Tag: Marital Counseling

How couples go from, “aisle, altar, hymn” to “I’ll alter him (her)!”

by Nathan Chua

If you are like most people who are frustrated with their partners’ incorrigible ways, here’s an option you might want to consider.  What if you and your partner can become more objective in the way you view each other’s peculiarities?  What if these defects were just your differences?  What if you view your differences more from your past perspective of why you two clicked in the first place?

Of course, this is always as we say, easier said than done.  That person you thought had all the complementary qualities you wish you yourself had, has now turned into a nuisance.  You fell in love with him because he was always cool, calm, and collected.  He was never frazzled by any of the crises you had to deal with in your months or years of dating.  Unfortunately, you realize that these same qualities when displayed in certain situations, are not the source of solace and comfort you wish they would be.  They now come across as snooty or insensitive, dismissive of how you feel about your current problems at work or at home.  You now complain and criticize, and your partner is flabbergasted.  He thinks it’s unfair for you to come up with new standards of how he should be.  Isn’t it that you loved me with all these qualities before?  Why do you want to change me completely all of a sudden?

Now, I have gone through so many approaches to couples counseling in my years of working with distressed couples and have found this so far to be the most intriguing of all and probably can turn out to be the most effective.  I call it the, Why Of Course You Do Therapy!  Why?  Because I realized that these are the very words I would be mentioning quite often in my work with couples!  Given the circumstances and given your histories, you will react in certain ways that are quite predictable and understandable.  

The problem starts when each of the parties in the relationship begin to demand, criticize, show annoyance, and reject attempts at connection or reconciliation.  What were qualities that each of you accepted early in your relationship, are now irritants that turn you into adversaries.  Your partner becomes a project to change.  As mentioned earlier, your partner will feel rather betrayed if what he or she thought were things you were willing to accept, have now become unacceptable.  The differences that you had once accepted have now turned into defects that can make or break the relationship.

The key is that through acceptance, your partner may in turn notice how much harder you are working to come to terms with what can be difficult to change.  The irony in psychology is that unless we learn to accept things as they are, then change can happen.  As the words of the great Carl Rogers remind us, “”The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”  This works well with couples too!  The more your partner senses that he or she is accepted, then they feel more motivated to change.  Why so?  It’s the paradox of the human mind, the paradox of being human!

Of Wounds and Arrows: How Couples Conflicts Can Win Closeness

by Nathan Chua

It can be bewildering for some of us to think about conflicts as opportunities for closeness.  How can these instances of excruciating feelings of anger, hurt, and aggravation turn into lovey-dovey moments?  The key is not in what you fight about or why you fight, but in how.

The problem begins with a slow but inevitable part of being around someone for a significant period of time.  It’s an unnoticeable slide that couples take as they begin to get off the stars in their eyes to a more realistic view of their partners.  Slowly, differences emerge from the shadows as if they were never there when they first met.  Unfortunately, this begins a cycle of conflicts that not only produces conflicts about conflicts but also the conflicts that they create out of discussing such conflicts.  In other words, it not only becomes a fight about differences but also a fight about the way they fight.

This kind of relating can either produce feelings of helplessness and a surrender to a comfort zone that doesn’t increase closeness and retains the status quo, or lead to the eventual end of the couple’s relationship.  Either one of the couple walks out believing that there is no hope for the relationship.  At times, couples will just stay with unfulfilling relationships that not only gets in the way of a meaningful relationship, but also hamper their capacities to leave their kids a lasting image of a healthier way to deal with the conflicts that they will eventually have with others of their generation.  After all, as some experts put it, the best couples make the best parents.  No amount of parenting skills learned through self-help books and workshops can replace what children see in their parents when they’re fighting.

If couples can take time to record their fights and listen and analyze what one said that led to the other saying something more hurtful, someone with an understanding of how fights escalate will recognize that most of their remarks focus on what the other person is doing wrong, doing too much of, or not doing enough of.  Alas, couples become caught up lawyering for themselves in the arguments.  Left unchecked, this exchange becomes an unwinnable war between the couple.

A group of experts have come up with an easy to remember slogan that couples can take to their disagreements.  To paraphrase, “Focus on the wound, not the arrows.”  This means that in order to stop the vicious cycle of arguments, couples would need to come from a more vulnerable spot.  Instead of criticizing the partner for something they evaluate as wrong or defective in their partner, he or she can open up with softer emotions that describe how some behaviors of the partner affect them.  

For instance, instead of saying, “You never keep your word about coming home in time for dinner,” an aggrieved partner can say, “I feel lonely having to have dinner alone and neglected when I don’t get an update if you’re coming home for dinner on time or not.”

From this standpoint, the offending partner will tend to be more open to listening than being focused more of being on the defensive.  Defensiveness is usually the second step towards escalation and unless you’re with a partner who’s as calm as the Dalai Lama, a criticism or sharp rebuke will usually be met by an equally strong defense. 

Sharing vulnerabilities usually stops the attack-defend cycle.  A vulnerable partner can be met with more compassion and empathy.  This is when a couple can experience a closeness and connection that they have long missed since their early days of dating.  It may be scary and our minds will come up with all sorts of reasons not to be vulnerable, but for as long as there are no physical or threatening verbal attacks involved, it is well worth the try.  Eventually, you will see that conflicts lead to a closeness that has been absent for so long.