Suicide Prevention – One Life Only Counseling Services

Fourteen Years of: “Just Call Me Nathan.”

by Nathan Chua

One thing I dislike is titles. I have always been uneasy with titles unless they were used in settings where it is necessary to set limits, respectful, honorific or makes it easier to identify the people being referred to. The counseling room has never been a place where I thought titles were necessary. One thing that I don’t want to impart to any of the people I see. is for them to view me as someone who’s got it all together somehow. I don’t want them to think that I have some kind of panacea that will answer all of life’s problems. I love the way one ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) expert put it, and I will paraphrase it here. I often use this metaphor to describe the kind of relationship I will have with my clients. I am not ahead of them nor am I on top of them looking down. We are just two people climbing up our own mountains that are facing each other. My job is to see what’s ahead of you as you climb yours and give you signals when I see what’s coming your way.

Which brings me to the point that I want to make in this article. What on earth are we doing counseling for? If you have had this question come across your mind before, don’t be alarmed. I have asked myself the same question many times before. Through more than a decade’s work, I have hypothesized about this. As a healer, I thought that my job was to relieve symptoms. As a humanist, I thought that it was to find acceptance and purpose. As a psychodynamic counselor, I thought my job was to come to terms with the past. Today however, as a behaviorist, I have come to see that counseling is about being able to handle our difficult thoughts and feelings in a more effective way.

To date, I still find behaviorism to hold the most promise in helping alleviate human suffering and promoting successful living. Please remember that successful living in this context is not about having the most financial success or the happiest existence. Successful living is about helping people live up to their greatest potential. This is not in the service of any temporary exuberant feelings nor is it about having great wealth, but about having a life that’s meaningful to the unique aspirations of every individual.

What I find hopeful in behaviorism is the goals that it establishes that are based on scientific evidence. A metaphor that ACT therapists use to describe the process is like learning to speak a new language. If we spend a long enough time using a new language, we will start to get used to it and eventually not go back to using our old language. Nonetheless, learning that new language does not mean that we completely forget the old one.

In less metaphorical language, it simply means trying out new or different ways of behaving in the face of life’s problems. There is an old ACT saying among therapists which goes like, I don’t have tricks to change how a client feels, but I have tricks to help a client live the life they want even with those difficult thoughts and feelings. Here are some examples of how this can be manifest in a life:

If you react to painful experiences by griping and ranting, then maybe try sitting with the pain with compassion and find out why it pains you. Maybe it tells you that you care about something that is life-giving and loving.
If you react to painful experiences in relationships by running away, then maybe try to learn new ways of staying put and communicating more effectively to let the other person know how important they are to you.
If you react to painful experiences by distractions like drugs, alcohol, binge watching, or even working, then maybe try to see if you’re missing out on the more important goals or relationships you had in mind before the challenges came.

I don’t know if there’s better science out there. I would like to find out. For now, it’s been quite the adventure of a search for what best serves the lives of those I see. If there is one thing that I am slowly losing while learning ACT, it’s my ego. Good riddance! I am just your fellow sojourner my friends, and that’s why I’d appreciate it if you’d just call me, Nathan.

Thank you for fourteen years. Your shared lives have made mine sweeter and more worthwhile.

Noticing the “If Onlys” of Your Life

by Nathan Chua

This is the second part of a series of articles about rules that our minds give us that can lead us to ineffective behaviors. In the ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy world, we don’t subscribe to the idea that a person is somehow damaged or broken. We think this just leads people into their own prisons, seeing as if their limits are set in terms of what they can do about their inner experiences. I have seen it so many times in therapy sessions, when people come armed with some diagnosis/diagnoses that a mental health practitioner just bestowed upon them. What ACT advocates for is the notion that most of us end up in stuck patterns of relating to our inner world. This is in contrast to the idea that we “have” something that we need to get rid of in order to live a rich and meaningful life. One of these stuck patterns of thinking is the subject of discussion for this post. These are the “if onlys” of life.

Here are some examples that might help you see how this happens.

If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, then I could be nicer to them.
If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could become the person I want to be.
If only I had chosen differently, life would be so much different today.
If only I didn’t have these urges, I would do things differently.

These are just some of what we call inapplicable rules that we follow. They essentially make sense but when followed, they lead us into nothing because of their very nature. They’re simply inapplicable.

