Tag: Face-to-Face Counseling

How to bring a loved one to therapy

by Nathan Chua

In my recent interview with Dr. Steven Hayes, Ph.D. I got the opportunity to ask him a most-pressing question that many, many people ask me over the phone.  If you are like many out there who have a loved one that you so desperately want to bring to counseling, you know how difficult that could be.  Here’s what, in my words, Dr. Hayes wants to advise you:

Your loved one is not crazy:

One of the biggest hurdles to seeking help is the idea that one is being blamed for problems that come along with mental struggles.  One of the risks of well meaning encouragement to seek help is the thought that everyone in your circle blames you for the problem.  What you can say to your loved one is that they are not broken as we often hear it said in a lot of self-help articles.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that needs fixing.  We both have evolved this human mind that works pretty much the same way as everyone else’s.  You are no different from me or any of your loved ones.  It is “normal” to struggle with our minds.  

You also know deep inside you that you are struggling and that somehow you have not been living up to what you expect your life to be.

Someone on your side:

This is unlike other relationships that you have.  This is not another setting where you are being told about what you should or should not do.  Sometimes as you might have experienced, you get well meaning advice that tells you even what you should or should not feel.  

In recent years, I had the privilege of learning from Dr. Russ Harris in his workshop for teen counseling.  It was worth noting that if there was one thing that teens don’t like is another adult telling them what they should or should not do.  Your adolescent child or relative has most probably got enough of these types of advice that it has made them feel disempowered and self-blaming.

This should be farthest from their mind when you ask a loved one to come for therapy, most especially because it is often an elder in the family that wants it to happen.  On the contrary, you can emphasize that this will be done with someone who is paid to be your advocate, or someone who’s on your side willing to listen to things that you might not feel comfortable sharing with others.  

The foolproof way:

As Dr. Hayes said in my interview with him, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, there is still one way you can improve the situation that doesn’t involve you having to convince your loved one to come for help.  As you and I both know that the only thing you have full control over is what you do.  We can’t control what others do and as ACT therapists would say, not even what our minds do, but we can certainly control what we do in any given circumstance. 

It takes two to tango, to use another old saying.  Start with yourself.  Go get therapy and let your loved one know about it.  Show them that you use what you are selling them so to speak and you have personal experience doing it.  It only takes one small pebble to create ripples on the water.  A change in you through your hard work in therapy can be your best card in finally convincing your loved one to give this a try.  Why?  Because any change in you will mean a change in your relationship with your loved one.  Your behavior alone may convince them that this can work.  In fact, it may be that your own therapy will be all the therapy you need to change you and your loved one! 

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Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?

by Nathan Chua

It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures.  If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end.  Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority.  In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together.  The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.    

A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds.  It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are.  One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct.  One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.

Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content.  The arguments remain on the surface.  These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did.  You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be.  You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves.  You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner. 

It is hard and I recognize that.  Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship.  You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert. 

There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences.  The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects.  They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you.  In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what?  One hundred percent!

Metaphor:

One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work.  One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend.  Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend.  Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury.  Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury?  Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?

If you are like most people I know, you would.  Why?  Because you love your friend that much.   

One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them.  Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for.  It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past.  Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it.  Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love.  Relish and be mindful of those moments.  Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.

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Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis

by Nathan Chua

I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand.  When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others.  For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line.  These situations don’t usually end up well.  Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.  

Now don’t get me wrong.  Tunnel vision is not always harmful.  There are plenty of times when you and I need it.  If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation.  In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child.  If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive. 

The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest.  A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures.  We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment.  Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.  

On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine.  That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans.  To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.

So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs.  In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem. 

  • Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you.  Is it a heaviness in the chest?  Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders?  Tightness in your head?  Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes.  Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense. 
  • Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this?  Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion. 
  • Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem.  See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts. 
  • Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future?  Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?  
  • See if you can find out why this is so painful for you.  Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear.  Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness.  Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice.  What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?   
  • If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero?  How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?   
  • Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours?  Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these? 
  • If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way?  Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
  • If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them?  What would you suggest they do?
  • You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have.  Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no?  Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person.  Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
  • If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life?  Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.

That’s all for now folks.  Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.

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We’re Back at our West Avenue Office!

Hello everyone!

We are very pleased to announce to you that we are back at our West Avenue office starting Wednesday, March 30, 2022! 

The address again is:

CMS Clinic

2nd Floor Back to the Bible Building

135 West Avenue, Quezon City, Philippines!

We can see there every Wednesdays between 10:00 am to 12:00 noon!

See you all there!

How humor can save your relationship

by Nathan Chua

We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews.  In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences.  These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.

To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples.  A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts.  One might be slower than the other.  Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others.  This may or may not change in your partner.  They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot.  The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences.  It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with. 

Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences.  Let’s use the example we just used about waiting.  If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them.  See if you can understand what’s behind it.  Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious.  Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship.  You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions.  As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met?  Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other.  Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword.  The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside. 

The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article.  Humor!  First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise.  In other words, have some foresight.  Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly.  A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late.  I promise to keep it at four seconds next time.  I know four is okay, but five is a bit much.  My bad!”  Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone.  I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing.  Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!

If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions.  You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about.  Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits?  Why?  Because that’s what life and relationships are all about.  It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.     

Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week.  It will not drastically change who you are as individuals.  Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners.  They would cry and laugh throughout the wake.  Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided.  It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course. 

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Divorced? Separated? What can you do?

by Nathan Chua

It took quite a while, but after listening to a podcast interview between Steven Hayes and a couple of divorced individuals, I realized that there is a significant part of the population that I might have missed writing about in a while.  I mean we even have local laws that give this segment of our population the same perks as the elderly and differently-abled.  Like them, I have also had my share of failed relationships to say the least!  How could I?

One of the main problems that people in this segment find themselves in is the walls that they can build around them.  Borrowing from an illustration that Dr. Hayes used to describe what these walls signify in our language, it is like asking these clients who have chosen this path after a painful end to a relationship to fill in the blank in this statement, “I will never be that _________ again.”  The words that came out of your head tell you what these walls were meant to protect.  In the interview Dr. Hayes and the interviewers came up with the following:  trusting, innocent, and vulnerable.

Now don’t get me wrong though, there is a place to be mindful of red flags in a potential relationship.  But for many who become closed off to relationships and the risks of having one again, they usually end up lonely.  They substitute the pain of presence with the pain of absence.

Here’s my version of a little metaphor that Dr. Darin Cairns used in one of his demonstration counseling sessions.  If you were playing a therapist to a client named Joe, who decided after being dumped by the love of his life, to remain closed off from any future dates with other women, ask yourself a few questions about him.  Do you think that Joe would become safer and less vulnerable to getting hurt?  Of course.  In the long term though, if he remains unwilling to go out and date someone, do you think he’d be happier?  Would he be more or less lonely using this way of coping in the long run?  You’d probably say no to both.  

Recovering from a lost relationship takes a bit of a balance.  You and I still have that part of us that’s willing to go out there and try something different.  It is something we share with other animals.  We learn by trial and error.  We have a bonus though, we also have minds that can direct us to what really matters to us in the long run.  If we learn to open up to the pain of our past, we also learn that we care about relationships, or what it is that’s important to us.  If you sense the same negative feelings you have had with that abusive partner, then it’s probably time to say no to another one.  The problem happens when you and I close off to those painful memories of the past, then we are liable to become victims of the same problems in the future because we don’t learn from them.  We just run away from them.  

We might also cling on to the belief that somehow our relationship will change the person in front of us.  Our problem-solving minds really try to do us the service of staying away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings and clinging on to the pleasant ones, so much so that we are left unaware of the possibility that we are falling into the same traps in the past.  Yes, it may feel good to see how you changed the individual in front of you, but do wait for a while and see if it lasts.  As Dr. Russ Harris mentioned in one of his training modules, there is a difference between blind and mindful trust.

To summarize, if there was a rule that I can recommend you do in your future as a single individual looking for companionship or deciding to choose a life as a single, then it is this.  Be mindful.  Be mindful of what you see in front of you, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and be mindful of your dreams and aspirations.  Maybe then you’d come to see that whether you remain single or find that relationship that you’ve been looking for, you still have a full life in front of you that’s vital and challenging at the same time.    

You can regain that vulnerability and innocence all over again, but also be wiser and more mindful at the same time.       

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Climbing the Mountain of Your Life

by Nathan Chua

Have you lost hope recently?  Does it feel like you have hit a ceiling in your life?  Does it feel like everything is just one dreadful day after another?  Has life turned into a series of musts, shoulds, and can’ts?  Are you tired of running away?  Perhaps running away from a life that you had always wanted?  What is left to pursue with your time? 

Whether it’s an addiction, anxiety, depression, or whatnot, it’s probably time to change your perspective on what’s going on with your life.  If feeling safe is what you had been looking for in a long time, then you might notice that it is only a matter of time when your anxiety, depression, addictive urges, or anger catch up with you.  It’s a fruitless endeavor.  Why?  Because you had been hardwired to have them.  To what extent will depend much on your personal history.  Unfortunately, no matter what, your personal history is going to be with you.  Your memories are not your roommates that you can avoid by just picking another place to stay. 

Clients who start gaining the ability to move forward in their lives would often run back for help whenever there are new challenges that come or when these obstacles feel insurmountable.  Well, here is something that might encourage you.  Let’s say you are a mountain climber.  As you climb up that mountain, you would probably feel the challenges getting more daunting. Why?  Because the higher you go the harder your fall will be.  You also notice that you begin to have some bruises or more tired muscles as you reach one milestone after another.  Your supplies may also show that you have less of what’s left as you climb.  There may also have been unexpected delays or injuries that needed more time to heal.

Such is life when you go after what it is that gives it meaning and purpose.  Success or no success, what’s important is the climbing.  I mean you probably wouldn’t exchange the experience with just having a drive up the mountain in a nice SUV.  

You might be reading this and think about what this has got to do with your problems.  Let’s say you have the dream of finding a partner that you can love.  You may fail along the way.  Not all your relationships end up with an exchange of vows.  The other end of this journey could be finding the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.  Either way there is one common denominator in this pursuit of a meaningful relationship.  You want to be in a relationship because you want to love and care for someone.  And this doesn’t change regardless of outcomes, but the challenges can change and become even more challenging.

Another example is, you might be working hard for your dreams of sharing the fruits of your labor with people you care for.  Bottom line is you probably are not working for money for the sake of one day lying down on top of it.  You probably want to use this money for the people that matter to you, including yourself and maybe that sense of being independent.  Whether you succeed or not in making the level of income you want, it would not change the fact that you wanted to be generous with what you earn.  So the outcome doesn’t really change who you are and what you want to be.  That’s a constant companion.  They are your dreams and aspirations of being the person you want to be and living the life you want to live.

So let that mountain that I just stuck in your mind be your guiding metaphor.  As you climb higher towards your dreams, you will have new and more difficult challenges that will come.  Learning how to embrace them as opportunities to continue with your mission is the key.  It is not about results, it’s about you and your dream of just being what you want to be in every step of your way there.  

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Vulnerability: The Price of Admission to a Loving Relationship

by Nathan Chua

If you are one of my readers who is married, let me ask you this question, “Was there some little, small part of you that wondered if marrying this person, a right decision?”  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.  There’s a funny anecdote about what comes to the mind of a bride as she walks down the aisle to wed her fiance.  It’s a play with homonyms, “Aisle, altar, hymn,” turns into, “I’ll alter him!” 

If you are one of my readers who was making a big decision of buying a car or a home, was there a little, small part of you that questioned such a decision?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

If you are one of my readers who is deciding on whether to start a career or go back to school for higher levels of education, is there a little, small part of you that questioned such a choice?  If your mind is just like mine, I am sure it did.

As you can see, all of us have one thing in common, that judging, comparing, and problem-solving part of us that is located in between our ears.  In some cases, it’s basically telling us that all choices have to be easy and that we can always hold on to both sides of a decision without sacrificing the other.  

As we get near Valentine’s day, I want you to start noticing what your mind tells you is not working in your relationship.  Are you starting to feel like the moments when you’re feeling resentful in your relationship are increasing while the pleasant ones are coming fewer and farther between?  If so, the next step is to notice what you do when these resentments take over your behavior.  Do you become aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive when these resentments show up?  Are you starting to see your partner as a problem to solve?  As someone who needs some psychological fix?  As someone who is incapable of doing certain things that you like?  On those occasions, what do you notice happens to your interaction with your partner?  Are your ways of interacting or communicating helping you get into a more intimate relationship, or is it making your relationship more distant and problematic?

Secondly, remember that that problem-solving part of your mind is there for a good reason.  It wants to protect you from harm and help you get through challenges to your personal comfort.  The least it wants to happen is to keep you in a vulnerable state.  When it’s time to check your finances because you seem to be losing part of your savings, your problem-solving mind will tell you that you need to find out what’s wrong and what’s making your finances vulnerable to the changing conditions in your work or career.  If you are being attacked by a dog, your problem-solving mind will help you get out of that vulnerable situation and into safety.  If your partner is physically abusive and verbally threatening, then your problem-solving mind can help you find ways to escape such vulnerable situations or find help from the authorities. 

When it is our inner experiences that are involved though, our minds still treat our thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations as external threats.  It’s part of the work that is done in therapy where people learn to recognize what is a mental or inner threat and what is an actual physical threat.  We can escape, fight, or surrender to a physical threat to stop the pain, but we cannot do the same to our inner experiences in order for them to go away, at least without severe consequences to our own vitality.  To paraphrase an expert, “Where are you gonna go where your thoughts, feelings, memories, and emotions don’t go?”  

Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, a parent, or some other loved one, the key to a connected and loving relationship is opening up to your more vulnerable feelings.  For those of you who are married, remember that your vows meant that you are opening yourself up to vulnerability.  No matter how perfect your partner may seem, he or she may suffer a debilitating disease or die anytime.  You are taking that step towards the risk of experiencing emotional pain, because love and vulnerability come in a package.  Vulnerability means you open up to the pain of possible loss, rejection, mistakes, and many others that come with what is called that state of being human by both you and your loved ones.   

Let me end with this quote from Ross White:

“Vulnerability is the price of admission for a vital and meaningful life.  If we are to be true to what is important to us, we will inevitably expose ourselves to some risk,” Ross White

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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