Tag: Marriage Counseling
Interviewed by Jacob Martinez, ACT Matrix Expert and Professional Counselor from Wisconsin!
ACT Matrix for Couples: How Couples Get Stuck in Circular Arguments
ACT Matrix for Chronic Cheating or Infidelity
Successful But Unsatisfied
by Nathan Chua
Do you sometimes get that gnawing sense that you seem to have all the trappings of a happy and successful life, but feel an empty void inside nonetheless? Have you felt that life has hit a ceiling and you’d never get to a point where you have reached your full potential? Does it seem like you have made very logical decisions in your life and have come to a point where there is nothing more you can do? Have you gotten congratulatory messages from people that were important to you, but somehow feel like you have done this not out of your own wishes, but only to earn the respect and regard of those around you?
This is the last of a series of articles about Relational Frame Theory or RFT. The phenomenon described above is called reaching an adaptive peak in RFT terms. Some of us may have had this experience in our personal journeys through large chunks of our time. Here are some examples of how this might manifest in your life:
- You’ve gained a lifestyle level that feels comfortable but nonetheless leaves you unfulfilled.
- You’ve been living with an abusive partner who has nonetheless given you the comforts that you want for yourself and your kids.
- You’ve performed well in your work but also had to ingest chemical enhancers for many years.
If you find yourself in these situations, then maybe you are reaching high points in your life with the accolades that you receive, but still feel like you have not gone toward who or what you want to be.
Here is a direct quote from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation,” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte, containing questions you might want to ask yourself and see if they can motivate you to move in a different direction:
- “As you’ve focused more on that goal, do you have a sense you’ve put your life on hold? Like life itself can start after this goal is achieved?”
- “It seems that it has had some payoff—some benefit. The question is, is that payoff worth all this energy invested in it?”
- “If you back up and look broadly, is this the kind of life you wanted to live? Are there any things you deeply care about that you have pushed to the side or put on the shelf?”
If you have heard some stories about people getting to a level of success in their lives and they suddenly surprise you about a sudden move to another career, this is what you might have witnessed. If you are like me, we can sometimes get caught up in achieving goals and forget what qualities we want to live.
Here is a question I would like to ask you and see if this strikes a chord with you: How old is this thought that you need to pursue these outward signs of success? Maybe you came from a difficult past as a child. Your family could barely make enough to pay the monthly mortgage or rent. Have you gone away from some of your deeply held dreams in the pursuit of acknowledgement and material security? If your answer is yes, then you might have hit an adaptive peak or a ceiling in your life. It is understandable because these successes do pay off in the short term.
Your next step would be to examine yourself and see what it is that makes you tick. When do you have a sense that life is moving in the right direction? If you sense that being a creative artist or a dutiful teacher is what you want to be, take small steps in that direction. Find something creative or helpful to kids that you can do within your current setup. Experiment if this works for you and see where it takes you, because you’ll never know what life awaits you on the other side.
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen
Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen, Co-developer of Integrative and Behavioral Couples Therapy
I had a wonderful time with Dr. Andrew Christensen in this interview! Listen to him talk about his background, Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Sexual Concerns, and how to ask your partner to join in couples therapy.
Listen to this interview in our Spotify channel:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bQZ5ie5OkmUlViT4obJzi?si=toUwJ9yuTYaXZV6HzctmPQ
Here are some useful links for you to find the ebook version of Dr. Christensen’s books as well as a self-help website you can use to improve your relationship as a couple:
Reconcilable Differences E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GY6S62I/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GH7J3JRNF0AY6AE425JC
Reconcilable Differences Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B084H368ZZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_GPN806S3W3QDJNPHM69T
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy E-book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CLTFHXR/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_460Y3CXDVMF3Q5SVKZ0G
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy Audiobook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VF8LWDZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_3Q2NZRJF9JGHXQB34T2E
Are you in a mixed or mixed-race relationship?
by Nathan Chua
It is hard enough being married, it can be even more frustrating when you and your spouse or partner grew up in completely different environments and cultures. If you’re like most couples I know, a big part of the decision to get married is laced with dreams of unbounded passion and caring that will never end. Well, if you’re over that part, you’re part of the majority. In other words, it’s just what to expect when you have spent enough time together. The passion dies out and it’s time to grow up and take your relationship beyond infatuation.
