by Nathan Chua
There was a time in my practice as a counselor that I thought working on a relationship only required learning skills of communication that anyone can practice. Well, nothing has changed until this very day except for the realization that the skills have to come with a motivation that creates lasting rather than fleeting change. In my continuing search for what truly works for my clients, I have always been watchful of signs that tell me if what I do works or otherwise. From my over-a-decade’s experience dealing with couples, I have gone through multiple approaches that I thought were the holy grail of couples therapy. They all seemed to make sense. One of the approaches involved highly emotionally charged sessions that got into the deepest feelings that have thus far remained unseen by the couple. The other approaches involved learning skills on how to communicate better and keep couples from spiraling into their usual patterns of unending arguments.
It turns out that I would find both of these approaches to make sense but also knew that there were areas that needed to be addressed. It was only until I found a way to marry these two approaches that I sensed an end to my search. Well, at least until a time comes when a better approach is discovered. While digging into deeper emotions was important, constantly employing this approach can prove rather exhausting for the couple as well as the counselor. Realistically, people don’t get into heavy conversations about their deeper emotions on a day-to-day basis.
On the other hand, with the skills training approach, couples can be very imprecise with their ways of handling conflicts. It is hard to always be accurately following rules of engagement. Moreover, this technique coming from an expert can mean that couples are motivated more by complying with what the therapist is telling them to do or following rules outside of context sometimes, and end up fighting about these rules.
I found an approach that blends these two rather seamlessly. Something that has to do with exposing the deeper emotions that are difficult to show, and at the same time developing skills that can be practiced not just because that is what the couple learns from therapy but rather because they feel empathy towards each other.
It is about guiding the couple rather than following an imprimatur from the therapist. It is allowing them to discover what they can adapt as their own, because let’s face it, not every interaction that a couple does ends up in a wreck. They would have had at least a few conversations that worked in the past without any instructions from therapy. The rule only requires that couples be more observant of these successful instances in the past that don’t get noticed, repeated, and turned into habits of course.
So rather than teaching couples about what to say or do, it is more a process of discovery or trial and error. In addition to this, couples learn how to make disclosures that create empathy rather than defensiveness. It is part of our nature as social beings to have a sense of empathy towards another if only the words or gestures exchanged create room for safety and bonding. It is one thing to say that your partner is insensitive to your needs and another to say that you feel hurt when your partner behaves in a certain way in a given situation. Disclosing your vulnerable feelings over attacking your partner will usually influence your partner to feel empathic and act accordingly.
Lasting change usually happens when the motivations for change are not just about what couples learned from their therapist in the counseling room, or what they read in some self-help articles or books, lasting change comes from caring. That’s the part that happens when couples learn to feel safe enough to share their deeper, softer feelings. A metaphor that I often use for couples is that of a child who rants and throws a fit in order to get its way. Parents would then panic and address the fit rather than what it is that was causing the fit in the first place. A child, though, that learns to speak about its fears rather than its frustrations, would more likely have that fear addressed by a compassionate attentive parent. A pouting child would normally get a defensive reaction, while a fearful child would probably get attention. The former would usually end up being, at best, disciplined, and at worst coerced by the adult parents into behaving properly, while the latter would likely end up with getting assurance and affirmation. In summary, lasting change comes not just from learning skills, but more so from caring for the other. The other half of it is becoming more aware of what approaches you do with your partner that evoke caring and which ones lead you back to square one.
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