Counseling – Page 9 – One Life Only Counseling Services

Interview Conducted with Dr. Matthieu Villatte!

Perhaps we are making Philippine history here!

Here’s a video of my interview with Matthieu Villatte, PhD who is an Assistant Professor at Bastyr University in Seattle, WA in the United States.

He obtained his doctoral degree in psychology in France, where he was trained as a clinical psychologist. He moved to the US in 2010 to complete a post-doctoral fellowship at the University of Nevada, Reno under the mentorship of Steven Hayes, PhD.

Matthieu Villatte is the author of numerous books and chapters on mindfulness, acceptance, experiential therapies, and contextual behavioral science, such as the first manual published in French on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Mastering the Clinical Conversation: Language as Intervention, co-authored by Jennifer Villatte and Steven Hayes.

In the video, we talked about how the principles of behavioral therapy apply to everyday lives of people, the OFW or migrant worker phenomenon prevailing in the Philippines, as well as the pandemic!

Listen to the audio version on Spotify! Click here!

Living with Obsessive Thoughts

By Nathan Chua

If you take a closer look at the title of this article, you might see that one word is not capitalized. First of all, it’s what I learned in English composition about how titles should be written. Prepositions are supposed to remain in the lower case when inserted into a title. Secondly and coincidentally, it is probably what would make the approach I use a bit different from what you would mostly encounter in other mainstream therapies. I used the word, “with.” I could have written something like, “Living FREE of your Obsessive Thoughts,” or “Living with LESS Obsessive Thoughts,” or “OVERCOMING Obsessive Thoughts,” or “MANAGING Obsessive Thoughts.” However, that would just take me to the same agenda that is, as I said, mostly what you would expect from the mainstream.

The “”with” part is a big part of what I do in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Training (ACT). You might now be worried or your mind is begging you to ask, “Are you into some kind of torture method?…Don’t you have a way of bringing me at least some relief from these obsessive thoughts? Well, of course we all want relief, and that’s pretty much why people come to see a shrink. But it’s in the “how” you get relief that makes it problematic.

The automatic reaction which is logical, reasonable, and sensible, is to come to therapy with the idea that I can somehow magically remove or lessen your obsessive thoughts. As a renowned psychologist would say, and I paraphrase, “You just happen to be doing what’s reasonable, logical, sensible, and by the way, pathological. It’s logical but it’s also nuts!”

Now before you come to me for help, I want you to notice what it is that you have tried to get rid of those thoughts. Have you taken pills? Have you tried to reason out to yourself to relieve yourself of those thoughts? Have you opted out of things you used to do, hoping that if you stop doing them, you wouldn’t be reminded of those thoughts?

So my next question is, “Have those attempts worked?” Have you been able to remove such obsessions that your mind gives you? Well, you could say yes they have, but if you come to me, then ask yourself, “What for?” Most likely, you are reading this or coming to see me because the thoughts have remained. Yes, they did leave you for a while, but they seem to catch up with you sooner or later.

So let’s do one of my favorite ACT exercises to help you live WITH your obsessive thoughts. On a piece of paper, write down all the difficult obsessive thoughts that you have. You may even include some feelings or bodily sensations that come with those thoughts.

Now, do this. Put it in your pocket and answer a few questions.

Do you have to want to put this paper in your pocket, to put it in your pocket?
Does it take a lot of effort to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to change anything that you have written in this piece of paper in order to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to believe in what you wrote in this piece of paper to put it in your pocket?
Do you have to pretend to put the paper in your pocket in order to put it in your pocket?

If all your answers here are no, then put it in your pocket. If you answer yes to any, think about why your answer is yes. Are you trying to suppress these thoughts? Are you playing the role of another person you think will represent who you are? Are you trying to argue with such thoughts? How many of these have you already tried before? Have they worked to get you to live the life you want or be the person you want to be?

If you’re one who answered no, then put this in your pocket to remind yourself that you are willing to have this because it is in your own best interest to have all these thoughts in your pocket and still do what’s important to you.

Let me end with a quote from a book that also quotes a regular person who had attended an ACT group. This is one of a number who described what willingness meant to them and to their lives:

“Why willingness? Because it is a normal human process to feel pain, and it is inhumane and unloving to try to hold myself to a different standard,” from an anonymous ACT training participant, taken from a book co-written by Steven C. Hayes.