A quick look at the definition of a mixed marriage is one where the parties involved are of different racial or religious backgrounds. It’s quite often that the couples I see with this type of configuration will both tell me about how shocked they are to discover how different their perspectives are. One partner may perceive the other as being too direct or harsh with their conversations, while the other feels that it is healthy to be direct. One may follow certain customs that for the other spouse is completely unnecessary and wasteful.
Most of the time, I see couples bogged down with content. The arguments remain on the surface. These can come in the form of who did what first, or if you didn’t do this, I would have done this rather than do what I just did. You can just imagine how tiring this cycle can be. You and your partner or spouse end up lawyering for yourselves. You have become unbudgeable and are feeling major contempt for your partner.
It is hard and I recognize that. Nothing could be more true than to say that these differences can turn out to be stinkers in your relationship. You’ve made a turn to a section on the road to that paradise where you seem to be stuck in an arid desert.
There is a way though for you and your spouse to find ways to grow in your relationship with these differences. The key is to see that you have started to conceive of these differences as defects. They’ve gone through the math, there is no way you can marry someone who is compatible with you. In fact, the probability that you end up with someone incompatible is, guess what? One hundred percent!
Metaphor:
One thing I really like about what I have learned in my approaches to individual as well as couples therapy, is the use of metaphors in my work. One metaphor that I find extremely useful in my personal life is the metaphor of the blind or injured friend. Now let’s suppose that you had a friend you love who you go out jogging with every weekend. Unfortunately, that friend of yours suffered an injury one day and then could not jog as fast as you do anymore or keep the usual pace you had when he was still without injury. Would you expect your friend to run just the same way he did as before the injury? Would you slow down for your friend to keep pace, so at the same time you are doing this activity together, you can do the usual chatting you’re used to?
If you are like most people I know, you would. Why? Because you love your friend that much.
One last thing, when you do such a thing with your friend, or in this case your spouse, try looking through their eyes and see what’s behind them. Maybe you will see a reflection of the person you want to be towards someone you vowed to love and care for. It’s hard yet fulfilling, because you probably saw that in someone else who inspired you to do so in the past. Someone who was willing to give you a hand when you needed it. Maybe that someone who cared is now who you see as a reflection in those eyes that smile back at you and say they love you and appreciate your love. Relish and be mindful of those moments. Maybe they are what will put meaning and purpose in your mixed relationship.
Coping with Tunnel Vision During a Crisis
by Nathan Chua
I am quite certain that most if not all of you, my readers, have experienced being caught in a difficult situation and having to focus mainly on the problem at hand. When there is a crisis, we often develop tunnel vision and end up doing greater harm to ourselves and others. For example, when your teenaged child comes home really late, tunnel vision can lead a parent to think that the child doesn’t care and that the only solution is to show your anger in order to keep them in line. These situations don’t usually end up well. Often, what could have been a moment of tenderness and bonding, turns into a messy fight.
Now don’t get me wrong. Tunnel vision is not always harmful. There are plenty of times when you and I need it. If your toddler suddenly feels the urge to go towards an open window and tries to climb over it, tunnel vision will help you get your child out of that precarious situation. In these instances, following the dictates of your mind works well for you and the survival of your child. If there was a wild animal chasing you thinking you are prey, tunnel vision is what you need in that moment to come out of it alive.
The topic I’d like to discuss here is about the times when developing tunnel vision and instantaneously acting on it, may not be a move in our best interest. A timely example would be that incident when we saw a famous actor in Hollywood come up to a comedian in front of millions of people watching the Annual Academy Awards for motion pictures. We can say that Will Smith developed tunnel vision in the heat of the moment. Although the context of the moment would certainly make hurt feelings understandable, standing up and committing a violent act is the proverbial solution that becomes the problem.
On a larger scale, think about the war in Ukraine. That tunnel vision can cause egregious acts done against our fellow humans. To use an example closer to home, how many times have we seen road rage cause tunnel vision, rendering someone who has no record of violence helpless enough to physically or emotionally harm or even kill someone for a slight.