How then do these rules affect our behavior? Before I get back to the examples above, I would like you to notice if you have any “if onlys” in your life. Once you’re done, you can continue to read on.

Here are potential ineffective actions that we end up doing if we get hooked by these if onlys:

If only my partner would be more understanding of my feelings, I would nag them less.
If only I didn’t have this ailment, I could have started finding a job or creating a business.
If only I had chosen differently, I would not be stuck here in my room.
If only I didn’t have these urges, I’d be more focused on doing things that matter to my work or my partner.

As I go through more learning in ACT and Relational Frame Theory (RFT), I am beginning to see how important it is to let clients figure out the answers for themselves. It is what makes the client therapist relationship so different from just coming to join a workshop or learning from an online workshop. I don’t want this post to be just another set of rules for you to blindly follow. I want you to come up with your own conclusions.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you start learning to notice such inapplicable rules taken verbatim from the book, “Mastering the Clinical Conversation” by Hayes, Villatte, and Villatte:

“If we just go with that thought, exactly what does it suggest you do right now?
Is this rule for you to follow, or is it one for others to follow?
What is the next step, then?”

If you find yourself answering with an I don’t know, or I guess I just have to wait for things to change to the first question, then it could get you to realize that this is an inapplicable rule that you might have been following to the detriment of pursuing the life you want.

If you answer that the rule is not for you to follow and just for someone else or no one to follow, then you may come to the realization that again, this is another inapplicable rule that has so far taken control of your actions.

If you find it hard to answer what would be your next step as you follow this rule, then you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change the results of the rule.

So as you notice these inapplicable rules, what then can you do even as your mind keeps reminding you of these rules? In ACT, we don’t argue with them or try to get rid of them, but rather bring them along for the ride towards a more meaningful, purposeful life.

Listen to this blog post on Spotify! Click here!

How language can affect your mental health

by Nathan Chua

Ah, the functions of language! Until recent years, I have never thought about how language played a role in our ability to sustain our mental health. As the theory behind this new approach that I am using is framed upon language and how we use it, I would like to introduce you to a few terms that we use in a way that can cause us to experience unnecessary depression, excess anxiety, and even attempts at suicide!

The first expression we use quite a lot in the field of counseling is the word, “healing.” I remember in the years I spent in graduate school, this word was used quite liberally. In fact, there was even a book that had, as part of its title, the words, “wounded healer.” Healing though connotes the idea that we are somehow broken and that we need to be put together like a puzzle or a broken vase in a clinical setting.

Reality though would tell us that this can be nothing more than a figure of speech that at the least, could be considered unhelpful. Because nothing inside of us is really broken. It is rather a form of learning to resort to certain strategies that provide instant relief from emotional pain that end up unproductive and futile; and thereby rendering us feeling more ineffectual and deserving of our sad fate. We are whole and complete. What we suffer when we are said to be having some psychological problems is that of being stuck in a pattern of behaviors that do not serve our best interests.

The next phrase or term I have learned to be used in unhelpful fashions is the idea that comes from stories of people who supposedly went from being dead to surviving a coma. It is often said that they see a great white light and felt immense peace! Attempts at suicide are basically logical responses to removing the difficult feelings brought on by our attempts at living what comes as meaningful to us. It is better to die, since one: it will remove the painful emotions we experience from our pursuits for meaning and purpose, and two: there will be unimaginable bliss thereafter. Unfortunately, allow me to paraphrase an expert in behavioral analysis who said in jest that there has so far been no one on record to have answered a survey from death that talks about how much better it is on that side.

The last term for this post is the word, confidence. We often combine this with the word, “feel.” This means that confidence is a feeling that we need to achieve in order to do something of significance. As Dr. Steven Hayes likes to use etymologies in his work, the word actually means having full trust or faith in Latin. We have somehow in our modern usage of the term used it to mean that it is something we feel rather than something we do. We can still put our full faith in ourselves even as we feel anxious about doing a certain task.

Remember that the best way to live is to focus on what we do rather than what we feel, because there is the possibility of redemption in the former. Our feelings are subject to change and outside of our control. If we hang our hats on them, we will find ourselves stuck in a cycle of frustration, and eventually see ourselves as broken vessels that need to be pieced together, or brought to a place where we choose to end it all permanently for temporary relief from the varied emotions we experience that come with truly living.

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Interview with Chinkee Tan and Christine Bersola-Babao on MagBadyet Tayo about financial conflicts in relationships, October 23, 2023

Nathaniel Chua is a member of an international organization called the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS). He became chair of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Special Interest Group (DEI-SIG) of ACBS; the first Non-North American to do so.

Nathaniel Chua has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and continues to learn more of the most cutting-edge approaches to working with the human condition.

Below is Nathaniel Chua’s first virtual talk held on November 17, 2023 in front of an international group of therapists from Low or Middle Income Countries (LMIC). He is the first from the Philippines to do this:

What is One Life Only Counseling about?

You can be assured that your information with be kept completely confidential.

You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values. We are LGBTQIA+ friendly!

Your counselor will not impose their values and beliefs on you.

We use a scientific model of counseling that has precision, depth, and scope. Below are bullet points to let you understand better what we mean by this:

By precision we mean that our approach to counseling tells you how these mechanisms of change work. It is not enough to say that a sense of self-awareness is what creates changes in people’s behavior. Our approach tells us how self-awareness works as one step within a set of processes that can lead to lasting change.
Depth means the approach we use does not conflict with other theories and models of therapy. In fact, many other approaches can be used as forms of treatment towards greater psychological flexibility. Our approach for instance does not conflict with findings in the area of attachment theory, gestalt therapy, psychodynamic therapy to just raise a few examples. It cuts across other levels of analyses.
Finally, by scope we mean that our approach comes from the discovery of the smallest set of processes that cuts across multiple mental health concerns from anxiety and depression to personality disorders to psychosis, etc. It is a transdiagnostic approach that seeks to understand what many of the symptoms or syndromes come down to, so these processes can be targeted to address many, if not all of the disorders listed in different diagnostic systems.

We are also probably the only counseling service in the Philippines that follows a certain philosophy of science with certain a priori assumptions about human nature. With this in mind, we offer a holistic consistent approach to life’s challenges that is a-ontological, monistic, and pragmatic.
Furthermore, ineffective behaviors are addressed by their classes and functions, therefore making our model of therapy parsimonious and much easier to apply to daily living. Most of our clients are empowered to use the skills they learn in therapy to apply to a multitude of challenging situations without having to rush to a therapist to address specific concerns. If you remember Einstein, everything can be explained by one simple equation, E = mc squared! In other words, we do our best to be ACT-Consistent or as some other experts would call it, we practice, ACT Fidelity!

The approach we use is also one that is endorsed by the World Health Organization as an effective psychological tool for coping with any kind of life crises! It can be described as a kind of psychological vaccine that has been found to be effective in improving and promoting mental resilience in the face of many, if not all kinds of life challenges.

Here’s a paraphrase from Dr. Steven C. Hayes in my interview with him on April 5th, 2022:

“Here’s what the World Health Organization, the best public health and scientific group in the world says about this protocol, this extensively tested protocol is helpful for anyone who is stressed, for any reason, in any circumstance.”

Since 2019, we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but also about helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.

Here’s a video about what makes One Life Only Counseling Services different:

You can read the written version of this video through this link: https://www.onelifeonly.net/about/what-makes-one-life-only-counseling-services-different/

Here is a recent interview for an article on Philstar Life featuring Nathaniel Chua and a legal practitioner about marital sexual consent:

https://philstarlife.com/news-and-views/928796-consent-rape-marriage-explainer

Recent certificate given to Nathan Chua for presenting a talk about couple’s therapy in front an international audience of therapists from Low or Middle Income Country (LMIC). He is the first and so far the only one from the Philippines to accomplish this.

Interview with Julius Babao and Christine Bersola Babao, October 25, 2023

Interview with Dr. Steven C. Hayes, the developer of ACT, April 5, 2022

Interview with Dr. Andrew Christensen May 14, 2022

Guest resource person with Boy Abunda on his show The Bottomline

One of several TV appearances on Sakto with Marc Logan and Amy Perez

July 2024 interview on Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho about jealousy and anger

Here a video of Nathan Chua’s appearance on a “Dapat Alam Mo” Episode:

Here’s a solo interview of Nathan Chua with an ACT Matrix Expert and Counselor from the United States, Jacob Martinez:

Pursuing the Happy Life

by Nathan Chua

When you raise your head to look ahead as you traverse the busiest streets of Manila, there will undoubtedly be dozens of billboards craning for your attention as you look into the distance and survey the sea of traffic ahead of you. It sort of is a means to break the monotony of tail lights shimmering about several kilometers ahead. Lots of cheery faces showing you how much more you can grab out of life if only you had that new car, home, outfit, hairstyle, and yes, even that new loan! Yeah, that is the good life, the feel good life!

Positivity has become the antidote to much of what we experience in life as trials and misfortunes. We can always just think about positive things and all will be alright as far as our internal mechanisms are concerned.

Just recently heard Dr. Steven Hayes in one of his podcast interviews talk about the futility of this approach to life’s realities. Once again he uses an interesting comparison of this “feel only the good” agenda to just wanting our fingers to feel things that we like. Unfortunately, that is only doable if we totally remove the sense of touch from our fingers. There is no way to teach our fingers to just feel the good ones and not the bad ones. If you feel the soft touch of your pillow at night, you will also feel the roughness of sandpaper as you work on some cleaning project at home. Removing what we dislike can only be done if we remove all the sensations our fingers can feel.

It’s a pretty apt metaphor for not wanting to feel unpleasant emotions. Our minds and our nervous systems come with the ability to experience both sides of the spectrum. If we constantly wish to run away from difficult thoughts and feelings, we will also end up unable to feel pleasant emotions. If we numb ourselves from feeling difficult emotions, we also by default have to remove ourselves from feeling the opposite.

Because of the constant barrage of information we get saying that, the meaningful life ought to make us feel good, we lose touch with what is truly important to us. Maybe that very thing that you have been looking for to find meaning in your life is really contained in some activity that you wish you could do, if only your mind would stop telling you that it’s too hard! Forget about it, you will end up just getting hurt.

Maybe it is in that project you wished you could start because it is where you lose consciousness of time when you engage in doing it. But you are afraid that you will end up being a laughing stock to your friends and family if you did. Maybe it’s in that dating life that you wish you can resume after a painful divorce. But your mind tells you, you better not, because it will hurt even more. Maybe it is taking that step to talk to your child about something you wish he or she can see from your perspective. But your mind tells you, you will just end up spoiling your kid and surrendering some of that power you have over him or her.

All of these yearnings point to what truly matters to us and the existential anxiety we have about how we spend our time as we remain alive and conscious. If it is important for you to have that career, then you will feel anxious pursuing it. If it is important for you to have a good relationship, then you will feel terrified by the idea of meeting new people for romantic reasons. If it is important for you to be loving to your child, then you will feel like you’re walking on eggshells raising one.

As an old ACT saying goes, we care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. Anything that is worth pursuing in life will hurt because we care about them. It won’t always be happy. There is no guarantee unfortunately. The only thing that is sure is that if you pursue a life that matters rather than a life that’s happy, you will then know what it means to live meaningfully. As one 19th century sage put it, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Sunset Mode of Mind

by Nathan Chua

Happiness, contentment, gratitude, a look on the bright side. These are just some of the terms that we throw around a lot like an old ad slogan, but find eternally elusive.

I remember a former philosophy professor write this on the board once, “Humans are insatiable beings.” I have pondered on this truth for so long but have long wondered what the reason for this is. I am now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel in my long search for an explanation. Maybe science has found the answer, the behavioral sciences that is.

As far as this area of study is concerned, the culprit is really our human minds. Don’t get me wrong. I am not here to say how stupid our minds can get. In reality, our minds are wonderful! Without them we would not be where we are now as a species. We’d be subject to what other species experience on a daily basis that we can only imagine in movies which depict our prehistoric existence.

Pardon my writing nowadays as I adjust to talking more like a scientist than before when humanistic language came very easily to me. So help me out here, I am struggling trying to get a more scientific message across. Nonetheless, it is my hope that my blog remains as inspiring to you as it is for me to write my thoughts and share them with you, my visitors and subscribers.

I digress!

So here’s what our minds are very good at doing. Our minds are judgmental machines. They can churn out all kinds of criticisms anytime, anywhere. You can try this at home. Pick any object in your room wherever you may be (you can even be at a friend’s house, but just do this quietly in your head for your sake and your friendship’s!). Now try to see everything that’s wrong with it. Go ahead, try it. When you’re done, do it twice more on two different objects you see in the room.

If you’re like most everyone else, you would probably notice that your mind can really do a great job of this. It gets better as you move from one object to another. Do you see now what I am driving at? That’s your friend Mind’s forte!

Ever noticed how some of the most successful, famous, and wildly attractive people in the world can’t seem to get to a point where they can say, “Hey, this is great! I am happy where I am at!” You would have probably noticed that in yourself too. Look back about five years ago and think of the things you have now that you wished you had then. Remember how unsatisfied you were with what you had and where you were at? If you have been losing some stuff you used to enjoy, then it becomes all the more easier to let your mind go and tell you how much more stuff you still need.

That in a nutshell is what our minds do. It’s natural and it also is the secret to why humans dominate the earth. So don’t worry or don’t fret if you feel like a selfish person for thinking that you don’t have enough. It is your mind, mind you, that’s doing it for you. It thinks it is doing you a service by keeping you thinking about what you could be missing or what could go wrong when you’re missing what you’re missing.

But what you can learn here that your mind cannot get, is that you are a human being that is capable of noticing what your mind is doing. All those judgmental critical thoughts of who you are and what you’ve accomplished are just part of the deal of being a human with a brain. The key here is to know when it’s happening and make a pivot or shift towards what life has to offer in the moment. For this moment is all we really have. Neither can we change the past nor control our future. It is this moment that we can change and we can control!

It is that mode of mind that tells you you are watching the sun go down, and you look with wonder and surprise at how wonderful it can be. You know, that sunset mode of mind, like the title of this blogpost? I betcha you can’t appreciate the sunset and do the exercise we just did in this post! I don’t think so! For who wants to see the sunset and figure out what’s wrong with it? Not me, and I guess neither do you.

And guess what, science has come full circle to an old eastern tradition of being mindful. The answer was found in the future, in the form of science that has gone to the past to find the answer!

Mindfulness gets us into that sunset mode of mind…everyday! Do it while you’re brushing your teeth or walking around your neighborhood…and see how great it is to be alive just by being more present, more conscious, and more aware!

Until the next (more scientific) blogpost. See ya!

Mind Rules

by Nathan Chua

Don’t touch that! Don’t go there or you’ll hurt yourself! These are just some of the rules that anyone who grows old enough will learn perhaps during the early childhood stages. Such rules are important to ensure our safety and survival. It is precisely this capability that allows us to not always have to rely on our experience to know that something can threaten our physical safety. This has made us as a species such a success. In fact, so successful that we dominate the planet! Ever wondered why such helpless beings as we, with no enlarged fangs or sharp claws, can keep menacing predators away? We have built cities to surround us and keep us away from such threats. Otherwise we’d be dinner for some of them!

These rules however, only work when we are dealing with computer problems, external threats of a physical nature, and when we want to fix a leak in the house. Our minds are pretty useful when it comes to such problems. Unfortunately, our minds are also unable to discern when these rules are handy, and when they are less helpful or even unhelpful. In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) linggo we call this phenomenon fusion. It is when we fuse with our thoughts that we run into trouble. Fusing means we either fight away these thoughts or we follow what these thoughts say we should do.

In the first nine years of working in this field, I can see the parallels between this perspective and my work regarding emotions. We need to be able to feel our emotions because they can serve as a guide for better living. From a cognitive behavioral standpoint, it gives us another angle from which to view such phenomena. Why do we explode in anger? Or shrink our lives into depression and anxiety? Where have we learned this strategy that the best way to live our lives is to shirk our unpleasant emotions and grab on to the pleasant ones. The rule states that emotions are bad for your health; get rid of bad feelings.

Here are some ways that we fuse with our thoughts about emotions. We fuse with the idea that some emotions are bad and that they need to be eradicated. Feeling good is not a valued outcome in life. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, but our emotions shift constantly throughout the day. Having that feel good target in our lives can only lead to one frustration over another.

And because we have these evaluations about our feelings, we also derive a new rule that tells us that feelings can become causes of our behavior. As children, it was quite normal for parents to believe that being able to predict their child’s feelings meant having more control of the child’s behavior. They would not want the child to be angry because anger normally leads to physical altercations.

Sadly the rule that some feelings are bad or that some feelings can cause us to do something bad takes its roots from here. The results of such rule-based decisions about our behavior can be constricting to life. Here are some examples:

I need to feel confident before I can mingle with the people in this party.
I can’t exercise if I feel lazy.
I feel depressed so I have to go get some comfort food.

Dr. Russ Harris has a great example of how we can actually see that these rules aren’t true, and even if they were true, they’re not helping us live the lives we are aiming for. If someone pointed a gun at you and told you that you should not feel anxious, how successful do you think you may be? But if someone did the same thing to you and told you to sing and dance while a gun is pointed at your head, you’d probably be more successful.

So next time your mind gives you these thoughts that somehow you should get rid of “bad” feelings first before you can get on with your life, stop for a moment and see how helpful or unhelpful this thought is. Are your feelings stopping you from applying for that promotion? Are your feelings stopping you from calling that person you want to date? Are your feelings telling you that you’re a loser when it comes to losing weight?

The key here is to learn how to handle such difficult feelings that come with life’s challenges, more effectively. We normally do great when things are going well in our lives. It is when we encounter the harsh realities of life that living our lives the way we want to, becomes a challenge.

Letting Go!

by Nathan Chua

It’s become a buzzword nowadays. Let go! And be free! However, what does letting go really mean? Where is the wisdom in this? Does it mean that we should just throw up our hands in surrender? Submit to whatever life throws our way? Does it mean just going with the flow and not pursuing what we want?

In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a better life is one where the process is itself, the outcome. Outcomes can be very unpredictable. We may choose to develop a romantic relationship with someone but end up being rejected. We can burn the midnight oil and yet fail in a job application, a promotion, or an important exam.

The first step to letting go is to understand what we can and cannot control. For example, an angry spouse, or a recalcitrant teenaged child with the accompanying unpleasant thoughts and feelings that these important relationships bring, are hard to control. As our focus moves towards controlling our feelings and thoughts and the significant people in our lives, many of us eventually discover how far we have gone away from the person we had always wanted to be. Some of us may have had experiences of these rude awakenings. I know I have!

Letting go means that we can drop the struggle with things that are outside of our control: our own thoughts and feelings, circumstances, and other people. A popular metaphor is the tug of war that happens in our heads. We are constantly drawn towards fighting this war between how we want to be and how we don’t want to be. It feels like an angel and a devil taking up space inside of us, with each one pulling on either side of the rope. We desperately want the angel in us to win this war! We get trapped in this perpetual struggle, unaware about the only way we can end this war within, which turns out to be simply dropping the rope, or dropping the struggle, or letting go of the struggle!

The Chinese Finger Trap provides us with an excellent metaphor of letting go:

So in the psychological sense, letting go is about letting go of the struggle with our own thoughts and feelings that come with what life brings to the table for us. Let life be as it is and treat it with a sense of wonder.

Allow these unpleasant thoughts and feelings to go through you and start to choose what actions you would like to take in dedication to your lifelong values. Values are shown by the choices you make that bring you to what you wish to stand for in any given moment. Live according to what is in your control and let go of your struggles with pain, in order to find out how rich and meaningful life can be, even with all of its pains.

Values vs. Virtues: What’s the difference?

by Nathan Chua

Have you ever felt like an outcast where people seem to have their morals in place and you have not? Do you sometimes feel like a misfit in a deeply religious group? Everyone around you seems sure of what is judged to be right or wrong, good or bad, and you are left out not knowing why you feel restless about such strongly held beliefs.

The good news is, you are not alone. How many of us have felt like we held certain values that go against what is commonly accepted as correct and acceptable to the culture and society? Many!

The key here lies in how we understand the terms that we use. We often think that there must be something wrong with our values since they don’t jibe with what is held out to be correct by society. I am not saying that I have the official definition of the terms I will be using here. This post is only a means to help you, my dear readers, find a place of comfort where your values can find legitimacy no matter how outlandish you think they might be.

Let me use a couple of terms that a foremost expert in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy uses to distinguish two words that are normally taken to mean the same: values and virtues.

A value is something that can be summed up in one word. If it needs to be said in more than just one word, then it turns into a rule or a virtue as we are using it here. One can hold being loving, caring, compassionate, accepting, assertive, etc as a value. Once it turns into, “I have to be loving all the time,” then it becomes a rule. Values are meant to be held lightly and as a kind of being in every moment, but nonetheless, can be pursued determinedly.

Here’s a metaphor to give you an idea what a value is. If you ever liked mountain climbing, you would know that your goal of reaching the top is separate from the process of reaching it. You climb a mountain with the goal of reaching the top, but the goal is not just about reaching the top but to experience the process of reaching the top. In other words, you may or may not reach the top, as mountain climbing can be a rather risky activity, but it doesn’t matter as much as simply climbing the mountain. If you hold on too much to the goal of reaching the top to gain a sense of accomplishment or belonging, then you lose the value of experiencing the journey itself or the activity of mountain climbing.

Virtues on the other hand, sound more like goals or rules to follow. Again, I am not talking here about a dictionary definition. This is about distinguishing two ideas to help us understand how values-directed and virtues-directed living can be distinguished from one another. Virtues have a sense of conformity in them. It can come in the form of a statement like, “I should be nice, otherwise people won’t like me.”

So here is how it works in our daily experiences, a value may not be accepted as a virtue in certain cultures. For example, you may have the value of being assertive, but the culture may not see that as a virtue. You and I can run into some conflicts with these types of long-held beliefs about what is acceptable or not.

I am quite sure that you have been in some rather difficult situations before wherein you had this feeling that you were doing right by your own conscience, but seem to be unwelcomed by many. Fear not! Anything that we hold as important will come with the pain of not finding it manifested in our own lives as well as the others around us or in the larger community even. If we care about equality of opportunity, we will find pain in seeing ourselves and others that are not given such opportunities. When we care about life, we will find death fearful. When we care about friendships, we will feel anxious and awkward in social situations. When we care about people who have disabilities, we will care about accessibility of public places.

So take heart my friends! For anything that grieves you from the pain of past experiences, you will find something beautiful inside you that you may have failed to see. You may care about the rights of oppressed groups because a part of your history tells you that there is a person there behind your eyeballs that saw that oppression in the past! For any kind of past sufferings you have experienced, you will find a gift. And that gift may very well be love, which in the end sums up much, or even all of what we’d like to live for anyway.

What makes our difficult emotions more difficult?

by Nathan Chua

All of us go through this. We feel some anxiety, sadness, anger, and so on and seem to dig ourselves deeper into the abyss of unpleasant emotions.

There is a reason why we see ancient traditions of meditation where wise people sit for periods of time. Part of the exercise is to be able to stay with difficult thoughts and the feelings that come along as they sit. In fact the type of meditation that is referred to here is called just sitting.

Contrary to the logic that we so often use so well with problems that are external to us, our struggle lies not in our difficult emotions, but with how we relate to them. As kids, we were trained by our parents or other guardians to show mostly feelings that are labeled as positive. These are rules we learn early when we are first taught to listen to and recognize words that refer to positive or negative consequences to our behaviors. Mom and dad don’t like it when we are sad and crying because such feelings attached to the behavior get in the way of a quiet night watching a movie or a party with friends. Your crying loudly in church or a friendly gathering doesn’t allow for the adults in the room to focus on what is going on.

As a result, we learn to judge our own feelings as bad and in turn judge ourselves as bad too for having such unwanted emotions.

Dr. Russ Harris gives us a list of how our mind judges our feelings and make them worse:

“Why am I feeling like this?”
“What have I done to deserve this?”
“Why am I like this?”
“I can’t handle this!”
“I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“I wish I didn’t feel like this!”

The key here is to be able to describe our feelings instead of evaluating them. Evaluating our feelings means we begin a struggle with them and think that the only way forward to doing that important project is to get rid of such feelings. Let me be okay first before I go on with my day and my plans. I will only go for that promotion or approach that person I want to date when I feel confident enough.

Unfortunately, these judgments against our own feelings become invisible barriers that stand in the way of us pursuing that very thing that would make us feel like we are living in accordance with what we aspire to be. We go from a natural pain that life gives us when we end up in tough situations, to a manufactured pain or a pain that we create for ourselves wherein we become entangled in a war inside our minds…while precious time ticks away. Eventually, that promotion goes to someone else at work or that date gets involved with someone else.

Describing our painful emotions on the other hand, allows us to approach difficult feelings with curiosity. As we do so we are more able to allow such feelings to hang around for a while and then come and go as they please. Note though that we have no control over how long or if these unpleasant feelings will stay or not. The more we try to control them and want to get rid of them, the more they linger and make us end up being at war with our own thoughts and feelings.

Just remember, we are not our histories, they are just a part of us. Hating our own past and wishing they were different means being at war with something we can learn from. Our histories can either enrich our lives or be our worst enemies. We just have to choose.

One Life Only Counseling Services provides an evidence-based, transdiagnostic approach to counseling with proven results in addressing a variety of mental health concerns. We provide both in person and online video counseling as well as soft skills training workshops for corporate and non-profit organizations.