What now? Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs. Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering. At times, there might even be physical altercations. No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.
Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on. In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship. This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner. There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair. I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.
For the offended party:
Tip 1: You will very likely have flashbacks. Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present. Suspicions show up regularly. On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed. Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt. In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms. The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication. They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication. Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories.
Tip 2: Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression. The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation. Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks. This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.
Tip 3: Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred. Think about what you want to stand for at this moment. Ask yourself, “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these? If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”
For the Offending Party:
Tip 1: Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say. Your partner is not doing this on purpose. It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner. Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion. Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.
Tip 2: Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments. Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying. It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.
Tip 3: The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring. Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal. However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.
Is it time to leave?
My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together. Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship. Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both. The betrayed partner is never to be blamed. At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.
Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal. For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted. Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other. The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.
In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here: When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.
Listen to the podcast version of this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!
Do you need counseling for depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship (marriage, family) problems, insomnia, anger management problems, infidelity, teen parenting issues, grief processing, addiction, procrastination, work performance, and even weight issues?
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M Place South Triangle
8004 Mother Ignacia Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines
Interview with DZXL RMN News, July 2, 2026 discussing different topics related to Ai Attachment and sharing the book, Better People, Better CountryEarly morning guesting at IBC 13’s Treze Mornings with Eve Valdez and Charles Villanueva discussing Scatter Addiction, May 28, 2026Nathan Chua spoke with Pia Guanio Mago about parenting on Net 25’s Kada Umaga, June 2025
The counselor is also an author!
Nathaniel Chua is the author of two books!
Writing under the pen name, Starfly Chua.
New Release!
Many relationship books tell us to find the right person or master the right techniques. Love, Contextually takes a different approach. It invites readers to see love as something we continually build within the context of two changing people living through changing circumstances. Drawing from years of counseling experience and contemporary contextual behavioral science, the book offers a compassionate, practical, and refreshing way to understand conflict, deepen connection, and cultivate healthier relationships.
Better People, Better Country: A Psychological Blueprint for a New Philippines,
published under the pen name Starfly Chua. The pen name was chosen in homage to his grandfather and his ethnic Chinese roots, and reflects a preference for allowing ideas to stand on their own—without emphasis on personal visibility or status.
Here are selected endorsements from international colleagues and clinical experts:
This book is a fascinating personal exploration and cultural adaptation of contextual behavioral science applied to psychotherapy. It takes you, with great clarity and humility, from the philosophical foundations of functional contextualism all the way to its practical applications in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The way it addresses the challenges of psychological well-being in the Philippines makes it a particularly valuable contribution.
Dr. Matthieu Villatte, PhD, Co-author of Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention
Better People, Better Country offers a transformative shift in perspective, moving from rigid cultural rules that invite moral shaming toward one of contextual understanding. Both deeply personal and extensively practical, Starfly Chua provides a psychosocial blueprint for change and progress at multiple levels of human existence. This book is an invaluable resource for the people of the Philippines because it moves beyond the exhausted cycle of demanding ‘better people’ and instead provides the tools to build ‘better contexts’ — systems that naturally support prosocial values that benefit citizens and country alike.
Lou Lasprugato, MFT
Peer-Reviewed ACT Trainer
For far too long, theories of human behavior and psychology have been relegated to the therapy room, used in private, and often at the individual level. We now have advanced psychological theories that can explain and help foster change at the societal level.
Chua reaches for the same shining star that famed behavior analyst B.F. Skinner once reached for, applying cutting edge behavior change technology to the community at large—not just for the purposes of greater mental health—but for more workable societies. Chua doesn’t just reach for this star, he grasps it firmly. Laid out in this book is a set of common sense reforms that could revolutionize the Philippines and the world at an achievable cost: our own willingness.
Jacob Martinez
Practicing Counselor
Wisconsin, USA
To find out how you can get copies of his books please click here.
Nathaniel Chua is also a member of an international organization called the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS). He once became chair of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Special Interest Group (DEI-SIG) of ACBS; the first Non-North American to do so.
Nathaniel Chua has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and continues to learn more of the most cutting-edge approaches to working with the human condition.
Below is Nathaniel Chua’s first virtual talk held on November 17, 2023 in front of an international group of therapists from Low or Middle Income Countries (LMIC). He is the first from the Philippines to do this:
What is One Life Only Counseling about?
We value and respect your privacy and we keep what you share confidential.
You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values. We are LGBTQIA+ friendly!
Your counselor will not impose their values and beliefs on you. We welcome people from all faith traditions—or even none at all. We understand that spirituality and belief can be deeply personal, sometimes a source of strength, and at other times a place of struggle. Our goal is not to impose but to create space where your values, practices, and questions are respected. Whatever faith tradition you belong to, you are invited to bring your whole self into the counseling process.
Nathaniel Chua, MA
Functional Contextualist Therapist
The Philippines’ ACT & IBCT Specialist
We mainly use ACT and IBCT which are both models of therapy that are based on functional contextualism – a science-based approach that focuses on what works in your unique life context. Both approaches help individuals, couples, and families move past stuck patterns, handle difficult emotions, and build more meaningful lives and relationships.
What is functional contextualism?
Functional contextualism starts with this simple truth: behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum. Every action, every thought, every feeling occurs in your unique context — and all of them serve a purpose.
What we mean by behavior?
Behavior isn’t just what you do outwardly. It also includes inner actions like thinking, remembering, or imagining. Some behaviors can be observed; others happen quietly inside you.
What we mean by context?
Context is more than the physical space you’re in. It includes your personal history, your memories, and the people who have shaped your life — whether they’re with you now or live only in your mind.
What we mean by function or purpose?
Every behavior is influenced by what happens before and after it. The “function” is the role that behavior plays in helping you cope, adapt, or move toward something important to you.
What we don’t believe or practice:
We don’t see you as “broken” or as a set of symptoms to fix. Outside of major physical damage or impairment, there’s no solid science proving that everyday behavior is caused by some permanent biological flaw. You’re not a checklist of traits scored four-out-of-seven or five-out-of-nine. You’re a complex, whole, and freely choosing individual whose actions make sense in the context of your life.
Beyond Diagnostic Labels
We don’t use DSM diagnoses because your life is more than a checklist of symptoms. Real change begins with understanding your whole story, not fitting you into a category.
Medication as a Last Resort
While medication can sometimes be necessary, it’s neverthe first step we recommend. We focus on approaches that build lasting strength, skills, and choice – empowering you without unnecessary dependence.
You’re More Than a Number
We don’t use psychometric testing, because no score can capture who you are. We choose to listen, explore, and work with you through open, genuine conversations that honor your unique journey.
An Approach That is Recognized by the WHO!
The approach we use is also one that is endorsed by the World Health Organization as an effective psychological tool for coping with any kind of life crises! It can be described as a kind of psychological vaccine that has been found to be effective in improving and promoting mental resilience in the face of many, if not all kinds of life challenges.
Here’s a paraphrase from Dr. Steven C. Hayes in my interview with him on April 5th, 2022:
“Here’s what the World Health Organization, the best public health and scientific group in the world says about this protocol, this extensively tested protocol is helpful for anyone who is stressed, for any reason, in any circumstance.”
Since being established in 2009, it was in 2019 that we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but also about helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.
Here’s a video about what makes One Life Only Counseling Services different:
May 14, 2025 Nathan Chua was one of two guest resource persons at the UST campus with third year psychology students. Topic was about bulimia and anorexia.
Recent certificate given to Nathan Chua for presenting a talk about couple’s therapy in front an international audience of therapists from Low or Middle Income Country (LMIC). He is the first and so far the only one from the Philippines to accomplish this.
Nathan Chua is probably one of the very few therapists in the Philippines who’s been on mainstream media to talk about ACT and functional contextualism in a way that stays faithful to the model.
Being faithful to the model means therapy isn’t about throwing techniques together like ingredients in a salad. The “therapy salad” approach mixes bits and pieces without coherence, often leaving clients confused. An integrative approach, on the other hand, is guided by a unifying framework – methods are chosen and blended with purpose, creating a clear, consistent direction that serves client’s goals.
In other words, therapy isn’t about randomly mixing different techniques. That can feel confusing, like tossing ingredients together without a recipe. An integrative approach means everything fits together with a clear purpose – so the tools and methods used actually connect and support your journey.
Every step we take together has a purpose, not just a mix of techniques.
Here are some of the testimonials that people have given for our work.
From a parent:
My son was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He’s been undergoing therapy each year between June to September. He’s given synthetic meds in between therapy but i am not seeing consistent progress. We needed to find a psychiatric support that can really help him.
It was a blessing indeed when i met one of the resource speaker from our community event that introduced us to sir Nathaniel.
Here’s an excerpt from my son’s long message to me …. “learning a lot through this therapy and had a ton of realizations din so i wanna say thank u so much ma…”
One life Only counselling services is truly effective and i hope it can help more people who suffers from mental health concerns.
From a partner:
Nathan is amazing! We learned so much about our relationship in just a few sessions. He also gives reading references, which helps a lot to navigate the information he provides in his session. Overall, would recommend to any couple in need of counselling.
From a husband:
Me and my wife ran into a bad patch due to outside pressure put onto our marriage. I decided to book a set of appointments with one life and I can say it help so much I wish we went years ago. We have an amazing marriage and friendship. Best thing we ever did.
Interview with Julius Babao and Christine Bersola Babao, October 25, 2023Guest resource person with Boy Abunda on his show The BottomlineJuly 2024 interview on Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho about jealousy and anger
He has also done interviews on YouTube with the developers of ACT and IBCT.
Interview with Dr. Steven C. Hayes, the developer of ACT, April 5, 2022Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen May 14, 2022
Here is a live interview on Kada Umaga on Net 25 starting at the 25 minute mark:
Here’s a solo interview of Nathan Chua with an ACT Matrix Expert and Counselor from the United States, Jacob Martinez:
Interviews with the experts:
Here are two interviews with the two experts that have had a huge impact on my work in recent years. They are with Dr. Steven Hayes and Dr. Andrew Christensen. Here are the videos:
