Tag: Marriage Counselor

Common Sense and Psychological Sense

by Nathan Chua

As I learn more in the field, I can understand why some people might have a negative view of psychology.  Besides the stigma, there is plenty of material out there that can make any person think, “Do you really need a PhD to know that?”  In this article, I’d like to talk about some examples of how this happens and why much of the common sense advice we hear online can at best, be heard but reflected on before implementing.

Here are some examples of very common common sense advice we all may have heard about at some point:  

A common sense or logical approach to sadness or depression:

Eliminate negative thoughts!  Think positive!  This will work only if we eliminate a function of our thinking, which is thinking of the opposite!  

You and I can test this for ourselves.  Living in a tropical country like the Philippines, note what thoughts come to you when the heat and humidity become unbearable.  Your mind will probably remind you of how much more pleasant the weather is in the cooler months of the year.  During the cooler months, you would probably remember the impending summer months and how short-lived these more pleasant temperatures are.  This is our minds’ propensity to think of opposites.  For our minds to not be able to do this, we would have to damage it in some ways.  Thinking positive will only remind us of the negative thinking that we were trying to avoid in the first place.  

Here’s another reason why it becomes difficult for you and I to simply think positive.  In fact, it can even be counterproductive.  The command here is, “It is important for you to not think that negative thought.”  The paradox of this command is that it makes you monitor your thoughts, specifically, your negative thoughts.  So how do you know you’re successful?  You’re not thinking of the…oops!  In other words, simply using common sense to not think about a negative thought, already reminds you of what you are avoiding in the first place and it has taken such an important place in your mind.

This war between positive and negative thoughts is unending.  One thing for certain is life will provide us with challenges, which inevitably produce negative thoughts.  This is part of what we mean when we say that depression is not really due to sadness, but it is mostly about the struggle with sadness.  Thinking only positive thoughts may sound logical by the process of elimination, but it leaves us in a losing war with our feelings which will only disappear if we are in a state of numbness from medication, or if we were dead..        

Common sense advice on sleeping problems:

Be prepared to go to sleep!  Keep it as dark as possible, with just the right temperature, and dead silence.  What’s more, follow a routine of taking a warm shower or a hot bath and make sure you have comfortable clothes.  The fact that you are prepared to go to sleep means you are primed and anxious for a battle with your insomnia.  If you are prepared for a battle, it goes without saying that you will be awake!  

I remember in the early days of my work as a therapist, I used to give one piece of advice to conquer insomnia, try not to sleep!  In other words, come to an acceptance with your insomnia and you will probably be more able to sleep.  So common sense advice as mentioned above may only serve more to keep you awake than it is to help you get the rest you want. 

Couple advice on apologies or using formulaic sentences:

Be quicker to forgive or apologize to your partner or spouse.  That’s a common statement we hear from different experts in the field.  When taken as a rule for its own sake, it forgets about the different contexts that couples have.  As I have mentioned before in a previous article, context does not just refer to a physical location but also people and our very own thoughts and memories.  If applied without sensitivity to context, this can lead to misinterpretations and even more loops in a couple’s arguments.  A quick apology can be interpreted as insincere just as a quick word of forgiveness.  It’s easy to say words we don’t mean but body language is harder to disguise.  This can lead to more vigilance from one of the partners and more frustration on the other.  One is seen to be insincere while the other is perceived to be unappreciative, which leads to the point of them giving up on each other.     

The kind of psychology I espouse is not difficult because it takes a lot of effort, it is difficult because it is tricky.  As you might have experienced yourself, common sense advice can be effortful and offer more opportunities for discouragement and escalation to even bigger problems.  To paraphrase a famous psychologist, we are not in therapy to do the logical thing, but the psychological thing.  So next time you hear someone give common sense advice, please either think critically or try not to generalize.  You may even give it a try if you wish, but also be more noticing of the results.  What makes psychological sense may not be what common sense dictates, and that’s the whole point of this blog post.    

When is it time to end a relationship or set an ultimatum?

by Nathan Chua

One of the toughest decisions to make in a relationship is when you think enough is enough.  I have seen quite a few clients agonizing over what to do with their partners.  Is this issue enough of a reason to remove oneself from the situation?  Am I doing what I think will be best for us or my family by ending it?  Is it just me who is being impatient?

Before I go on though, there are situations where giving up on a relationship may be called for.  For one, if you end up in a violent relationship where your life is in danger or your kids’ safety both physically and emotionally are at stake, leaving might be your best option.  You might also be in a situation where there is repetitive cheating that is emotionally untenable and also endangers your physical well-being.  When I say physical well-being, I am referring to chances of you becoming infected by a sexually transmissible disease.  Perhaps there is substance abuse involved that makes it impossible to have a meaningful connection with your partner.  Ending a relationship may even be more tenable if your partner is unwilling to seek therapy for violent behavior, cheating, substance abuse or a mental health concern.   

Another caveat before you continue with this post or vlog, every couple is unique.  You may have a situation where you are torn between giving up on the relationship or making an ultimatum.  I recommend that you bring this concern to therapy.  Maybe you will see the best option for you with the help of someone who can see your situation from an objective standpoint.       

Nonetheless, this is about making a last stand in your relationship.  If you believe there is something about it that you want to see a change in, here are a few tips on how to determine if your situation is worthy of an ultimatum:*

  1. You are determined to stick by what you decide when the ultimatum is not met.  If you are not able to stick with your ultimatum, it will likely not be taken seriously by your partner.    
  2. This is about one issue alone.  It does not involve a number of steps or changes that have to happen over time.  If your complaint behind your ultimatum is the way he handles household chores, then this may not be a place to make an ultimatum.  This is because it involves a habit that will require time and patience to change.  These will need moment to moment awareness on the part of your partner.  Examples of one issue decisions may involve physical or verbal abuse of you or any member of your family, infidelity, or addictions that have gotten in the way of your relationship. 
  3. The change you are after involves a short time frame.  This is an elaboration of the previous point.  Anything that may require an indeterminate amount of time, is likely not a condition for an ultimatum.    
  4. The partner giving the ultimatum is not pressured to decide.  It is not a game for the person making the ultimatum.  It is rather a difficult and painful process to experience.  You are not playing a game of chicken with your partner.  This pains you to make.  It is not a way for you to gain leverage in your relationship.
  5. The ultimatum will ultimately be for the benefit of the partners involved as well as the people around them.  It can start off a change for the betterment of the relationship or for each of the couple.  Examples of these would be deciding on getting married or not, having kids, getting therapy to address some of the more pressing concerns that could be a reason for ending the relationship as enumerated earlier.

Remember for as long as you have not left the relationship, you are already making a decision to stay.  In the meantime, you are left to your own devices to live out those moments.  If there is one great advice I can give you as you contemplate on whether you should leave or make a final stand, it would have to come from Viktor Frankl who wrote:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Ask yourself, when you look back to these moments when you made a decision to set an ultimatum, would you know that you’ve done what is consistent with your deepest parts?  If your answer is a yes, then go for it.    

*Source: Reconcilable Differences by Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson

What to do after an affair

by Nathan Chua

This is intended to be a first aid kit for those who are going through a difficult discovery of an affair.  Please note that this is not a substitute for seeking professional help.  Affairs are situations that would likely require trained assistance.  Some who have taken such events lightly or have let these incidents slip by, often end up having to deal with it later with loads of pent up emotions that make it even harder to recover from. 

I am not sure if I ever had a blog post that enumerates a list of do’s and don’ts when it comes to dealing with cheating in committed relationships, particularly because applying such rules can at times do more harm to an already struggling relationship.  Let me emphasize to you, my audience, that I am listing them here not because I want to give you easy answers to your situation.  It is exactly that your situations are unique that I want you to take these tips with a grain of salt.  I am showing you a list of rules that can generally apply to most cases of betrayal without having the paradoxical effect of the couple ending up fighting about the rules instead of facing the problems affecting the relationship.  

Tip 1:  Know where responsibility lies

  • It is often that the hurt partner puts the full blame of the affair on the participating partner.  Yes, that is a fact that the affair or the recourse to an affair is the sole responsibility of the participating partner.  There is no excuse for an affair even as there are major problems in the relationship.  However, the difficulties in the relationship is the responsibility of both the partners.  We all have reasons for our behavior but they are not to be considered excuses.  Providing excuses can lead to the participating partner to blame the relationship for the affair, and for the hurt partner to justify their past behaviors in the relationship.  Reasons are different from excuses or justifications for either partner.   

Tip 2:  Problem-solve in the immediate aftermath

  • You and your partner may decide to live separately for the meantime if situations at home become too difficult to handle.  This could either be because you have a tendency to escalate or are afraid of how your escalations can affect your children.
  • You may want to get yourselves checked for possible sexually transmitted diseases.  
  • Couples are free to decide if the relationship is worth keeping but making a decision in an emotionally charged state may not be in their best interest.  Delay such decisions until you have returned to calmer emotional states.
  • Withhold conversations about the affair until you are in therapy.  Early on, it may be too much of a stretch for couples to know how to handle the problem without escalating.  Remember, what we want is for couples to move forward in their relationship rather than take steps that bring them to even more hurtful conversations.  Bring these conversations to the counseling room with your therapist.

Tip 3:  What questions to ask and how for the hurt partner

  • It is understandable that the injured partner will resort to questions fraught with accusations and harsh criticisms towards the participating partner.  Focus on what you want to know and tell your partner why that is important to you.  Let your partner know that this is part of the process of moving on rather than a way of punishing your partner.  There are tendencies for the injured partner to ask rhetorical and often sarcastic questions to their partners.  It is advisable that you make factual disclosures and revelations of your underlying softer emotions of fear and anxiety towards the possibility that this could happen again. 

This will be all for now.  For part two of this post, I will be discussing what the participating partner can say or do that can help in the moving on process.  It will also involve how partners can deal with future challenges that can happen if the participating partner is still able to remain in touch with the affair partner.  Another common question is, “Is it okay for the hurt partner to confront the affair partner?”  See you in the next blog!

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How to create lasting change in your relationship: Video!

How to create lasting change in your relationship

by Nathan Chua

There was a time in my practice as a counselor that I thought working on a relationship only required learning skills of communication that anyone can practice.  Well, nothing has changed until this very day except for the realization that the skills have to come with a motivation that creates lasting rather than fleeting change.  In my continuing search for what truly works for my clients, I have always been watchful of signs that tell me if what I do works or otherwise.  From my over-a-decade’s experience dealing with couples, I have gone through multiple approaches that I thought were the holy grail of couples therapy.  They all seemed to make sense.  One of the approaches involved highly emotionally charged sessions that got into the deepest feelings that have thus far remained unseen by the couple.  The other approaches involved learning skills on how to communicate better and keep couples from spiraling into their usual patterns of unending arguments.

It turns out that I would find both of these approaches to make sense but also knew that there were areas that needed to be addressed.  It was only until I found a way to marry these two approaches that I sensed an end to my search.  Well, at least until a time comes when a better approach is discovered.  While digging into deeper emotions was important, constantly employing this approach can prove rather exhausting for the couple as well as the counselor.  Realistically, people don’t get into heavy conversations about their deeper emotions on a day-to-day basis.  

On the other hand, with the skills training approach, couples can be very imprecise with their ways of handling conflicts.  It is hard to always be accurately following rules of engagement.  Moreover, this technique coming from an expert can mean that couples are motivated more by complying with what the therapist is telling them to do or following rules outside of context sometimes, and end up fighting about these rules.  

I found an approach that blends these two rather seamlessly.  Something that has to do with exposing the deeper emotions that are difficult to show, and at the same time developing skills that can be practiced not just because that is what the couple learns from therapy but rather because they feel empathy towards each other. 

It is about guiding the couple rather than following an imprimatur from the therapist.  It is allowing them to discover what they can adapt as their own, because let’s face it, not every interaction that a couple does ends up in a wreck.  They would have had at least a few conversations that worked in the past without any instructions from therapy.  The rule only requires that couples be more observant of these successful instances in the past that don’t get noticed, repeated, and turned into habits of course.  

So rather than teaching couples about what to say or do, it is more a process of discovery or trial and error.  In addition to this, couples learn how to make disclosures that create empathy rather than defensiveness.  It is part of our nature as social beings to have a sense of empathy towards another if only the words or gestures exchanged create room for safety and bonding.  It is one thing to say that your partner is insensitive to your needs and another to say that you feel hurt when your partner behaves in a certain way in a given situation.  Disclosing your vulnerable feelings over attacking your partner will usually influence your partner to feel empathic and act accordingly. 

Lasting change usually happens when the motivations for change are not just about what couples learned from their therapist in the counseling room, or what they read in some self-help articles or books, lasting change comes from caring.  That’s the part that happens when couples learn to feel safe enough to share their deeper, softer feelings.  A metaphor that I often use for couples is that of a child who rants and throws a fit in order to get its way.  Parents would then panic and address the fit rather than what it is that was causing the fit in the first place.  A child, though, that learns to speak about its fears rather than its frustrations, would more likely have that fear addressed by a compassionate attentive parent.  A pouting child would normally get a defensive reaction, while a fearful child would probably get attention.  The former would usually end up being, at best, disciplined, and at worst coerced by the adult parents into behaving properly, while the latter would likely end up with getting assurance and affirmation.  In summary, lasting change comes not just from learning skills, but more so from caring for the other.  The other half of it is becoming more aware of what approaches you do with your partner that evoke caring and which ones lead you back to square one. 

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