Psychologist – One Life Only Counseling Services

Knowing Your Potential Mate

by Nathan Chua

I am writing this not to advocate for any external form of ritual bonding for couples. I have lately ended up telling my clients that neither am I a priest nor a pastor. I am not here to judge what their lives are and what they’re supposed to do or not. I am duty bound to respect anyone who comes to see me for their important questions about their lives. So it doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous or polyamorous, straight or non-straight, what ends up mattering in our work is if you are living your life according to your best hopes for your short existence.

Now let’s get on with the topic at hand. How many times have you ended up being in a long(er) term relationship with someone who turns out to be totally different from your own images of what a pair bond is supposed to be? Have you ever heard of people who have jumped from one abusive relationship to another? Here are some tips about knowing if you have someone worth considering in front of you:

Be Mindful, Not Blind:

It is understandable that you may have a shortlist of what you want to look for in a partner. This certainly provides greater probability of success than just random choice. Unfortunately, predicting how you and another human being will do in a close relationship is something that the shortlist will never be able to guarantee. What I am saying here is that people are unique and can hardly be summarized in a short checklist. No matter how long this list will be, not one person can match everything that you want.

Getting to know someone is pretty much like learning how to ride a bike, swim, or even walk! There is no instruction manual good enough or long enough to tell you how to do these activities. And so it is with relationships! You won’t really get to know a person thoroughly by just comparing them to a checklist of qualities. Why? Because all behavior happens in context. It’s easy to think about a person’s behavioral choices in a vacuum. We usually do not appreciate the contexts in which these behaviors happen and blindly follow rules that end up with well, blind choices. Your potential mate may be nice in a date, but what are they like in traffic or stressful situations?

There are certainly good reasons why we should trust our minds when it comes to fending off a virus or an infection. But trusting our logical minds to fend off the difficult feelings, thoughts, and memories that we experience in relationships, is a route towards possibly worse outcomes. I often use an example of how our problem-solving minds are an absolute gift. Mosquitoes are some of the worst threats to our health. Without our problem-solving minds, we would not learn to slap them dead on our arms or invent a lotion to repel them. We are quick to apply the same kind of problem-solving skill to our feelings and thoughts. The bad news is there is no slap strong enough to keep your feelings away, nor is there an off lotion version that works to remove our unpleasant internal experiences. If there was, please tell me. Unless it’s some sort of drug or substance that sedates you, then feel free to reach me so I can take these substances myself. I don’t think living a life numbed out or sedated is what I bargained for.

Why is this worth mentioning? Well, in a relationship your logical, sensical mind will tell you that your partner should never arouse any difficult feelings. So, good luck with that if you aren’t mindful enough to notice the rule inside your head. Relationships come with feelings. In fact, you wouldn’t be in a relationship if it meant you were just going to be half awake all the time. You’re there to feel something moving and purposeful. You’re not there for a stale lifeless existence! So be mindful of what you see in your partner in different situations. See if you share the same hopes and cherished values.

Keep in Touch with your Feelings:

As you spend time with a person, you would probably get a sense of what it feels like to be in their company. Do you feel a sense of loneliness? Maybe you are with someone who is preoccupied with themselves; they hardly hear what you have to contribute. Do you feel incensed or angered that this person can’t make a commitment to arrive on time or do as they promise to do? Maybe this person is lacking in empathy and consideration.

If you are one of those who jump from one abusive relationship to another, then maybe it’s time for you to step back and listen to your feelings. Maybe you are so tunnel-visioned into thinking what story your mind is creating about your long term relationship. Maybe it’s time to wake up and check your feelings when you are with this person.

I remember a story of the character of Lt. Dan in the movie Forrest Gump. He, like all of us, created a story of his fate after the Vietnam war. He wanted to die in war just like his war hero ancestors. Just as you and I know, sometimes life happens however. In his case, Gump happened…to save him from his inevitable passing as a war hero. Unable to reconcile his experience with the story his mind wanted to create, he lived his life purposefully wasting his time fighting the memory or thoughts of an opportunity lost with the amputated legs serving as a constant reminder of a missed opportunity to fulfill his mind’s vision of a destiny. In the end, he realized that he can still be the hero unto himself; the one who harbored a hope of living his life without his amputated legs but with much purpose as just Dan, the man, who may not be the war hero he dreamt of becoming, but a person of worth nonetheless.

Just as Lt. Dan started to let go of his grand story of what he wants about his life, maybe you also can hold these love stories lightly, and see if this person is worth your time and love.

Pain vs. Suffering Video!

Pain vs. Suffering

by Nathan Chua

There’s an old aphorism that goes, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional,” credited to Japanese writer, Haruki Murakami.* Have you seen a kid who was disappointed by a parent or primary caretaker who wasn’t as appreciative of a pyramid of blocks it created, and then proceeds to wipe out the masterpiece with one quick stroke of an arm? I do remember myself doing so but can’t remember what my creation was. If we look closely, we as adults sometimes revert to this way of coping with the inevitable hard feelings or the pain we get in situations at home, at work, and at random moments in our days.

I am here borrowing a series of questions you might ask yourself when faced with a challenging moment in these situations. This can help you see if you may be causing more pain on top of what is already an emotionally difficult moment. I borrowed this from a book written by experts in functional analytic psychotherapy.**

In that situation, can you notice what it is that you do in reaction to it?
If another person is involved, what do they do in response to your reaction?
What do you think it is that you do that aggravates or contributes to the problem?
Did the way you reacted show up in other places or with other people?
What is immediately rewarding about what you do?
What is it costing you in the short term?
What do you foresee will happen if you continue doing what you’re doing in the long run?
What would happen if you stopped doing what you’re doing now? What would you have to be willing to accept?
Is there a purpose important enough for you to accept or face that?

In your relationships with your partner or your family:

When people in close relationships fight, there’s usually a reason for such behaviors. Very often life’s stressors provide enough of a catalyst for differences and emotional sensitivities to be highlighted. Couples and parents often believe that their partners or children need to be exactly just like them. There is a tendency to believe that what is evident to one should be evident to the other. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts for that is a typical function of our minds. We compare and find out what should or should not be the same. However, in your attempts to change the other, what results do you notice you get? And if you didn’t do this, maybe you would have to accept that you and your kid or your spouse are different from you. Now is there a purpose here for which you would be willing to accept that?

In your relationships at work

Just like in other areas in your life, change happens at work. Let’s take for example your boss. We all hope that we have only one boss who happens to like us and the way we work, usually for life! Unfortunately, that is not, most of the time, under our control. Many decisions from within the hierarchical structure are handed down from above. So ask yourself the questions posed above. Let’s say you end up consuming hours contemplating how bad things have been since your company had a change of management. You may notice that there are short term costs involved in this behavior, like procrastinating on your work tasks. In the long term, such a habit can only lead up to you losing your job or getting bad marks on your performance. Would you be willing to accept the fact that companies change and at times your boss will frustrate or be different from you? What would be reason enough for you to accept this reality? Is it the family that you love and care about who depend on your job to sustain their needs or even lifestyles? Is it that long wished for vacation that you planned to spend with loved ones?

At random moments

You and I know that driving in a megapolis like Metro Manila can be rather challenging. Anger and frustration are easy to come by when you have to contend with multiple threats to your peaceful drive home. When you yell and scream inside your vehicle while your kids and partner are with you, what do you notice are the payoffs and both short and long term negative consequences? Has it gotten in the way of an otherwise happy ride home? Would you have to accept that at times driving in an overcrowded city can be challenging? Is your drive home important enough of a reason for you to hold your peace?

There you go my friends. Hope these examples will give you a snippet of what you can learn from what the experts have painstakingly worked to provide us with, which is the knowledge that we are not free from life’s pains, but we are free to choose how we respond to them. Will we follow old rules of thumb that have both long and short term costs to what otherwise are things we most cherish about our jobs and relationships? Or will we stop and take a step back and see from a distance what we can do differently to avert the costs and live well in the moment?

*https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/613585-pain-is-inevitable-suffering-is-optional-say-you-re-running-and

**FAP Made Simple by Holman, Kanter, Tsai, Kohlenberg

Common Sense and Psychological Sense

by Nathan Chua

As I learn more in the field, I can understand why some people might have a negative view of psychology. Besides the stigma, there is plenty of material out there that can make any person think, “Do you really need a PhD to know that?” In this article, I’d like to talk about some examples of how this happens and why much of the common sense advice we hear online can at best, be heard but reflected on before implementing.

Here are some examples of very common common sense advice we all may have heard about at some point:

A common sense or logical approach to sadness or depression:

Eliminate negative thoughts! Think positive! This will work only if we eliminate a function of our thinking, which is thinking of the opposite!

You and I can test this for ourselves. Living in a tropical country like the Philippines, note what thoughts come to you when the heat and humidity become unbearable. Your mind will probably remind you of how much more pleasant the weather is in the cooler months of the year. During the cooler months, you would probably remember the impending summer months and how short-lived these more pleasant temperatures are. This is our minds’ propensity to think of opposites. For our minds to not be able to do this, we would have to damage it in some ways. Thinking positive will only remind us of the negative thinking that we were trying to avoid in the first place.

Here’s another reason why it becomes difficult for you and I to simply think positive. In fact, it can even be counterproductive. The command here is, “It is important for you to not think that negative thought.” The paradox of this command is that it makes you monitor your thoughts, specifically, your negative thoughts. So how do you know you’re successful? You’re not thinking of the…oops! In other words, simply using common sense to not think about a negative thought, already reminds you of what you are avoiding in the first place and it has taken such an important place in your mind.

This war between positive and negative thoughts is unending. One thing for certain is life will provide us with challenges, which inevitably produce negative thoughts. This is part of what we mean when we say that depression is not really due to sadness, but it is mostly about the struggle with sadness. Thinking only positive thoughts may sound logical by the process of elimination, but it leaves us in a losing war with our feelings which will only disappear if we are in a state of numbness from medication, or if we were dead..

Common sense advice on sleeping problems:

Be prepared to go to sleep! Keep it as dark as possible, with just the right temperature, and dead silence. What’s more, follow a routine of taking a warm shower or a hot bath and make sure you have comfortable clothes. The fact that you are prepared to go to sleep means you are primed and anxious for a battle with your insomnia. If you are prepared for a battle, it goes without saying that you will be awake!

I remember in the early days of my work as a therapist, I used to give one piece of advice to conquer insomnia, try not to sleep! In other words, come to an acceptance with your insomnia and you will probably be more able to sleep. So common sense advice as mentioned above may only serve more to keep you awake than it is to help you get the rest you want.

Couple advice on apologies or using formulaic sentences:

Be quicker to forgive or apologize to your partner or spouse. That’s a common statement we hear from different experts in the field. When taken as a rule for its own sake, it forgets about the different contexts that couples have. As I have mentioned before in a previous article, context does not just refer to a physical location but also people and our very own thoughts and memories. If applied without sensitivity to context, this can lead to misinterpretations and even more loops in a couple’s arguments. A quick apology can be interpreted as insincere just as a quick word of forgiveness. It’s easy to say words we don’t mean but body language is harder to disguise. This can lead to more vigilance from one of the partners and more frustration on the other. One is seen to be insincere while the other is perceived to be unappreciative, which leads to the point of them giving up on each other.

The kind of psychology I espouse is not difficult because it takes a lot of effort, it is difficult because it is tricky. As you might have experienced yourself, common sense advice can be effortful and offer more opportunities for discouragement and escalation to even bigger problems. To paraphrase a famous psychologist, we are not in therapy to do the logical thing, but the psychological thing. So next time you hear someone give common sense advice, please either think critically or try not to generalize. You may even give it a try if you wish, but also be more noticing of the results. What makes psychological sense may not be what common sense dictates, and that’s the whole point of this blog post.

Finding Your Purpose: A Behavioral Perspective, Video!

Finding Your Purpose: A Behavioral Perspective

by Nathan Chua

In a recent article about Tim Cook, the current CEO of Apple computers, he had this to say about an old saying:

“There is a saying that if you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life,” Cook said during the speech at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans.

“At Apple, I learned that is a total crock,” Cook said to a laugh from the crowd.*

How many times have many of us stared at the horizon to ask ourselves what our existence is for? There have been many cases in the counseling room wherein people ask me why they have these feelings of emptiness, a lack of purpose or direction in their lives. Believe me, I still ask myself the same questions. I am not exempt from life’s difficult puzzles.

I am quite sure that most of you reading or listening or watching this have browsed through countless articles that try to answer this question of finding purpose. In this space, I would like to share my take on how this might look like, from a behavioral perspective.

Here’s my understanding of the subject at this point in my journey inside the world of contextual behavioral science. We all do things for a reason. When you pick up your toothbrush in the morning, that has a purpose. Deciding to use your time to go to the grocery store whether by foot or by the use of a vehicle is also based on reasons. There are three ways of explaining why we do what we do. We either think of them as activities that we should, must, or can’t do, that we have to do, and that we want to do. Now, let’s break each one of them down.

Musts, Shoulds, Can’ts:

As humans who enjoy being at the top of the food chain, we occupy this spot in part because of our capacity to follow rules without having to experience something first hand. We can just be told about a rule and not have to test it. You can imagine how helpful this ability can be if we go back to ancient times when a rule to follow might be, “Don’t go near a lion because it can be dangerous.” Rules like washing our hands before we eat or avoiding certain places that can pose a danger to our safety are helpful in keeping us safe and alive.

However, this rule following capacity can otherwise be detrimental when applied to threats we sense from the inside. If we yell and scream at our child or partner, sometimes following that rule can work.

We get what we want, like a period of less frustration from someone we live with. The rule here is I shouldn’t be getting to this level of frustration with my child or partner. Or, I can’t stand this feeling any longer, I must do something to stop it. Unfortunately, this can have detrimental long term effects on your relationship with the very people that mean most to you especially when done in a harsh manner.

This can also translate into other consequential decisions in life. Shoulds like you should be pursuing a career in a field only because it is what others say you should do.

A good example of this is, “I must be a doctor because that is what my family wants for me,” which often leads to burnout and poor performance.

The other extreme is to follow a rule that may not be available for us to follow at the moment. An example would be, I must be an artist regardless of the fact that I am currently without any opportunities to be one.

Another form is when we follow rules like I must have a drink when I am stressed; I can’t sleep without a sleeping pill; or I can’t speak before a crowd until I am relaxed.

This type of rule-following can lead to unhelpful and at times unhealthy behaviors where we don’t make advances in what we are capable of achieving within the finite amount of time that we have in our existence.

Have to’s:

These activities fall under what Tim Cook was probably referring to. Although we would like an ideal of working in jobs that give us the most fulfillment, we nonetheless would likely end up with aspects of the work that we don’t necessarily enjoy. This is where some of that idealism has to wear off.

If you are one who insists on being in that dream job, but can’t find any opportunities to land one, maybe it is time to think about the have to’s. In the meantime, and we don’t know how long that meantime will be, you might have to work other jobs and pursue your passions through other avenues. There are people who end up doing what they love on the weekends in a different setting. Anyway what we love to do we can do even without compensation. You’ll never know, you might even find it in whatever current job you have that puts food on the table. In other words, there can be parts of your job that allow you to do what you love to do even if it’s less than your ideal.

Want to’s:

Here is where most of us would like to be. Unfortunately, not even the jobs that fit our passions are purely fun. If you wanted to play a sport for a living, there’s also the hard part of long hours of practice in a very lonely gym. So congratulate yourself if you are able to land a job wherein you are fulfilling your want to’s.

Want to’s can also involve what we do for rest and relaxation. To go back to an earlier example, your musts, like I must drink to remove my stress, can be changed to, I drink when I choose to remove my stress. This is where we see the same form of behavior functioning differently in different contexts.

Here’s a quote from Ray Owen, that I believe is a helpful guide for us to know if ingesting something to relax from heavy stress is helpful or not:

“Remembering, planning, daydreaming, imagining, and so on–matter greatly to me too and I wouldn’t give them up. However, I’d say that they’re good things when they’re chosen,” Ray Owen

You can add having some time off of work or other commitments with a drink or two (or whatever activity it is that you do for recreation) because you choose or want to, and not because you must, is a way to see if you are doing something with your time that is helpful or unhelpful to your sense of purpose. It is probably something that works for you if you choose to do it rather than something you must do in order to achieve something, like relieving stress.

So next time you do something that’s like following a rule, notice the rule first, then notice why you’re doing it and see if it is something you feel like you:

must, should, or can’t do,
or something you have to do,
or something you want to do.

Maybe you will find your place in the sun or what we most of the time call, your purpose for living. Nice rule of thumb, isn’t it?

*Source: IFL Science

ACT Matrix for Anger

“Confidence” in a Time of Crisis!

Living with Purpose and Intent

by Nathan Chua

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever,”

Mahatma Gandhi

Have you come to a point in your life when you feel like as it says in the Bible, chasing after the wind? Have you ever felt like every day has become a pointless pursuit of comfort and tranquility? Has your life turned into an endless problem to solve? You go from fixing one problem after another. When’s the next challenge going to come? Will I be able to surmount the bigger ones down the line?

If you have, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I came from the same quagmire. Early in my career, I started believing that life was about fulfilling a role of being around to be the problem solver. Furthermore, I had learned from my history that the secret to the good life is the comfortable life. One in which I can be the great problem solver, conquering one obstacle at a time until there remain only the easier ones. I dreamt of eventually coasting along as I moved into old age.

I lived that way for the first 20 years of my working life. People around me would notice how I looked then. I often carried a tired and angry expression on my face; always on alert for the next challenge that comes my way. I was the hero who was always ready to come to the rescue.

To borrow a metaphor I saw in a YouTube video, you can view a rabbit running across from a window, but you wouldn’t know if that rabbit was going for a carrot or running away from a predator. I was like that rabbit that people saw from a window. One couldn’t tell if I was in business because I simply enjoyed doing it or if I was doing it to avoid the shame that comes if I had failed in business. For those who are new here, I spent the first 20 years of my career as a businessman. A failure in business meant I had failed my family.

You would probably understand why I often looked tired and angry. Tired because life has become a struggle and angry because I didn’t see any end in sight. Life was sending me challenge after challenge to surmount. Like the rabbit running away from a predator that eventually tires out, I was exhausted escaping from the jaws of my shaming, “Whatever happens, don’t be a failure,” thoughts.

One day I woke up and started noticing the hamster wheel I was on. It was as if I was living backwards. Like some of what I learned in psychodynamic therapy, I lived hoping to come back to the safety of my mother’s womb, wishing to get back to that fetal position of a tranquil life.

That tranquil life turns out to be a mirage. No matter how much we try to avoid it, life has its challenges and running away from the feelings and thoughts that these challenges come with, is like becoming a rabbit that spends most of its time fleeing a predator, although in my case the predator is my own worst fears.

You and I can pivot towards a life in pursuit of what truly matters to us. Rabbits run away from life-threatening circumstances. We humans though can run away from our thoughts and not just actual threats to our safety. It only takes the rabbit to notice when the noise behind the bushes was just a gust of wind to make it go and pursue food or a mate. Although it is difficult, we can start to make changes in our life directions by noticing if we are spending much of our energies running away from our unpleasant internal experiences, or if we are pursuing the qualities of being and living that matter to us.

The happy rabbit is the one that pursues nourishment and the possibility of a mate. Take it from there, are you willing to start pursuing the rich and meaningful life, even if it means that your fearful inner experiences will become more evident as you go. Maybe that’s what Gandhi meant in his words. His life was mostly about pursuing something that was good and noble, rather than about running away from the dangers his mind reminded him of. He pursued the irrational move to expose himself to the dangers of a life spent for the welfare of others, and paid the ultimate price. Nonetheless, he lived, not the tranquil life, but the meaningful one. He is the quintessential rabbit moving in the direction of what he wanted to do with his time…every single minute.

Listen to this blogpost on Spotify! Click here!

Do you need counseling?