How to be a guide to your teenager

by Nathan Chua

Generation gap? What happened to my baby? I want the best for her but she seems to not understand! He’s not listening to my words anymore. She seems to spend more time in her room, on her phone than with us parents exactly when there are opportunities to connect and bond. These are just some of the common problems I see from parents who, for the first time, are feeling like they have lost control over their teenage child.

One of my favorite metaphors to share with parents who struggle with their teenagers is that of a mother bird who has a few grown up chicks that are just about ready to fly out on their own. Your teenager wants to take flight. They will have some unsuccessful attempts and this is the time you could be seen by your child either as a teammate or a big obstacle.

The teen years are like the toddler years. They can be really challenging. Remember how much you had to worry about your toddler hurting himself, or losing them in a mall? Your teenager is no longer a child but not yet an adult, just as your toddler is no longer an infant but not yet able to walk without falling badly at times. This can be a painful realization for the parents. If there was separation anxiety for kids, I think this could be the closest thing to it that parents experience.

One of the more frequent complaints I get from parents is that their kids are no longer listening to their admonitions and at times showing no fear of their sterner warnings. In some cases, one parent plays the good cop and the other the bad one. Not only does the conflict happen between the parents and the child, but also between the couple. One resents playing the bad cop and the other resents the other for being the bad cop. It’s quite a common issue for parents with kids, to disagree about how to parent.

But I get it. Parents have all the good intentions to keep their kids from harm and get them to a brighter future. The problem lies in the way they do it. Dr. Darin Cairns has come up with an interesting metaphor on how to help your relationship with your teenager get better. Dr. Cairns asks parents to choose if they wish to act as gatekeepers or guides.

More often, parents perform the role of gatekeepers. They determine for their children what they should or should not do. Of course, there are certainly some things that parents would not want their kids to try, like crossing the street without a care about vehicles coming toward them. Most of the time however, gatekeepers use rules of what to do or not to do for their kids without much of an explanation or giving the child a sense of some autonomy over their actions and choices. Guides, on the other hand, are parents who validate their teens, allow them to make choices, and let them see for themselves the consequences of these choices.

It doesn’t end there though, being a positive guide is also part of this equation. By positive I don’t mean that everything should be happy and joyful. This will give the impression to the child that it is bad to feel sad or anxious or angry or any of the unpleasant emotions. By positive I mean that you should focus on asking your child to do things rather than telling them what not to do. Why? Because through this your child will not feel criticized and will take your guidance as an opportunity to learn new things and give them a sense of agency.

Well, I am getting tired as I write this. Suffice it to say that I completely empathize with parents of teenagers. It is quite the chore but nonetheless it can be rewarding to be a guide and a friend to your teenager rather than a gatekeeper who is constantly on the lookout for what disaster your kid is up to now. Haha!

How to start Marriage/Relationship Number 2

by Nathan Chua

New year, new dear? Yes, you can, as a couple, start your relationship all over again! You might be wondering how in the world can I, as a counselor, help you change your partner? Oh he’s been like that for a good part of two decades now! What gives me the audacity to claim I can change your partner? Well, there is a way my friends! And the wonderful thing about it, is it’s up to you, not your partner. Let me tell you how to curtail your long wait.

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but paradoxically, the best way to change your partner is to accept him! Of course I’d be lying if I told you that this was guaranteed. But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried many, many ways to change your partner, and they all haven’t worked. In fact, the more you try to change your partner, the more rigid he becomes. Most of the time, you find yourselves stuck in a verbal skirmish that could put to shame some lawyers you know, in terms of the tenacity and adroit argumentation that both you and your partner display.

Let me explain what I mean with an example. If let’s say your partner is not as neat and tidy as you are. You are now exhausted with all the cleaning up to do and the reminders you have to make to help your partner remember to do her side of the bargain. You then come to therapy and learn that these things are better off accepted and can take a long time to change, especially with the way you have been heretofore dealing with the problem. Based on this new understanding or awareness that what you have been doing is part of what keeps you stuck, you start laying off on the reminders and become more accepting of the fact that your partner will be hard-pressed to turn into the neat and tidy person that you want. There is a likelihood that your partner will notice the change in your attitude. You no longer holler and complain as much as you used to. She may notice that and begin to see how hard it is for you to be left alone taking care of house chores. Pretty soon you see her performing some of the chores to please you, precisely because you have accepted her with these differences she brings into the relationship.

