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Going Inside Your Grieving

by Nathan Chua

If there is one facet of our internal lives that can be quite a puzzle to many, it could be grieving.  This is a part of life that can be difficult to understand.  It’s one of life’s mysteries.  Many faiths have come about in order to explain the reality of our own finitude.  In therapy, there are millions out there seeking help for this process that has so often been misunderstood.  Frequently, much of the struggles come from how the grieving process is supposed to happen.  Here are some examples of the puzzlement in question form:  There must be something wrong with me for not “grieving” the loss as much as others I know.  Why can’t I get rid of the guilt so easily just as everyone around me has been advising me to do?  Of course, there is also that most common difficulty of all, why can’t I seem to get over it as quickly as some of the people I know?  Will this pain last forever? 

Some of the misconceptions about grieving is that all of us have to go through a series of stages in order to qualify our process as “normal grief.”  As with many other areas in life, we tend to compare ourselves with the people we share moments with.  As a consequence of this inevitable mental process of comparing, it is understandable that we would feel guilt whether we go through the stages more or less quickly than others.  Or if we have reached complete acceptance or not, which is what most construe to be the final stage of grieving.  

Another misconception about grieving is that it involves just one feeling, which is what is expected, sadness.  Many can question themselves if they don’t feel as much sadness as expected.  Grieving involves multiple emotions and not just sadness.  Depending on your relationship with the person you had lost, you can feel anything from a longing for the departed one or a sense of relief that the person is no longer there.  And of course, everything in between.  It is not a sign of being abnormal for you to think that the loss provided some relief from the past abuses that a close member of the family had brought.  Feelings are not there for us to command.  You and I can’t just will ourselves to feel a certain way.  However our problem-solving, comfort-seeking, overeager and logical minds believe that to be true.  Our minds are very good tools for eliminating discomfort.  But our feelings are not an inconvenience or like mosquitoes that we can just kill off with a slap of our hands.  Our feelings tell us that we have lost someone we cared for very deeply, or on the other extreme, someone who might have caused much pain in our life,       

Another thing our minds do is comparing.  One thing that we fail to do when we focus on comparisons as we rush ourselves out of the process, or when we rant about the what if’s, is what I indicated in the title of this article.  In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we frequently help move people to look inside their pain just as we do for our own.  Within our pain, there could be a gift that we don’t see.  The gift of really loving and caring for another.  I often ask my grieving clients to shift their perspective by imagining someone who comes to them with a similar loss and says that the experience is of no consequence to them emotionally.  Would you be more or less worried about this person?    

And what do I mean about going inside our grief?  As I had indicated earlier in this piece, it is learning more about what is behind the pain.  This is part of our humanity.  The pain is part of what makes us deeply love and care while a person walks among us.  

Finally, there is probably something about the departed one that you treasure most.  Something that this loved one has taught you through their life,  Here’s one exercise you can do.  Write down all the wonderful things you experienced and learned from this person, and imagine this person sitting there beside you and you were reading this out loud to them.  What do you think this person would feel or say about what you just wrote or read for them?  And then ask yourself another important question.  Must this be that person’s legacy?  If your answer is yes, then what can you do to honor that?

And then look through what you have done in the past weeks, months or days, do these things that you do reflect a sense of honoring the life of this person who meant so much to you?  If not, then maybe it’s time to do something else that will.  You may end up doing something that involves either getting out of the pain, or carrying your pain with you while you live out a life worthy of your loved one’s legacy.  

When is it time to end a relationship or set an ultimatum?

by Nathan Chua

One of the toughest decisions to make in a relationship is when you think enough is enough.  I have seen quite a few clients agonizing over what to do with their partners.  Is this issue enough of a reason to remove oneself from the situation?  Am I doing what I think will be best for us or my family by ending it?  Is it just me who is being impatient?

Before I go on though, there are situations where giving up on a relationship may be called for.  For one, if you end up in a violent relationship where your life is in danger or your kids’ safety both physically and emotionally are at stake, leaving might be your best option.  You might also be in a situation where there is repetitive cheating that is emotionally untenable and also endangers your physical well-being.  When I say physical well-being, I am referring to chances of you becoming infected by a sexually transmissible disease.  Perhaps there is substance abuse involved that makes it impossible to have a meaningful connection with your partner.  Ending a relationship may even be more tenable if your partner is unwilling to seek therapy for violent behavior, cheating, substance abuse or a mental health concern.   

Another caveat before you continue with this post or vlog, every couple is unique.  You may have a situation where you are torn between giving up on the relationship or making an ultimatum.  I recommend that you bring this concern to therapy.  Maybe you will see the best option for you with the help of someone who can see your situation from an objective standpoint.       

Nonetheless, this is about making a last stand in your relationship.  If you believe there is something about it that you want to see a change in, here are a few tips on how to determine if your situation is worthy of an ultimatum:*

  1. You are determined to stick by what you decide when the ultimatum is not met.  If you are not able to stick with your ultimatum, it will likely not be taken seriously by your partner.    
  2. This is about one issue alone.  It does not involve a number of steps or changes that have to happen over time.  If your complaint behind your ultimatum is the way he handles household chores, then this may not be a place to make an ultimatum.  This is because it involves a habit that will require time and patience to change.  These will need moment to moment awareness on the part of your partner.  Examples of one issue decisions may involve physical or verbal abuse of you or any member of your family, infidelity, or addictions that have gotten in the way of your relationship. 
  3. The change you are after involves a short time frame.  This is an elaboration of the previous point.  Anything that may require an indeterminate amount of time, is likely not a condition for an ultimatum.    
  4. The partner giving the ultimatum is not pressured to decide.  It is not a game for the person making the ultimatum.  It is rather a difficult and painful process to experience.  You are not playing a game of chicken with your partner.  This pains you to make.  It is not a way for you to gain leverage in your relationship.
  5. The ultimatum will ultimately be for the benefit of the partners involved as well as the people around them.  It can start off a change for the betterment of the relationship or for each of the couple.  Examples of these would be deciding on getting married or not, having kids, getting therapy to address some of the more pressing concerns that could be a reason for ending the relationship as enumerated earlier.

Remember for as long as you have not left the relationship, you are already making a decision to stay.  In the meantime, you are left to your own devices to live out those moments.  If there is one great advice I can give you as you contemplate on whether you should leave or make a final stand, it would have to come from Viktor Frankl who wrote:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Ask yourself, when you look back to these moments when you made a decision to set an ultimatum, would you know that you’ve done what is consistent with your deepest parts?  If your answer is a yes, then go for it.    

*Source: Reconcilable Differences by Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson

The Two-Step Anger

by Nathan Chua

“Let’s slow down here for a moment.”  These are some words you would often hear me say to my clients.  It sounds like a weird request.  I can almost hear the client mumbling inside, “What does slowing down have anything to do with counseling?  I am here to get some kind of resolution to my concerns and I only have just under an hour to talk about it!”

A big part of mindfulness-based therapies like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is developing the capacity to slow things down.  If we follow the news, we’d see how fast our minds work and how critical it is to slow down.  We might have been witness to some incidents where a cop who has had a spotless record, all of a sudden commits a violent crime that upends a lifetime’s work and dedication.  How does this happen?  Well, I guess a more apt question to ask is “How quickly does this happen?”  It’s a split second between our thoughts and actions.  Unfortunately, without the functional understanding of what mindfulness is all about, it is easy to equate our feelings with bad behavior.  I use bad behavior here because growing up, we normally get messages like, “Don’t get angry at your sister!”  The statement implies that anger is something that inevitably leads to harmful results.  In other words, anger predetermines hurtful behaviors.  If put this way, it begins to sound a bit silly right?  We cannot be exonerated for hurting someone physically simply by saying, “I just couldn’t help it.  My feelings took over me.”      

The problem with treating anger as if it were a bad emotion is it often ends up with a paradoxical effect of actually making us even more victimized by our own emotions.  How many times have you and I heard statements like, “Won’t you do the same thing if you had to deal with such a stupid person?”  Our minds love to give us reasons for what we do because without the ability to reason, we would not be able to solve our day-to-day problems.  For example, reasoning can tell us that if we stay long enough under the sun in sweltering conditions, it can cause us to suffer a heat stroke.  That reasoning ability is useful in that context.  Unfortunately, if we use it with our anger, we can draw a conclusion that our anger can cause us to “feel bad” (like being baked under the sun) and consequently make moves to remove the anger from our system by hitting someone or yelling and screaming.  Causation is logical and can be helpful for us to know how we can avoid external threats, but when applied to internal threats like emotions and thoughts, it can cause us to do things that do not match our deepest aspirations for ourselves.  

So how do we handle our emotions of anger?  Doesn’t spewing it out or running away from the contexts that produce our anger make sense?  Yes, it does work at times.  We can remove ourselves from the company of people who hurt us.  But sometimes the very same people who can hurt us, are the same ones we care about deeply.  And although we can say that staying away from such people who instigate our anger can be effective, there will always be situations when we meet other people who remind us of the same people we try to avoid.  There is that old ACT saying that goes, “Where are you gonna go, where your thoughts don’t go.”  

So here’s my tip for dealing with anger, think of it as a two-step process.  There is that familiar feeling of anger, and that split second reaction that we do in the face of anger.  If we can slow down and notice what just happened to trigger our anger, what we do in the presence of our anger, and the consequences of such, then we have had a mindful moment.  Another mindful practice is to just notice the anger for what it is.  It is something that we experience, not what we are.  

Then we go on to noticing or minding what is important for us in those moments.  What do we want to be about in those challenging moments?  Are we going to do what our minds tell us will get us out of the angry feelings, or are we going to stay with the anger and still be what we set out to be in those moments?  In other words, we as humans are capable of long-term thinking and seeing the bigger picture.  If something or someone truly matters to us, then all else can fade into the background.  We can stay grounded and be kind to the people that we love, who can also be the very people who can make us feel angry.  Mindfulness of values tells us that there’s something more important here than just trying to get rid of the angry feelings we have.  Like maybe your most cherished relationship is on the line…and it’s all worth the pain of anger.  Pause, slow down, stay with it, and be kind.