So here are some ways that I borrowed from Dr. Steven Hayes’ book, “A Liberated Mind,” that could be helpful for us to cope with tunnel vision when it occurs. In my opinion, it is but natural for us to get into that mode of mind, it only takes some mindfulness in the moment to avoid as I had mentioned earlier, making the solution become the problem.
- Try to sense in your body where you feel this current issue is affecting you. Is it a heaviness in the chest? Does it feel like a weight on your shoulders? Tightness in your head? Notice these sensations and give it a good clean yes. Give yourself a minute to experience this without defense.
- Have you seen anyone you cared for in your family who had suffered something like this? Recall that moment and see if you can purposefully witness their struggles with compassion.
- Say yes to the thoughts that come with this problem. See if you can drop any kind of struggle with it and notice them for what they are, just thoughts.
- Is there something here that you can learn from if you project yourself into the future? Is there something in this experience that can help you learn something about your life’s journey?
- See if you can find out why this is so painful for you. Behind anything that hurts you deeply, there could be the values you hold dear. Maybe you’re hurt because you care about honesty or openness. Maybe you are angered because of your love for justice. What could be the loving and caring thing to do at this moment?
- If this was a story in a book you were writing about a hero’s journey, what could this moment be for your hero? How can this moment make your hero become wiser and more alive?
- Do you have other memories attached to this present problem of yours? Can you willingly say yes to just one more of these?
- If there’s someone that you blame for this, can you think of times that you may have done something similar to what they’ve done to you, even if it was in a less hurtful way? Sometimes we point our problems towards other people and avoid seeing how we have in the past behaved in the same way.
- If you had a friend who had this problem, how would you feel towards them? What would you suggest they do?
- You have picked something that your mind says you have to say no to or that you shouldn’t have. Is there something that’s hard for you to give up in order to let go of that no? Perhaps saying yes to the hurt feelings would indicate that you are a weak person. Can you give up that struggle with that thought and allow that to be there just as a thought?
- If you could have these thoughts and feelings without having to fight them, what would you be able to accomplish in your life? Think about taking this along for the ride of your life or the journey you set out for yourself.
That’s all for now folks. Hope this will give you a wider perspective every time your mind gives you that urge to go into tunnel vision.
How humor can save your relationship
by Nathan Chua
We are funny creatures, I have heard Dr. Steven Hayes say in one of his interviews. In the approach that I use for my couples, there is a component that endeavors to help couples reach a level of objectivity especially with regard to their differences. These differences are part of what they bring into the relationship given their histories both from within and outside the relationship.
To illustrate this, let me use an example that is quite a common issue among many couples. A fairly common difference that couples experience is their issues about time and patience in certain contexts. One might be slower than the other. Your partner may be patient in certain circumstances while not so much in others. This may or may not change in your partner. They can be patient as a lamb while waiting for you at the salon but not as patient when waiting at the parking lot. The cases I see mostly have very short fuses when it comes to these enduring differences. It is quite usual that I see couples who complain about major fights and when asked to describe them, would regularly come up with a realization of how trivial the subject of the conversation was to begin with.
Here are a couple of ways you can better cope with such differences. Let’s use the example we just used about waiting. If your partner does not like waiting at the parking lot, then there must be something about that context that makes it problematic for them. See if you can understand what’s behind it. Maybe they are very prompt most of the time and having them wait at a parking lot conjures up some thoughts that make them more anxious. Something they might have learned in childhood or from a previous relationship. You can also recall how much this promptness has made you come to like them in your earlier interactions. As I often share with my clients, if we have time during the session, can you recall what made you like your partner the first time you met? Often, couples will come to see that what is now a sticky issue between them, was part of what initially made them attracted to each other. Qualities that endear you to one another may turn out to be a double-edged sword. The promptness that you came to like from your partner can have impatience on its flipside.
The second tip I have for you today is how to deal with this problem and is actually the topic of this article. Humor! First of all, you have to be aware and mindful of the situations where potential conflict on this issue may arise. In other words, have some foresight. Knowing fully well that your partner can be impatient in such situations, find a way to take that scowl on your partner’s face more lightly. A good example is saying, “Oh I’m so sorry I was five seconds late. I promise to keep it at four seconds next time. I know four is okay, but five is a bit much. My bad!” Of course, say it with the matching facial expression and tone. I hope though that you have a modicum of comedic timing. Finally, please time it when you’re indeed five seconds late!
If you have been to a wedding anniversary celebration a few times, you might notice some of the ways couples cope with their enduring differences and sensitivities. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. You might have seen some tears welling up around the couple’s eyes as they face each other to renew their vows, even as they come up with funny experiences they’ve had in the past about the trivial things they fight about. Remember the proverbial toothpaste and toilet habits? Why? Because that’s what life and relationships are all about. It’s hard work but at the same time as funny and rewarding as they can be.
Remember, coming to couples therapy is limited to an hour or so of work every week. It will not drastically change who you are as individuals. Maybe you can recall some widows or widowers you have visited after the demise of their partners. They would cry and laugh throughout the wake. Laugh because of those treasured moments of laughter that their differences provided. It was hard and came from having years of practice and wisdom, that couples have come to accept and love in each other with a bit of humor, of course.
Divorced? Separated? What can you do?
by Nathan Chua
It took quite a while, but after listening to a podcast interview between Steven Hayes and a couple of divorced individuals, I realized that there is a significant part of the population that I might have missed writing about in a while. I mean we even have local laws that give this segment of our population the same perks as the elderly and differently-abled. Like them, I have also had my share of failed relationships to say the least! How could I?
One of the main problems that people in this segment find themselves in is the walls that they can build around them. Borrowing from an illustration that Dr. Hayes used to describe what these walls signify in our language, it is like asking these clients who have chosen this path after a painful end to a relationship to fill in the blank in this statement, “I will never be that _________ again.” The words that came out of your head tell you what these walls were meant to protect. In the interview Dr. Hayes and the interviewers came up with the following: trusting, innocent, and vulnerable.
Now don’t get me wrong though, there is a place to be mindful of red flags in a potential relationship. But for many who become closed off to relationships and the risks of having one again, they usually end up lonely. They substitute the pain of presence with the pain of absence.
Here’s my version of a little metaphor that Dr. Darin Cairns used in one of his demonstration counseling sessions. If you were playing a therapist to a client named Joe, who decided after being dumped by the love of his life, to remain closed off from any future dates with other women, ask yourself a few questions about him. Do you think that Joe would become safer and less vulnerable to getting hurt? Of course. In the long term though, if he remains unwilling to go out and date someone, do you think he’d be happier? Would he be more or less lonely using this way of coping in the long run? You’d probably say no to both.
Recovering from a lost relationship takes a bit of a balance. You and I still have that part of us that’s willing to go out there and try something different. It is something we share with other animals. We learn by trial and error. We have a bonus though, we also have minds that can direct us to what really matters to us in the long run. If we learn to open up to the pain of our past, we also learn that we care about relationships, or what it is that’s important to us. If you sense the same negative feelings you have had with that abusive partner, then it’s probably time to say no to another one. The problem happens when you and I close off to those painful memories of the past, then we are liable to become victims of the same problems in the future because we don’t learn from them. We just run away from them.
We might also cling on to the belief that somehow our relationship will change the person in front of us. Our problem-solving minds really try to do us the service of staying away from unpleasant thoughts and feelings and clinging on to the pleasant ones, so much so that we are left unaware of the possibility that we are falling into the same traps in the past. Yes, it may feel good to see how you changed the individual in front of you, but do wait for a while and see if it lasts. As Dr. Russ Harris mentioned in one of his training modules, there is a difference between blind and mindful trust.
To summarize, if there was a rule that I can recommend you do in your future as a single individual looking for companionship or deciding to choose a life as a single, then it is this. Be mindful. Be mindful of what you see in front of you, be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and be mindful of your dreams and aspirations. Maybe then you’d come to see that whether you remain single or find that relationship that you’ve been looking for, you still have a full life in front of you that’s vital and challenging at the same time.
You can regain that vulnerability and innocence all over again, but also be wiser and more mindful at the same time.