “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”
If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed. If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.
Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you: How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success? Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child. Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent. Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security? If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life. It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.
Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick. When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction? If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction. Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup. Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.
Noticing the “If Onlys” of Your Life
by Nathan Chua
This is the second part of a series of articles about rules that our minds give us that can lead us to ineffective behaviors. In the ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy world, we don’t subscribe to the idea that a person is somehow damaged or broken. We think this just leads people into their own prisons, seeing as if their limits are set in terms of what they can do about their inner experiences. I have seen it so many times in therapy sessions, when people come armed with some diagnosis/diagnoses that a mental health practitioner just bestowed upon them. What ACT advocates for is the notion that most of us end up in stuck patterns of relating to our inner world. This is in contrast to the idea that we “have” something that we need to get rid of in order to live a rich and meaningful life. One of these stuck patterns of thinking is the subject of discussion for this post. These are the “if onlys” of life.
Here are some examples that might help you see how this happens.
- If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, then I could be nicer to them.
- If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could become the person I want to be.
- If only I had chosen differently, life would be so much different today.
- If only I didn’t have these urges, I would do things differently.
These are just some of what we call inapplicable rules that we follow. They essentially make sense but when followed, they lead us into nothing because of their very nature. They’re simply inapplicable.
How then do these rules affect our behavior? Before I get back to the examples above, I would like you to notice if you have any “if onlys” in your life. Once you’re done, you can continue to read on.
Here are potential ineffective actions that we end up doing if we get hooked by these if onlys:
- If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, I would nag them less.
- If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could have started finding a job or creating a business.
- If only I had chosen differently, I would not be stuck here in my room.
- If only I didn’t have these urges, I’d be more focused on doing things that matter to my work or my partner.
As I go through more learning in ACT and Relational Frame Theory (RFT), I am beginning to see how important it is to let clients figure out the answers for themselves. It is what makes the client therapist relationship so different from just coming to join a workshop or learning from an online workshop. I don’t want this post to be just another set of rules for you to blindly follow. I want you to come up with your own conclusions.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you start learning to notice such inapplicable rules taken verbatim from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte:
- “If we just go with that thought, exactly what does it suggest you do right now?
- Is this rule for you to follow, or is it one for others to follow?
- What is the next step, then?”
If you find yourself answering with an I don’t know, or I guess I just have to wait for things to change to the first question, then it could get you to realize that this is an inapplicable rule that you might have been following to the detriment of pursuing the life you want.
If you answer that the rule is not for you to follow and just for someone else or no one to follow, then you may come to the realization that again, this is another inapplicable rule that has so far taken control of your actions.
If you find it hard to answer what would be your next step as you follow this rule, then you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change the results of the rule.
So as you notice these inapplicable rules, what then can you do even as your mind keeps reminding you of these rules? In ACT, we don’t argue with them or try to get rid of them, but rather bring them along for the ride towards a more meaningful, purposeful life.
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy
I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.
Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ
Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:
Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC
Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E
How to bring a loved one to therapy
by Nathan Chua
In my recent interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, Ph.D. I got the opportunity to ask him a most-pressing question that many, many people ask me over the phone. If you are like many out there who have a loved one that you so desperately want to bring to counseling, you know how difficult that could be. Here’s what, in my words, Dr. Hayes wants to advise you:
Your loved one is not crazy:
One of the biggest hurdles to seeking help is the idea that one is being blamed for problems that come along with mental struggles. One of the risks of well meaning encouragement to seek help is the thought that everyone in your circle blames you for the problem. What you can say to your loved one is that they are not broken as we often hear it said in a lot of self-help articles. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that needs fixing. We both have evolved this human mind that works pretty much the same way as everyone else’s. You are no different from me or any of your loved ones. It is “normal” to struggle with our minds.
You also know deep inside you that you are struggling and that somehow you have not been living up to what you expect your life to be.
Someone on your side:
This is unlike other relationships that you have. This is not another setting where you are being told about what you should or should not do. Sometimes as you might have experienced, you get well meaning advice that tells you even what you should or should not feel.
In recent years, I had the privilege of learning from Dr. Russ Harris in his workshop for teen counseling. It was worth noting that if there was one thing that teens don’t like is another adult telling them what they should or should not do. Your adolescent child or relative has most probably got enough of these types of advice that it has made them feel disempowered and self-blaming.
This should be farthest from their mind when you ask a loved one to come for therapy, most especially because it is often an elder in the family that wants it to happen. On the contrary, you can emphasize that this will be done with someone who is paid to be your advocate, or someone who’s on your side willing to listen to things that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others.
The foolproof way:
As Dr. Hayes said in my interview with him, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, there is still one way you can improve the situation that doesn’t involve you having to convince your loved one to come for help. As you and I both know that the only thing you have full control over is what you do. We can’t control what others do and as ACT therapists would say, not even what our minds do, but we can certainly control what we do in any given circumstance.
It takes two to tango, to use another old saying. Start with yourself. Go get therapy and let your loved one know about it. Show them that you use what you are selling them so to speak and you have personal experience doing it. It only takes one small pebble to create ripples on the water. A change in you through your hard work in therapy can be your best card in finally convincing your loved one to give this a try. Why? Because any change in you will mean a change in your relationship with your loved one. Your behavior alone may convince them that this can work. In fact, it may be that your own therapy will be all the therapy you need to change you and your loved one!
Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?
by Nathan Chua
It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures. If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end. Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority. In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together. The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.
A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds. It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are. One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct. One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.
Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content. The arguments remain on the surface. These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did. You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be. You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves. You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner.
It is hard and I recognize that. Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship. You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert.
There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences. The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects. They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you. In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what? One hundred percent!
Metaphor:
One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work. One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend. Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend. Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury. Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury? Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?
If you are like most people I know, you would. Why? Because you love your friend that much.
One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them. Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for. It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past. Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it. Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love. Relish and be mindful of those moments. Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.