“Hi, this is Nathan again. Today I want to answer a simple but important question: How does humor actually help couples? I’ll be sharing from the lens of Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, or IBCT.”
“One of IBCT’s goals is what we call unified detachment. Instead of blaming each other, couples step back and look at the problem together — like scientists observing a pattern.
Humor is one of the best ways to do this. When couples laugh at how predictable their fights are, the problem becomes something they face together, not something that divides them.
For example, instead of saying, ‘You’re always late, you don’t care about me,’ one partner might joke, ‘If lateness were an Olympic sport, you’d win gold.’
That moment of laughter changes the energy. Suddenly, it’s not me versus you — it’s us versus this quirky pattern.”
“Second, humor reduces defensiveness. Couples can get stuck in cycles of criticism and withdrawal. A light, well-timed comment can soften the tone and break the cycle before it escalates.
It’s like putting a pin in a balloon before it bursts. Humor diffuses the tension so the conversation can continue in a gentler way.”
“Third, humor helps with acceptance. In IBCT, we encourage couples to not just push for change, but to also accept differences with warmth.
For example, instead of demanding, ‘Stop worrying so much,’ a partner might smile and say, ‘If worrying burned calories, you’d be the fittest person alive.’
That’s not an insult — it’s a playful way of saying, ‘This is how you are sometimes, and I see it with love.’
Humor makes quirks feel more tolerable, more human.”
“And lastly, humor strengthens intimacy. Shared laughter creates bonding. It reminds couples, ‘Hey, we’re in this together.’
In IBCT terms, it turns recurring struggles into part of their unique story, not proof that they’re incompatible. That sense of togetherness makes it easier to work on change later, because the bond feels strong.”
“So, to summarize, from an IBCT perspective, humor helps couples by:
1. Helping them see problems as ours, not yours.
2. Reducing defensiveness.
3. Opening the door to acceptance.
4. Strengthening intimacy and bonding.
Of course, the key is that humor must be gentle and shared — laughing with, not laughing at. Used wisely, humor is one of the most powerful tools to bring couples closer together.
Thanks for watching. If you found this helpful, feel free to share it with someone who could use a little lightness in their relationship.”
ACT at the Movie! Shawshank Redemption Welcome to ACT at the Movies. This is a series where we take some of the world’s most memorable films and look at them through the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—or ACT for short. Now, just a quick caveat: I’m not saying these movies were written with ACT in mind. But what ACT offers us is a scientific framework—a way of understanding resilience, meaning, and growth—that shows up in the stories we love. Movies capture the struggles and choices that make us human. ACT helps us see the science behind why those struggles matter, and how people find the strength to move forward. So grab your popcorn, and let’s dive in. #onelifeonlycounseling#counselingphilippines#counseling#fyp#foryou
This is a series where we take some of the world’s most memorable films and look at them through the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—or ACT for short.
Now, just a quick caveat: I’m not saying these movies were written with ACT in mind. But what ACT offers us is a scientific framework—a way of understanding resilience, meaning, and growth—that shows up in the stories we love.
Movies capture the struggles and choices that make us human. ACT helps us see the science behind why those struggles matter, and how people find the strength to move forward.
So grab your popcorn, and let’s dive in.
Before I begin, let me make a quick caveat. I’m not here to say that the writers, directors, or actors of The Shawshank Redemption were in any way informed by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—or ACT. Rather, what I want to share is how ACT, as a scientific model of therapy, gives us a framework to understand something timeless: human resilience.
The Shawshank Redemption is often remembered for hope. “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things,” as Andy says. But when we look through the ACT lens, what we actually see are processes of psychological flexibility—the capacity to stay present, open up to difficult emotions, and move toward what matters, even in the hardest of circumstances.
Acceptance & Willingness Andy is wrongly imprisoned, and his suffering is immense. A purely control-based strategy—fighting, resisting, shutting down—could have consumed him. Instead, he embodies acceptance. He allows the pain of his situation to be there, while still choosing to act with dignity and purpose.
This doesn’t mean approval or passivity. Acceptance in ACT means dropping the struggle with emotions we can’t eliminate, and instead putting energy into what we can build.
Values as Compass Andy’s values are freedom, justice, and friendship. Those values guide him through years of confinement. His work in the library, his mentorship of Tommy, his efforts to bring dignity to the prisoners—all of these flow from what matters to him most.
ACT teaches us that when life narrows, values can open a path forward. Even in a prison cell, Andy lives by a compass bigger than his circumstances.
Defusion from Thoughts Red, Andy’s closest friend, often voices thoughts of despair: “Hope is a dangerous thing. It can drive a man insane.” Those are believable, sticky thoughts, especially in prison. Yet ACT invites us to notice thoughts as thoughts—not literal truths that must dictate our actions.
Andy doesn’t deny the despair, but he doesn’t fuse with it either. He chooses to hold hope lightly, and act on it, rather than be consumed by thoughts of hopelessness.
Committed Action The most iconic example: Andy’s years of digging through the prison wall. He doesn’t know when—or if—he will succeed. But each day, with patience and persistence, he takes committed action aligned with his values. That’s psychological flexibility in practice: consistent steps, even when outcomes are uncertain.
One of the most powerful but often overlooked parts of Andy’s story is how he responds to sexual abuse in prison. The film doesn’t sensationalize it, but it shows us enough to know that Andy suffered deeply at the hands of others.
What stands out is that he doesn’t let this experience define him. He doesn’t collapse into despair, he doesn’t wallow in self-pity, and he doesn’t passively allow the abuse to strip away his dignity. Instead, Andy keeps moving. He resists where he can, he protects his sense of self, and he continues to build toward freedom.
From an ACT perspective, this is a striking example of committed action. The pain was real, the trauma was real, but Andy chose not to let it dictate the direction of his life. He kept moving toward his values—dignity, freedom, and hope—even in the harshest of conditions.
That’s the heart of psychological flexibility: not the absence of suffering, but the courage to keep walking toward what matters, even in the darkest circumstances.
Closing Reflection So when we look at The Shawshank Redemption through the lens of ACT, we see a scientific framework for resilience. Acceptance of pain. Defusion from despairing thoughts. Values as a compass. Committed action, step by step, toward freedom.
It’s not that Andy or Red were “ACT-informed.” But ACT helps us understand why their story resonates so deeply: it reflects universal processes of human growth and survival.
If you enjoyed this reflection, I’ll be doing more short talks on ACT and movies—exploring how science and storytelling come together to show us what resilience looks like. Thanks for watching.
Erratum: B.F. Skinner did write on page 156 of his novel Walden 2 his desire for a society that does not give special honor to members of the community through the words of Frazier. Here’s part of the quote:
“We are opposed to personal competition. We don’t encourage competitive games…We never mark any member for special approbation…A triumph over another man is never a laudable act. Our decision to eliminate personal aggrandizement arose quite naturally from the fact that we were thinking about the whole group. We do not see how the group could gain from individual glory.”
I am writing this not to advocate for any external form of ritual bonding for couples. I have lately ended up telling my clients that neither am I a priest nor a pastor. I am not here to judge what their lives are and what they’re supposed to do or not. I am duty bound to respect anyone who comes to see me for their important questions about their lives. So it doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, straight or non-straight, what ends up mattering in our work is if you are living your life according to your best hopes for your short existence.
Now let’s get on with the topic at hand. How many times have you ended up being in a long(er) term relationship with someone who turns out to be totally different from your own images of what a pair bond is supposed to be? Have you ever heard of people who have jumped from one abusive relationship to another? Here are some tips about knowing if you have someone worth considering in front of you:
Be Mindful, Not Blind:
It is understandable that you may have a shortlist of what you want to look for in a partner. This certainly provides greater probability of success than just random choice. Unfortunately, predicting how you and another human being will do in a close relationship is something that the shortlist will never be able to guarantee. What I am saying here is that people are unique and can hardly be summarized in a short checklist. No matter how long this list will be, not one person can match everything that you want.
Getting to know someone is pretty much like learning how to ride a bike, swim, or even walk! There is no instruction manual good enough or long enough to tell you how to do these activities. And so it is with relationships! You won’t really get to know a person thoroughly by just comparing them to a checklist of qualities. Why? Because all behavior happens in context. It’s easy to think about a person’s behavioral choices in a vacuum. We usually do not appreciate the contexts in which these behaviors happen and blindly follow rules that end up with well, blind choices. Your potential mate may be nice in a date, but what are they like in traffic or stressful situations?
There are certainly good reasons why we should trust our minds when it comes to fending off a virus or an infection. But trusting our logical minds to fend off the difficult feelings, thoughts, and memories that we experience in relationships, is a route towards possibly worse outcomes. I often use an example of how our problem-solving minds are an absolute gift. Mosquitoes are some of the worst threats to our health. Without our problem-solving minds, we would not learn to slap them dead on our arms or invent a lotion to repel them. We are quick to apply the same kind of problem-solving skill to our feelings and thoughts. The bad news is there is no slap strong enough to keep your feelings away, nor is there an off lotion version that works to remove our unpleasant internal experiences. If there was, please tell me. Unless it’s some sort of drug or substance that sedates you, then feel free to reach me so I can take these substances myself. I don’t think living a life numbed out or sedated is what I bargained for.
Why is this worth mentioning? Well, in a relationship your logical, sensical mind will tell you that your partner should never arouse any difficult feelings. So, good luck with that if you aren’t mindful enough to notice the rule inside your head. Relationships come with feelings. In fact, you wouldn’t be in a relationship if it meant you were just going to be half awake all the time. You’re there to feel something moving and purposeful. You’re not there for a stale lifeless existence! So be mindful of what you see in your partner in different situations. See if you share the same hopes and cherished values.
Keep in Touch with your Feelings:
As you spend time with a person, you would probably get a sense of what it feels like to be in their company. Do you feel a sense of loneliness? Maybe you are with someone who is preoccupied with themselves; they hardly hear what you have to contribute. Do you feel incensed or angered that this person can’t make a commitment to arrive on time or do as they promise to do? Maybe this person is lacking in empathy and consideration.
If you are one of those who jump from one abusive relationship to another, then maybe it’s time for you to step back and listen to your feelings. Maybe you are so tunnel-visioned into thinking what story your mind is creating about your long term relationship. Maybe it’s time to wake up and check your feelings when you are with this person.
I remember a story of the character of Lt. Dan in the movie Forrest Gump. He, like all of us, created a story of his fate after the Vietnam war. He wanted to die in war just like his war hero ancestors. Just as you and I know, sometimes life happens however. In his case, Gump happened…to save him from his inevitable passing as a war hero. Unable to reconcile his experience with the story his mind wanted to create, he lived his life purposefully wasting his time fighting the memory or thoughts of an opportunity lost with the amputated legs serving as a constant reminder of a missed opportunity to fulfill his mind’s vision of a destiny. In the end, he realized that he can still be the hero unto himself; the one who harbored a hope of living his life without his amputated legs but with much purpose as just Dan, the man, who may not be the war hero he dreamt of becoming, but a person of worth nonetheless.
Just as Lt. Dan started to let go of his grand story of what he wants about his life, maybe you also can hold these love stories lightly, and see if this person is worth your time and love.
