Tag: Couples Counseling

Fourteen Years of:  “Just Call Me Nathan.”

by Nathan Chua

One thing I dislike is titles.  I have always been uneasy with titles unless they were used in settings where it is necessary to set limits, respectful, honorific or makes it easier to identify the people being referred to.  The counseling room has never been a place where I thought titles were necessary.  One thing that I don’t want to impart to any of the people I see. is for them to view me as someone who’s got it all together somehow.  I don’t want them to think that I have some kind of panacea that will answer all of life’s problems.  I love the way one ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) expert put it, and I will paraphrase it here.  I often use this metaphor to describe the kind of relationship I will have with my clients.  I am not ahead of them nor am I on top of them looking down.  We are just two people climbing up our own mountains that are facing each other.  My job is to see what’s ahead of you as you climb yours and give you signals when I see what’s coming your way.  

Which brings me to the point that I want to make in this article.  What on earth are we doing counseling for?  If you have had this question come across your mind before, don’t be alarmed.  I have asked myself the same question many times before.  Through more than a decade’s work, I have hypothesized about this.  As a healer, I thought that my job was to relieve symptoms.  As a humanist, I thought that it was to find acceptance and purpose.  As a psychodynamic counselor, I thought my job was to come to terms with the past.  Today however, as a behaviorist, I have come to see that counseling is about being able to handle our difficult thoughts and feelings in a more effective way.

To date, I still find behaviorism to hold the most promise in helping alleviate human suffering and promoting successful living.  Please remember that successful living in this context is not about having the most financial success or the happiest existence.  Successful living is about helping people live up to their greatest potential.  This is not in the service of any temporary exuberant feelings nor is it about having great wealth, but about having a life that’s meaningful to the unique aspirations of every individual.  

What I find hopeful in behaviorism is the goals that it establishes that are based on scientific evidence.  A metaphor that ACT therapists use to describe the process is like learning to speak a new language.  If we spend a long enough time using a new language, we will start to get used to it and eventually not go back to using our old language.  Nonetheless, learning that new language does not mean that we completely forget the old one.  

In less metaphorical language, it simply means trying out new or different ways of behaving in the face of life’s problems.  There is an old ACT saying among therapists which goes like, I don’t have tricks to change how a client feels, but I have tricks to help a client live the life they want even with those difficult thoughts and feelings.  Here are some examples of how this can be manifest in a life:  

  • If you react to painful experiences by griping and ranting, then maybe try sitting with the pain with compassion and find out why it pains you.  Maybe it tells you that you care about something that is life-giving and loving.
  • If you react to painful experiences in relationships by running away, then maybe try to learn new ways of staying put and communicating more effectively to let the other person know how important they are to you.
  • If you react to painful experiences by distractions like drugs, alcohol, binge watching, or even working, then maybe try to see if you’re missing out on the more important goals or relationships you had in mind before the challenges came.  

I don’t know if there’s better science out there.  I would like to find out.  For now, it’s been quite the adventure of a search for what best serves the lives of those I see.   If there is one thing that I am slowly losing while learning ACT, it’s my ego.  Good riddance!  I am just your fellow sojourner my friends, and that’s why I’d appreciate it if you’d just call me, Nathan.   

Thank you for fourteen years. Your shared lives have made mine sweeter and more worthwhile.  

Pain vs. Suffering Video!

How to be successful in conflict, Video!

How to be successful in conflict

by Nathan Chua

I have heard it said before that couples who don’t fight, don’t talk either.  The same thing can be said about families and friends.  We can be so averse to conflict that we often opt out of talking about them.  I often hear couples demand that their partners should have as similar wants as they do.  My partner should already know what I want and asking for it will make me look pathetic.  In our culture, it is quite common to see couples come to seek therapy due to the long periods where there have been so many bottled up emotions.  In this article, I will share with you some things you can try to help you prevent conflicts that can either drive you apart because of a major fight, or make you imperceptibly drift apart.    

Tune in to your feelings 

In contrast to what most of us might believe, conflict can actually be healthy in close relationships.  It’s really how we handle them that can make a difference.  One way to avoid escalating conflicts is for us to tune in to the deeper feelings that are hidden in our efforts to protect ourselves from exposing our vulnerabilities.  In many challenging situations, we are often unaware that we have mixed emotions.  A good example to use is when we lose someone in death.  Most of us believe that the only legitimate emotion that we should feel is sadness.  Yes, that is true.  Sadness would most likely be first on our list.  But some of us end up unable to accept the grieving process believing that we are somehow defective for having other feelings like guilt, anger, or even relief at the idea that the burden of caretaking has been lifted out of us.  

In relationships, it is legitimate to feel anger or irritation with our loved ones. Tuning into ourselves involves discovering the other feelings that we might be missing.  Are there other feelings involved here? 

See for yourself if showing just one side of you to your partners is helping you come to a resolution.  If not, maybe it is time to let your partners see those other sides of you. 

For some, the angry side is what the loved ones want to see.  Maybe our indifferent attitude has made them think that they don’t matter.  At least seeing our anger tells them they matter.     

In case you lose it 

Then there might be times when you just couldn’t help but go back to your old ways of handling the situation.  You very well know that you’ve gone away from what you would like to be in the situation.  Listen to your senses, if it doesn’t feel like you like yourself in those situations, then waste as little time as possible and make amends.  Begin an open and honest conversation about it.  

One thing I help couples to realize in the counseling room is that the work they do does not guarantee that they will never make mistakes.  It is impossible to expect near perfection.  They can accept that these are tendencies that the relationship will probably evoke in each of them when there are major challenges and changes.  Couples and relatives can ask themselves one thing to recover from such ill-fated arguments.  Has anything changed in what they value?  Have their deepest aspirations for themselves in their relationships become different?  Chances are they have not.  Their values remain the same.  

I recall one of Dr. Steven Hayes’ analogy of how we are in times of challenges.  He reminds us of what we were like as toddlers.  Toddlers fall down countless times experiencing, at times, excruciatingly painful wounds just to learn how to walk.  Well, we’ve all been toddlers before.  We can remind ourselves that before we had language, we kept on standing up when we fell.  There were no rules that told us what we can or cannot do.  The only thing we instinctively did was to stand up again and walk toward what matters to us.

Say you’re sorry and do it over again.  We are all a work in progress.  Perfection is not what we were built for.  And that’s why we are all called simply, to be human.

After the Affair: A First Aid Tool Kit for Recovering from Infidelity

Our very first international collaboration!

Jacob Martinez and I, Nathaniel Chua, have just created an online on-demand workshop for people who are recovering from an affair!

We know how difficult it is for any couple to start anew in their relationship after such a devastating revelation.

We also know how hard it is for some of you to take that step to getting couple therapy.

So here’s a resource for you to learn in the privacy of your home!

Here’s an introductory video featuring Jacob Martinez and Nathaniel Chua:

Click the link below to see how you can sign up for it and get access for one full year!

https://aftertheaffair.vhx.tv/?fbclid=IwAR3shgo21i4PMWMBDCq4CfLqk4z7FhxPDI6MdPciUr0rfRL2rWfYufyrz7w

Why Couple or Marriage Counseling? – What couple or marriage counseling can offer that you cannot find in workshops or self-help materials

by Nathan Chua

There have been a number of times that couples have come to me to seek therapy because it is their last option in an otherwise hopeless relationship.  Oftentimes, these couples have tried seeking advice from well-meaning friends and relatives.  They often may have also experienced attending group workshops or retreats.  Unfortunately, at least for those who have come to my office, they do see changes but they have been mostly short-lived.  Don’t get me wrong though, I have no problem having couples go to these events.  They can be of some help and for some, may be the best option.  In fact, I believe in the wisdom of doing one’s own research and work on becoming a better person.  The only thing about these approaches that can sometimes lead to less successful attempts at fixing a relationship, and at times may even cause more harm, is the lack of context.  

A Word About Context

Pardon me if “context” may sound a bit jargony for some.  Put in another way, context simply means applicability of some of the rules that people learn in retreats and self-help materials.  When I say group, I don’t mean group therapy, but those that we often see, where people gather to listen to a speaker and talk about targeted subject matters that come out of the talks.  The application of a rule without sensitivity to context can lead to its misapplication and therefore possibly cause more harm than help.

When I use the word context also, I do not just refer to it as a place, time, or situation that a couple finds themselves in.  A context in any given situation, can include people and internal mental processes.  People as context means your partner or spouse is a context.  I am sure you’ve heard some say that they are different people when they are around their co-workers compared to when they are with their family.  Your spouse is a context.  Internal mental processes are also a context.  Each partner in a relationship has their own histories either within or outside the relationship.  A wife who had been betrayed in a previous relationship before will likely be more vigilant of being betrayed.  If there had been a past betrayal in the current relationship, the betrayed as well as the betraying partner can become sensitive to secretiveness and guilt messages respectively. 

Sure, attending weekend retreats, and reading self-help books and online articles can definitely help, but there is this element of context that you and your partner have to consider.  Books and group facilitators have no and very little knowledge of your context either individually or as a couple.  Here is an example of how a misapplication of learned material can end up not just being of little help, but also cause even worse problems if taken out of context.

Suppose you learn from a weekend couples workshop that couples have to talk about their issues to keep the problems from festering.  Yes, this can certainly help couples who are conflict avoidant.  Let’s say a partner learns to follow a piece of advice culled from a weekend retreat, which is to apologize as soon as possible to their partner.  Devoid of context, this essential rule may feel like sound advice.  However, what if from the apologizing partner’s perspective or context, they never had the habit of apologizing.  The family of origin of the offending partner had learned that just starting up a conversation is enough to serve as an apology.  Given that this rule of immediate apologies is learned by both partners, expectations from the offended partner will naturally rise to a level much higher than before.  Well, they did spend quite a bit of time and resources to attend the retreat!  

Following a rule devoid of context can be damaging.  How?  Let’s suppose the apologizing partner does the immediate apology as advised.  Having been reminded of this, the offended partner will notice this with greater scrutiny as to how the offending partner would make the apology.  Being uncomfortable with the newly prescribed behavior, the apologizing partner on the other hand, tries to make as sincere an apology as possible but falls short of the other partner’s expectations.  The offended partner can have thoughts like, my partner is just doing this because that was what was taught.  It’s insincere and fake and therefore doesn’t deserve attention or appreciation.  The offended partner may then choose to wait a bit longer and see how far this goes before expressing appreciation.  

The apologizing partner may then attempt this several times, which from their perspective requires a herculean effort.  Having not received any form of appreciation sooner, the offending partner can feel that their efforts are not working to make their relationship move back to better times in the past.  They give up on doing it.  The offended partner can then notice the short lived quality of the change and have thoughts about how hopeless their partner is, and that change is not likely to come any time soon or become a lasting sign of better things to come.

So to answer the question in the title of this article, couple counseling is indeed not a joke.  It is hard work and is fraught with fears of having to share very personal matters to a stranger.  But a counselor will have a better grasp of your contexts as a couple and as individuals.  Knowing that context and how these rules can apply or not apply to you is critical to avoiding the pattern of distrust that’s shown above.  Why not give it a shot?

Brief Therapy Packages for 2023!

At One Life Only, we always endeavor to help you find the kind of therapy that will be most helpful to our clients!

We believe that therapy should be brief (as possible) and effective in moving our clients’ lives in the direction that they want.

There are some of you who want to know what sort of packages we recommend for individual, couple, and family therapies!

Well, we are now publishing it here for your guidance in making a decision that can prove life-changing not just for you but even your loved ones!

The packages are now available in our FAQ pages, the general one and the one for personal inquiries.

Here is the update that we just introduced to these pages:

What are your suggested packages for individual, couple, and family therapy?

  • Here are our suggested packages for individual and couple therapy:
    • Individual: Six to Eight Sessions may be done weekly, biweekly, or monthly depending on your needs
    • Couple: Our package for couples therapy consists of four sessions.
      The first and the fourth sessions are conjoint, while the second and third sessions are individual sessions. The total amount of time for the four sessions is 300 minutes or 100 minutes each for the conjoint sessions and 50 minutes each for the individual sessions.
      We generally see significant improvements after four sessions for a majority of our clients.
      The four sessions can be done between one day to as long as your schedule permits.
      Follow up sessions if needed will be mostly conjoint at 75 minutes each.
      You may choose to schedule one session at a time and decide if you wish to continue anytime during your series of sessions.
    • We currently do not have a package for family therapy.

Note: You may still choose to schedule one session at a time and decide if you wish to continue anytime during your series of sessions.

What can help you become the New You in the New Year?

by Nathan Chua

It’s that time of year again when many of us set out to become better people.  We all have this internal yearning to be the best versions of ourselves.  I often use the term our existential angst, a concern that we have not been living up to what we hoped to be.  What do we want to be?  A kinder friend?  A more responsible husband?  A more fun-loving person?  Much of the troubles we feel have much to do with thoughts surrounding the people we strive to be and what our current reality indicates.  

But what if this striving can start instead from a very simple skill that we can learn?  Maybe the question could be phrased as what is it that we could get better at, rather than what we could be.  Nothing is more demoralizing than realizing that even with all the work we try to do in becoming a better person, we fail.  Why is this so?  For one, our minds are very good at naming things we can or can’t do when faced with different circumstances.  It feels like there is an upper limit to what we can or cannot achieve.  It could be someone or something that could potentially stand in the way of such goals that keeps us from doing better.   

Here’s a very simple tip on what to be better at this coming year in order for you to take some steps towards your most coveted aspirations.  It’s so simple you might think it’s silly.  Be better at: noticing.  That’s it!  It’s your first step towards making the change you’ve always seemed unable to reach.  It could be hard at first but you and I can get better at it, if we practice.  

But you might ask, what is there to notice?  What should I notice?  Should I start noticing what shirt my workmate is wearing everyday?  Of course not.  Firstly, notice what you tend to do when something happens and then notice the results of what you do.  If what you do doesn’t help your relationship with your spouse then start noticing those that do.  If what you do doesn’t give you the hardworking, addiction-free child that you want, then start noticing those that do.  Notice what works and doesn’t work for you and your relationships.    

Then notice what goes on inside of you when these challenges come along.  Notice it just for what they are.  Then notice what your mind tells you they are.  Are there any judgments against those very feelings that make you and I, very human?  And notice also how long these feelings last.  Are they there permanently?  Or do they come and go as they please?       

Then notice what, in those moments, are most important to you.  Here is where maybe your list of becoming can come along handy.  Whatever our role in life is right now, we want to see ourselves becoming the best we can be in those roles.  You and I can be a spouse, partner, friend, sibling, parent, child, and so on.  In every situation that presents some kind of challenge to your emotional stability, go back to what you think will be representative of how you would have wanted to handle the situation.  Go back to noticing the probable consequences when you do what you do, then notice what it is that goes on inside your thoughts and feelings as you experience these challenges, and finally, notice what is important for you in the moment.  Then choose your best or better course of action from there.   

And why notice?  If you have gone through numerous self-help books or articles lately, I think that’s what the fuss about mindfulness is.  Yeah!  Simply put, mindfulness is really mostly about noticing!  So just start noticing more this new year.  And may I go just a step further.  Maybe that’s what you go to see a counselor for, to become more noticing or mindful.  Try and see for yourself and notice what wonders more noticing can do for you and the people you love.  Happy New Year everyone!

When is it time to end a relationship or set an ultimatum?

by Nathan Chua

One of the toughest decisions to make in a relationship is when you think enough is enough.  I have seen quite a few clients agonizing over what to do with their partners.  Is this issue enough of a reason to remove oneself from the situation?  Am I doing what I think will be best for us or my family by ending it?  Is it just me who is being impatient?

Before I go on though, there are situations where giving up on a relationship may be called for.  For one, if you end up in a violent relationship where your life is in danger or your kids’ safety both physically and emotionally are at stake, leaving might be your best option.  You might also be in a situation where there is repetitive cheating that is emotionally untenable and also endangers your physical well-being.  When I say physical well-being, I am referring to chances of you becoming infected by a sexually transmissible disease.  Perhaps there is substance abuse involved that makes it impossible to have a meaningful connection with your partner.  Ending a relationship may even be more tenable if your partner is unwilling to seek therapy for violent behavior, cheating, substance abuse or a mental health concern.   

Another caveat before you continue with this post or vlog, every couple is unique.  You may have a situation where you are torn between giving up on the relationship or making an ultimatum.  I recommend that you bring this concern to therapy.  Maybe you will see the best option for you with the help of someone who can see your situation from an objective standpoint.       

Nonetheless, this is about making a last stand in your relationship.  If you believe there is something about it that you want to see a change in, here are a few tips on how to determine if your situation is worthy of an ultimatum:*

  1. You are determined to stick by what you decide when the ultimatum is not met.  If you are not able to stick with your ultimatum, it will likely not be taken seriously by your partner.    
  2. This is about one issue alone.  It does not involve a number of steps or changes that have to happen over time.  If your complaint behind your ultimatum is the way he handles household chores, then this may not be a place to make an ultimatum.  This is because it involves a habit that will require time and patience to change.  These will need moment to moment awareness on the part of your partner.  Examples of one issue decisions may involve physical or verbal abuse of you or any member of your family, infidelity, or addictions that have gotten in the way of your relationship. 
  3. The change you are after involves a short time frame.  This is an elaboration of the previous point.  Anything that may require an indeterminate amount of time, is likely not a condition for an ultimatum.    
  4. The partner giving the ultimatum is not pressured to decide.  It is not a game for the person making the ultimatum.  It is rather a difficult and painful process to experience.  You are not playing a game of chicken with your partner.  This pains you to make.  It is not a way for you to gain leverage in your relationship.
  5. The ultimatum will ultimately be for the benefit of the partners involved as well as the people around them.  It can start off a change for the betterment of the relationship or for each of the couple.  Examples of these would be deciding on getting married or not, having kids, getting therapy to address some of the more pressing concerns that could be a reason for ending the relationship as enumerated earlier.

Remember for as long as you have not left the relationship, you are already making a decision to stay.  In the meantime, you are left to your own devices to live out those moments.  If there is one great advice I can give you as you contemplate on whether you should leave or make a final stand, it would have to come from Viktor Frankl who wrote:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Ask yourself, when you look back to these moments when you made a decision to set an ultimatum, would you know that you’ve done what is consistent with your deepest parts?  If your answer is a yes, then go for it.    

*Source: Reconcilable Differences by Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson