One Life Only Counseling Services
Center for Recreating, Energizing, Activating, Transforming, and Empowering Lives! – C.R.E.A.T.E.L., Manila!
Nathaniel Chua was recently interviewed about marital sexual consent. He, together with a legal practitioner were the featured resource persons for the article. Click the link below to read the article:
https://philstarlife.com/news-and-views/928796-consent-rape-marriage-explainer
Continuing education about the theory of everything with Dr. Matthieu Villatte. In this online workshop, we learn the philosophy of science behind contextual behavioral science.
They are a-ontology, monism, and pragmatism.
These allow contextual behaviorists to address any problem clients may bring with an open mind and a helping hand.
It is universal and true to our goal of alleviating human suffering and promoting prosperity of one kind, and that is humankind. It also allows us to deal with issues with precision, depth, and scope.
by Nathan Chua
I am writing this not to advocate for any external form of ritual bonding for couples. I have lately ended up telling my clients that neither am I a priest nor a pastor. I am not here to judge what their lives are and what they’re supposed to do or not. I am duty bound to respect anyone who comes to see me for their important questions about their lives. So it doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, straight or non-straight, what ends up mattering in our work is if you are living your life according to your best hopes for your short existence.
Now let’s get on with the topic at hand. How many times have you ended up being in a long(er) term relationship with someone who turns out to be totally different from your own images of what a pair bond is supposed to be? Have you ever heard of people who have jumped from one abusive relationship to another? Here are some tips about knowing if you have someone worth considering in front of you:
Be Mindful, Not Blind:
It is understandable that you may have a shortlist of what you want to look for in a partner. This certainly provides greater probability of success than just random choice. Unfortunately, predicting how you and another human being will do in a close relationship is something that the shortlist will never be able to guarantee. What I am saying here is that people are unique and can hardly be summarized in a short checklist. No matter how long this list will be, not one person can match everything that you want.
Getting to know someone is pretty much like learning how to ride a bike, swim, or even walk! There is no instruction manual good enough or long enough to tell you how to do these activities. And so it is with relationships! You won’t really get to know a person thoroughly by just comparing them to a checklist of qualities. Why? Because all behavior happens in context. It’s easy to think about a person’s behavioral choices in a vacuum. We usually do not appreciate the contexts in which these behaviors happen and blindly follow rules that end up with well, blind choices. Your potential mate may be nice in a date, but what are they like in traffic or stressful situations?
There are certainly good reasons why we should trust our minds when it comes to fending off a virus or an infection. But trusting our logical minds to fend off the difficult feelings, thoughts, and memories that we experience in relationships, is a route towards possibly worse outcomes. I often use an example of how our problem-solving minds are an absolute gift. Mosquitoes are some of the worst threats to our health. Without our problem-solving minds, we would not learn to slap them dead on our arms or invent a lotion to repel them. We are quick to apply the same kind of problem-solving skill to our feelings and thoughts. The bad news is there is no slap strong enough to keep your feelings away, nor is there an off lotion version that works to remove our unpleasant internal experiences. If there was, please tell me. Unless it’s some sort of drug or substance that sedates you, then feel free to reach me so I can take these substances myself. I don’t think living a life numbed out or sedated is what I bargained for.
Why is this worth mentioning? Well, in a relationship your logical, sensical mind will tell you that your partner should never arouse any difficult feelings. So, good luck with that if you aren’t mindful enough to notice the rule inside your head. Relationships come with feelings. In fact, you wouldn’t be in a relationship if it meant you were just going to be half awake all the time. You’re there to feel something moving and purposeful. You’re not there for a stale lifeless existence! So be mindful of what you see in your partner in different situations. See if you share the same hopes and cherished values.
Keep in Touch with your Feelings:
As you spend time with a person, you would probably get a sense of what it feels like to be in their company. Do you feel a sense of loneliness? Maybe you are with someone who is preoccupied with themselves; they hardly hear what you have to contribute. Do you feel incensed or angered that this person can’t make a commitment to arrive on time or do as they promise to do? Maybe this person is lacking in empathy and consideration.
If you are one of those who jump from one abusive relationship to another, then maybe it’s time for you to step back and listen to your feelings. Maybe you are so tunnel-visioned into thinking what story your mind is creating about your long term relationship. Maybe it’s time to wake up and check your feelings when you are with this person.
I remember a story of the character of Lt. Dan in the movie Forrest Gump. He, like all of us, created a story of his fate after the Vietnam war. He wanted to die in war just like his war hero ancestors. Just as you and I know, sometimes life happens however. In his case, Gump happened…to save him from his inevitable passing as a war hero. Unable to reconcile his experience with the story his mind wanted to create, he lived his life purposefully wasting his time fighting the memory or thoughts of an opportunity lost with the amputated legs serving as a constant reminder of a missed opportunity to fulfill his mind’s vision of a destiny. In the end, he realized that he can still be the hero unto himself; the one who harbored a hope of living his life without his amputated legs but with much purpose as just Dan, the man, who may not be the war hero he dreamt of becoming, but a person of worth nonetheless.
Just as Lt. Dan started to let go of his grand story of what he wants about his life, maybe you also can hold these love stories lightly, and see if this person is worth your time and love.
AI Lover? Interview with Evan Tarinque of One PH News regarding having an artificial intelligence lover.
Listen to this on Spotify:
by Nathan Chua
The School Play:
I remember some of the most fun I had back in my school days, was when we had to do role plays. Not just any other role play, but actually create a skit as a medium to learn. There’s also very little pressure as these were done in front of a class only and not a major production wherein a whole auditorium of students were there to watch.
My Louis Vuitton Story:
I once entered an LV store in Metro Manila, and scoured through some of the merchandise. As I was doing that, I noticed the attentiveness of the sales people as there were hardly any people around who were shopping. I looked at some items that I thought were very impressive and their price tags. As I was on my way out, I said, “I love your products but I can’t afford any of them!”
Walking around with plastic buckets:
Have you ever had a time when you and your friends went out and knew that you were all going to do something rather unconventional and at times downright embarrassing? Of course, always in the spirit of good clean fun. Well, I am one of those who has gone out with a group of my high school male friends wearing clothes that should only belong to the home, carrying plastic buckets and brooms, and going inside a mall to deposit the stuff we had at the front of the department store where people usually leave their shopping items.
Ordering a siopao at Mcdo:
When I am in a fast food restaurant, I sometimes order something obviously unserious at the counter. For what reason? Nothing just for fun! As the heading for this paragraph tells you, I have in the past ordered the Jollibee Chicken Joy at a McDonald’s restaurant!
Which leads me to how I got to think about writing something like this for all of you. When I did those I did not know anything about contextual behavioral science. About a couple of weeks ago, I found an online audio resource created by Steven Hayes, the developer of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and RFT (Relational Frame Theory). He shared one of the ways we can pop that bubble or illusion that says we do what we think, by doing exactly what I had been doing sporadically since oh, high school? I hadn’t realized doing these crazy things weren’t just fun, they were also about letting go of some of the rules that we tend to sell our lives to! What I was doing was letting go of the rules that shackled me from pursuing what would be psychologically risky, but at the same time liberating. I can choose to be how I want to be at any given moment!
This article reminds me of my father. He was a good but also misunderstood man. Believe me, I was one of those who did. He had always been a businessman who inherited a family business. Through decades of working in the business, he could not manage to make a sizable profit. He found himself mired in debt until the day he passed. There was one skill that we, his kids, thought that could have made him a world-class cartoonist. We saw some of his drawings of caricatures of his friends with a pen! His every line had a precision that he didn’t need a pencil to make his initial sketch. Awesome talent that was never discovered nor shared with more people because he thought he couldn’t.
Are you living with can’ts, shoulds, musts in your life? Yeah they sure feel safe, but do they make you feel alive? Doing what your mind tells you you can’t, is a part of the exercise towards breaking that bubble. That bubble that says you can’t get out of that family business that is so comfortably limiting. That bubble that says you can’t do this or that. Don’t get me wrong, it is not my intention to tell you that anyone can be anything. We all do have limits. The question is, have you tested the limits and seen how liberating it can be on that side where your mind says no, you can’t. And maybe you can just, by doing these silly things for nothing, be you, and no one else but you!