Another tip is also to be more noticing of your partner’s efforts to change. If you notice that she has started doing some unexpected cleaning, be mindful enough to show her your appreciation. Give her a smile or a hug or say some encouraging words of appreciation. You’d know more than I do what makes your partner happy. Show her that you’re not missing the forest for the tree…maybe for the first time in a long long while.

Now, do you notice also that in both of these pieces of advice that I just enumerated, who is in control? Is it your partner or you? It is you. You have control over your actions of whether to accept your partner’s differences in the way she keeps her place tidy. You also have control over your behaviors that involve encouraging her by your appreciation.

So creating marriage number two is not about changing your partner, it’s more about changing you! And the most accessible parts of you that can be changed, are those that involve your choices to act. You may feel frustrated and uncomfortable, but in the end you have the option to keep whining and complaining and criticizing your partner, or start the process by coming to accept that certain things are hard to change.

As a summary of what you can keep in mind to help you change the way you have been approaching your relationship or marital concerns, here are some immortal words from Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve problems with the same thinking that we used to create them.”

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Facing the New Year with Awareness, Courage, and Love

by Nathan Chua

The title of this post is not an original, at least the part that counts most. Many times in my graduate studies, I had wondered what, bottomline, counseling was about. I mean, what is it basically that we are trying to accomplish? At some point in my graduate studies, I thought it was forgiveness. It turns out that I will find an answer to this in my readings of Kevin Polk and his co-authors. It’s about helping clients to become more aware, to act courageously, and to do so lovingly.

Let’s take them one at a time.

Awareness:

Much of what we regret doing stems from acting in ways that are automatic. How often have we seen people commit homicides in this country, only to see them realize that they had lost control over their actions for a split second? There was even a case of a police officer who had a sterling record of service, who now has an indelible audiovisual account of him shooting a hapless middle-aged woman dead. His promising career that took him years to build was upended by a brief moment of rage.

Awareness is a word that I often heard around the graduate classes I attended. In ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the word that is more often used to describe awareness is noticing. For me, the gerund form makes it an active pursuit that we can do from moment to moment. If we learn to practice noticing, then there’s a chance for a split second that the police officer I earlier mentioned would be able to choose more effective actions in that moment of rage. It could have averted the loss of two lives. One ended by a shot in the head, while the other was left to languish in prison.

Courage:

One thing ACT has taught me is that noticing is not just noticing or being aware of the difficult thoughts and feelings that we have. It also involves noticing the rest of us. By that I mean, we also notice other facets of the context that can move us in the direction of what is important to us in each moment. Being a complete human being with all its history and complexity involves noticing that part of us that can move towards important ends.

Over involvement in avoiding and controlling difficult inner experiences can lead us to tiring out of life and learning hopelessness is just around the corner anytime. The peculiar thing about us is that we are capable of doing things that we don’t normally expect from ourselves when the stakes are high enough to respond in ways that go beyond our own urges to be self-protective. We seem to be capable of running towards difficult inner experiences rather than run away when it matters. That shy, unassuming classmate of yours can all of a sudden show up in the news being called a hero for saving a complete stranger from a burning car. As Dr. Steven Hayes, the instigator of ACT, loves to say, “That’s just the kind of monkey we are.” So we are capable of doing courageous, selfless acts. It’s just built in. It can resurface in our consciousness if we become more noticing.

Love:

And as we do those courageous acts, we are also capable of seeing the world from other people’s perspectives. We are capable of empathy and acts of kindness in the face of challenging circumstances. You, my readers, do it every day! We can do inconvenient acts for the sake of someone we care for. We come to the side of those who mourn. We help out without anyone knowing. We care for our kids even if it means sacrificing our own convenience.

That in a nutshell can sum up what we do in counseling. Making us the whole human beings that we were meant to be based on how we were wired. It’s not easy being human because we have a very handy tool that can also cause us much suffering. The mind is there to do its job. Objectively noticing that it is neither a boss nor an enemy makes a big difference. We just need to learn to notice it doing its thing, face our fears and do things that matter anyway, and then do it with love and care for ourselves and others as well. In other words, we are all capable of awareness, courage, and love, but sometimes we are not aware, or aware that we are not aware sometimes. And this my friends, takes practice!

