Growing up exposed to faith traditions, I remember always looking forward to spiritual retreats. Not only do I get to have time off from school or work for free or at a discounted rate, I also get to meet new people or have more bonding opportunities with friends or schoolmates. However, it is often a big question among retreat-goers as regards how long the effects of such a religious experience will last into their mundane lives. Of course, being in a situation where everybody is smiling and having a break from the usual busyness of life, provides an idyllic setting that makes it easier to be kinder and more loving. No doubt there are doubts if there is an actual spiritual side to any one of us. Maybe we are just ordinary folks not really destined to consummate lives that are anything close to the clergy who facilitate these events.
Well, what my fellow retreat-goers and I couldn’t figure out in those days, I think some good ol’ science has posed an answer to. In most other approaches I have encountered in my more than a decade’s long journey into counseling, I think ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy stands out as unique in its inclusion of values into what I thought was supposed to be a valueless undertaking. Before 2019, I used to think that my job was confined to helping people find a way out of their mental miseries and the rest was up to them. In ACT though, there is that very powerful component of pursuing a values-based life.
So how do spiritual retreats work? Why do they have such an impact on us? How do we keep that spiritual revival going in real world settings? To answer the first two, these retreats function as a way to help us get back in touch with our values. These values are chosen patterns of behaving that are consistent with our deepest aspirations for ourselves. These values never actually leave us, they just become obscured when life as we know it, gives us the challenges of work and the important but difficult relationships we have.
Our minds have evolved into an evaluative, problem-solving tool that takes over when challenges to these values are present. Your kid starts to act nastily towards you. Your boss makes a comment that you found offensive. Your spouse forgets your birthday. How are we supposed to still be kind and loving in these situations?
Dr. Steven Hayes mentioned in one of his talks, that the problem-solving mode of mind can be described as analytical and predictive. In other words, it wants to find out how we got into such a situation and how we can get out of it quickly and painlessly. And these modes of mind are focused on the past and the future; unable to recognize what’s going on in the present. Our minds pretty much work in a way that suggests we take the fastest way out of troublesome thoughts and feelings that come along at work and in relationships. For example, the recalcitrant child is making us feel angry and frustrated. The problem-solving mode of mind figures out how we got to this point by thinking that the child has been spoiled, and then suggests the quickest way to solve the spoiled child and get out of our frustrated feelings is to just try to control the child by yelling and screaming at them. Goodbye sweet, kind, and loving us that came out of the retreat! It is easy to see how these spiritual revivals are only as good as the few days or the few weeks after. Simply said, it is more likely that we live out or become aware of our values or what is truly meaningful and important to us, when the situation is well-protected from the challenges of life outside these exclusive retreat enclaves.
And how do we keep the spiritual fire burning when like all good things, the retreat must come to an end? In ACT, I have learned quite a few ways to do it. The first step however is to get out of the mindset that all good things are about good feelings. A good way to challenge this “good feelings equals good life” idea is to notice the not-so-good feelings that come with living our values. Anything important to us usually comes with a price. If it were easy then we wouldn’t really care about it. We hurt because we care. Our sadness from a loss is because we loved. We get angry because something has violated our sense of justice. We experience anxiety because there’s something worth our trouble that we want to accomplish.
As we keep our final destinations in sight, committing to something also involves taking small steps towards them. After having been able to return to these values, we can take action no matter how small in that direction we go. Make it a point today to call a friend you haven’t reached out to in a while. Go buy ice cream for your kid just because. Stand up for yourself and don’t take a sip of alcohol in your weekly gathering with your alcoholic friends. Small steps to break your patterns can put you back in touch with those values you cherish and also understand that situations, thoughts, and feelings have no control over you, but you do. Start doing the uncomfortable stuff and then take time to savor the results as a reward. It will likely be worth all the struggle!
Every so often I do get some calls inquiring about whether I do a faith-based approach in my practice or not. I welcome anyone and everyone from all faith traditions to come see me. I’d rather spread the word that I am inclusive, not exclusive. Why? Because while we may be subject to different rules of faith, we are all subject to the same rules of science. For me, there is no conflict. In fact, what I am learning now from ACT as an evidence-based approach to therapy, just showed me how much traditional faith-based practices have been affirmed by the science behind ACT, albeit thousands of years late.
