Tag: Marriage Counselor

Do you have irreconcilable differences with your partner?

by Nathan Chua

Couples often wonder how the person they loved has turned into someone they can’t stand at all. Why can’t he be responsible enough to take care of our finances? Why is she so disorganized and impulsive? He seems to care more about his family than he cares about me. I’m bored in this relationship. My partner doesn’t care about what I feel. She is too quiet and aloof. I don’t feel any closeness anymore.

Of course, there are legitimate reasons for you to consider leaving your partner such as violence and infidelity. But most couples often say that their issues mostly revolve around their differences. Thus comes the term, irreconcilable differences. What I enumerated in the first paragraph can be summed up in this term that we often hear couples declare as their reason for separating. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that these cannot be legitimate reasons to call it quits. I am in no position to tell you that you should stick to your relationship just because your problems simply fall into this category. And if your partner refuses to seek the help that your relationship could benefit from, then you may have a legitimate reason to find a more meaningful life either without a partner or with someone else.

Herein lies the beauty of Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy or IBCT. One of the details that I look for in couples as I work with them, are the reasons why they fell in love with each other in the first place! Let’s take the complaints that couples bring to the therapy room that I enumerated in the first paragraph.

Contextual Thinking vs. Essential Thinking:

Complaint #1: He’s not responsible enough. He is disorganized and impulsive.

You may have liked the idea that your partner now was, during your dating days, the helpless person who appreciated it everytime you would come to his rescue. Somehow you found a role that was satisfying in this relationship. It could also mean that your partner’s impulsiveness in certain contexts, can be an endearing quality! Why, he would buy me an expensive gift out of nowhere!

Complaint #2: She seems to care more about her family than us.

I think this is one of those issues that couples complain about quite often. Given our culture of being in a context where family is a Filipino’s greatest resource in hard times, is it any wonder that your partner finds it difficult to split loyalties in the context of your relationship?

Complaint #3: I’m bored in this relationship. My partner doesn’t care about what I feel. She is too quiet and aloof. I don’t feel any closeness anymore.

Maybe when you were looking for a partner, there was an attraction to this person’s aloofness. It made this person mysterious and interesting. She is also quite the opposite of the noisy, agitating people you grew up with as a child. Finally, I can have the peaceful and quiet relationship that I was looking for. At the same time, your aloof partner may have liked the idea that you gave him the emotional element in his life. So goes the saying that opposites attract.

IBCT encourages couples to see that their partner will never be everything to them. No couple is one hundred percent compatible. In fact, the chances of you ending up with someone who is incompatible with you is 100 percent! Let’s face it, your partner who goes at a snail’s pace will go at a snail’s pace in situations when this quality can be disadvantageous to facing life’s inevitable problems as you go through it no longer as individuals but as a couple.

So if you are wondering what I mean by contextual vs. essential thinking, your partner and you behave differently in different contexts! Your partner is not essentially a bad person. (Believe me, I have yet to encounter a client who I felt had inherently harmful intentions!) If you come to therapy with the same intention of saving your relationship, it is more likely that you and your partner are doing your best to show that you care and you want your partner to be happy. Your partner is not essentially defective. They just learned to behave in certain ways in certain situations that at times covers other situations that do call for a different behavior!

That’s what IBCT makes you aware of as aspects of your relationship that are better off accepted and may take a long while or even forever to change. If we can learn to notice and accept these so-called irreconcilable differences, chances are, your partner will notice that. And having the minds that we have, I always go back to what Carl Rogers had said many years ago. Let me paraphrase it to apply not just to yourself but also for your partner and your relationship.

The Quote from Carl Rogers:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”

Paraphrase:

“The curious paradox is that when my partner accepts me, just as I am, then I can change.”

ACT Matrix for Anger

Interviewed by Jacob Martinez, ACT Matrix Expert and Professional Counselor from Wisconsin!

Successful But Unsatisfied

by Nathan Chua

Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless?  Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential?  Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do?  Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?

This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT.  The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms.  Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time.  Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:

  • You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
  • You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
  • You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.

If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.

Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:

  • “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?” ​
  • “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?” ​
  • “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”

If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed.  If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.  

Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you:  How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success?  Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child.  Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent.  Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security?  If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life.  It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.  

Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick.  When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction?  If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction.  Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup.  Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.  

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Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen

Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy

I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.

Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ

Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:

Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC

Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E

Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?

by Nathan Chua

It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures.  If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end.  Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority.  In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together.  The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.    

A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds.  It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are.  One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct.  One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.

Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content.  The arguments remain on the surface.  These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did.  You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be.  You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves.  You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner. 

It is hard and I recognize that.  Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship.  You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert. 

There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences.  The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects.  They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you.  In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what?  One hundred percent!

Metaphor:

One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work.  One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend.  Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend.  Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury.  Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury?  Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?

If you are like most people I know, you would.  Why?  Because you love your friend that much.   

One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them.  Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for.  It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past.  Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it.  Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love.  Relish and be mindful of those moments.  Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.

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Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis

by Nathan Chua

I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand.  When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others.  For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line.  These situations don’t usually end up well.  Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.  

Now don’t get me wrong.  Tunnel vision is not always harmful.  There are plenty of times when you and I need it.  If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation.  In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child.  If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive. 

The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest.  A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures.  We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment.  Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.  

On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine.  That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans.  To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.

So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs.  In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem. 

  • Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you.  Is it a heaviness in the chest?  Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders?  Tightness in your head?  Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes.  Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense. 
  • Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this?  Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion. 
  • Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem.  See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts. 
  • Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future?  Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?  
  • See if you can find out why this is so painful for you.  Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear.  Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness.  Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice.  What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?   
  • If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero?  How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?   
  • Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours?  Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these? 
  • If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way?  Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
  • If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them?  What would you suggest they do?
  • You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have.  Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no?  Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person.  Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
  • If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life?  Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.

That’s all for now folks.  Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.

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How humor can save your relationship

by Nathan Chua

We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews.  In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences.  These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.

To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples.  A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts.  One might be slower than the other.  Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others.  This may or may not change in your partner.  They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot.  The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences.  It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with. 

Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences.  Let’s use the example we just used about waiting.  If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them.  See if you can understand what’s behind it.  Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious.  Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship.  You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions.  As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met?  Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other.  Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword.  The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside. 

The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article.  Humor!  First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise.  In other words, have some foresight.  Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly.  A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late.  I promise to keep it at four seconds next time.  I know four is okay, but five is a bit much.  My bad!”  Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone.  I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing.  Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!

If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions.  You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about.  Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits?  Why?  Because that’s what life and relationships are all about.  It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.     

Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week.  It will not drastically change who you are as individuals.  Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners.  They would cry and laugh throughout the wake.  Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided.  It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course. 

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