Have a more noticing new year to come and thank you for coming to this place for the past 2021.

Listen to this post on Spotify! Click here!

Don’t judge yourself…but how?

by Nathan Chua

Don’t judge yourself!

Well, how’s that done? Unfortunately, once we decide to not judge ourselves for judging ourselves, then what are we doing? We are judging ourselves for judging ourselves. It is not just that we judge, but we judge the judging. So we are judging “judging!”

Let’s do this well-loved exercise to discover how our minds work. If I tell you that you are a pretty okay person, notice what your mind does to that thought. If I tell you that you are the nicest, most wonderful person on the planet that ever lived, notice what your mind does with that thought. Finally, if I tell you, you are the worst and least kind person on the planet, notice what your mind does with that. If you notice, your mind will come up with different thoughts with every comment. It’s like it is arguing with itself and it will not stop!

In its earlier days, ACT was called comprehensive distancing. This means that in ACT, we are not so much interested in the content of our thoughts as the function of our thoughts. In order to do that, we need to separate ourselves from our thoughts. The first step is to notice our thoughts as just thoughts. They don’t have to be gotten rid of or believed or followed.

The key to more psychological freedom is to notice how the mind works. By freedom I don’t mean that we will eventually be free of our thoughts, but rather that we will become more capable of saying no to the dictates of our thoughts. Some of those dictates lead to compliance, while some lead to resistance and judging! In other words, noticing how our minds work helps us to become more capable of making effective choices for a better life.

Now let’s get back to the judging. The mind is an excellent judging machine. It has to because otherwise we would not be as successful a species as we would like. Why is this so? Judging has its uses. In order to survive longer, our minds have to judge the surroundings and look out for threats. Therefore, to know which ones are a threat and which ones are not, our minds would have to judge!

As Dr. Russ Harris illustrates, back when we were cave dwellers, we needed our minds to judge the presence of a threat to our survival. Our minds are there as survival tools that get us through inclement weather, save us from predatory animals, or whatever threats there may be. Unfortunately, that same function of the mind is not limited to external threats only. The human mind translates all signals of threat as one. Regardless of whether it is a physical external threat or an internal one, the signals evoke the same urges to respond in a certain way. The fear of an approaching bear is construed as the same fear when we have thoughts of a bear.

The subject of the work of an ACT therapist is to help the client notice that these mental processes are just that, mental. The noticing is followed by an open stance or a willingness to have such difficult experiences in the service of doing what is important to the client.

So there you are! If there was anything that you and I know about ACT as an approach to therapy, this skill of noticing thoughts as thoughts and judgments as judgments is key! Now how about judging the “judging?” Notice the judging and remember that this is just another function of the mind. There is nothing inherently wrong with judging “judging,” for that is what the mind does. What we can practice is to notice the judging as what it is, not what it says it is.

Our minds are like an overzealous friend who wants to be helpful. It is not our enemy. Think of it as your child just wanting you to be a comfortable and safe parent. Therein lies one of the keys to being mindful and living the mindful life. These parts of you are not your enemies but your friends or your children. Love them for what they are, not as what they say they are, and we’ll soon be on our way to a more loving and more compassionate existence.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Why some remain skeptical about counseling

by Nathan Chua

With the way many mainstream and social media entities have dealt with the topic of mental health, it may be surprising for some to know that therapy and counseling has yet to completely shake off the social stigma attached to seeking help for mental health problems. Although the pandemic could have reduced some of the skepticism, there are still many who are adamant about their views. I know some of you reading this will think, “Uh oh, here we go again, another article in defense of seeking professional help.” Quite the contrary though, and sorry to disappoint you, but this post is more about taking a long hard look at what the profession has done to produce such skepticism. Maybe it’s time to look inside our practices and see what our role is in contributing to this lack of confidence.

In his book, “The Anatomy of an Epidemic,” author and journalist, Robert Whitaker talks about how drugs have been abused to treat otherwise well-functioning individuals who suffered serious albeit temporary mental problems. As I have written before in a previous blog post, this is what Dr. Steven Hayes often refers to as the “DSMization” or biomedicalization of mental health care. Dr. Hayes even encourages dropping the term, “mental health,” for something that is more attuned to what the current science is showing. He suggests the use of mental resilience or mental skills instead. In sum, the current approach of classifying people into categories and subcategories of disease has done more harm than good. It has led to the abuse of medications that more often produce unnecessary and rather serious side effects. I have written about this in a past blog post, so let’s turn now to the crux of what I want to share in this one.

The second point which I want to emphasize for this post is what I heard Dr. Hayes said about our work in the helping profession that uses talking (or language) as a primary medium of change. At the time I heard it, I couldn’t understand what he meant when he said that in our field of work, experience predicts confidence not competence. I even took the time to post my difficulty understanding Dr. Hayes’ words in one of the social media groups I have belonged to since attending some workshops in the past. I didn’t really find any of the comments to my posted question to hit the nail on the head. Finally and luckily, I came across a podcast where Dr. Hayes himself explained what he meant.

It’s pretty much like learning how to shoot the ball in the game of basketball. Looking at how your shot went gives you the feedback you need to see how you can improve your shooting skills, or which shooting form works. Yes, feedback! Now can you imagine if you were shooting with a blindfold all along!

In my first nine years of practice, I had followed what was mostly being taught in mainstream psychology here in the Philippines. Of course, my clients eventually get better! But better at what? Well, mainly they had become better at reducing some of that anxiety, depression, etc. The rule of thumb can be summed up this way, you are here for counseling because you need help in removing some of that difficult feeling inside in order for you to do whatever it is you want moving forward.

At times then I was wondering, do my clients really get better because of my work, or are they just recovering on their own over time? The other side of it is, why are my clients coming back for sessions every time there is a new challenge in front of them? Furthermore, with the approaches I had tried, I had to read up on so many books and enroll in so many training modules in order to address the myriad of cases presented to me! I thought this feels quite like an impossible task! Is there anyone who can master all of these protocols for every mental health concern? Is that even human?

And of course I was getting good feedback, because clients do learn that these difficult emotions do have a shelf life! And I had become their shoulder to cry on when things get rough once again! So who’s the expert here?

Even while I was in business, I was always looking for better stuff. I remember in my 40s, I found myself hitting a ceiling with finding answers through my spiritual journey. And as I pursued further studies in counseling, I hit another ceiling! It felt like whatever I was doing, I could not attest to myself that these same methods I use with my clients do lead me to get past my own limitations!

Now I am not saying here that I have reached some kind of perfection in terms of the way I deal with my personal struggles. In fact, I am still learning up until this writing. But in Contextual Behavioral Science (in general and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in particular), I think I have found a place where there is a way past that final ceiling. And guess what? If there was something available out there that proves to me that I can find a science that can even be better than what is available in contextual behavioral science, I will take it! Because what matters to me in my work is what actually works! That is why I am now an ACT therapist and a functional contextualist! I think it is by far the most scientifically sound approach and the one that will gradually take me through that hardest of all ceilings! This is the fire that burns in me and the reason why I am passionate about sharing this with you!

Listen to this blog post on Spotify! Click here!

After Infidelity

by Nathan Chua

What now? Couples who have experienced a betrayal are often at a loss about what to do with the current state of affairs. Yes, there will be the initial shock and anger and bickering. At times, there might even be physical altercations. No doubt a betrayal is the most common reason for couples to come to therapy and is also one of the most difficult problems to come out of.

Many have been surprised to find out that the effects of infidelity can linger on for many years in spite of signs that the betrayed partner has already moved on. In some cases, it can also happen that the betrayed partner is unable to acknowledge the painful memories that still cast a shadow on the relationship. This may be for fear of revisiting old wounds and being labeled as unforgiving or being stuck in the past by the offending partner. There are multiple aspects that need to be addressed in the aftermath of an affair. I hope you find some hope in the tips I offer here on your road to recovery.

For the offended party:

Tip 1: You will very likely have flashbacks. Flashbacks are different from memories as they signal to the person that the abuse is still occurring in the present. Suspicions show up regularly. On the other hand, a memory is simply a recollection of events from the past which does not necessarily have to be acted on or suppressed. Betrayed partners, if the flashbacks last long enough, will begin to wonder if there is something wrong with them for being unable to move on from the hurt. In fact, there are quite a number who have actually seen a doctor to get medication for their symptoms. The drawback here is that even as these flashbacks are to be expected, many end up only getting temporary relief from the medication. They now not only have to worry about the flashbacks, they also get concerned about the fact that they are still having them in spite of the medication. Frequent fights that seem to come out of nowhere can result from the self-stigma that happens due to frequent failed attempts at suppressing painful memories.

Tip 2: Your partner, if they are sincere, will feel guilty about the transgression. The more you attack them the more they would want to withdraw from the conversation. Unfortunately, the more the offending party withdraws, the more the betrayed partner feels insecure and suspicious of the silence or the dismissive remarks. This is the loop that couples end up experiencing because of their inability to cope in more effective ways.

Tip 3: Get in touch with your softer emotions that are normally hidden underneath all that anger and hatred. Think about what you want to stand for at this moment. Ask yourself, “What would you like your kids to see in how you confront difficult situations such as these? If you were being the person you want to be in these challenging times, what would you say to your spouse?”

For the Offending Party:

Tip 1: Realize that your partner has gone through a form of trauma as some experts would say. Your partner is not doing this on purpose. It is impossible to predict how long the effects will last on your partner. Your partner will never be able to forget what happened but you can both start building new memories of warmth and compassion. Your withdrawal will reflect coldness and a lack of sensitivity to someone that has been hurt very deeply.

Tip 2: Validate your partner’s feelings and avoid dismissive comments. Validation does not mean you agree with what your partner is saying. It is just a means to let your partner know that you understand what they are going through and will be there in times when the emotions become overwhelming for them.

Tip 3: The best way to react to such an unfortunate turn in your relationship is to be validating and reassuring. Many offending partners have problems tolerating the mood shifts that come with a betrayal. However the more impatient you get, the more your partner will suspect that you have yet to come clean.

Is it time to leave?

My training in couples therapy has taught me that there needs to be certain conditions for a couple to remain together. Of course, the default is always toward saving the relationship. Infidelity is solely the responsibility of the offending partner but the relationship itself is the responsibility of both. The betrayed partner is never to be blamed. At this point, the only recourse available is to find ways to recover in more effective ways.

Many couples experience a regeneration in their relationship after a betrayal. For one, with some help, couples can learn to treasure their relationship even more and not take things for granted. Secondly, couples can also learn how to get out of their respective comfort zones in order to speak more openly with each other. The things that they can learn in therapy can also serve them in the process of creating what some experts would refer to as marriage (or relationship) number two.

In my years of working with couples who have suffered from the effects of an affair, I have learned that recovery can be summed up in an old prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which I will paraphrase here: When suffering and working through infidelity, it is important that we understand what is meant by having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; having the courage to change the things we can change; and finally having the wisdom to know the difference.

Listen to the podcast version of this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

When we grieve…

by Nathan Chua

Nothing can be more heartrending than to see someone in my office having to deal with the loss of a dear one. Not only is there pain in seeing the empty spaces at home, but also the empty hours that go by without a familiar companion. Some even have to deal with the images of seeing the loved one’s struggle for that one last breath.

How does one cope with such a cruel reality that life introduces us to, the moment we lose that childhood innocence? What does grieving involve? How do we move on when all we have are memories of something that will never happen again? Why is it so hard to find relief?

Some of the unnecessary suffering we experience in the course of grieving involves our own struggle against the feelings that come with a loss. When we suppress our feelings that come with such an evocative event, we end up with an unwinnable struggle. A common misconception is that grief is a feeling that we should try to get over with. We feel especially unfit when we are not able to do so just at the time when others around us have. Attached to this idea is the effort to appear unperturbed by the pain we carry. Grief is not a feeling but a process that involves different feelings. There will be guilt, hurt, sadness, anger, and many more that come along with the process.

A common experience is the advice that we get from well-meaning people around us who try hard to cheer us up. Our minds will quickly relate this to some kind of internal defect having been left behind by the group that has moved on with their feelings. We reject parts of us that tell us that we have lost someone we cared for. You and I are not robots or computers that can be programmed to shut down certain thoughts and feelings with the flick of a switch. This is what I often end up observing in my clients. It is quite understandable since there is so much pressure to conform with the expectations; especially of those they hold in high regard.

If we run away from our difficult feelings then we don’t really learn much about who we are or what we hold to be important in our relationships. Grieving now turns into a struggle with our own thoughts, feelings, and memories. We overlook the reason behind our pain. That reason is important because we cared enough to hurt over what we have lost. Dr. Steven Hayes had this to say, “The things that bring us pain, also enrich our lives. When we cry at the loss of a friend, we’re enriching our lives, we’re not diminishing our lives.”

One of the processes that can help us get through with more resilience, purpose, and meaning in the midst of such a crushing event is to remember why this person meant so much to us. Maybe they were kind and loving. Maybe they never had a bad thing to say about others. Maybe they were thoughtful and caring, gentle and soft-spoken. Whatever it is that they left in your memory only tells you one thing. That those same qualities of being they lived, are pretty much the same in you. Live it! Bring their lives into yours and experience for yourself what some experts call a place in time, “where the magic happens.”

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Living with Purpose and Intent

by Nathan Chua

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever,”

Mahatma Gandhi

Have you come to a point in your life when you feel like as it says in the Bible, chasing after the wind? Have you ever felt like every day has become a pointless pursuit of comfort and tranquility? Has your life turned into an endless problem to solve? You go from fixing one problem after another. When’s the next challenge going to come? Will I be able to surmount the bigger ones down the line?

If you have, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I came from the same quagmire. Early in my career, I started believing that life was about fulfilling a role of being around to be the problem solver. Furthermore, I had learned from my history that the secret to the good life is the comfortable life. One in which I can be the great problem solver, conquering one obstacle at a time until there remain only the easier ones. I dreamt of eventually coasting along as I moved into old age.

I lived that way for the first 20 years of my working life. People around me would notice how I looked then. I often carried a tired and angry expression on my face; always on alert for the next challenge that comes my way. I was the hero who was always ready to come to the rescue.

To borrow a metaphor I saw in a YouTube video, you can view a rabbit running across from a window, but you wouldn’t know if that rabbit was going for a carrot or running away from a predator. I was like that rabbit that people saw from a window. One couldn’t tell if I was in business because I simply enjoyed doing it or if I was doing it to avoid the shame that comes if I had failed in business. For those who are new here, I spent the first 20 years of my career as a businessman. A failure in business meant I had failed my family.

You would probably understand why I often looked tired and angry. Tired because life has become a struggle and angry because I didn’t see any end in sight. Life was sending me challenge after challenge to surmount. Like the rabbit running away from a predator that eventually tires out, I was exhausted escaping from the jaws of my shaming, “Whatever happens, don’t be a failure,” thoughts.

One day I woke up and started noticing the hamster wheel I was on. It was as if I was living backwards. Like some of what I learned in psychodynamic therapy, I lived hoping to come back to the safety of my mother’s womb, wishing to get back to that fetal position of a tranquil life.

That tranquil life turns out to be a mirage. No matter how much we try to avoid it, life has its challenges and running away from the feelings and thoughts that these challenges come with, is like becoming a rabbit that spends most of its time fleeing a predator, although in my case the predator is my own worst fears.

You and I can pivot towards a life in pursuit of what truly matters to us. Rabbits run away from life-threatening circumstances. We humans though can run away from our thoughts and not just actual threats to our safety. It only takes the rabbit to notice when the noise behind the bushes was just a gust of wind to make it go and pursue food or a mate. Although it is difficult, we can start to make changes in our life directions by noticing if we are spending much of our energies running away from our unpleasant internal experiences, or if we are pursuing the qualities of being and living that matter to us.

The happy rabbit is the one that pursues nourishment and the possibility of a mate. Take it from there, are you willing to start pursuing the rich and meaningful life, even if it means that your fearful inner experiences will become more evident as you go. Maybe that’s what Gandhi meant in his words. His life was mostly about pursuing something that was good and noble, rather than about running away from the dangers his mind reminded him of. He pursued the irrational move to expose himself to the dangers of a life spent for the welfare of others, and paid the ultimate price. Nonetheless, he lived, not the tranquil life, but the meaningful one. He is the quintessential rabbit moving in the direction of what he wanted to do with his time…every single minute.

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