I always feel a sense of sadness when people turn away from what ACT science can do for them, without first investigating if it is in sync with their faith. I hope, if you’re one who is looking for a faith-based approach to therapy reading this post, that you give me and this science I use, a chance to help you because it has tremendously helped me. Call or better yet, text me. I’d love to go on a journey with you towards a more meaningful and purposeful life you may have yet to experience!
One of the things that our minds are really good at doing is judging. Our minds have developed this highly useful skill for the ultimate survival of our species that has very few qualities which can protect it from external threats. We don’t have large sharp teeth or claws and are said to be a species that has the longest gestation period among all creatures.
You might be curious to know how judgment can play any part in our survival, let alone the survival of a whole species. Isn’t it that we use judgment more to describe the ways we behave towards others? We are not used to using the term in light of its impact on our evolutionary history. Let’s do this little exercise to see how. If our minds didn’t know how to judge between a threat and a non-threat, we would be like the fish that get caught twice or more times by a fishing hook. Our minds are there to create rules that keep us out of harm’s way. If you see a line attached to a bait, that’s not dinner being presented to you, but you becoming somebody else’s dinner. Don’t cross the street without looking side to side. Stay indoors when your experience tells you that this is the time of the year when the weather can be harsh. This rule-following ability is what sets us apart from other species and gives us an edge of tremendous effect on who dominates the planet.
Unfortunately, this talent is double-edged. It can be useful to judge between a lion and a puppy but not when we use it to judge our internal processes. If our minds weren’t able to tell that the moving thing in front of us is a hungry lion, we could be its next prey! The mind applies the same rule to our feelings and thoughts, because the mind does what it does. Our difficult thoughts and feelings that naturally come by because of the life situations we face, are equated as bad, as in hungry lion-bad!
Couples and families often come to a judgment of their loved ones. Unfortunately, such judgments often get in the way of the loving relationships each party wishes to develop. One way of stepping out of these judgments is to consider your differences as they are and not as defects. Here’s one way to be more aware of this. Imagine if you had a loved one (either a romantic partner or a family member) who has suffered from a childhood impairment, let’s say, he or she is half-blind or has an injury that makes it difficult for them to walk at a normal pace. Would you demand that he or she be able to walk and do stuff as fast as you do? Probably not! You would most likely make adjustments to accommodate your loved one’s condition.
Given this, you and I can be more conscious of what our minds say are defects and begin to view them as conditions or differences around which we have to work. We can recognize our tendencies to see our loved ones as defective and therefore more like problems to solve rather than human beings who have learned a different way to tie a shoelace so to speak.
Another way of putting this into a clearer perspective is to notice the difference between describing a movie and judging it. A descriptive statement would be to say that the movie is an hour and 40 minutes long. While an evaluative statement would be that the movie was too long or too boring. Why don’t you try this at home? You can then experiment with a loved one that you have long judged to be defective. Just like a narrator for Nat Geo, see if you can objectively describe how your partner or child or parent behaves and say to yourself, “This is someone special who I would much rather choose to love with all his or her different behaviors that I have come to accept in the service of a truly honest and loving person that I wish to be in this and every moment.” That, my friends, is the key, not to feeling good, but to living well in spite of what your mind says are judgments to be made. It is up to you to look at those judgments and say, I choose not to run away from or struggle with my difficult experiences in dealing with this important person in my life, and to accept them above all. Be my guest and see peace arrive in your life.
It is hard to imagine how all of us have suffered through this pandemic for so long. None of us, except for a few elite scientists, could have known that this would happen in our lifetime. This situation has probably sent you through a whole gamut of difficult thoughts and feelings. From struggles with anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, relationships, boredom, and more; they are all understandable in these times.
Some of us may be saying, look what Covid has done to me? I’ve become more irritable, less tolerant, depressed, anxious, angry, and many more. You are not alone. You share these thoughts and feelings with anyone who has had a brush with all that this pandemic has been inflicting on us for over a year now.
The key here is to know what is within or outside our control. With difficult situations come difficult thoughts and emotions, and sometimes it could be difficult relationships as well. Unfortunately, it is often that we find ourselves judging all of these as unwanted, unnecessary, and even harmful to us. We can’t be blamed for having these judgmental thoughts. In today’s “success equals feel good and happy” society, there is really nothing much that can explain why we feel miserable, except that there’s probably something wrong with us. We are defective in some ways compared to others. They all seem well put together and coping well in spite of everything.
You and I have minds that are quick to judge ourselves especially when times are rough. This is the hardware that we come with. The depression comes when we buy into the idea that we have something to do with the quality of our thoughts. We measure our sanity against the seemingly pristine and peaceful minds we see in TV ads, social media, and the gigantic, right on top of us, billboards. Eventually we discover how futile our attempts to suppress unwanted thoughts are, and begin to have a sense of powerlessness and of being ineffectual. We fight with the constant murmurs of our minds and get caught up in this struggle. Here’s the secret sauce, “Give it up!” It doesn’t matter how many pills or distracting activities we do, let’s come to an acceptance that our minds are simply wired that way. Next thing we do?
Commit to doing things that tally well with what we want to do with our limited time on this planet, and more so, with our short, precious moments with those who matter to us. Take these thoughts and feelings and bring them for the ride of our choosing. Come back to what truly matters to us with all the unwanted chatter! Be present with our kids even if our minds continue to remind us of that upcoming mortgage payment. Be kind and loving even as we feel frustrated with how people around the house are acting. Act calmly even if we aren’t feeling calm. We can do it if we are willing to do the hard work, because in the end, it only matters what we have done, not what thoughts and feelings we struggled with in our heads.
Having been trained in psychodynamic therapy, helping trauma clients from a behavioral lens was unimaginable for me as a graduate student. With the use of the inner child, memory and exposure work, it turns out that the two approaches share much in common. From an ACT or behavioral, and scientific perspective however, I have learned the rationale behind such practices, and how our nervous system works to produce the kind of ineffective responses people have towards traumatic experiences. It was difficult having done this together with the ACT for Adolescents course, but it was well worth the effort. I consider it a privilege to be around in an era where people like Dr. Russ Harris, a best-selling author and renowned ACT therapist, are able to share their knowledge and expertise from thousands of miles away! I eagerly look forward to more courses in ACT, Relational Frame Theory, and Functional Contextualism.
Ah, the functions of language! Until recent years, I have never thought about how language played a role in our ability to sustain our mental health. As the theory behind this new approach that I am using is framed upon language and how we use it, I would like to introduce you to a few terms that we use in a way that can cause us to experience unnecessary depression, excess anxiety, and even attempts at suicide!
The first expression we use quite a lot in the field of counseling is the word, “healing.” I remember in the years I spent in graduate school, this word was used quite liberally. In fact, there was even a book that had, as part of its title, the words, “wounded healer.” Healing though connotes the idea that we are somehow broken and that we need to be put together like a puzzle or a broken vase in a clinical setting.
Reality though would tell us that this can be nothing more than a figure of speech that at the least, could be considered unhelpful. Because nothing inside of us is really broken. It is rather a form of learning to resort to certain strategies that provide instant relief from emotional pain that end up unproductive and futile; and thereby rendering us feeling more ineffectual and deserving of our sad fate. We are whole and complete. What we suffer when we are said to be having some psychological problems is that of being stuck in a pattern of behaviors that do not serve our best interests.
The next phrase or term I have learned to be used in unhelpful fashions is the idea that comes from stories of people who supposedly went from being dead to surviving a coma. It is often said that they see a great white light and felt immense peace! Attempts at suicide are basically logical responses to removing the difficult feelings brought on by our attempts at living what comes as meaningful to us. It is better to die, since one: it will remove the painful emotions we experience from our pursuits for meaning and purpose, and two: there will be unimaginable bliss thereafter. Unfortunately, allow me to paraphrase an expert in behavioral analysis who said in jest that there has so far been no one on record to have answered a survey from death that talks about how much better it is on that side.
The last term for this post is the word, confidence. We often combine this with the word, “feel.” This means that confidence is a feeling that we need to achieve in order to do something of significance. As Dr. Steven Hayes likes to use etymologies in his work, the word actually means having full trust or faith in Latin. We have somehow in our modern usage of the term used it to mean that it is something we feel rather than something we do. We can still put our full faith in ourselves even as we feel anxious about doing a certain task.
Remember that the best way to live is to focus on what we do rather than what we feel, because there is the possibility of redemption in the former. Our feelings are subject to change and outside of our control. If we hang our hats on them, we will find ourselves stuck in a cycle of frustration, and eventually see ourselves as broken vessels that need to be pieced together, or brought to a place where we choose to end it all permanently for temporary relief from the varied emotions we experience that come with truly living.
Do you need counseling for depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship (marriage, family) problems, insomnia, anger management problems, infidelity, teen parenting issues, grief processing, addiction, procrastination, work performance, and even weight issues?
We are here to provide you with evidence-based approaches that are backed by reliable and valid scientific research!
We provide both in person and online video counseling for your convenience.
Please text (preferred) or call:
Mobile Number: +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE)
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Our offices are located in Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines.
CMS Clinic
2nd Floor Back to the Bible Building
135 West Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines
and
M Place South Triangle
8004 Mother Ignacia Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines
Discussing sunk cost fallacy with Pia, Daiana, and Emma on Kada Umaga, Net 25 last July 16, 2025Nathan Chua spoke with Pia Guanio Mago about parenting on Net 25’s Kada Umaga, June 2025Interview with Chinkee Tan and Christine Bersola-Babao on MagBadyet Tayo about financial conflicts in relationships, October 23, 2023
The counselor is also an author!
Nathaniel Chua is the author of
Better People, Better Country: A Psychological Blueprint for a New Philippines,
published under the pen name Starfly Chua. The pen name was chosen in homage to his grandfather and his ethnic Chinese roots, and reflects a preference for allowing ideas to stand on their own—without emphasis on personal visibility or status.
Here are selected endorsements from international colleagues and clinical experts:
This book is a fascinating personal exploration and cultural adaptation of contextual behavioral science applied to psychotherapy. It takes you, with great clarity and humility, from the philosophical foundations of functional contextualism all the way to its practical applications in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The way it addresses the challenges of psychological well-being in the Philippines makes it a particularly valuable contribution.
Dr. Matthieu Villatte, PhD, Co-author of Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention
Better People, Better Country offers a transformative shift in perspective, moving from rigid cultural rules that invite moral shaming toward one of contextual understanding. Both deeply personal and extensively practical, Starfly Chua provides a psychosocial blueprint for change and progress at multiple levels of human existence. This book is an invaluable resource for the people of the Philippines because it moves beyond the exhausted cycle of demanding ‘better people’ and instead provides the tools to build ‘better contexts’ — systems that naturally support prosocial values that benefit citizens and country alike.
Lou Lasprugato, MFT
Peer-Reviewed ACT Trainer
For far too long, theories of human behavior and psychology have been relegated to the therapy room, used in private, and often at the individual level. We now have advanced psychological theories that can explain and help foster change at the societal level.
Chua reaches for the same shining star that famed behavior analyst B.F. Skinner once reached for, applying cutting edge behavior change technology to the community at large—not just for the purposes of greater mental health—but for more workable societies. Chua doesn’t just reach for this star, he grasps it firmly. Laid out in this book is a set of common sense reforms that could revolutionize the Philippines and the world at an achievable cost: our own willingness.
Jacob Martinez
Practicing Counselor
Wisconsin, USA
Nathaniel Chua is also a member of an international organization called the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS). He once became chair of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Special Interest Group (DEI-SIG) of ACBS; the first Non-North American to do so.
Nathaniel Chua has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and continues to learn more of the most cutting-edge approaches to working with the human condition.
Below is Nathaniel Chua’s first virtual talk held on November 17, 2023 in front of an international group of therapists from Low or Middle Income Countries (LMIC). He is the first from the Philippines to do this:
What is One Life Only Counseling about?
We value and respect your privacy and we keep what you share confidential.
You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values. We are LGBTQIA+ friendly!
Your counselor will not impose their values and beliefs on you. We welcome people from all faith traditions—or even none at all. We understand that spirituality and belief can be deeply personal, sometimes a source of strength, and at other times a place of struggle. Our goal is not to impose but to create space where your values, practices, and questions are respected. Whatever faith tradition you belong to, you are invited to bring your whole self into the counseling process.
Nathaniel Chua, MA
Functional Contextualist Therapist
The Philippines’ ACT & IBCT Specialist
We mainly use ACT and IBCT which are both models of therapy that are based on functional contextualism – a science-based approach that focuses on what works in your unique life context. Both approaches help individuals, couples, and families move past stuck patterns, handle difficult emotions, and build more meaningful lives and relationships.
What is functional contextualism?
Functional contextualism starts with this simple truth: behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum. Every action, every thought, every feeling occurs in your unique context — and all of them serve a purpose.
What we mean by behavior?
Behavior isn’t just what you do outwardly. It also includes inner actions like thinking, remembering, or imagining. Some behaviors can be observed; others happen quietly inside you.
What we mean by context?
Context is more than the physical space you’re in. It includes your personal history, your memories, and the people who have shaped your life — whether they’re with you now or live only in your mind.
What we mean by function or purpose?
Every behavior is influenced by what happens before and after it. The “function” is the role that behavior plays in helping you cope, adapt, or move toward something important to you.
What we don’t believe or practice:
We don’t see you as “broken” or as a set of symptoms to fix. Outside of major physical damage or impairment, there’s no solid science proving that everyday behavior is caused by some permanent biological flaw. You’re not a checklist of traits scored four-out-of-seven or five-out-of-nine. You’re a complex, whole, and freely choosing individual whose actions make sense in the context of your life.
Beyond Diagnostic Labels
We don’t use DSM diagnoses because your life is more than a checklist of symptoms. Real change begins with understanding your whole story, not fitting you into a category.
Medication as a Last Resort
While medication can sometimes be necessary, it’s neverthe first step we recommend. We focus on approaches that build lasting strength, skills, and choice – empowering you without unnecessary dependence.
You’re More Than a Number
We don’t use psychometric testing, because no score can capture who you are. We choose to listen, explore, and work with you through open, genuine conversations that honor your unique journey.
An Approach That is Recognized by the WHO!
The approach we use is also one that is endorsed by the World Health Organization as an effective psychological tool for coping with any kind of life crises! It can be described as a kind of psychological vaccine that has been found to be effective in improving and promoting mental resilience in the face of many, if not all kinds of life challenges.
Here’s a paraphrase from Dr. Steven C. Hayes in my interview with him on April 5th, 2022:
“Here’s what the World Health Organization, the best public health and scientific group in the world says about this protocol, this extensively tested protocol is helpful for anyone who is stressed, for any reason, in any circumstance.”
Since being established in 2009, it was in 2019 that we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but also about helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.
Here’s a video about what makes One Life Only Counseling Services different:
May 14, 2025 Nathan Chua was one of two guest resource persons at the UST campus with third year psychology students. Topic was about bulimia and anorexia.
Recent certificate given to Nathan Chua for presenting a talk about couple’s therapy in front an international audience of therapists from Low or Middle Income Country (LMIC). He is the first and so far the only one from the Philippines to accomplish this.
Nathan Chua is probably one of the very few therapists in the Philippines who’s been on mainstream media to talk about ACT and functional contextualism in a way that stays faithful to the model.
Being faithful to the model means therapy isn’t about throwing techniques together like ingredients in a salad. The “therapy salad” approach mixes bits and pieces without coherence, often leaving clients confused. An integrative approach, on the other hand, is guided by a unifying framework – methods are chosen and blended with purpose, creating a clear, consistent direction that serves client’s goals.
In other words, therapy isn’t about randomly mixing different techniques. That can feel confusing, like tossing ingredients together without a recipe. An integrative approach means everything fits together with a clear purpose – so the tools and methods used actually connect and support your journey.
Every step we take together has a purpose, not just a mix of techniques.
Here are some of the testimonials that people have given for our work.
From a parent:
My son was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He’s been undergoing therapy each year between June to September. He’s given synthetic meds in between therapy but i am not seeing consistent progress. We needed to find a psychiatric support that can really help him.
It was a blessing indeed when i met one of the resource speaker from our community event that introduced us to sir Nathaniel.
Here’s an excerpt from my son’s long message to me …. “learning a lot through this therapy and had a ton of realizations din so i wanna say thank u so much ma…”
One life Only counselling services is truly effective and i hope it can help more people who suffers from mental health concerns.
From a partner:
Nathan is amazing! We learned so much about our relationship in just a few sessions. He also gives reading references, which helps a lot to navigate the information he provides in his session. Overall, would recommend to any couple in need of counselling.
From a husband:
Me and my wife ran into a bad patch due to outside pressure put onto our marriage. I decided to book a set of appointments with one life and I can say it help so much I wish we went years ago. We have an amazing marriage and friendship. Best thing we ever did.
Interview with Julius Babao and Christine Bersola Babao, October 25, 2023Guest resource person with Boy Abunda on his show The BottomlineJuly 2024 interview on Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho about jealousy and anger
He has also done interviews on YouTube with the developers of ACT and IBCT.
Interview with Dr. Steven C. Hayes, the developer of ACT, April 5, 2022Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen May 14, 2022
Here is a live interview on Kada Umaga on Net 25 starting at the 25 minute mark:
Here’s a solo interview of Nathan Chua with an ACT Matrix Expert and Counselor from the United States, Jacob Martinez:
Interviews with the experts:
Here are two interviews with the two experts that have had a huge impact on my work in recent years. They are with Dr. Steven Hayes and Dr. Andrew Christensen. Here are the videos:
I think even without a new year to celebrate, many of us have often made certain commitments that we hope to accomplish beginning at a certain time. Well, looking back, how many of those commitments have we fulfilled? What is it that keeps us from getting from point A to point B?
One way we end up not doing what we resolve to do has to do with reasons. Our logical minds have evolved to find cause and effect relations. This is an important function because in order to solve problems in our environment, we need to know what causes something to happen. For instance, relevant to today’s issues, our minds needed to find out what causes the spread of the coronavirus in order for us to keep infections down and manage the extent of the pandemic. The scientists needed to know how the virus causes life-threatening pneumonia, for them to find ways to counteract the process of fatal illness developing in people.
The only drawback to this mental capacity is when the rule becomes inflexible. They are applied across other domains when they don’t really put us on a path to where we want to be. For example, we say, “I have to eat chocolate if I am sad.” The rule here is sadness should be removed by eating unhealthy snacks. However, we can reverse this statement and say, “I should not eat chocolate to stop me from feeling sad, because in the end, the lack of control of my behavior makes me even sadder and therefore the urge becomes stronger.”
Now if reasons really have so much power over us, wouldn’t we be all following the reasons why we should not be eating chocolate when we feel sad? The answer is no matter what the reasons our minds come up with, we still can opt to act one way or the other. This only means that no matter how much we try to give ourselves reasons to do stuff, we can always make a decision that complies or doesn’t comply with the behavior we want to either stop or begin doing more of.
This means reasons are just thoughts that our minds come up with for us to make logical decisions. Unfortunately, what may sound logical may not be what’s good for us. Now, you might be thinking, what then do I do about this? Well, one way to do it is to first notice your thoughts as thoughts. They are not you. Your mind is just a part of you and your bodily functions.
One way to practice this ability to keep your thoughts separate from you, is to give your mind a name. Thank him or her for the suggestion. You’re not bad for having those thoughts, it’s just part of your minds’ functioning. It is nothing more than a reason-manufacturing tool.
You can also add in one more step. You can notice what sticking to your diet is in the service of. Maybe you’d like to become more attractive so you can start having more opportunities to find a date. It could be that you’d love to see your kids grow old enough to see them go through different life stages. Whatever your motivations are, it is best to come up with ideas that give you intrinsic motivation, rather than those that make you think that you are a bad or lousy person if you don’t follow your resolutions. The latter only spirals into the negative feedback loop of emotions.
And finally, keep in mind that whatever life-enhancing habits we want to create, it takes time and patience. Your road will not be a straight line. Every time you fail at your commitments, you can always pick yourself up and keep going towards a direction you want. We are creatures who want to create habits that work for our lives. If we suffer an injury to our leg, we still want to stand up and walk again, don’t we? And yes, you and I will fall to the ground as we rehab, but we pick ourselves up and keep going, with pain and all. Because walking matters, just like living does too!
Anger was a familiar foe to me. As a child, I saw how anger in the family was able to get the giants at home what they wanted from myself and others. And so I learned that albeit unpleasant and unbecoming, anger can be a means to a good end. Anger for me was never an end in itself. People should understand the reason for my short temper, so I thought. Yet, there would probably be very few occasions when I would realize that my angry behavior served me in good stead as I pursued the good ends.
Much of what ails us with anger is not about the feeling itself, but rather the coping style that most of us use as we feel this difficult emotion. You see, my biggest problem with my anger was precisely what I had just indicated in the opening sentence of this blogpost. Anger had become a familiar foe, when all it was, was a part of my nervous system telling me that I just experienced frustration or disappointment or anxiety.
For as long as anger remained my enemy, then it would continue to stand in the way of me becoming the person I wanted to be. Back in my days as a businessman, anger got in the way of my acting in a manner that was most faithful to my deepest aspirations for my life. My inner yearnings to help the people around me made me passionate about keeping the business healthy and viable. Mistakes at work meant a step backwards and threatened to move the company away from this goal. My mind dutifully and persistently told me that the solution to avoiding mistakes, is to exert control over the people working for the business with my anger. Unfortunately, gaining full control over other people is like keeping ocean water from being salty.
The logical solution was to intimidate people into feeling motivated every day. What’s worse is that my mind has learned this dictum to try and try the same thing over and over again until I succeed. Put in another more familiar way, my mind told me to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.
Here are some tips for you my readers on what to do when anger pays you a visit:
Welcome your old friend and breathe into the feelings and body sensations that arrive with your anger.
Notice it and observe it in your body. Observe what it is egging you to do. Notice it with a beginner’s mind.
Remind yourself that this is but part of a journey, a hero’s journey if you will, and you just encountered something that is getting in the way of the valued outcomes you want at this very moment.
Give yourself some compassion as you suffer through these obstacles and difficult feelings.
Remember what it is that you wish to stand for in your life.
Notice the thoughts as thoughts and not as commands that will make you go in a different direction if you’re not aware. Remember the actions your mind will dictate can move you away from the valued outcomes you had imagined.
We all have seen the unfortunate results of harsh behaviors in our midst. We have also seen how it affects our sense of purpose and meaning as we go through the daily challenges of life and relationships. Anger is neither bad nor good. It’s just a feeling that we all can contain within us. It is a part of us. Not wanting it is akin to saying that you want your tongue to taste only food that is pleasant. Unfortunately, our tongues and other senses come in a package. We will feel both ends of the spectrum of emotions.
And if you are like me, your anger might have something to offer you. For many years, my anger had been telling me that I did care about the business, because its viability meant the well-being of the people involved. This realization has helped me see what was behind my frustrations and disappointments. I cared and I still do to this day. May we experience the benefits of accepting life for all the bitter-sweet experiences it presents. As an old ACT saying goes, “We care where we hurt and we hurt where we care.”
When you raise your head to look ahead as you traverse the busiest streets of Manila, there will undoubtedly be dozens of billboards craning for your attention as you look into the distance and survey the sea of traffic ahead of you. It sort of is a means to break the monotony of tail lights shimmering about several kilometers ahead. Lots of cheery faces showing you how much more you can grab out of life if only you had that new car, home, outfit, hairstyle, and yes, even that new loan! Yeah, that is the good life, the feel good life!
Positivity has become the antidote to much of what we experience in life as trials and misfortunes. We can always just think about positive things and all will be alright as far as our internal mechanisms are concerned.
Just recently heard Dr. Steven Hayes in one of his podcast interviews talk about the futility of this approach to life’s realities. Once again he uses an interesting comparison of this “feel only the good” agenda to just wanting our fingers to feel things that we like. Unfortunately, that is only doable if we totally remove the sense of touch from our fingers. There is no way to teach our fingers to just feel the good ones and not the bad ones. If you feel the soft touch of your pillow at night, you will also feel the roughness of sandpaper as you work on some cleaning project at home. Removing what we dislike can only be done if we remove all the sensations our fingers can feel.
It’s a pretty apt metaphor for not wanting to feel unpleasant emotions. Our minds and our nervous systems come with the ability to experience both sides of the spectrum. If we constantly wish to run away from difficult thoughts and feelings, we will also end up unable to feel pleasant emotions. If we numb ourselves from feeling difficult emotions, we also by default have to remove ourselves from feeling the opposite.
Because of the constant barrage of information we get saying that, the meaningful life ought to make us feel good, we lose touch with what is truly important to us. Maybe that very thing that you have been looking for to find meaning in your life is really contained in some activity that you wish you could do, if only your mind would stop telling you that it’s too hard! Forget about it, you will end up just getting hurt.
Maybe it is in that project you wished you could start because it is where you lose consciousness of time when you engage in doing it. But you are afraid that you will end up being a laughing stock to your friends and family if you did. Maybe it’s in that dating life that you wish you can resume after a painful divorce. But your mind tells you, you better not, because it will hurt even more. Maybe it is taking that step to talk to your child about something you wish he or she can see from your perspective. But your mind tells you, you will just end up spoiling your kid and surrendering some of that power you have over him or her.
All of these yearnings point to what truly matters to us and the existential anxiety we have about how we spend our time as we remain alive and conscious. If it is important for you to have that career, then you will feel anxious pursuing it. If it is important for you to have a good relationship, then you will feel terrified by the idea of meeting new people for romantic reasons. If it is important for you to be loving to your child, then you will feel like you’re walking on eggshells raising one.
As an old ACT saying goes, we care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. Anything that is worth pursuing in life will hurt because we care about them. It won’t always be happy. There is no guarantee unfortunately. The only thing that is sure is that if you pursue a life that matters rather than a life that’s happy, you will then know what it means to live meaningfully. As one 19th century sage put it, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
If you are like most people who are frustrated with their partners’ incorrigible ways, here’s an option you might want to consider. What if you and your partner can become more objective in the way you view each other’s peculiarities? What if these defects were just your differences? What if you view your differences more from your past perspective of why you two clicked in the first place?
Of course, this is always as we say, easier said than done. That person you thought had all the complementary qualities you wish you yourself had, has now turned into a nuisance. You fell in love with him because he was always cool, calm, and collected. He was never frazzled by any of the crises you had to deal with in your months or years of dating. Unfortunately, you realize that these same qualities when displayed in certain situations, are not the source of solace and comfort you wish they would be. They now come across as snooty or insensitive, dismissive of how you feel about your current problems at work or at home. You now complain and criticize, and your partner is flabbergasted. He thinks it’s unfair for you to come up with new standards of how he should be. Isn’t it that you loved me with all these qualities before? Why do you want to change me completely all of a sudden?
Now, I have gone through so many approaches to couples counseling in my years of working with distressed couples and have found this so far to be the most intriguing of all and probably can turn out to be the most effective. I call it the, Why Of Course You Do Therapy! Why? Because I realized that these are the very words I would be mentioning quite often in my work with couples! Given the circumstances and given your histories, you will react in certain ways that are quite predictable and understandable.
The problem starts when each of the parties in the relationship begin to demand, criticize, show annoyance, and reject attempts at connection or reconciliation. What were qualities that each of you accepted early in your relationship, are now irritants that turn you into adversaries. Your partner becomes a project to change. As mentioned earlier, your partner will feel rather betrayed if what he or she thought were things you were willing to accept, have now become unacceptable. The differences that you had once accepted have now turned into defects that can make or break the relationship.
The key is that through acceptance, your partner may in turn notice how much harder you are working to come to terms with what can be difficult to change. The irony in psychology is that unless we learn to accept things as they are, then change can happen. As the words of the great Carl Rogers remind us, “”The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” This works well with couples too! The more your partner senses that he or she is accepted, then they feel more motivated to change. Why so? It’s the paradox of the human mind, the paradox of being human!