Do you need counseling for depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship (marriage, family) problems, insomnia, anger management problems, infidelity, teen parenting issues, grief processing, addiction, procrastination, work performance, and even weight issues?

We are here to provide you with evidence-based approaches that are backed by reliable and valid scientific research!

We provide both in person and online video counseling for your convenience.

Please text (preferred) or call:

Mobile Number: +63 917 886 5433 (LIFE)

Available also on Viber and WhatsApp!

(The best option is to message this number through Viber or WhatsApp and we will gladly call you back or reply!)

Mobile Landline Number: +632 7503 1343

Email:

info@onelifeonly.net

Connect with us through Facebook, follow us through Spotify and YouTube.

Our offices are located in Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines.

CMS Clinic

2nd Floor Back to the Bible Building

135 West Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines

and

M Place South Triangle

8004 Mother Ignacia Avenue, Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines

Interview with Chinkee Tan and Christine Bersola-Babao on MagBadyet Tayo about financial conflicts in relationships, October 23, 2023

Nathaniel Chua is a member of an international organization called the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS). He became chair of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Special Interest Group (DEI-SIG) of ACBS; the first Non-North American to do so.

Nathaniel Chua has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and continues to learn more of the most cutting-edge approaches to working with the human condition.

Below is Nathaniel Chua’s first virtual talk held on November 17, 2023 in front of an international group of therapists from Low or Middle Income Countries (LMIC). He is the first from the Philippines to do this:

What is One Life Only Counseling about?

You can be assured that your information with be kept completely confidential.

You will be respected regardless of your religion, gender preference, ethnicity, economic status, and even your personal lifestyle and values. We are LGBTQIA+ friendly!

Your counselor will not impose their values and beliefs on you.

We use a scientific model of counseling that has precision, depth, and scope. Below are bullet points to let you understand better what we mean by this:

By precision we mean that our approach to counseling tells you how these mechanisms of change work. It is not enough to say that a sense of self-awareness is what creates changes in people’s behavior. Our approach tells us how self-awareness works as one step within a set of processes that can lead to lasting change.
Depth means the approach we use does not conflict with other theories and models of therapy. In fact, many other approaches can be used as forms of treatment towards greater psychological flexibility. Our approach for instance does not conflict with findings in the area of attachment theory, gestalt therapy, psychodynamic therapy to just raise a few examples. It cuts across other levels of analyses.
Finally, by scope we mean that our approach comes from the discovery of the smallest set of processes that cuts across multiple mental health concerns from anxiety and depression to personality disorders to psychosis, etc. It is a transdiagnostic approach that seeks to understand what many of the symptoms or syndromes come down to, so these processes can be targeted to address many, if not all of the disorders listed in different diagnostic systems.

We are also probably the only counseling service in the Philippines that follows a certain philosophy of science with certain a priori assumptions about human nature. With this in mind, we offer a holistic consistent approach to life’s challenges that is a-ontological, monistic, and pragmatic.
Furthermore, ineffective behaviors are addressed by their classes and functions, therefore making our model of therapy parsimonious and much easier to apply to daily living. Most of our clients are empowered to use the skills they learn in therapy to apply to a multitude of challenging situations without having to rush to a therapist to address specific concerns. If you remember Einstein, everything can be explained by one simple equation, E = mc squared! In other words, we do our best to be ACT-Consistent or as some other experts would call it, we practice, ACT Fidelity!

The approach we use is also one that is endorsed by the World Health Organization as an effective psychological tool for coping with any kind of life crises! It can be described as a kind of psychological vaccine that has been found to be effective in improving and promoting mental resilience in the face of many, if not all kinds of life challenges.

Here’s a paraphrase from Dr. Steven C. Hayes in my interview with him on April 5th, 2022:

“Here’s what the World Health Organization, the best public health and scientific group in the world says about this protocol, this extensively tested protocol is helpful for anyone who is stressed, for any reason, in any circumstance.”

Since 2019, we have been very excited to offer this type of a radically different approach to therapy that is not just about relieving symptoms, but also about helping people towards creating lives imbued with meaning and purpose.

Here’s a video about what makes One Life Only Counseling Services different: