Tag: Grief Counseling
Going Inside Your Grieving: Video!
Going Inside Your Grieving
by Nathan Chua
If there is one facet of our internal lives that can be quite a puzzle to many, it could be grieving. This is a part of life that can be difficult to understand. It’s one of life’s mysteries. Many faiths have come about in order to explain the reality of our own finitude. In therapy, there are millions out there seeking help for this process that has so often been misunderstood. Frequently, much of the struggles come from how the grieving process is supposed to happen. Here are some examples of the puzzlement in question form: There must be something wrong with me for not “grieving” the loss as much as others I know. Why can’t I get rid of the guilt so easily just as everyone around me has been advising me to do? Of course, there is also that most common difficulty of all, why can’t I seem to get over it as quickly as some of the people I know? Will this pain last forever?
Some of the misconceptions about grieving is that all of us have to go through a series of stages in order to qualify our process as “normal grief.” As with many other areas in life, we tend to compare ourselves with the people we share moments with. As a consequence of this inevitable mental process of comparing, it is understandable that we would feel guilt whether we go through the stages more or less quickly than others. Or if we have reached complete acceptance or not, which is what most construe to be the final stage of grieving.
Another misconception about grieving is that it involves just one feeling, which is what is expected, sadness. Many can question themselves if they don’t feel as much sadness as expected. Grieving involves multiple emotions and not just sadness. Depending on your relationship with the person you had lost, you can feel anything from a longing for the departed one or a sense of relief that the person is no longer there. And of course, everything in between. It is not a sign of being abnormal for you to think that the loss provided some relief from the past abuses that a close member of the family had brought. Feelings are not there for us to command. You and I can’t just will ourselves to feel a certain way. However our problem-solving, comfort-seeking, overeager and logical minds believe that to be true. Our minds are very good tools for eliminating discomfort. But our feelings are not an inconvenience or like mosquitoes that we can just kill off with a slap of our hands. Our feelings tell us that we have lost someone we cared for very deeply, or on the other extreme, someone who might have caused much pain in our life,
Another thing our minds do is comparing. One thing that we fail to do when we focus on comparisons as we rush ourselves out of the process, or when we rant about the what if’s, is what I indicated in the title of this article. In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we frequently help move people to look inside their pain just as we do for our own. Within our pain, there could be a gift that we don’t see. The gift of really loving and caring for another. I often ask my grieving clients to shift their perspective by imagining someone who comes to them with a similar loss and says that the experience is of no consequence to them emotionally. Would you be more or less worried about this person?
And what do I mean about going inside our grief? As I had indicated earlier in this piece, it is learning more about what is behind the pain. This is part of our humanity. The pain is part of what makes us deeply love and care while a person walks among us.
Finally, there is probably something about the departed one that you treasure most. Something that this loved one has taught you through their life, Here’s one exercise you can do. Write down all the wonderful things you experienced and learned from this person, and imagine this person sitting there beside you and you were reading this out loud to them. What do you think this person would feel or say about what you just wrote or read for them? And then ask yourself another important question. Must this be that person’s legacy? If your answer is yes, then what can you do to honor that?
And then look through what you have done in the past weeks, months or days, do these things that you do reflect a sense of honoring the life of this person who meant so much to you? If not, then maybe it’s time to do something else that will. You may end up doing something that involves either getting out of the pain, or carrying your pain with you while you live out a life worthy of your loved one’s legacy.
When we grieve…
by Nathan Chua
Nothing can be more heartrending than to see someone in my office having to deal with the loss of a dear one. Not only is there pain in seeing the empty spaces at home, but also the empty hours that go by without a familiar companion. Some even have to deal with the images of seeing the loved one’s struggle for that one last breath.
How does one cope with such a cruel reality that life introduces us to, the moment we lose that childhood innocence? What does grieving involve? How do we move on when all we have are memories of something that will never happen again? Why is it so hard to find relief?
Some of the unnecessary suffering we experience in the course of grieving involves our own struggle against the feelings that come with a loss. When we suppress our feelings that come with such an evocative event, we end up with an unwinnable struggle. A common misconception is that grief is a feeling that we should try to get over with. We feel especially unfit when we are not able to do so just at the time when others around us have. Attached to this idea is the effort to appear unperturbed by the pain we carry. Grief is not a feeling but a process that involves different feelings. There will be guilt, hurt, sadness, anger, and many more that come along with the process.
A common experience is the advice that we get from well-meaning people around us who try hard to cheer us up. Our minds will quickly relate this to some kind of internal defect having been left behind by the group that has moved on with their feelings. We reject parts of us that tell us that we have lost someone we cared for. You and I are not robots or computers that can be programmed to shut down certain thoughts and feelings with the flick of a switch. This is what I often end up observing in my clients. It is quite understandable since there is so much pressure to conform with the expectations; especially of those they hold in high regard.
If we run away from our difficult feelings then we don’t really learn much about who we are or what we hold to be important in our relationships. Grieving now turns into a struggle with our own thoughts, feelings, and memories. We overlook the reason behind our pain. That reason is important because we cared enough to hurt over what we have lost. Dr. Steven Hayes had this to say, “The things that bring us pain, also enrich our lives. When we cry at the loss of a friend, we’re enriching our lives, we’re not diminishing our lives.”
One of the processes that can help us get through with more resilience, purpose, and meaning in the midst of such a crushing event is to remember why this person meant so much to us. Maybe they were kind and loving. Maybe they never had a bad thing to say about others. Maybe they were thoughtful and caring, gentle and soft-spoken. Whatever it is that they left in your memory only tells you one thing. That those same qualities of being they lived, are pretty much the same in you. Live it! Bring their lives into yours and experience for yourself what some experts call a place in time, “where the magic happens.”
Grief Counseling Module with Russ Harris
Nathan just finished another training module with renowned author and ACT therapist from Australia, Dr. Russ Harris!
Do you need counseling?
One Life Only Counseling Services
Counseling for Individuals, Couples, and Families
Do you need counseling for depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship (marriage, family) problems, insomnia, anger management problems, infidelity, teen parenting issues, grief processing, addiction, procrastination, work performance, and even weight issues?
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2nd Floor Back to the Bible Building
135 West Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines
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The counselor is also an author!
Nathaniel Chua is the author of
Better People, Better Country: A Psychological Blueprint for a New Philippines,
published under the pen name Starfly Chua.
The pen name was chosen in homage to his grandfather and his ethnic Chinese roots, and reflects a preference for allowing ideas to stand on their own—without emphasis on personal visibility or status.
Here are selected endorsements from international colleagues and clinical experts:
This book is a fascinating personal exploration and cultural adaptation of contextual behavioral science applied to psychotherapy. It takes you, with great clarity and humility, from the philosophical foundations of functional contextualism all the way to its practical applications in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The way it addresses the challenges of psychological well-being in the Philippines makes it a particularly valuable contribution.
Dr. Matthieu Villatte, PhD, Co-author of Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention
Better People, Better Country offers a transformative shift in perspective, moving from rigid cultural rules that invite moral shaming toward one of contextual understanding. Both deeply personal and extensively practical, Starfly Chua provides a psychosocial blueprint for change and progress at multiple levels of human existence. This book is an invaluable resource for the people of the Philippines because it moves beyond the exhausted cycle of demanding ‘better people’ and instead provides the tools to build ‘better contexts’ — systems that naturally support prosocial values that benefit citizens and country alike.
Lou Lasprugato, MFT
Peer-Reviewed ACT Trainer
For far too long, theories of human behavior and psychology have been relegated to the therapy room, used in private, and often at the individual level. We now have advanced psychological theories that can explain and help foster change at the societal level.
Chua reaches for the same shining star that famed behavior analyst B.F. Skinner once reached for, applying cutting edge behavior change technology to the community at large—not just for the purposes of greater mental health—but for more workable societies. Chua doesn’t just reach for this star, he grasps it firmly. Laid out in this book is a set of common sense reforms that could revolutionize the Philippines and the world at an achievable cost: our own willingness.
Jacob Martinez
Practicing Counselor
Wisconsin, USA
Nathaniel Chua is also a member of an international organization called the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS). He once became chair of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Special Interest Group (DEI-SIG) of ACBS; the first Non-North American to do so.
Nathaniel Chua has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and continues to learn more of the most cutting-edge approaches to working with the human condition.
Below is Nathaniel Chua’s first virtual talk held on November 17, 2023 in front of an international group of therapists from Low or Middle Income Countries (LMIC). He is the first from the Philippines to do this:
What is One Life Only Counseling about?
- We value and respect your privacy and we keep what you share confidential.
- You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values. We are LGBTQIA+ friendly!
- Your counselor will not impose their values and beliefs on you. We welcome people from all faith traditions—or even none at all. We understand that spirituality and belief can be deeply personal, sometimes a source of strength, and at other times a place of struggle. Our goal is not to impose but to create space where your values, practices, and questions are respected. Whatever faith tradition you belong to, you are invited to bring your whole self into the counseling process.
Nathaniel Chua, MA
Functional Contextualist Therapist
The Philippines’ ACT & IBCT Specialist
- We mainly use ACT and IBCT which are both models of therapy that are based on functional contextualism – a science-based approach that focuses on what works in your unique life context. Both approaches help individuals, couples, and families move past stuck patterns, handle difficult emotions, and build more meaningful lives and relationships.
What is functional contextualism?
Functional contextualism starts with this simple truth: behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum. Every action, every thought, every feeling occurs in your unique context — and all of them serve a purpose.
What we mean by behavior?
Behavior isn’t just what you do outwardly. It also includes inner actions like thinking, remembering, or imagining. Some behaviors can be observed; others happen quietly inside you.
What we mean by context?
Context is more than the physical space you’re in. It includes your personal history, your memories, and the people who have shaped your life — whether they’re with you now or live only in your mind.
What we mean by function or purpose?
Every behavior is influenced by what happens before and after it. The “function” is the role that behavior plays in helping you cope, adapt, or move toward something important to you.
What we don’t believe or practice:
We don’t see you as “broken” or as a set of symptoms to fix. Outside of major physical damage or impairment, there’s no solid science proving that everyday behavior is caused by some permanent biological flaw.
You’re not a checklist of traits scored four-out-of-seven or five-out-of-nine. You’re a complex, whole, and freely choosing individual whose actions make sense in the context of your life.
Beyond Diagnostic Labels
We don’t use DSM diagnoses because your life is more than a checklist of symptoms. Real change begins with understanding your whole story, not fitting you into a category.
Medication as a Last Resort
While medication can sometimes be necessary, it’s never the first step we recommend. We focus on approaches that build lasting strength, skills, and choice – empowering you without unnecessary dependence.
You’re More Than a Number
We don’t use psychometric testing, because no score can capture who you are. We choose to listen, explore, and work with you through open, genuine conversations that honor your unique journey.
An Approach That is Recognized by the WHO!
The approach we use is also one that is endorsed by the World Health Organization as an effective psychological tool for coping with any kind of life crises! It can be described as a kind of psychological vaccine that has been found to be effective in improving and promoting mental resilience in the face of many, if not all kinds of life challenges.
Here’s a paraphrase from Dr. Steven C. Hayes in my interview with him on April 5th, 2022:
“Here’s what the World Health Organization, the best public health and scientific group in the world says about this protocol, this extensively tested protocol is helpful for anyone who is stressed, for any reason, in any circumstance.”
Since being established in 2009, it was in 2019 that we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but also about helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.
Here’s a video about what makes One Life Only Counseling Services different:
You can read the written version of this video through this link: https://www.onelifeonly.net/about/what-makes-one-life-only-counseling-services-different/
Here is a recent interview for an article on Philstar Life featuring Nathaniel Chua and a legal practitioner about marital sexual consent:
https://philstarlife.com/news-and-views/928796-consent-rape-marriage-explainer
Nathan Chua is probably one of the very few therapists in the Philippines who’s been on mainstream media to talk about ACT and functional contextualism in a way that stays faithful to the model.
Being faithful to the model means therapy isn’t about throwing techniques together like ingredients in a salad. The “therapy salad” approach mixes bits and pieces without coherence, often leaving clients confused. An integrative approach, on the other hand, is guided by a unifying framework – methods are chosen and blended with purpose, creating a clear, consistent direction that serves client’s goals.
In other words, therapy isn’t about randomly mixing different techniques. That can feel confusing, like tossing ingredients together without a recipe. An integrative approach means everything fits together with a clear purpose – so the tools and methods used actually connect and support your journey.
Here are some of the testimonials that people have given for our work.
From a parent:
My son was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He’s been undergoing therapy each year between June to September. He’s given synthetic meds in between therapy but i am not seeing consistent progress.
We needed to find a psychiatric support that can really help him.
It was a blessing indeed when i met one of the resource speaker from our community event that introduced us to sir Nathaniel.
Here’s an excerpt from my son’s long message to me …. “learning a lot through this therapy and had a ton of realizations din so i wanna say thank u so much ma…”
One life Only counselling services is truly effective and i hope it can help more people who suffers from mental health concerns.
From a partner:
Nathan is amazing! We learned so much about our relationship in just a few sessions. He also gives reading references, which helps a lot to navigate the information he provides in his session. Overall, would recommend to any couple in need of counselling.
From a husband:
Me and my wife ran into a bad patch due to outside pressure put onto our marriage.
I decided to book a set of appointments with one life and I can say it help so much I wish we went years ago. We have an amazing marriage and friendship.
Best thing we ever did.
Please click the link below for more:
https://share.google/RV5f9DYNVeURSGIJ8
He has also done interviews on YouTube with the developers of ACT and IBCT.
Here is a live interview on Kada Umaga on Net 25 starting at the 25 minute mark:
Here’s a solo interview of Nathan Chua with an ACT Matrix Expert and Counselor from the United States, Jacob Martinez:
Interviews with the experts:
Here are two interviews with the two experts that have had a huge impact on my work in recent years. They are with Dr. Steven Hayes and Dr. Andrew Christensen. Here are the videos: